Negro Witticisms

Colleges.

2008-08-26T17:12:00.002-04:00

Now I make my living as a touring comedian. This means I've gone back to thinking about time in 3 sections: first semester, second semester, and summer. Get ready to feel old - college freshman this year were born in 1990. Yes! Weep! Weep I say!! You are old!!! Of course, feeling old is relative. I've personally become tired of 20somethings telling me they feel old. I hear this everyday. "I'm old," they'll say. "I feel old," I'll hear. "Man, I'm old." As you can tell, all very original statements. I see if differently.

In days of yore, the mid 20s WAS old. People didn't live that much longer than that. So that was middle aged in the middle ages. Sure, people married at 13 (mostly arranged) and had babies by 15, but you might not make it to 16, so you had to keep the line going! Now, however life expectancy is WAY up. And the mid 20s isn't halfway at all. So I choose the optimistic view...people feel older at a younger age thus feeling old for the majority of your life. You feel old, than you feel older, than you are decrepit, than everything thinks you shuold be dead, than they pull the plug. Well, you know what they say, all the world's a stage!

Colleges shows have gone two ways for me. Either they're great shows, or they're weird shows. The majority of students at my shows are freshman. Some sophomores come, a few juniors, rarely seniors. Thing is, most 18 year olds in this country haven't seen live anything. They might have seen a play. Most likely, they've been to a concert, but it was someone they know and love, not a strange band they know nothing about. So when I come to campus, its the first live comedy show they've seen (and if I play my cards right, the only one). They've seen comedy on TV, but never in front of their face which is very different. I can see you. I can hear you.

So the good shows happen because these kids are excited to see a show and happy to be there. That's interesting to me because there's a stigma about what it means to be a college comedian. "The audiences are so easy," some comedians will say. I think its because we're so used to performing for people who hate existence in dingy backroom or expensive comedy clubs. When we have an audience that's full of hope and potential, it throws us off.

Now I've never had a bad college show, only weird. Sometimes because of the fact that these kids haven't seen live comedy, they don't know how to be an audience. They might be used to laughing silently alone to a youtube clip. they might have strong preconceptions of what stand up is supposed to be thanks to youtube or TV. They just might know that you're SUPPOSED to respond with laughter. Of course, they might just not find me funny. That's another thing. The audience might have a scattered response. The ones not laughing always influence the ones laughing. People don't want to be the only one laughing so they opt out of responding at all. Or they might not care they're the only one laughing and everyone around them hates them. Or people leave and the audience becomes smaller and more self aware. Its a crap shoot, but them the breaks.

So far I've had good show at Hood College and App State. Doing a school OK and IL this week. I'm back a blogging. Someone read this.

GP Test...

2008-08-26T17:02:00.000-04:00

Pooooooooooop!
Yup still funny.
Look at all those "o's."

Ghost Driver

2007-08-01T18:29:00.000-04:00

Can you see what the name is?
Look closer.
A-M-A-D-O-U D-I-A-L-L-O

yup. that's right. my cab driver the other day was a ghost. I literally did a Laurel and Hardy double take when I saw his name. I was like "wait a minute, Didn't he get shot shot shot up?"

then for a split second i was like "whoa he survived that and is now a cab driver."

I was saddened about how that story must have moved along. Man gets racially profiled by police who thought he was up to no good because he just happened to be outside. He freaks out cuz he's like "why are they watching me?" They chase him down an alley way and when he takes out his wallet to maybe show them an ID or something, the adrenaline filled cops think its a gun and shoot him 50 times (the account in the book Blink is an interesting angle). Cut to 8 years later and the dude is a cab driver.

I texted a bunch of people. Reactions ranged from "Take a picture with him!" to "who?" I got online to find out. The man i was thinking of was, in fact, killed. Then i was disappointed with my faulty knowledge and even more disappointed with the people that said "who?" Guess that name is much more common than i thought.

Snarky about being snarky. Sarcastic about being sarcastic.

2007-07-17T11:54:00.000-04:00

Guys isn't it SO GREAT that we've become a culture that doesn't know how to not be sarcastic all the time? Isn't it SO GREAT that we choose to comment a little more than experience things? Cuz experiencing something means i have to like use all these senses i was given and that's just like so exhausting. i mean that why i listen to my iPod everywhere i go so i don't have to hear anything i don't like. that's why i wear my sunglass so i don't have to see anything i don't like. or at least it dulls it.

that's why i'm so happy there are so many dumb people to talk about all the time. that way i don't ever have to express a geniune emotion or original thought that I have. you can understand who I am by what i have to say about Angelina Jolie. She's hot. See? Now you know a lot about me. Maybe even too much. That's why i'm always gonna be awkward around you and like construct this persona that never let's you in. cuz i've been hurt in the past. never again.

jeez. saying how i really feel about something is just SO EXHAUSTING. thank god i can be ironic. and thank god i'll deliver it in the same monotone voice that i always communicate with. that way no one can ever say what they think i believe or don't believe. so i can never be pegged for this or that. totally. i can have an identityless identity. awesome.

i mean caring is so BLAH. see? that's all the description it deserves. hating everything makes the world so much easier to deal with. you're dumb. he's stupid. and its such a burden that i'm the only one who sees it. if anyone ever tries to talk to me about anything. i'll just say WHATEVER and leave. then i don't have to be responsible for anything. awesome.

Cujo Just Shat Himself

2007-07-13T18:01:00.000-04:00

I could take her.

start from empty

2007-07-13T00:23:00.000-04:00

I said to a friend today when i get writer's block or can't think of what to write about, i write about not being able to write. its always loosens something up. shakes some sort of idea out of my head while ruminating on the absence of ideas.

Sine i'm starting with nothing, it somehow allows me to just make statements. things i wish were true about me or the world around me. Let's explore this process.

I got nothing. Nothing. Nothing. A teacher once said to me "I think you're afraid to look inside because you're afraid nothing is there." Of course this statement exploded my 19 or 20 year old head. Now i think its the opposite. I'm afraid to open up cuz i know its so much in there.

It seems to be the situation in New York. It can be very hard to stay sane and balanced with the overwhelming energy of this city. There's a lot of tunnel vision going on around me. Especially when i feel like i'm trying to get people to care about coming to a live show. There's so much to do here that there's nothing to do here. People have to block out all the options. You have to have that tunnel. "No thanks...I Tivo'd Desperate Housewives." Its very hard to get people to do something outside their own routine. So the days become the same.

What i love about new york is that its a city fll of people that mostly feel lonely. The biggest city in the most powerful country in the world and not a lot of people know each other. I'm always amazed at mysel in that respect. I try to keep contact with friends. But i get stressed about spending my free time doing something that i usually decide to just sit and stare or sleep. I live in the same city, in some cases the same neighborhood as people i care about, and still it take me months to return phone calls. Pitiful.

Its one of the only citys where friendships start to become burdens. That attitude of "aw man I really need to call so and so but i'm afraid they'll be angry with me because of my lack of contact so i'll put it off until later." On and on until connection is lost.

SIDETRACKED
Just heard one of my favorite bands' music in a Reese's commercial.
Chromeo "Needy Girl"
Part of me feels like the song has been cheapened since its in a commercial. The other part is happy that they're getting some money so they can keep doing music and touring. I've been in commercials myself, who am I to judge?

So much

2007-07-05T18:04:00.000-04:00

has happened since i last posted.

break ups. iPhone. world gone to shit. oh wait, that was already happening.

I sit now in an apartment owned by Zanies Comedy Club in Chicago. A club i've never played in a city I've never been to.

I am EXCITED. and a little nervous. I've done an hour before plenty of times, but that was to college students. This'll be a mix of people. I've performed for a mix of people plenty of times. But not for an hour.

can you see what i'm doing? I'm looking for a reason to be nervous. i don't need it. i'll be fine.

so the iPhone. i saw two of them. one in a box belonging to Trevor Moore of the whitest kids. I made a big deal about it and made a show of disgust much to the dismay and delight of Timmy Williams (i wrote their names in cuz i KNOW they google themselves).

the iPhone is just another brick to help me build my conspiracy theories about Jobs. i don't know. Both times i held it i felt the urge to own it and to do damage to toddlers. if you want karate chop toddlers in the head, then yes, by all means, go get an iPhone.

with all the iProducts out of the market that people just "have to have" i'm waiting for that moment when Jobs pushes that button and everyone that owns one is held slave to Kajagoogoo on loop.

They shall build monuments to him.

They shall wake up one day in excruciating pain and look down to see themselves birth a giant metal spike covered in furr.

The rest? Well let's hope there is no more.

i can commit

2007-04-12T15:56:00.001-04:00

i can i can i can!!

so the Bay-Ron (that's me) has been on the road a lot the last few months. Going back and forth to NYC. this is the first FULL week I've had in the city in a few months. feels nice having some down time.

i'm doing a lot of research right now to write some new jokes. Does that makes sense? Any at all? I mean I'm a guy who refused to write research papers in high school. Refused! (hence my lack of knowing how to put ideas into words - even this parenthetical is flawed! i don't know where the punctuation goes!)

I failed an English class because the paper was a huge part of my semester grade. I didn't want to write it. I mean, come on, there were reruns of the Simpsons on! (ended a sentence with a prepostion) Now, when faced with making drunken people that don't really know how to deal with their own existence laugh, I'm like, "I best hits them books!" ...And by books I mean the internet.

--i watching a movie right now called Running Scared - here's the info from cable...
3 stars. '88. Two cool Chicago undercover officers try to put a drug lord permanently out of business. Starring Gregory Hines, Billy Crystal, Jimmy Smits, Steven Bauer, Darlanne Fluegel, Joe Pantoliano, Directed Peter Hyams-- Does it SOUND like there can ever be a better movie?

My relationship with stand up is tumultuous at best. Right now we're having some issues. I've been spending a lot of time with her lately, but that STILL doesn't seem like enough. I just want her to be good to me sometimes. I know she has been and will be, but right now it seems like she wants me dead.

Pilot Season

2007-03-01T21:53:00.000-05:00

Its pilot season people! I, Baron Vaughn, actor, have been going out for a lot of audition as of late. With that comes reading a lot of scripts. Since I've started to write more and more of my own stuff the structure and tricks of a script are more apparent to me then they've ever been. Especially if I keep seeing the same thing used in the same way.

Me:
in every sciprt EVER
there's someone that's a high powered something
whether its a man or woman and they're trying to be a good parent
and they ALWAYS promise their son/daughter
i'll MAKE it to your recital
kid goes "you sure mom/dad?"
yes, yes i am.
why do all these kids base so much of how they love their parent on coming to recitals? don't they watch movies in movies? it never works out.
you fucking can't play the violin

why is it important to you for rich dad to see you suck

Josh: hahaha

Me: i'd be like please DON'T come
i don't know how to tune this thing
go make money
and buy me something so i'll feel better about how much i suck

Josh: haha

Me: Ice cream and a car can take away the pain of playing the theme to Jurassic Park off key

A New Line I've Been Using

2007-02-13T18:53:00.000-05:00

I said it onstage for the first time the other night. Originally I thought it needed something else, but people get it. Well, at least the ones who are gonna get it get it. Everyone doesn't. But that's ok.

I know you all can tell by looking at me, I'm related to Thomas Jefferson.

Virginia

2007-02-13T01:51:00.000-05:00

So i'm doing this little tour with American Eagle right now in which I've gone to a few colleges. Tonight I was at James Madison University in Harrisonburg, VA. I heard there's a Purina factory near here and it usually smells like rotted chicken. It didn't tonight. That's a good sign. Driving thru the snow on the way to Kent State tomorrow. Blog? I'm back. I guess.

Christmas Eve Eve/ Someone to Watch

2006-12-24T13:58:00.000-05:00

I got a phone call about 11:30 on friday night.
"Baron?"
"Hey!"
"I'm in Vegas."

For those of you who do not know, Las Vegas is my hometown and I'm here for the holidays. I was chillin out maxin, relaxin all cool and all shooting some b-ball outside of the school when I got this call. A friend of mine, the lovely and talented Tracie Thoms was on her way back to Baltimore from LA with a connecting flight through Vegas. Her flight was 45 minutes late getting to Vegas thus she missed her connecting flight home. The next flight wasn't until 4:30 the next afternoon.

I stayed on the phone with Tracie while she narrated her journey on the shuttle from the airport to her "hotel." The Super 8 Motel. Now when you're in Vegas and you hear the word hotel, you might get a little excited. This was - how do you say - a kick to the balls. Yeah that seems to capture it. Needless to say, tracie was taken aback by how "real" everything was. Oh Indeed. That was the word she kept using "real."

She went into the casino next door to the Super 8, Ellis Island, which is a small place right behind the strip. Behind the Bally's And Caesar's Palace. Its a part of Vegas that lives in the shadows of what you see on TV and in the movies. For a reason. Tracie narrated her journey into Ellis Island continuously reiterating how "real" everything was. There were a lot of bikers in the bar singing karaoke. By the way, when I say bikers, the stereotypical image you had in your head? Worse than that. Tracie decided not to stay and sing her showstopping rendition of "Free Bird."

Tracie found something in her room that was very telling. They gave her a care package of pills that prevent hangovers called Chasers, eye drops to prevent red and skin conditioner. Not Soap. Skin Conditioner. Apparently it's a post shower cream to put on your skin. Yeah, it was confusing to me too. Its somewhere between soap and lotion. With those items the hotel is assuming a lot about why you're there.

"Hey come on in! So we got you some things for the reason you're probably here. That's right!! we got you Chasers to cure the hangover you'll get from your current drunken daze, drops for those weed soaked 4am eyes, and skin conditioner so your wife won't be able to detect the smell of that street skank whose bottom lip you're chewing on. Leave a tip!!"

Tracie is on the rise. She's a dynamic performer that you may have seen on TV in "Cold Case," and the hilarious but short lived "Wonderfalls." She's currently working on Quentin Tarantino's new movie, was in "The Devil Wears Prada," and played Joanne in the movie version of Rent. She's a focused individual on and off stage and can only be described as a force. I mean the woman went to Howard and Juilliard so she got the chops. Razor sharp.

So you 6 people that read this. Go and support Tracie.

Oh yeah...Check out this video. It's like a messed up Rat Pack. Its the brainchild of Trevor Moore from the Whitest Kids You Know.

Played by a Drumstick

2006-12-21T12:59:00.000-05:00

OK OK OK. This is my favorite new commercial. Really people, watch commercials. You will learn so much about where our interests as a culture lie. Or at least you'll see what the "big wigs" think we care about which most of the time become true since we were told they were. (end diatribe). In a KFC commercial, a black family (you know they just looove their chicken) passes around a bucket at a dinner table. The youngest son sitting there overshadowed by his older brothers and parents watches them take out pieces of chicken and says to himself, "Don't take the drumstick." He says it again hoping that someone, anyone will leave him that most coveted part of the foul. Of course, he sees someone take out the 2nd drumstick and deflates with defeat. The bucket gets to him moments later and his mother pulls out (wait for it) a DRUMSTICK! She places it on the boy's plate and he exclaims with happiness "Another drumstick?!" He. Is. Dumbfounded. His mother smiles as if to say I got your back and says, "Special Bucket." Something like that. OH FRABJOUS DAY! CALLOO CALLAY! He chortled in his joy.

HA! My first thought was don't eat that! That came from a MUTANT chicken with 3 legs!! You were right! There should have only been 2 drumsticks, but no, that bucket is special. Knowing the practices of KFC, I'd be relieved if it was a 3 legged chicken. That would be the least altered thing they have on their farm/factory/slaughterhouse/laboratory. Most likely the leg came from a genetically altered chicken that was nothing but legs. Just a meaty legged deformity with limbs coming out all sides making it look like a feathered tetrahedron. No head. No wings. Just legs. Eyes embedded in one of the legs and a slit that works as a mouth. It makes only one sound and its not a cluck by any means. Just a shrill high pitched shriek. A sound akin to a bomb dropping in a cartoon, or a imprisoned banshee locked in a withered castle 2 miles north of Glasgow, or a shitty car with a shitty engine driving down a ghetto street at 3am making everyone sit right up in their bed thinking their time has come. When the noise of the "chicken" hits the ears of any other being it makes them think "My God! Hell is on earth and I am burning!"

After a week of rolling from limb to limb questioning its own existense after having realized that it looks nothing like any thing else around (they're all aberrations - veritable snowflakes of malformation), it sees something its never seen before. A man. Towering over the mutant in red boots and a red apron. Both of which did not come in the color of red. Oh no, they turned that color in time due to his line of work. And what's that in his hand? Its oh so shiny...and thin. CHOP. Suddenly the prism of drumsticks line up. After the leg that functioned as the head is separated and fed to the 5 winged chicken breast sloth which sweats sugar, the other pieces are shipped away to be served to the complacent public.

Its just a wild guess, but when the word Special is uttered, make sure to get a very clear definition.

and i'm back!!!

2006-12-20T01:49:00.000-05:00

I'm at home in vegas right now for the holidays. Chillin out maxin relaxin all cool and all getting familiar with my new laptop that i'll never EVER lose. word

this is a section from a documntary a comedian i know named Steve Stover is making check it out

Well...

2006-12-14T14:50:00.000-05:00

My laptop was stolen recently. On the road to getting a new one. Stay tuned.

Moment of Clarity #35

2006-12-03T23:54:00.000-05:00

Its not that I like giving money to the homeless as much as it is that I like to see the guilt in the faces of the people that don't give.

Maybe...

2006-11-28T03:29:00.000-05:00

if i went to bed sometimes before 2 in the morning, I wouldn't find the Sun such a God forsaken intrusion on my slumber. "Damn Helios!!! Tyra and I were naked in a pool of jello together! Now I'll never know the 3rd act of my dream!"

What I'm Watching Right Now...

2006-11-22T16:41:00.000-05:00

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!!!!

Live Life like is was Life Like

2006-11-13T00:29:00.000-05:00

I saw an ad for the new Bose headphones on the subway today pictured to the left. These fit comfortably in your ear and have "life like sound." How appropriate. If I was walking through a crowded street, I could put on these headphones, turn my iPod to the track "Street Sounds" and have real "life like" sounds around me. So much more "life like" then the sounds that are like life. THANK GOD I've got an effective way to drown out everything around me and really plunge deeper into the self isolation that New York makes you crave with "life like" sound. Taking in the streets and people around me is just WAY TOO MUCH for me and my hearing. I've already mastered physically and emotionally avoiding any sort of situation. Now my dulling of my senses is almost complete. If only there were sunglasses that showed "life like" high definition digital pictures on them while I walked down the street, then I could take in almost nothing. I wouldn't have to see, hear, touch or feel anything around me. OH sounds like a dream come true. Hooray!! Yippee! Huzzah!

Now if there was only something I could do about smells.

Maine and back

2006-11-11T01:32:00.000-05:00

I'm in Maine. Maine. Orono, Maine.

Its nice up here. The air is clean. I live in New York so its very odd for me to be in a place where the air does not always smell faintly like pee or worse. Also it was interesting to see that from Portland up to here every public restroom is bigger and cleaner than any NYC apartment under $5000 a month. Back in New York on Sunday.

Come to this show on Tuesday if you dare...

"Shades of Black"
Tuesday Nov 14 @9:30pm
Mo Pitkins - 34 Ave A between 3rd/2nd St
Elon James White, Michelle Buteau, Larry Bailey and Baron Vaughn do long sets.
Word.

I Voted...

2006-11-08T02:04:00.000-05:00

I did my little part to loosen that diabolic stranglehold that conservatives so obviously have over New York. Now I wait and watch and the Senate results come in.

Moment of Clarity #34

2006-11-04T03:12:00.000-05:00

Movies like the Ring and the Grudge have made me racist. I am now specifically afraid of small Japanese children.

a scene based on a sentence i overheard

2006-11-02T17:36:00.000-05:00

WOMAN
you have my phone?

MAN
yeah. here.

WOMAN
why do you have my phone?

MAN
you gave it to me.

WOMAN
no i know i did. i was asking myself. can't remember why i gave it to you.

MAN
oh ok. you didn't tell me.

WOMAN
no i know. i said i was asking myself.

MAN
ok. so that was embarassing.

WOMAN
it was?

MAN
uh yes, kate. I proposed to you and you got up a walked out to have a cigarette. that's embarrasing. i'm embarassed.

WOMAN
sorry.

MAN
so i guess i jumped the gun or something, right?

WOMAN
no no no. i just...i don't know, i'm feeling a lot of pressure. everyone i know is getting married and my mom was asking me about you in that way last night.

MAN
in "that way"? what? you can't even say it?

WOMAN
yeah you know what i mean

MAN
i know i love you. haha. yes that came out in a cilche' moment, but fuck. i'm sure everyone is in there wondering what the hell is going on. we're out here on the street. its 3 am and i'm now uncertain on the future of this relationship.

WOMAN
look. i just need to think ok.

MAN
no i don't think you do. you're going to overthink it until you have no more feelings for me. just...whatever. i'm going back inside. you coming?

WOMAN
no.

MAN.
huh. great. goodnight then.

WOMAN
hey...

MAN
no i don't want to hear it. goodnight.

This post was written at 3am

2006-10-31T03:06:00.000-05:00

What a long winding journey i had to get home last night. After doing "Crash Test" I was suppoed to hang out at a bar with A. Ansari, N. Kroll, J. Mulaney, C. Peretti and J. Carlos. It was like one of my dreams when I was in 3rd grade: I turned around and everyone was gone. I had no clue where they went. I just knew the name of the bar: "Half King." My phone was dead, so I couldn't call anyone or receive info that was being transmitted to me. So I walked around just looking for the place before remembering a bar at which people from the UCB hang out. I thought "that must be the place" and headed over there to find out it was not the right place. It had a different name. I went in and asked for the phonebook. I found the address for "The Half King" and made my way over there. By the time I got there everyone was gone. Of course they're gone, I was 30 min late.

I walked down 23rd St. from 10th Ave to Broadway. Something is wrong with the train there so I walked down to Union Square and waited waited waited. I finally got on the train and for some reason the air conditioner was blasting cold air. Ridiculous. Its cold fall outside, but it was winter in that car. Eventually we slowly made our way through the system. A homeless man complete with a cart full of bags and a hunchback mades his way onto the car. Somehow I ended up being the person closest to him. This next sentence is not an exaggeration. He smelled so bad my balls began to hurt. That doesn't even make sense. I got a whiff of his odor and my balls began to ache. A pulsing ache that i'd never experienced. I wasn't sitting strangely nor did I have a pencil mistakenly jabbing into my scrotum. Just the odor of pee and failed aspirations. Maybe the smell was so bad that my sperm were trying to retreat from it. It was the sperm version of Chernobyl or Pompeii and they were all trying to escape, but, of course, there is no escaping my testes.

I think I might have a serious sleeping problem.

Randomness

2006-10-24T16:30:00.000-04:00

There's something about seeing someone that's very "alternative" doing something normal. Its just such a blunt object taken to my sense of reality. It doesn't add up in the equation of my implicit association with them. Sure you've got red leather pants, a original Rush World Tour T-shirt, and a Mohawk, but you're on crutches. Sure you've got a eagle tattoo with the face of Lincoln across your chest, but you're taking out the trash. Sure you've got a tattoo of every Pink Floyd album cover all the way around your neck and a nose ring that has a chain attached to your nipples, but you're pushing a baby carriage. And your wife looks like a manager at an Arts and Crafts store in Duluth. Its just disorienting.

What was it like to dream before TV and Movies? The perspective of those mediums have become so ingrained in our heads people dream and imagine thing as if they were a movie. But before those mediums people had only first person perspective. Maybe also the occasional look in a mirror. The average dream now consists of a dozens images and ways of experiencing those images that you'd find in any movie. Its very common to dream that you're not inside your own body. And their are shots that are framed like movie scenes (at least in my dreams). I assume when there was less distraction, the average dream was "My my my I was standing on a hill looking into a river. It was the Most Chilling and Introspective dream I've ever had." Is there anyone out there that just dream simple things? I've been having a lot of dreams that are only about things that are happening. Dreaming about sleeping. Ugh. I must be very disturbed.

The Greatest Sales Pitch Ever

2006-10-16T11:53:00.000-04:00

I'm tired of being nice to people. I want to start being a dick. Cuz then when people are shitty back to me they have a reason. Also there's too much responsibility in being nice. Once you've been nice to people they expect you to do shit. Like say hello, or come to their birthday parties, or buy them a meal when they're broke cuz you "don't want to see them starve." When you're an asshole and you don't go to someone's birthday party, no prob, you're just being consistent.

On my way to my show which used to be in the East Village, I witnessed the best sales pitch ever. I was being pitched. I was walking down East 13th St. while little kids played in the street with some sort of inflatable ball. I was texting or looking at the time or just not paying attention to my path. A kid yelled in the street so I turned to see the commotion. I realized again that there's no difference in the scream of "I'm having a great time" and "I've just had my leg run over and broken by a Dodge Ram" to a child. When I turned back around I was in front of a woman sitting at a table with a stern face. I looked to the side and the sign said Psychic. She pointed at me and with an intense calm said the words "You." That's it. "You." The first thought I had was "Oh man. She's know some shit!" I almost talked to her but thought better of it and walked away.

There's always a fear for me in going to psychics. I'm afraid the first thing they'll say is "you masturbate a lot."

And even if they don't think that first, the whole time I'll be trying to not think about them telling me I masturbate which of course will make me think about it harder until the word "Masturbate" is just repeating loudly in my head. The psychic will sense the word and say "Masturbate?" I will then throw over the table and scream "How dare you, sir?! HOW DARE YOU?" Which is weird because it'll be a woman. She'll say "Sir? I am no man! Ah! You've ruined my vase!" But of course she'll have said it "vahz." I'll be like "vahz? vahz? It's fucking vayss you ass!" She'll say "No one insults Madame Beniot!" Suddenly I'll be cursed by the shemale psychic and all because I succumbed to the greatest sales pitch I've ever known.

Moments of Clarity #32 and #33

2006-10-15T16:58:00.000-04:00

The problem with movies about Martial Arts and Breakdancing is I walk out of them thinking I can do both.

My least favorite response from a girl to the question "Why do you find him sexy?" is "He reminds me of my dad."

Funky Cold Medina

2006-10-11T16:07:00.000-04:00

I've had a chessburger for breakfast/lunch for the past few days. Perhaps I should start a countdown to my death now. When I say, I need to eat better I mean in it the way smokers say "I need to quit."

I was in a cab the other day and the cab driver was quite stereotypical. The first thing he said to me was "the jews are ruining everything, my firend!" He was talking specifically about his business that day. It was a high holy day and according to him, "they expect the whole city to shut down." I could tell his anger was at something bigger and maybe something a bit more life consuming. I wouldn't doubt if he's the kind of person that wakes up, stubs his toe and yells "JEWS!" I wouldn't doubt that the moment he laid eyes on his deformed whale baby he exclaimed to the heavens, "JEWS!"

He was in a good mood though and kept narrating how he felt about the traffic with pepperings of the familial "my friend." There was a point where I suddenly found that phrase amazingly unoriginal. Really? My friend? That again? Come on man, every cab driver says that! Watch a movie! Use someting from that. I would prefer that movie be from the 80s. So then cabbies would say stuff like, "Where are you going, home skillet?"
"That'll be $11, brotherman."
"No Brooklyn, sexual chocolate soul brother!"

At least I can feel like I have some style. Once you get called that you feel like that. I'll get out walking and talking like a graphic from a Parliament Funkadelic Album cover. I'll be like,
"Yeah, I dig!
Let me put my sunglasses on.
That's the law around here, you got to wear your sunglasses.
So you can feel cool.
Gangster lean.
Y'all should dig my sun-rooftop.
Well, allright. Hey I was diggin' on y'alls funk for awhile.
Sounds like it got a three on it though, to me.
Then I was down south and I heard some funk with some main ingredients
Like Doobie Brothers, Blue Magic, David Bowie.
It was cool,
But can you imagine Doobiein' your funk? Ho!
WEFUNK, we funk."

Someone to Watch

2006-10-08T00:01:00.000-04:00

It's time for another edition of Someone to Watch!! This episode features Todd Louiso. This guy is just hilarious and has an ability to do great things with small roles. He puts a lot of nuance into the various roles he's done that makes you remember him as "oh that guy is in this? I love that guy!"

I just recently saw him in "School for Scoundrels" which is Todd Phillips' (Old School, Starsky & Hutch) new film. You may also remember him as Dr Steven Price, the snake expert, in Snakes on a Plane. As well as the weird nanny in Jerry Maguire, and, of course, as Dick, the clerk in the music store with Cusack and Black in High Fidelity. If you're a fan of indies, especially ones with Philip Seymour Hoffman, you may also recognize him as the director of the very depressing Love Liza.

Todd attended the School for the Creative and Performing Arts in Cincinnati, Ohio from 4th grade all the way to 12th. He ended up going to film school at NYU afterwards and graduated in 92 and landed in a rold in Scent of a Woman. Ever since then he's been jumping around from part to part on TV and movies and had rightfully earned his status as "oh that guy!"

One of my favorite things about Todd is that he's full of surprises. I'm always taken aback that this little seemingly plain bald man has a comedic fearlessness that lends such color to his characters. He's also someone that understands tone. He never seems out of place. He never goes over the top; instead he brings very subtle chocies to round out a character in a believable way but pushes it to the absurd just enough that you laugh loudly. Mr Louiso, I salute you.

How Am I Not Home?

2006-10-05T00:25:00.000-04:00

OK. I'll come right out and admit it. I don't have a day job. Haven't had one for about a year and a half. A luckily I've done enough paying acting/stand up gigs that I make ends meet. Although there are the times where I literally just run out of money. Commercials do pay a lot, but not as much as most people think. Also, it runs out quick when you don't have a stuy income. I have a check right now that i haven't cashed. I don't know if or when the next one is coming. Once I cash it I have no more income.

Of course, it frees me up to go to auditions to create other opportunities for income. True indeed. But here's the thing about auditions: they're auditions. I might not get it. Statistically there's little chance of it. But while I'm running from audition to audition it leaves me little time to try to write and create stuff for myself. Like writing on this blog. Or writing a movie, TV show, stand up jokes.

I haven't watched TV in a long while. That's just because I'm out all day and when I get home (on average somewhere between 1-3am) I usually have to get to sleep depending if I have an early audition. I wake up and hour and a half early. Hour to get ready. 30 mins travel time. And I'm usually still late. I LOVE TV! Fuck you and whatever you think about that. But I haven't had time to watch it and that sucks. I'm paying for cable I should be able to put a few hours aside to watch it otherwise I'm paying for nothing! I want to watch Weeds dammit! Is that to much to ask?

HeHe HoHo

2006-09-29T13:27:00.000-04:00

If I were in my 20s in the early 80s people would say my name when they talk about their hip hop influences. I would be an originator. Most of what you had to do in the 80s was rap about what you saw and then have a really cool rhythmic laugh.

"We're in a room. A big ass room
Sometime it'll get dirty and we'll neep a broom
We'll be scrubbing and cleaning and just won't stop
Then some crazy dude will produce a mop
There's a guy in the front row lives in the ghetto
Owes me 20 dollars so to him I say no no
I seriously need it cuz i want to see a movie
Hey! He placed it in my hand, that's really really groovy
HAha Ha ha!"

In 1984 that would be considered genius. I was just re watching a classis film called "Beat Street" which is the bomb diggity. Just a classic and one of the first movies to show what the "youth" were doing in NYC at that time. At the end of the movie there's a celebration that future Grandmaster Flash and the Furious Five. Grandmaster Flash unleases a furious flow that I think still holds true today. Here's a portion of the lyrics...

"Christians killed Muslims, and Germans killed Jews
And everybody's bodies are used and abused, Huh!
Minds are poisoned and souls are polluted
Superiority complex is deep rooted
Leeches and lices, and people got prices
Egomaniacs control the self-righteous
Nothing is sacred and nothing is pure
So the revelation of death is our cure
Dachau, Auschwitz, Hiroshima
Vietnam, Leningrad, Iwo Jima
Okinawa, Korea, The Philippines
Devastation, death, catch the killing machine man
The peoples in terror, the leaders made the error
And now they can't even look in the mirror
Cause we gotta suffer while things get rougher
And that's the reason why we got to get tougher
To learn from the past and work for the future
And don't be a slave to no computer
Cause the Children of Man inherits the land
And the future of the world is in your hands"

Yeah...

2006-09-27T23:58:00.000-04:00

...its been a while. I've been running around a lot lately. When i'm not at home i'm not around my computer and don't have the opportunity to write. Sadness indeed. I will update soon. SOON I TELL YOU! For now, however, I'm gonna play with my new digital camera. HELL YEAH!!! More stand up to be taped!!

Bush LOVED The Rock.

2006-09-18T18:09:00.000-04:00

Jivemn2 : Mnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn, hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.

Attndnt : Can I get you something?

Jivemn2 : S'mo fo butter layin' to the bone. Jackin' me up.
Tightly.

Attndnt : I'm sorry I don't understand.

Jivemn1 : Cutty say he cant hang.

Woman4 : Oh stewardess, I speak jive.

Attndnt : Ohhhh, good.

Woman4 : He said that he's in great pain and he wants to know
if you can help him.

Attndnt : Would you tell him to just relax and I'll be back as
soon as I can with some medicine.

Woman : Jus' hang loose blooood. She goonna catch up on the`
rebound a de medcide.

Jivemn2 : What it is big mamma, my mamma didn't raise no dummy, I
dug her rap.

Woman4 : Cut me som' slac' jak! Chump don wan no help, chump
don git no help. Jive ass dude don got no brains
anyhow.

There's a scene in the movie "The Rock" where theere is a mutiny. Ed Harris' character shows that he doesn't want to kill innocent people so he's relieved of his command. 3 soldiers have guns pointed at him and one doesn't. He's then told -

"Major Baxter, you're either
with us or against us."

Hmm, I wonder where else I've heard that.

And God said "Let there be Black People..."

2006-09-16T02:02:00.000-04:00

This is what happens when Joe Mande is bored at work.

Play this and stare.
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Stop it, Baron

2006-09-14T01:20:00.000-04:00

I dedicate this to the people in Queens. A gentleman I know by the name of Dave Hill made this and the first time I saw it I laughed heartily. You'll only get this if you live in NYC and have seen this local commercial.

I can't buy anymore books. That's what happens when I start getting money. I'll wander into a bookstore and just pick up the first 5 things that my eye catches. What can I say? I like knowledge. Eh, ladies? Knowledge.

These are the last few things I picked up.
Misquoting Jesus by Bart D. Ehrman - heard about this in TIME in a little snippet from Craig as in THE Craig from Craigslist.

Microthrills by Wendy Spero - had met Wendy before but was reintroduced to her at a few NYC comedy shows. She's very funny and might be the single most adorable person I've ever met.

The Paradox of Choice by Barry Schwartz - saw this a long time ago when I purchased "Mediated" which is one of my new favorite books.

Soul on Ice by Eldridge Cleaver - a classic book of essays written during the 60s by a disenfranchised angry black man. My cup of tea.

Lew Hunter's Screenwriting 434 - a friend suggested I get this if I want to write movies. It helped him a great deal.

Death etc. by Harold Pinter - a small collection of short plays, poems and speeches by my favorite playwright and Nobel Prize winning author.

I still have many books I haven't read. I need to just read EVERYTHING on my bookshelf. I don't know what it is about having a bunch of books on it that makes me feel like I have an identity. I've read maybe 75% of what I have.

Git ta readin!

For some reason...

2006-09-12T23:54:00.000-04:00

...New York City has decided to pull in a whole fleet of brand new to newish taxicabs. Of course, my predictable joke is "finally new fresh smelling cabs with leather interiors that still won't pick me up." OH!

Of course we're all accustomed to the Ford Crown Victoria pictured to the right (this is a 2006 model, I'm sure the cars they have range from 98-02). I like to call them the FC Vic's. Most people don't know what the hell I'm talking about. I'll say "Hey let's go get in an FC Vic" and I'll usually say it after someone asks me the time or my middle name. No one knows what I mean. Also, they are hard to recognize when they're not painted yellow or without the word "Police" written on the side with sirens on top. Isn't it hilarious that cabs and cop cars are the same model? One will be damned before they pick me up, the other CAN'T WAIT to get me in the back seat. OH!

The other day I was walking down the street with friends in the East Village area and there were a few of us. We were going to a party I think. A birthday party. And it was far enough that it would take a while to walk, but close enough that a cab would be inexpensive. At that moment, a van cab passed by which is of course the Toyota Sienna. he refused to take us. Refused. One friend of course was angry about it. As he is right to be. There is a law. A what? A law. Well what's a law? Glad you asked. WOW! Dictionary.com has 22 definitions as a noun. Must be an interesting concept. Here's the first 4.

1. the principles and regulations established in a community by some authority and applicable to its people, whether in the form of legislation or of custom and policies recognized and enforced by judicial decision.
2. any written or positive rule or collection of rules prescribed under the authority of the state or nation, as by the people in its constitution. Compare bylaw, statute law.
3. the controlling influence of such rules; the condition of society brought about by their observance: maintaining law and order.
4. a system or collection of such rules.

Hmm, so apparently there is a law that New York City cab drivers CAN NOT refuse a fare. But they do do do. Not all. I'm not gonna lump them together, but as a lot of people in this city know from personal experience that certain drivers will not take certain people to certain areas. This particular driver didn't want to take we 5 people to our destination. "Not even a few blocks." That is a quote.

The other day I had a cab driver (driving the new Ford Escape - escape from Manhattan) who actually said to me "I was looking for someone to go to Queens." WHAT? Wow. Sometimes there are the people are are refreshing. Maybe even personable. Sometimes they are funny. Smart. But still whenever I get into a cab with no problems, its so confusing I don't know what day it is. I think to myself "Is it February? Hooray, 28 days I can catch a cab." (That's a black history month joke for those who don't know.)

I am the Snake on this Train

2006-09-05T11:58:00.000-04:00

I’m on a Train to Boston. Yes, train.

I decided to splurge because I wanted to be comfortable and on time, but of course it worked out that the train was 40 minutes late and I’m going be in Boston 15 minutes before the first show I’m supposed to do starts. Indeed I shall rush over to the Studio.

On this train I’m listening to music and what I’m into right now is something I’m gona call Brit Hop. British Hip Hop. Its getting bigger and bigger. Actually I don’t know if that’s true at all. It is to me. I feel like a lot of people have heard of Dizzee Rascal, The Streets and MIA, but I’m listening to some people that haven’t quite caught on in America. First off there’s JME.

I’m digging JME. Someone friended me on the Myspace and had his music on their page. I went to his page and I was like “whadda hell?” He’s got some nice syncopated beats and a flow that reminds me on a conversational Busta Rhymes. Some of his lines are so simple that they’re absurdly hilarious like the beginning of his song “Awoh”

Boy you better know
CEO
Boy you better know
CEO
That’s me
JME
So Shh Hut Yuh Muh
You need to tighten up your CV (British for resume)
Microsoft Word
That’s you
You’re a nerd
Stop MCing go to the shops
Have a drink

At first, I didn’t know if he knew he stuff was funny. When I heard what I believe was his hit “Serious” (at least for the fact that he references it in most of his other songs), I saw that he knew. The first lines go

Everybody thinks to MC tough
Your lyrics must be about nega’ive stuff.
Go ravin, no one skankin,
Turn round, I bet you someon’s shankin’
Just cuz we come from the guttah
And we know about scrapin the bott’m of da buttah
Don’t mean we have to be sinners
Major labels don’t want killers
Think
Who’s gonna sign a guy with a shank
Or a guy wif a 9mil
All you’re gonna get is a free freak-a-dil
You MC a rave and get a bill
But that bill ain’t gon last
It will go fast
And it might be the last chips for a while
So you won’t have no dough for a while

To the beat
Just bob your head to the beat
If you don’t wanna dance to the beat
Just bob your head to the beat
If you don’t wanna dance or lean back
Then bob your head to the beat
If you don’t wanna dance to the beat
Just bob your head to the beat

And you will bob your head.

Also, there’s Lady Sovereign (she’s in JME’s top friends and he’s in hers). She calls herself the biggest midget in the game. Already funny. She’s got a really interesting voice and style with songs like “Shh!” and “Adidas Hoodie.” And ya gotsta to remember in England they pronounce it AH-dee-das unlike here where we pronounce it ah-DEE-das.

Here’s the “Adidas Hoodie Remix” and its Mizz Beats Ft Lady Sovereign, Skepta, JME, Ears, Jammer & Baby Blue. Enjoy.

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I didn't even have to use my AK...you could say it was a good day.

2006-09-02T00:40:00.000-04:00

Yeah yeah yeah, mofo!

So today marked a historical event for me. And by "me" I mean "my mom." I filmed Law and Order: Criminal Intent today. This fulfills one of my mothers greatest dreams for me which was to be on her favortie show on TV. And by "favorite" I mean "we watched a Law and Order: Criminal Intent marathon on New Years Eve as a means of counting down." When I told that to Vincent D'Onofrio and Kathryn Erbe, they looked at me much like the photo to the left. They were confused and maybe a little afraid. I guess its the equivalent of someone saying to me "Hey I watched a video or your stand up and stared at a picture of you for 4 hours until it was midnight and then I celebarted by making noise and setting off miniature explosives! YAY!"

I kept thinking to myself the whole time I was was there that it would be HILARIOUS if there was a real murder on the set of Law and Order. Why would that be funny you ask? I'm tell you. Cuz no one would be able to tell who the real cops are and aren't. The costumes are very authentic. Its disorienting. It'd be a jumble of actors and real cops and what a Mad Cap Romp 'twould be! I don't want anyone to die, but if it resulted in tale of mistaken identity to rvial that of the Bard's Twelfth Night, PLAY ON!

The highlight of the night though was standing on a pier of Long Island City made to look like an outdoor bar/party in the rain. Outdoors. In the drizzle and wind that got worse as the night went on. And we had to look like we were having fun and not wet and cold. Very nice indeed.

BUT EVEN TO OUTDO THAT, was the wonderful experience of waiting in the rain after I'd been wrapped. I stood with a broken umbrella while 3 cabs looked right at me and passed me by refusing to take me somewhere that is only 10 minute drive away (i had no clue how to get back). I stood and walked around for 45 minutes until a clueless driver picked me up. I mean was what I thinking? Why would I expect them to pick me up? Its not February!

All in all it was a fun experience and I met some good people. I was angry I had to cancel 3 spots tonight including the premiere of my own show, but Law and Order happens. I'm wet. I'm cold. I'm tired. I just spilled water in my own bed. Great.

A terrible mistake has been made

2006-08-29T14:38:00.000-04:00

If you happened to happen upon the NY Post on sunday you might have seen some shocking, disturbing, shockingly disturbing, and disturbingly shocking.

If you picked up the post and saw the cover you would have learned a lot about the world and New York in particular but then you would have seen something that said "New York's Sexiest" and you would have turned to page 37 to see this title to the right.

Looks ok. "Everything here is on order," you say to yourself.
"I guess you could say he's sexy. Ooh, she's definitely sexy. And her and her."

Then you'd look at the second page. The next batch of "sexy."

Even though there's something in the back of your mind irking you about this page you continue on. "That looks in order and she's very super sexy and...wait a minute. What the hell is this?" You look a little closer.

A terrible mistake has been made. I got calls, texts, emails from my very confused friends and such. All asking, "How did that happen?" They are confused. They know me. They know the truth.

Now for jokes...

See, I thought they said "Messiest New Yorkers." I thought well my life is in shambles. Why not?

The Post tends to have a conservative slant. So if you can believe what they say about Iraq, you can believe what they say about Sexy.

HEY HO!

But to Sara Stewart (and Mandy, of course) I say thanks.

Incredible

2006-08-28T13:47:00.000-04:00

I'm turning into an 8 year old girl.

I woke up the other day and opened my bedroom door to the living room to find a small kitten waiting to get into my room. Suddenly it flashed to me that my roommate had asked me a few weeks ago if I would mind getting a cat and suddenly there it was. Its fucking adorable.

I'm turning into an 8 year old girl. I keep playing with it. Taking pics and vids on my phone with the intention of showing them to friends and saying "Look at my cat! Isn't is cute!"

I don't even know its name. I just call it Cutey Cute Cute McCuterson. I'm a black man that has had a gun in my face and I'm using the word "cute" repeatedly.

Someone to Watch

2006-08-26T18:59:00.000-04:00

I'm gonna start doing a new regular feature on this blog that features an actor (gender neutral term) that is making a career for themselves. These are people that you may have heard of or seen but you don't really know their names or where they came from. The first person I want to mention is Missi Pyle.

Missi graduated from North Carolina School for the Arts with a BFA in Acting in 1995 and since then you've seen her doing her thang in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory (Tim Burton - Violet's Mom), Bringing Down the House (great fight scene with Queen Latifah - the best part of the movie to me), Galaxy Quest (the aliens that falls for Tony Shaloub's character), and Dodgeball (the scary unibrowed woman on Ben Stiller's Dream Team).

I don't remember who it was I was speaking with about her the other day, but we talked about how she's one of those actor's that just adds a special something to every movie she's been in. Doesn't really matter how random the movie or the role, she's fun to watch. She's having fun and that translates across the screen. She doesn't have that thing of taking herself too seriously. That doesn't mean she's not believable. She's definitely believeable. But her sense of fun allows her to lend personality to things that aren't that steeped in reality. Look at her list of roles again. It makes me very interested to see what she'd be like in a "serious" role. I'd love to see her in a play. I'm sure she'd have a confidence and presence that allows her to lend some subtlety to each moment. Either that or I have a weird crush on her.

If you like Martial Arts movies, read on...

2006-08-22T12:41:00.000-04:00

So a few posts ago I wrote about Mr Bruce Lee. He's still bad ass, but get ready for the next generation.

So Jackie Chan is getting old and has broken every bone in his body multiple times. Jet Li is about to stop doing martial arts films. Reportedly, "Fearless" is his last movie of that genre.

The other night I watched a movie I'd been wanting to for a while, "Ong Bak: Thai Warrior." This movie had a gentlemen in it who is the future of Martial Arts Films: Tony Jaa.

This dude is amazing. He has a good onscreen intensity and some hardcore moves. Hardcore I say! "Thai Warrior" has some footwork in it this is just astounding. It's the kind of foot work that would make Capoeira fanatics drop their jaws. Here's the kicker. No wires. This movie is very bare bones grass roots Martial Arts. Its not the elegant ballet that a Yuen Wo Ping would create made famous by the Matrix, Kill Bill and Crouching Tiger. Its more like a club with some real Poppers and Lockers on the floor. Its still beautiful and takes skill, but its more immediate and on the same level with every one.

So Tony was the stunt double in the Mortal Kombat movie for Robin Shou (Liu Kang). I saw a piece of a documentary the other day that Shou directed. I need to see again. Its about a school in China that you enter when you're 14/15/16 to become the elitist stunt martial artists in the world: The Red Tousers.

Again, no wires. Check out this clip. The man is simply jumping. This is all his own athleticism. I really got to get in shape. Any shape. I don't even have a shape. I'm just a skinny amoeba. I don't even know how I'm typing.

Pussy Control!

2006-08-17T12:01:00.000-04:00

This is a rap I wrote as commissioned by Sara Schaefer for her show Video Gaga. I don't know if we're gonna have the time to do it by monday, but I wanted to share cuz I'm pretty proud of this.

These are 3 gangsta cats that call themselves "Pussy Bandits." DJ Tabby Tab, Kal E Koe, and Scat Kat 2.0. So enjoy their number 1 hit "Motherf&#%er, I'm a CAT!"

DJ TABBY TAB:
I’m a cat motherfucker
You a dog my bitch
I gotta itch you better scratch
‘fo I put you in a ditch
cuz I’m a mean mother fucker
I’m a bad ass Tabby
I shot Rin Tin Tin
And impregnated Lassie
Better get checked for rabies and scabies
Its ok, the dirty ho will have cat-dog babies
Fuck her I don’t want nutin to do wit’em
She bring ‘em to me, I’m a spit and hit ‘em
I’ll split and quit’em. I’ll shit and forget ‘em
And I'll Find a cardboard where I can fit ‘em
Then I mail to China cuz that’s what I do
I’m a Gangsta C-A-T so fuck you!
They’ll be Siamese if they please, what what?
You want to get me fixed? Well you can suck dese nuts!
You best step the fuck back
Cuz I be callin the shots
I’m a kitty cat and you’re not!

(chorus)
Mother Fucker I’m a CAT!
Here kitty kitty kitty,
Here kitty kitty kitty
Mother Fucker I’m a CAT!
Here kitty kitty kitty
Motherfucker this is where its at!
Motherfucker I’m a CAT
Here kitty kitty kitty,
Here kitty kitty kitty
Mother Fucker I’m a CAT!
Here kitty kitty kitty
Mother fucker this is where its at!

KAL E KOE:
I’m “Tyrannus” and you’re “Sic Semper”
I’m gonna give you some distemper
Gonna pop your bubble like the Hindenburg blimp
You’ll be walking like Rick Moranis with a limp
“Meow” That’s what I say to get the pussy
I’m hypnotic melodic like I’m Claude DeBussy
Got a line of fine feline all down the street
Cuz I got the ice to handle girls in heat
And they purr so sweet
Cuz I’m so complete
I rub they feet, I’m so discreet
I’m treat those women like the Mix that I love to eat
Fuck a litter box, I’ll shit and piss where I likey
In you silk dress socks and your Air Jordan Nikes
If you annoy me, boy, I’ll fuckin piss on your bed
You can’t destroy me, I’ll even shit on your head.

(coughs up a hair ball for a bit. The music stop until it comes out. Goes straight into…)

SCAT KAT 2.0:
I’ll kill your schemes
I’ll stab your dreams
I’ll eat your spleen
I’m a freaky fiend
I’m picking up steam
I’m not what I seem
You tryin to ride my stream
But its too extreme
I gleam and I team with the mean fucking teens
To redeem the regime of the streets and the scenes
So unclean, makes you scream what you see
When the beams shine your sheen
You will flee climb a tree need codeine
Set the scene, and esteem what I be
You can’t escape me
Or fucking mind rape me
Cuz I move and I shake, see?
Fuck you old lady!
Mufasa and Simba got nothing or me
Cuz I’m motherfuckin C-A-T!

Mother Fucker I’m a CAT!
Here kitty kitty kitty,
Here kitty kitty kitty
Mother Fucker I’m a CAT!
Here kitty kitty kitty
Motherfucker this is where its at!
Motherfucker I’m a CAT
Here kitty kitty kitty,
Here kitty kitty kitty
Mother Fucker I’m a CAT!
Here kitty kitty kitty
Mother fucker this is where its at!

(Chorus repeats and then it cuts to the “Meow Meow” Meow Mix song)

Pissed Off (in more ways than one)

2006-08-14T12:02:00.000-04:00

You have to imagine me saying "in more ways than one" in a funny high pitched voiced with a South American accent.

So one of my best friends, Chanelle (she loves it when I put "best friend" and her name in the same sentence), is doing a play outdoors in a park right now. Its the Classic Greek "The Bacchae." They had a cancellation. They had to cancel their show which is outside. They had to cancel their show is which they role around on the ground. Did I mention it was outside?

Here's an email I got from Chanelle about why they had to cancel...

"So i went to my call last night and was getting into costume, i thought it was unusually quiet and had that weird feeling that somehow the show was not going to happen, but as i was applying the clay i figured, ah, guess it is...

there's this homeless guy who it seems is very upset that we are in his space, and has had some confrontations with the directors, he kind of looks like he thinks he's a figure in one of the bars in star wars, he has a palm pilot and a strange monocle, and wears this cloak. so anyway, one of the tech guys caught him dousing the entire stage and seating area in bottles of his urine, so by the time we arrived the stage and benches were wet with a mixture of urine and lemon cleaning fluid. so we had to cancel the show because we couldn't run or roll around as we needed to...cancellation due to pee."

I argue that a play would be more interesting if you knew you might be sitting in pee.

Euripides' The Bacchae
Fri-Sun, 8:30pm
Aug 4th - Aug 27th
Riverside Park
89th & Riverside Dr
FREE!

Where you from?

2006-08-09T13:49:00.000-04:00

Can I get a what what in my comments? Who the hell is actually reading this thing? If you've come here more than once, please leave a comment. I'll actually write more if i know people are expecting me to whip out the goods. I will bring the proverbial "it."

So...I'm struggling for a topic...uh...Oh...no, that's...uh...yeah I uh...fuck.

I know! I'll post an idea I had for a joke that might make a better blog entry.

I'm from a little known town called Las Vegas, NV. I recently discovered that telling people I'm from Vegas is code for "Say something stupid to me." The top 3 most common idiotic comments are as follows...

3. Did you live in a casino?
2. Did you get paid in poker chips?
1. Is your mother a hooker?

Thanks. That's the perfect thing to say to someone you just met. I'm gonna start doing that to people. I'm gonna make assumptions about you based on limited stereotypical knowledge of your home.

Oh you're from New York?
Did you live in the bourbon soaked rotted stomach of an unconcious homeless man passed out on a park bench?
Did you get paid in the binge drinking induced vomit of 20something Jersey and Long Island weekenders?
Is your mother the penetrating aroma or urine of the F train?

Oh you're from Los Angeles?
Is your mother a saline chested attention hound willing to do anything and anyone for a 15 second walk on role on the lowest rated show on the Food Network?

...and I'll make them up about places I know nothing about

Oh you're from Lochern, MD?
Did you live on a donkey farm run by flying red pixies that loved to sing showtunes in German accents?

Oh you're from Herman, NE?
Did you get paid with the teeth of kittens that failed to pass the LSATs?

Oh yo're from Liberal, KS? Sure I know where it is. About 30 miles south of Sublette.
Is your mother a 300 pound Simoan gentleman that wears brown spandex and likes to have sex with bullet wounds that actually believes in and worships Poseiden?

...and on and on until people stop being stupid. That means I'll be saying these things forever.

posters on the train

2006-08-03T23:44:00.000-04:00

I find it ok to not take reading with me on the subway when i ride around the city. I like to people watch and there's always plenty of reading on the walls of the cars. They're usually easy to see because THE ENTIRE WALL IS PLASTERED WITH THE SAME AD. Here's 2 that caught my eye today.

"of course new york is cool. it has millions of air conditioners"

this is an ad for the ever infamous Con Edison. um, excuse me, ConED, new york ISN'T cool. remember how there was a POWER OUTAGE? Some called it a BLACKOUT and called themselves FUCKED. remember how sometimes random people get ELECTROCUTED because of a seemingly careless approach to handling live wires? yeah, not cool.

another ConED ad reads

"we're on it. under it. inside it. through it. above it. across it."

ah. poetry. nice to see that ConED hired Robert Pinsky, Maya Angelou, and ee cummings to collarborate on that piece of art. It actually sounds more like a threat to me. sounds like a serial rapist describing what they're gonna do to their next victim. which, of course, will be an altercation that conlcudes with electrocution.

which brings me to another point: why is ConED advertising? is there some competition i don't know about? some power company that won't accidentally kill people and have power outages occur? no? well guess you gotta do something with all that money.

I've been seeing a lot of ads for Jesus for Jews. What happened to Jews for Jesus? Is it the same organization that wanted an image change? Is it someone different? Or is it just that jewsforjesus.com and .org were already taken? Damn 15 year olds.

It's good that they changed the name cuz one of them implies that Jesus is worshipping the Jews.

Now I don't mean to make fun or what someone believes, but yes I do.

Here's 2 ads I liked by them

"Pursuing truth is a noble thing. But what if it leads you to an unpopular belief that might be misunderstood by those you care about the most?"

Hmm. An unpopular belief? Christianity? Last I checked (and I do check) its pretty popular. But you are talking about the Jews. Maybe its not popular amongst them. Usually Christianity isn't popular becuz they are busy being Jewish. Gets in the way of your daily allowance of Jesus.

"Often our culture dictates what we're willing to consider. But truth knows no such limits. Shlomy can tell you."

And the man pictured as the Israeli Shlomy looks exactly like an Israeli named Shlomy.

You guys got me JeJews! I'm gonna convert to Judaism then convert to something that sits strangely between Christianity and Judaism that manages to be scarier than both! Yay! There is a light at the end of the tunnel! Oh wait, that's just because we're being held in the station.

Lee-tastic

2006-07-31T16:15:00.000-04:00

Its 2006 and Bruce Lee is still the baddest mofo that has ever existed.

Snark-tastic

2006-07-31T11:11:00.000-04:00

Sometimes I get to do shows in Midtown for Tourist McTouristy. A whole audience of people that come to New York. Most of them expect it to just be a bigger version of where they are from. Wrong! New York is in no way nice or simple. Sorry. It's true.

I did a show the other day in Midtown. I've been doing a lot of shows at the Improv Cafe which is run by my friend Aaron Haber. I had 3 shows there recently. 2 were great and the one sandwiched in the middle was strange. They clammed up if I said or implied anything about race. When I walked off stage a woman in the back on the room said, "You've got a lot of potential. You should drop the racial stuff." I pulled back my sleeve, showed her my skin color, pointed at it and said, "It Happens."

Indeed. Contrary to popular belief, Stand Up comics love getting notes and criticism from people who have done stand up never. This woman doesn't realize that its because of people like her that I do racial material. Her statements to me mean that what I did wasn't white friendly and thus needs to be cut from my act. Which of course means I'm gonna do the opposite. That's like telling a swimmer to not get wet. That's like telling a skydiver to not fall. When you are black in America, race is an issue cuz you're always seen as the other. White is normal and you are the other. The problem people. Its an issue in my life, so I talk about it onstage. So Shut it lady and go watch Robin Williams.

And Now....
for my all time favorite Viral Video "Afro Ninja"

That is comedy.
I showed this to a friend and he said he doesn't find it funny when people get hurt. He has something called empathy which makes him feel for human beings. Hey man, I have it too. Like if this happened on a sidwalk outside Central Park. I wouldn't find it funny. But this guy is auditioning for a movie and he fucks it up!!! And he gets up and still tries to finish. Man, that is funny! Maybe its because I go on auditions a lot and if I do badly, I can always say "well I least i didn't try to do a backflip and land on my face!"

That always brightens my day.

Rut-tastic

2006-07-26T13:37:00.000-04:00

Its amazing how when you technically have nothing to do you really do nothing. I have nothing to do, but the "technically" means I have various assignments floating around my head that need to get done. Various things ranging from cleaning my room to cleaning the bathroom to writing sketches to writing jokes to doing laundry to paying my 6 month delinquent student loans to filing taxes for 2005.

Things that I maybe just maybe should get done.

I haven't had what you could call a day job in a long while which is good. Very good. Many of my friends have to assuage their desire to nut kick me when I tell them that. Doesn't mean i'm confortable at all. I am living check to check. I know there are checks coming, but I don't know when. That means i can run out of money and not have another check for a month. I still have to get through that month. So i'm perpetually "on the verge" Somethings gonna happen. I just don't know what or when.

I've described it as having planted seeds that haven't yet grown. If you were a stranger who didn't know there were seeds there, you'd walk by and think "Why is that black asshole watering dirt? And why is there a patch of dirt in a fluorescent junkyard. How did I end up walking by this junkyard? How did this junkyard become fluorescent? There is pink, yellow and orange everywhere! Where is my son?"

See? Its an indentity crisis for everyone involved.

Set to set

2006-07-21T09:44:00.000-04:00

They say every comedian lives set to set. By "they" I mean Jacob They and the They Foundation (saying what's what for 100 years). By "Set to set" I mean you have a great set and you feel great until you have a shitty set which makes you feel shitty until you have a great set. I've gotten better and better at accepting when I have horrible sets. I can just tell by the mood and the audience when that's gonna happen. Most comedians will say the good/bad set relationship happens in movements. They'll be a time where you're just having bad set after bad set: the slump. Suddenly all the sets are good. Sometimes that even happens when you're doing the exact same material.

This week for me has been a set to set week. I'm 2 and 2. The best set of the week comes with an interesting story. I made my premiere on the infamous show Invite Them Up on Wednesday night when who shows up 5 minutes before the show? Why the one and only Louis CK. i was nervous to follow him cuz once I had to follow Chris Rock and that wasn't pleasant. People looked at me and were like "the fact you exist means you're trying to copy him," and i didn't have a good time. But now I'm a better comedian and I know what I'm doing. I had a great set and felt good about everything in the world.

Then thursday came, back to the drawing board. And by "drawing board" I mean floating razor blades above my wrists.

Hmm, even I'm uncomfortable with that joke.

Moment of Clarity #31

2006-07-20T02:30:00.000-04:00

(I thought of this one first)

The day before Armaggedon, I want to be the first person to say, "Let's blank like there's no tomorrow."

(then I thought of it this way)

If you had a friend who was psychic, it'd be intimidating to hear them say "Let's blank like there's no tomorrow."

(Regardless of which is funnier, I'm still disgusted with myself as a human being.)

Moment of Clarity #30

2006-07-18T02:10:00.000-04:00

The letter "R" is very important. Without it i'd end up saying things like...

"gil, i want to touch you beasts."

Don't Blow the Job!

2006-07-14T03:32:00.000-04:00

I came home last night (3am) to someone getting a blowjob on the stoop next to mine. It was not inconspicuous by any means. A man sitting on the stairs with a woman kneeling in front of him. His hands clasped around her bouncing head. I mean I am assuming here so I apologize.

My favorite part was when they saw me coming. The guy saw me coming and I guess he gestured to the woman to stop moving. Her head was still but they were still in the exact same position. Yes, that's gonna fool me. That is what is gonna make me rethink the fact that you're receiving fellatio in public. Her just keeping her head still.

"Oh my God!! Is that what I think it is. She is totally sucking his...wait a minute. Her head isn't moving anymore. Hmm, well I guess I was wrong. They must just be playing Scattergories on the street. At 3am. With her head is his lap. Scattergories. Yeah."

You're not allowed to be embarrased once you've commited to that. That's a brave thing to do. I mean you can't just pause everytime someone walks by. Shove it in their face. I mean not literally. Don't shove it in their face. I mean her face is already being shoved. I mean don't apologize. Celebrate it. Cuz really you guys are oral sexing it up on the street! Wow. I'm coming home alone to my little room to blog about it. Yup, I feel fulfilled. Its a good thing tears are a great sleeping pill.

An Old Joke.

2006-07-07T15:13:00.000-04:00

A tourist goes to Mexico with a tourist group, but finds himself separated from them. The only thing he knows is that he's supposed to meet with his group at the church in the middle of town at 6:30pm to go back to the hotel. Like an idiot, he didn't bring a watch with him. So he walks up to a man sitting on the edge of the road with a donkey standing next to him

"Excuse me...uh...habla ingles?"

"Si."

"Oh good. Do you know what time it is?"

The man sitting in the road grabs the donkey's balls and lifts them, "well sir, it's 5:15pm"

The tourist walks away dumbfounded and disturbed, but strangely impressed. He wanders around the town a bit longer but doesn't go too far so as not to get lost and makes his way back over to the man in the street. "Excuse me again. Can I get the time?"

The man grabs the donkey's balls, lifts them, "it's 6:20."

"I'm sorry, but how is it you can tell time by fondling that donkey's junk?"

"Well you grab the donkey's balls like THIS...you lift them like THIS...and you see that clock over there?"

The Great T-Shirt Caper of 20 ought 6!!!!

2006-06-27T01:36:00.000-04:00

I'm on a search for cool T Shirts. I want a surplus.

I've recently discovered that I don't have enough cool T-Shirts for summer. I have T-Shirts. Plenty of plain white T's, but I want something that stands on it own as a piece of clothing. Different colors, different graphics, etc.

Please if you read this and have a suggestion for a store or website I should go to to find some T's, leave a comment beeeeeyatch.

Moment of Clarity #29

2006-06-26T18:32:00.000-04:00

When redheads wear blue they look very patriotic.

...and now presenting the closing number from the current production by the National Speech Impediment Summer Stock Players!!!

"Jesus Drist! Duperdar!
Do you dink you're what dey day you are!"

$141,453.33 - a poem

2006-06-22T11:07:00.000-04:00

you know what?

fuck you!!

fuck you person who went to the ATM before me
at the Washington Mutual on 23rd St and 6th Ave

fuck you person who conveniently left their
transaction reciept in the machine

so that
unsuspectingly people like me
could find it and wonder what the fuck i'm doing with my life

that's how much you have in checking?

as my jess wood says, "I'll kill everybody!"

i have a fraction of a fraction of that and i feel like
i'm in the money, honey

i have a sliver of a sliver of that and i feel like
i can eat all of the little debbies nutty bars i want

i have percentage of a percentage of that
but i still have more money that most of my friends

UDDERS

you put that there on purpose
you wanted me to find it

you with your financial know how
with your accountant
with your penchant for keeping receipts
with your knack to file taxes on time
with your shiny shoes
with your money put away for the future
with your money saved for the future
with your 401k
with your mutual funds
with your college money for the kids you haven't even thought about having

seriously
fuck you.

This time of year...

2006-06-17T22:11:00.001-04:00

...I'm reminded of the old Bill Hicks joke:

"What the hell did moths bump into before the lightbulb?"

Mr Big Stuff.

2006-06-17T21:02:00.000-04:00

So I just saw Chris Noth on the N train. Now normally and striahgt black male would have no idea who this was (unless he's a fan on Law and Order which black men typically aren't in any sense), but I happen to have a lot of close friend who are Women or Gay Men. That means any time you hang with a group of women or gay men, there will be viewings of Sex and the City. The if you hang out with one female friend there is a 10% chance you will watch Sex and the City. 2 women and/or gay men = 20% chance. 3 = 40%. 4 = 80%. 5 = 160%. That's right! The increase is exponential!!

If you are hanging out with 5 women/gay men, there is a 160% chance you will watch that show. The extra 60% mean that you will unexpectedly be jostled out of your slumer by a phone call to test how much you retained from the previous evenings show.

So, yes. Chris Noth was Mr. Big. He got up out of his seat and I sat in it. Then I noticed a bunch of girls giggling, staring and then getting very silent. So I looked and I saw who it was. At first I was surprised he was on the subway, but then I thought why wouldn't he ride the subway? If i get some sort of notoriety, I'll ride the subway. Its convient and it something I'm used to. I always find it interesting when people assume a celebrity wouldn't do something normal people do. Like just because Vince Vaughn is Vince Vaughn doesn't mean he's gonna stop eating ham sandwiches. He likes ham sandwiches. He liked them before he was famous and helikes them now. What do you think? Once the first million in went in the bank he was like "Ham and Chesse is too pedestrian, from now on I shall only eat Lobster and Cheese followed by Lamb and Quiche with mayo"? He learned the same lesson we learned from Hammer and Coery Feldman: put some money away because it won't last forever if you do dumb shit. And that's the truth.

Which is it?

2006-06-15T01:23:00.000-04:00

Am I pushing people to not want to talk to me anymore or are they pushed to that? Like they just feel like that no matter what I say? Its an issue of something I've always thought about since high school: intention vs perception. What I mean to say vs. how its being taken. I have little control over how its being taken. If I'm talking to a person that's predisposed to receive what I'm saying as an attack, they're gonna react to me like I just took a swing at them.

It reminds me of "World Views" which I think is a Meisner thing. Its a view a character has of everyone around them like "Eveyone is just a little bit dumber tham I am" or "Everyone is out to get me." I think a lot of people in 2006 have the view of "Everyone is out to get me." Somehow I got into an arguement with someone I care about and it ended with "I can't talk to you about this anymore. Peace." Maybe what I was saying was harsh or "too real" as they say. I don't know, but i don't like being the bad guy. I don't like that she's probably thinking, "Man, Fuck, Baron." And not in the good way. Like she's commanding some whore slave to do my bidding. But the bad way. Like I'm gonna have darts thrown at a picture of my face to blow off steam.

This is a new potential bit based on a convo with friend Josh Grosvent...

Stand Up is one of the few things people think they can just do and be brilliant. Its an art. It takes years to master it and even longer to get recognized. I was watching HBO and they showed a preview of "Tourgasm" a new show starring Dane Cook. The voiceover reffered to Dane Cook as "hot new comedian" UMMM, Dane Cook has been doing stand up for 16 years!!! But in stand up years you're still reffered to as a new comedian. That's the perception that makes Dingleberry Joe from the office, or dealership, or time share who can make his friends and family laugh think he can walk on stage once and walk off with a $100,000 development deal with a major network. Amazing comedians can make it look like they are coming up with the shit right there. It takes them nearly a decade to make it look easy. There's usually someone in the audience that goes, "Hey that's easy. I should be getting paid for this." That doesn't happen with other professions that take a certain a level of skill, education and talent to do.

"Yeah, I think I'm gonna go be a concert violinist. Yeah, I been watching PBS, saw some guy playing and it looks pretty easy. I figure I'll go pick one up tomorrow and go be the first chair of the New York Philharmoic the next day."

"Yup, thing i'm gonna be a city planner. yeah, I've seen a lot of cities on TV, even lived in a few and I could totally do that better. I mean how hard can it be? I just put up a few buildings and pave some roads, right?"

Then again where would we be if some drunk guy didn't go "You know what seems like an easy job? President. I'm gonna go be the President."

Um yeah...

2006-06-11T16:46:00.000-04:00

So on Friday June 9, 2006, the New York Post had a cover that shocked the shite out of me. A picture of the newly dead Al-Zarqawi with a cartoon voice bubble that said "Warm Up the Virgins." Wow. Distasteful. I mean, yes, its good he's dead but COME ON!

Ever walked into a store with a specific request? You knew exactly what you needed. You looked around and said to yourself, "Hey what happened to my garden shears? I needed those." So you go to a hardware store, go right up to an employee and say "Excuse me, I need some garden shears." For some reason, there are people who will offer you something completely different that you do not need, that's not even related to what you need.

"Well we don't have those? You want some lightbulbs?"

Huh? That's the furthest away from what I need.

"What about a lampshade?"

No. I specifically need garden shears!

That's how I feel about Osama Bin Laden. We continue to be offered other things, but never got what we went to get in the first place.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I got a passive aggressive automated message. I called a friend and the voice said "This customer has chosen not to receive incoming calls." Really? Why would someone chose to not receive incoming calls? Why would someone chose to not have one of the 2 primary reasons to have a phone? I get in touch with that person a little later and she tells me "I can't pay my bills." Hmm, so that means. Her cell phone company was being a smart ass. "Uh yeah, this person has chosen not to receive calls because they haven't paid there bill. Paying your bill means you want a phone. Apparently, this person does not want one. So you see, they've chosen not to receive calls. I've made my point." Quite a service.

Rain rain go away...

2006-06-04T22:38:00.000-04:00

This rain, huh? Its crazy, eh? Whatever, its all just subtle pre-amble to the Apocalypse. At least its only rain. When its starts to be blood, Bat heads and READ magazines falling from the sky. I'll be a little scared. Indeed very scared and scarred.

That's what we have to look forward to: talking about the Apocalypse like its the weather.

(Two fishermen in Maine sitting on a pier)

MAN:
Uh oh, almost 7 o'clock. Be dark soon.

GUY:
Yuh.

MAN:
Almost Apocalypse time.

GUY:
Yuh. Best be headin in.

MAN:
Yuh.

(Cut to a local News Program)

ANCHOR:
And now with our weekend forcast here's Apocalyptic Soothsayer, Jeff Goodwinger.

JEFF:
Hey thanks, Tim. We've got a heavy Apocalypse this weekend. So I'd advise staying in. As you can see on our Demon Scan Biblical Ending technology there's gonna be a locust front coming in through Texas and up into the Northeast. Now remember these are giant maneating locusts that signify the end is nigh, not the ordinary crop eating kind we're used to from years ago. So wear a hat. And if you're plan a trip or escape to the midwest this weekend there a 30% chance of 4 horsemen with partly ashen skies. So wear shoes fit for running and carry a gun or a sword with you for I can guarantee some feistiness. Back to you, Tim.

ANCHOR:
Thanks, Jeff. That's it for tonight. I'll be out next week for I've just been possessed. (Eyeballs explode) DIEM EX MORTIS! ARRUGHTGHARUGHARUGHGARUUGUIAHGARGFIDHGAFRIARHAUAH.

Ever notice?

2006-05-25T17:38:00.000-04:00

Ever notice how there are no old women named Brittany or Tiffany?

Of course 20 years ago you could've said, "ever notice how there are no old women named Allison or Catherine?"

20 years before that Susan or Sarah.

20 years before that Opal or Gladys.

20 years from now they'll be saying "Ever notice how there are no old women named Dallas or Dakota?"

20 years from that "Ever notice how there are no old women name RK40-thx 213?"

Eat your heart out Robert McKee

2006-05-22T14:32:00.000-04:00

Bazooka Joe Comics are structurally perfect. I attended a performance last night of a friend named Dan Zaitchik who is a wonderful composer. He's one of those people that does something better than you could ever do it so why try.

He was kind enough to put snacks on the different tables including delicious Bazooka Joe Gum.

Here's two comics that have a clear beginning, middle and end.

(JOE and Kid 1 see Billy approaching)

KID 1: Here's comes Billy with his new watch again!

JOE: I'll fix him.

(enter Billy with his nose turned up)

BILLY: My watch is always right.

JOE: Yeah, well this watch fell in the river, a year later it was still running.

BILLY: The watch?

(while walking away)

JOE: No, the River.

~~Ooooooh, Snap!!!~~

(JOE and DUDE are walking to school.)

DUDE: I think I'm going to flunk my history test today on account of sickness.

JOE: You're sick?

DUDE: No, but the fellow I copy from is home with a cold!!

~~DOUBLE SNAP!!! CAN I GET A WHAT WHAT?!~~

I expect proofs of my thesis in my comments.

Dealing with it

2006-05-18T13:54:00.000-04:00

I think its been a little over a month since my grandmother, JJ died.

I don't know how to think about it.

My mother and I didn't have a big catharsis. There wasn't the release of "Why? Oh God Why?" We both seemed to have a very subtle sustained sadness. My theory is that my mother and I were both cool with JJ. Every card was out on the table a few years ago and she was a very present part of our lives. So she knew how we felt about her. Most people have a family member pass away and there's that feeling of "I never got to say...they didn't know...I didn't talk to them much...etc." That turns into regret. Or maybe you didn't get along that well with the person or you fought about something that doesn't seem important to you now that they're gone. There might be some resentment. My mother and I didn't have that with JJ. We all were cool with each other.

I'll miss her more the more time that goes by. Right now it still doesn't feel that real. I'm used to being away from her. I'm used to the distance of our relationship. Me in New York and her in Las Vegas. I'm used to not seeing her for months at a time until I can afford to go back home. That's how it feels. Like I'll see her when I go back home. When I was home for the service and such, I kept expecting her to walk in the bedroom and try to scare me awake like she used to. I kept expecting to see her on the computer playing Spider Solitaire and somking a cig when I went dowstairs.

We were very close. She was one of my best friends. One of my two favorite people in this world: her and my mom. Its a very foreign feeling for her to be gone and not partake in her wisdom. She was very very wise. She taught me how to see things from many different aspects. That is part of my comic instinct. Knowing how to see one thing in 15 different ways.

It was sudden the way she died. Which, its strange to say, I think was for the best. It just happened. We didn't have to watch her deteriorate. Apparently, she had a heart attack and my mom and sisters found her in her apt 12 hours after it happened. One thing that haunts me is wondering what that last moment was like. Imagining the look of her face.

This upset me. My mother recently called to tell me that JJ had put my name on her bank account. Meaning that I get whatever is in it. It really bothered me. It felt very final. Like well "here ya go, here's what's left of that woman you loved so very much." And its not a lot of money at all. It'll be spent quickly. I feel horrible about receiving this money. I can't really explain it outside of that.

I got to keep this Dodgers jacket she had. Its in good condition. Maybe she got in the 80s or early 90s: its old school. I said to myself the first time I do stand up on a major TV show nationally I'm gonna where this jacket. Too bad Comedy Central hates me, but that's another story for another time.

I want her to be proud of me.

My Mind is Clearer Now..

2006-05-16T02:15:00.000-04:00

At last
All to well
I can see
where we all
soon will be...

Those are the first words of the Rock Opera "Jesus Christ Superstar" by Andrew Lloyd Webber. I first saw this when i was in high school and I knew once I could sing the way Judas could, I was done. I was a good enough singer. Here's the problem. Bflat above the scale. Its a note Carl Anderson (RIP) goes to in the movie. Its the highest note Judas sings. I can get to A full voice, but i'm straining to do so. Its easy on a good well warmed up day after i haven't had any soda for a month and i've just been kicked in the balls.

Little theatre nerd trivia for you. In the movie of JCS, the very thin Ted Neely played Jesus and the inimitable Carl Anderson played Judas. That lineup, however, was not the original Broadway cast. In fact, you can't easily get the Broadway cast album. You can get the concept album/London cast, you can get the movie soundtrack, a 20 anniversary album, and the last major revival. Last time I checked, you could get the Broadway cast imported from Japan for $60 dollars (I just looked at Amazon and a highlights version is $14.98)!! $60!! Isn't there a way for it to be cheaper? I mean how about a highlights version that i could get on the internet? But no, my friends, that'll probably never happen (No it does, I just said up there....ahh!...getting choked...can't breathe...i didn't play by their rules...i didn't play by their rrrrr...).

Anyway, the original Jesus was Jeff Fenholt (who had some sort of sordid past with the band Black Sabbath and is now a Christian rocker) and the orginal Judas was Ben Vereen. Yes, Ben Vereen. The man. Let us make no mistake. Ben Vereen is the fucking man. He is the real deal. There is a recording of the show Pippin in which he plays the Leading Player where he dances and sings with an enormity that you can only call Ben Vereen. Legend has it that before that production he was in a car accident and was told he would never walk again. He is dancing Fosse in the show. Fosse! The most theatrically specific style of dance in the American Musical!! Never walk again my ass!

Anyway, now that I'm done with that very gay interlude. I will say that late great Carl Anderson did the role like no one else could. His voice is increible and powerful and its effortless to him. I wish I could sing like that. The only other thing I have his singing voice on is "Play On!" the soundtrack of a musical adaptation of Twelfth Night set to the music and time of Duke Ellington. Anderson plays the Duke and good God the man's voice is ridiculous.

I wonder though. Oh how I wonder why its ok for a black man to play Judas. Hmm. In fact a black Judas has become the standard for productions of JCS. Hmm. If they cast a black man as Jesus, I guarantee you people would raise hell, no pun intended. In high school, we almost did this show and people thought I'd be Judas since I was an ok singer, ok actor, and I had a rep for betraying people to the principal for 30 pieces of silver. However, there was no one in my school that could play/sing Jesus: performing arts school or not. That is a high tenor to sing. Rumor was we were gonna cast a girl. The moment the rumor got out, the show was changed. Hmm. Interesting.

Rambly McSpambly

2006-05-13T01:25:00.000-04:00

Well the door to my apartment has been fixed. THANK GOD. Also, the Metrocard people called and they're gonna refund me $32. Not bad. This is good seeing how the week pass I just purchased stopped working for no reason. Probably got damaged by being in my pocket.

Few Things:

Was watching MTV's new sociological/anthropological clambake entitled "Date My Mom." This is a show when a single person (male/female, gay/straight) goes out with the mothers of 3 different potential mates and makes a decision based on the parent. Um, what?!?! And don't get me started on the very strange incestuous overtones. Um, you're gonna go out with someone because you have sexual tension with their mother?!?! There was one young man who went swimming with the mom of a potential girlfriend. A some point he's rubbing her feet and it cut to him talking to camera going, "Think about the daughter. Think about the daughter."

That same episode contains a line that makes me shutter. This boy looking for the mates is in training to become a fire fighter and one of these possible girlie's is training to do make up on bodies for funerals. When the mother tells her daughter of the boy's occupational goals, the duaghter says, "The people he don't save, I'll make look good." Say it with me: Um, What? And she says it with a perky enthusiasm like its nothing. She just moves on. Nothing to it. That's the kind of thing you say from a dark pensive place. That's the kind of thing you say when you are teetering on the edge of sanity, when you are on the verge of falling into the abyss of man's mortality.

I saw a guy on the subway tonight. Latin guy with a very angry face. He was blasting a song on his iPod. It was "Dirty Diana" by Michael Jackson. He was really listening to it. He was mad about it. I wondered who the Diana was in his life.

In Compliance...

2006-05-11T19:14:00.000-04:00

...with the myth that the pigeons' strike on my head is good luck, I had a bit of luck today. I awoke to find that the front door of my apartment was hanging of the hinge. The bolt in the wall just gave and the door does not close. I had to leave it ajar when i ran my errands today. Luckily, nothing was taken.

Am i still in college or something. Here are some items in my fridge.

Half eaten Chocolate Cake given to me by Collaboration Town on my birthday, December 18th. It's May.

An Uneaten Orange in a Bag.

Some Italian food. At Least that what I think it is. I'm afraid to open it and see.

Some lunchmeats that i can barely see for the bags they are in have fogged up.

And i just came home with groceries. What did i decide I absolutely had to have? Why, Little Debbie's Nutty Bars and Swiss Cake Rolls of course. Also, some milk for my Cocoa Pebbles and Raisin Bran (to balance it out).

People never understand why I eat out so often.

this one goes out to the class of '06

2006-05-10T15:30:00.000-04:00

i have a thing about me that makes people think i'm younger than i am and older than i am at the same time. i was class of '03, so there's a clue.

i recently went back to Boston to see some friends from my old alma mater, BU. These guys were freshman when i was a senior. Now they're seniors and they graduate sunday. i went back to show some support see some shows and such and to participate in a few dialogues about the future. i stayed in my regular hotel: Chez Futon of Lee and Therese (hi, peter) and hung out.

i felt like a burden. Everyone was in that mindspace of leaving school. And i mean leaving school. Its a weird feeling to have your entire existence wrapped up in school. Everything you do and everywhere you go is pretty much motivated by school. Suddenly, no school. To some people, its a very emotional experience. Especially at my school where you become very close with your class. There were less than 40 people in my class. The same people everyday in every class for four years. Obviously, you build very close friendships.

in boston, i was surrounded by people who i would say needed space. A lot of people had family in so i jetted. Also, its the last time I can visit Boston without a solid reason. No one at that school (outside of profs) know who i am and now i'll be that sketchy guy that graduated years ago who keep showing up to parties. So unless I'm doing shows (Walsh's, Yaffe - I'm talking to you), I won't be going back to Boston.

and to the class of '06 i'd like to quote my friend Josh Grosvent from our recent upstate college jaunt "there's nothing for you out there, no one is waiting for you." Oh, funny cuz it's true.

Bon of a Stich Part 2: War on Me.

2006-05-05T15:41:00.000-04:00

After having lost my wallet this week (which has opened me up to criticism in my comments), I had another very New York thing happen to me today.

After leaving a cafe on 28th street after being accused of stealing Arizona Iced Tea ("why don't you have any napkins?" why would i need that for a drink?), I walked toward the west side. Then I was struck. Not in the face by a stranger, that would have been better. "Hope that was water," said a nearby police officer. Oh, snap! Didn't know to serve and project meant I would get served. "So do I," I returned.

I finally got up to a bathroom in a building to look at the damage. Now I should have mentioned this was no simple shit. The cop said I hope that was water meaning there was a lot that fell out of the air. There was shit on my left knee, both my wrists, my left shoulder, right shoulder blade, a little on my sleeve, and my hair. My hair which I had actually combed out today. Shit. In it.

Now I have to be clear that this is one of two things. Either pigeon asses are similar to changeable shower heads and they can go from spray to focused stream to massage depending on the mood that day, or a disgruntled group of birds assaulted me as a team. I'm gonna go with assault. It felt like I had been shitbombed. It felt very organized and deliberate.

What have I done to deserve this? Has it been the many times I've spoken out about Bush and his policies? No, who doesn't do that nowadays? Its tre chic. I know. It must be the many times in public I've spoken out about the movies Valiant and Chicken Run that prompted a retaliation from the groups represented therein. Well FUCK ya'll. Gotta go bathe now.

Bon of a Sitch

2006-05-03T10:32:00.000-04:00

Well I lost my wallet. For the second time since I been in NYC. Both times were in the worst possible situations.

The first time was after getting a haircut up in Harlem on the opening night of this little thing I did ON BROADWAY!! I came to NYC with a show in tow which is rare. This was our opening night which meant the performance was early so that we could hit the party afterwards (actually its early for the press). After waiting for a bit and finally getting in the chair, the actual haircut took 30 minutes longer than I expected. Suddenly, I find myself running down 125th St toward the 2/3 station. I have my hair freshly *quaffed. I have a bag full of shit - don't remember what on one arm and my rented lavendar tux complete with tophat on the other arm. I'm running down the street carrying all this and reach into my pocket to get my card for the subway...um, no wallet. Oh my God. Not only do I not have my subway card, my IDs were in there and some other things I can't get back. Not cash. But smaller things of sentimental value. I track back a little, but to no avail: I DROPPED IT ON 125TH STREET! I go down into the station hoping i have enough money for a $2 single ride. I put all the change i have in to the machine and I have...ahem...$1.95. I'm like "Someone, please help me. I only need a nickel." I sounded like a beggar so people walked by me or ignored me until the first woman who walked by must have replayed what I said in her head adn gave me a nickel.

The point is I lost my wallet on the street in Harlem.

Yesterday I was exhausted. I sometimes do that New York thing of falling asleep on the subway and waking up at my stop and jumping out of the car. Anyone, who has done this know its very disorienting. You are asleep and suddenly you are walking. I was on the train yesterday with my shoulder bag on my lap. I was holding my cell in one hand and my wallet in the other. I fell asleep. I get to my stop and jump out the car forgetting my wallet was on my lap. It wasn't until 20 minutes later that I realized I dropped it. Now, this is my theory of what happened. I assume this is what happened because it makes the most sense. I cancel my debit card. I'm gonna try to see if I can get my metrocard refunded.

The point is I lost my wallet on a subway train.

Some people freak out badly aobut something like that. I just let it go. I realized there was nothing I could do about it at that time and to freak out would serve no purpose. My New Age inclination tells me I was supposed to lose it for some reason. Maybe the reason is to feel shitty at a later date.

*quaff means to drink a beverage heartily. I really need to do more research when using other people's expressions.

Moment of Clarity #28

2006-05-02T01:34:00.000-04:00

The only thing worse than a man with nothing to lose, is a cab driver with nothing to lose.

A Few Joke Ideas.

2006-04-26T01:16:00.000-04:00

After doing some colleges and some road gigs I am officially tired of the majority of my material. Its very very nice to know that i can do 45-60 minutes and keep people interested the entire time, but now its time to start over. Here's a few ideas I've been having...

You think anyone plays the Harlem Globetrotters and takes themselves way to seriously? There's a team in their locker room at half time and they're geting ripped into..."DAMMIT! We are 0 and 550! You guys have to start playing some defense! I don't care if they're bouncing it off their heads and shooting basket with their buttchecks. We're getting our asses handed to us by courtroom antics! Now get out there and act like you are the Washington Generals!!"

I've been seeing political messages in strange places lately. A weird one was in Disneyland when i went there for Christmas with my family. We rode on the It's a small world afterall ride listening to that hypnotic song in many different languages when we found ourselves in a section of it with no music. This section was ransacked. Houses were ripped apart. Dolls were knocked over with broken heads. You could see the little elctric impulse in their throats light up to the rhythm of the song. I was like "what is this?" It was very disturbing. We get to the end of the section and then a banner falls that says "MISSION ACCOMPLISHED" I get it. Random, but I get it.

I don't know what it is in some people (I think its genetic) that makes them not admit when they are falling asleep. They will just not own up to it. "You're falling asleep" "No, i'm just resting my eyes." "Yes I know. That's called sleeping." Its the only thing I know of where people will state the definition of what they are doing as evidence that that aren't doing it. "Did you pee in the bed?" "No, i just relieved myself in the place in which I slumber." "Did you eat all my cookies?" "No, I just devoured and ingested your delicious supply of secret baked goods." "Are you in love with a stripper?" "No, I'm just enamored of a woman who makes her livelihood as an exotic dancer." These are usually the smae people who won't admit when they are drunk. If someone said to you "You're Drunk" its because you just did something really drunk to deserve that comment. If someone said it to you when you were just sitting down minding your own business, they're drunk.

Answer: Me.

2006-04-22T11:51:00.000-04:00

Question: who stayed up to 3am watching Yo Momma on MTV?

I could NOT get to sleep. My sleeping schedule is all mixed up because of all the travelling I've been doing. After a great show last night, I got back here to my friends place and sat on the couch staring at the idiot box hoping that my eyes would fade. It didn't happen. Especialy since there was an amazing show on TV which, as we all know, is a stunning sociological study about how ugly, fat, stupid or poor one's Momma may happen to be.

Hosted by the inimitable Wilmer Valderrama this show is a slapdash haberdash flash cash stab at the age old artform of the dozens or cappin' or its scientific name "Yo Momma Jokes."

I wish I could say its an American artform like that of Jazz or Stand Up, but it has been around for ages. There is documentation all the way back to Ancient Greece recorded in certain dialogues of Socrates "Yo Momma is so fat, getting her from here to Sparta is Apollo's part time job," and "Yo Momma is so fat, she wore the Parthenon for a belt...yeah, she ruined it! Get it she ruined it!" Also, in some of the poetry of Homer, "Yo Momma is so ugly I sent her on a date with a cyclops and he came back with no eyes. I said what happened he said I just couldn't take it anymore!!"

Also evidence in the Roman empire "Yo Momma is so ugly, she's the reason Bacchus drinks!" "Yo Momma is so dirty, she rents out her pockets as a Vomitorium."

...also in Indian Culture, "Yo Momma is so ugly, Vishnu grew his other arms just to slap the bitch!"

...early Christianity, "Yo Momma is so ugly and dirty, she went to get Baptized and someone had to save Jesus!"

...Elizabethan England, "Thy mother's breath is so foul, a fortnight was defined by how long one would pass out after receiving it into their nostrils. TWO WEEKS BITCH!"

...South America, "Yo Momma is so fat and gross, she farted and the Incas disappeared"

...to Puritan New England, "Yo Momma is so ugly, we burned her as a witch and the bitch looked better! The fire jumped off of her it was like Fuck This!"

...and of course to the present era MTV show. Honestly, I'm surprsed the show isn't on the History Channel or Discovery because of the historcal relevance of the subject matter.

Anyway, here's a few jokes I literally dreamed last night...

"Yo Momma is so ugly her driver's license looks like Mr Potato Head with all the parts in the wrong place."

"Yo Momma is so fat people thought they heard Stomp doing a show in the street but it was just her ass and stomach rolls banging together."

"Yo momma is so ugly she makes silence scream."

Here's some of my all time favorites...

"Yo Momma is so fat, she bungee jumped and went straight to hell."

"Yo Momma is so old, her Social Security Number is 1."

"Yo Momma is so poor she can't afford to pay attention."

"Yo Momma is so fat, she sat on a quarter and a booger squeezed out George Washington's nose."

And my favorite of all time...

"Yo Momma is so old and so fat, that when God said Let There Be Light, he really said Bitch, move your fat ass out the way"

Upstate Bitches...

2006-04-21T11:56:00.000-04:00

My month has been absolutely crazy. I've been travelling around this lovely country attending to comedy and family tragedy. I've gone from NYC to Pittsburgh to NYC To Vermont to NYC to LA to NYC to Las Vegas to NYC to Syracuse, NY where I'm currently doing some college shows with compadre Josh Grosvent.

So I haven't blogged because I haven't really been around computers lately. Forgive me? Trust me, I have plenty of ideas and little quirky thing to write, but I need some SPACE!! You people are SUFFOCATING ME! All 5 of you that read this. DEMANDING my mental genius to be spilled onto the web! How dare you? No. This is all me. I shan't blame you for my own shortcomings.

The Old Man Saga Continues...

2006-04-12T16:35:00.000-04:00

I found out I have quite the prestigious reader of my blog so it motivated me to write.

First off I had a great set last night at Poker Night hosted by Jack Kukoda and Dustin D'Addato featuring Sara Schaefer, Becky Yamamoto, Kurt Braunohler, Katherine Bryant and Elephant Larry. Also ran into Shayna Ferm and Sven Wechsler who came with me to Galapagos where I had a "quit comedy" night.

ANYWAY, THE OLD MAN DOWNSTAIRS IS PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE.

I didn't think he would be seeing how he had moved on to grabbing me when he was trying to talk to me. I arrived back in my apartment at 5:30am on Sunday morning after getting off a flight from LA. I walked into my apartment to see my roommate wide awake with some friends of his having a small bday celebration. I was surprised to see numerous people that were awake. I went to bed.

A few hours later there is a pounding on my floor like the old man was crucifying something by nailing it to his ceiling. Then the door buzzer would ring for long periods of time. I assumed he wanted to give us a taste of what he felt. Pound pound pound. Buzz buzz buzz. For a man that claims to be old and frail he sure has a lot of energy to get up on a chair pound very hard then go to the hallway to buzz our door then rinse and repeat.

My roommate admitted to me later that there were two people at his party that were particularly loud. I just love though that the old man equates all noise in the apartment with me. I was out of town for 2 weeks, but he pounded on my ceiling with gumption like I had been personally peeing in his bed while I was on the other side of the country. I almost respect him. Too bad I'm gonna have to destroy him.

Random Celebrity Sightings / Thing only I would notice

2006-04-09T20:48:00.000-04:00

After driving back from Pittsburgh after doing a week of kick ass shows, I was walking down 5th Ave at about 4:30ish and saw who I believed to be Robin Givens. She was wearing a huge pair of sunglasses and i thought to myself "Damn! That black eye hasn't healed yet?"

The next day I flew to Vermont to do a show at Middlebury college with the hilarious Brad Lowery and Sherrod Small. On the way back to NYC the next day we see waiting to get on the smae JetBlue flight Mr. Luis Guzman of Boogie Nights fame. We said hello. I bet he was hoping not to get recognized.

Here are two things I recently noticed about...uh...things.
In the movie the Blues Brothers, the Bros go to a church where the preacher is none other than James Brown. There is a girl in the choir of that scene they keep cutting to, but she's barely recognizable until i realized it was Chaka Khan.

I saw the video for the song "Word Up" by Cameo. First off...strange. Strange. Strange. However, I wanted to let you know that the premise of it is cops breaking into a club to stop the youthful party goings on there which is of course a major theme of the 80s. And who, you ask, plays the detective that leads the police into their Orwellian roles? Why, LeVar Burton, of course. All you sucka DJs...

Once at an audition I ran into a man named Taimak. This man played a role in a movie that shaped my childhood. Only, THE LAST DRAGON!!! BRUCE MOTHERFUCKING LEROY!!! YOU DON'T KNOW, BITCH!! THAT WAS BRUCE LEROY!!! I freaked out a little. Recently, I purchased the DVD of said film (not movie, film) and you know what young actor had a bit part in the film? Huh? Wanna know? Seriously, do you? What? Ok, I'll tell you. William H. Macy.

Sometimes I have to say these pieces of random knowledge to free up space for more important things.

Why Hello

2006-04-09T16:33:00.000-04:00

I'm back in NYC from LA and it feels good. I've got a lot to write about. Here are some of the upcoming witticisms...

Observations of LA

Random Celebrity Sightings (before I left)

Things Only I Would Notice

Happy Gilmore Supporting Cast Member

The Old Man Saga Continues...

and

The Death Defying Career Ruining LAX Airport Experience.

Of course these are more for me to remember what the hell I wanted to write about. So fret no more 5 people that read this, I have my computer again so partytime!!

Pittsburgh, PA!!!!

2006-03-28T15:06:00.000-05:00

Greetings from Pittsburgh!! That's right I'm in a new place I've never been hanging out with some friends doing some comedy shows. I'm here with buds Josh Grosvent and Victor Varnado. For a while I had been talking to friend Gab Bonesso about possibly coming to Pittsburgh to do some shows in the Underground scene here. I thought to myself better sooner than later. I'm considering this to be a test run to an actual possible tour to various underground rooms in certain places. Sound vague? Its supposed to.

Last night was our first show and without hyperbole it was awesome. The crowd was very receptive and attentive. Pittsburgh, I salute you. Don't let me down tonight.

Moment of Clarity #27

2006-03-26T16:05:00.000-05:00

I'm really really good at being modest. I'm the best humble person ever.

He's a Grabber!!

2006-03-23T20:25:00.000-05:00

There are certain types of people who when they talk to you they feel they need to touch you. Some are non threatening touches, some are. I myself am a toucher. I touch a shoulder or a back. I rub backs some time. Some don't mind, some are uncomfortable by this. When they are, I mentally note it and never do it again. Then I feel like an asshole even though I didn't do anything wrong (Not my fault your father touched you like that and you revert to a frightened child everytime anyone else does - but I understand where you're coming from).

You may have been following the ongoing saga that is my relationship with the old man downstairs. He is a grabber. An arm grabber. He has grabbed my forearm a few times while talking to me. But he's not really talking TO me, more talking AT me in broken English as he says those 3 magic words that set my heart a flutter..."Too much noise."

Really? Me? OH, Mr DeVereau you are a cad.

"Too much noise."

Well I just can't believe you, I've been hurt too many times in the past, I don't know if I can trust you.

"Too Much Noise."

WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME? GET SOME EARPLUGS!

No, he can't get earplugs. How else would he be able to hear his heart stop beating? (That's mean, Baron). Well, sorry.

The other day I ran into him in the hallway entrance of my building. He saw me coming and said his catchphrase (The audience was rolling) and I just repeated it at him like I didn't understnad what he said and walked up the stairs to my place. I looked back and he was at the bottom of the stairs and I think he said something along the lines of "I see you. I will pray for you!" WHAT? What are you talking about? I don't think the almighty cares if I knock something over every now and then. Maybe he's making it happen to get rid of you. (That's mean, Baron) Well, SORRY.

15 minutes later I see him on the street and he yells something at me like "Be nice." I said, "What? I'm nice," and I saluted him with a bow of the head and walked away.

Then he said "Okay." But not nice Okay. There was an accent on the KAY. As if to see "fuck YOU." Well, fuck you, man!

Its not good to want to learn about another culture just so you can cuss someone out in their native tongue.

I'm one ghetto mofo!!

2006-03-21T18:16:00.000-05:00

Ssssh. Topsy-Turvy is on. I love Mike Leigh.

Old Lady Logic - a solution

2006-03-19T12:15:00.000-05:00

Psychology teaches us that the older we get, the more black and white our thinking becomes. Some things just "don't make sense" anymore. That's why the older people get the more you hear the rhetorical question "why would someone do that?" (and variations) as the grounds for a convincing counter argument against unruly behavior. That's apparently all the evidence you need - not knowing why someone would do that. Even though these are same people that made it so there are 3 Law and Order's and spend the episodes guessing at the motives for the crime, those skills of deduction don't translate to the real world.

There is a restaurant near me, or I should say was a restuarant. It closed. The signs had been taken down, the floor inside ripped out, the chairs, tables, lights all gone. It was a ghost restaurant. One day as some contractors were taking the last semblances of this being a restaurant away I heard an old lady say to the man taking away the neon sign, "Is that restaurant closed?" He paused. "Uh...yes. Yes it is."

So nice that guy. I wouldn't have been nice...
"Uh...no its not closed. Its still open. We've just taken everything away because the owner is going for a really new look. He's going for a new age sort of meta postmodern feel. That's why all the furniture is gone, the staff is gone, the kitchen is gone, and any sort of food is gone. That's why the owner is at home right now crying and pulling his hair trying to figure out how he's gonna pay for his son's freshman year of college and his wife's coke habit at the same time. That's why he's clutching a gun to his temple right now. Its all to bring you a unique dining experience."

I'm gonna start a boot camp for the elderly. Forget putting them in a home. Get them in shape. I'm gonna have a drill sargeant taking old men and women through obstacle courses. There will be running, swimming, shooting a gun, bow and arrow, kung fu, karate, judo, toning and conditioning. Once their bodies are sharp. I will be them through a 6 week course in computer technology. It will start with working an ATM, then to programming a VCR (I think my grandma is the only one in the US who knows how to do this), then cell phones, and on up to Windows, Linux, and programming with HTML and Flash. So now their minds and bodies will be lean mean fighting machines. No longer will you have to wait 15 minutes at an ATM behind someone who just wants to know what time it is. No longer will you be caught behind a slow moving body walking down a street or a stairway. Those days will be done. The elderly will not be sitting at home wondering who did it while watching Law and Order, Murder She Wrote, Matlock, Jake and the Fatman, or the Father Dowling Mysteries. They will be out and about SOLVING REAL CRIMES. Watch out America. Watch out for the GRANDMARMY.

Haha!!

2006-03-17T14:19:00.000-05:00

There is a deli in the West 50s I saw the other day that looked like a joke from a satirical sketch. It was called the "United We Stand Deli." It had red and white strips every that led to pockets of blue with stars in it. I saw it and immediately thought it was overdone. I went in and discovered it was owned and operated by a bunch of Arabic men. They should have just hung up a sign outside that said NO TERRORISTS IN HERE, NO SERIOUSLY, WE'RE NOT TERRORISTS.

It reminded me of a thing a lot of people do, especially black people. Certain people when they are around police just start to feel guilty. You didn't do anything bad, but you start to feel guilty. Maybe there's a little sweat. Maybe a bit of a jitter. You start to feel like maybe they saw that thing you did in 8th grade you never told anyone about. Wait a minute, that wasn't illegal - just gross. You have nothing to hide! Fuck those guys!! PIGS!! Then you realize that your internal dialogue is making you look really suspicious. So you try to not look suspicious which makes you look even more so. The act of trying to not look suspicious makes you look like you just killed someone. Now you're overdoing it. Talking to the cops, trying to make conversation and be really comfortable. Looking uncomfortable though is what you should look like. There's a movie line, I think its Mamet "You know who doesn't look uncomfortable around the cops? Theives."

I ran into Tom Shillue in the street and told him abobut the deli. He told me the story of what had happened. How it used to be the United Deli. How on 9/12 the guy squeezed the word States in the small space between United and Deli. How he put of patriotic symbols up everywhere. How the place got redone and ws born anew the United We Stand Deli.

"Wow," I thought, "Who'da thunk someone would such an identity crisis could make such a damn good ham, egg and chesse." Then I remembered how good my ham, egg and cheese's are.

Posty Mc Post: "Why I'm still exhausted"

2006-03-16T02:20:00.000-05:00

My friend Josh Reynolds asked me to do the innagural episode of his new Podcast "Laugh Riot." Check it out here.

So Aspen is done and technically i'm still $50 away from being homeless (That's not true, the homeless are no laughing matter unless you saw one pee himself).

Soooo the trip back to NYC Yes. Let's talk about it shall we? BULLSHIT!! UTTER BULLSHIT!! I was to leave Aspen to Denver at 2:23 Sunday afternoon. The sky was clear the day was beautiful. Fellow comedian Lenny Marcus was to be on the same flight. Good, I thought, someone to travel with that I like. We get to the airport: fiasco. We see hordes of other people from the festival waiting for planes that had not yet come.

We do not get on a plane until 3 hours later. And we sit there because now its snowing and the pilot can't see far enough. We missed all the good weather and now we're sitting in the plane cuz there is not enough visibility. The snow clears up. We take off arriving at the Denver airport 30 minutes after the connecting flight back to New York. Lenny Marcus, Bob Powers and I deboard the plane with false hopes thinking they may have held the flight. No way. No hope. The plane that left Apsen right after ours arrived. It carried Russ Meneve, Chelsea Peretti, the Walsh Brothers, Sherry and Jacob Sirof and their baby Winter. They met the same fate.

We were given tickets and told the next flight wasn't until 7:30am the next morning. It was 7:30pm. Oh what a glorious 12 hours awaited us all.

After all agreeing that going to a hotel would be too much of a hassle we got something to eat. I got myself a personal pan pizza at a little place there in the Denver airport called "Wolfgang Puck." Just the name of the chef. Not a restuarant title there at the Denver airport. Then all of us sat and talked there at the Denver airport. I'll tell you something those Walsh Brothers can sure tell a story there at the Denver airport. Did I mention we were in the Denver airport? Chris and David Walsh told us the story of one of the first times Chris did stand up as part of a contest where he did 5 minutes to open for Bill Bellamy with feature act Michael Winslow (yes, Motormouth Jones from Police Academy). Needless to say it was torture. The crowd booed him from the moment he got on stage as a means to teach him a lesson.

We made our way over to the gate where we thought our plane would arrive. We sat. Talked. Laughed. Sat. Talked. Silence. Laughed. Talked. Shared. Silence. Chelsea asked me if I wanted to take a walk. We walked aroud the terminal with her fancy camera that also records video and we made a few silly clip which you can see here...eventually. We made these videos of us just appearing in places which were funny to us, but I'm not sure how much of that was caused by the delirium tremens we were experiencing. Is it normal laugh heartily while foaming at the mouth then bite the head off a baby Gecko? Shoulda got insurance by Geico fo yo baby!

We made it back to the gate cuz i realized the Walsh's were leaving soon and I wanted to say good-bye. We missed them. Then we sat. Talked. Laughed and eventually fell asleep.

The night was actually fun. It was pretty cool hanging out with funny people and seeing them close to a breaking point. So yeah, I was in the Denver airport for 12 hours (did I mention that), but it was actually...um...er...fun. Yeah. Sleep now

General Experience

2006-03-11T16:47:00.000-05:00

I have been having a great time out here in Aspen. Its been fun and difficult at the same time. For instance, the audience here is hard to read. I said a few times to a few different people that one of the biggest parts of stand up is knowing how to read your audience. "Know your audience" the adage goes. Its knowing that what plays in New York, isn't gonna play in Kentucky. Doing 20 minutes about the subway might just get you lynched (although it would take less than that for me I've heard).

BUT, the thing about the Aspen audience is that they are from all over the country. That makes them difficult to figure out in 7 minutes. Of course, having solid inpenetrable material would help, too bad for me.

I think that's just part of performing here. I've notcied that the gap between how I felt about a set and the feedback I get from random audience members is wide. I haven't really felt great about every set, but people have complimented me on the street. People I don't know that don't owe me anything have complimented me. Those are the people I care about the most. Strangers who like to laugh. It good to hear I made them laugh a little. Helps me sleep at night. That, and the horse tranquilizers.

Oh Snap!!!

2006-03-09T19:56:00.000-05:00

If i don't ski, I will never stop hearing about it when I return to NYC. I will have to drop the race card.

THEM: Did you...?

ME: NO!! Black people don't ski!!! We don't like sports in which we are surrounded by nothing but white!!! And snow too.

N'Yes Indeed (Also here)

2006-03-08T20:27:00.000-05:00

The above title is to be said in the voice of an effeminate victorian-era butler who was just asked if the sugar was correctly placed into the tea. He said "N'Yes indeed!" sort of overdoing his happiness. Then he turned and walked away from the Contessa muttering the words "Bitch."

Aaaaaand scene. Last night was my first show. I was pumped. I spent some time hanging out with a former flame/good friend of mine (haven't met her husband yet, can't wait to) at a festival kick off party. Then I walked over to the show. I was first on the Showcase 2 preview.

For the last few months, I've been having an interesting nervousness before performing. It starts with feeling no pressure, no fear, but the moment before I walk onstage I get electric butterflies being chased by a Sasquatch on a Vespa in my stomach.

All was good though because all the other comics were supportive (not to mention hilarious). When DeRay...er...um...MeHay was warming up the crowd I was behind the curtain going over my set list in my head. I don't know why. This is material I know backward and forward. I went out and the crowd couldn't have been better. Very receptive. I'm not sure if I killed, but I felt good about my set. I was just happy I didn't vomit or feel sick (this morning fellow comic Neronica Tosey said she had a bad case of altitude sickness and felt nauseous). I'm just happy people listened. I'm just happy I didn't have to do my backup material which consists of weeping, wiping my nose, talking incoherently, and eventually peeing my pants while running offstage. THAT would have been awkward!!
(cracks knuckles)

Whew!
(wipes sweat from brow. Baron then looks at the screen to survey his work. Accepting that its not gonna get any better, he clears his throats and clicks "send." He then gets up from the computer and turns around to see himself in the mirror. He realizes has urinated on himself. He gives himself a knowing smile, shrugs, and walks out of the room.)

FIN

Live from Aspen!!

2006-03-07T17:16:00.000-05:00

(This blog will also appear on the HBO Comedy Festival website.)

Yo Yo Yo it's Aspen!
The air is thin and I be graspin'
For a breath, yes I be claspin'
Up on my neck becuz its Aspen

People laughin' toe tappin
They know what's happenin' they clappin'
cuz i funny like Chaplin

Hello! Today I arrived in Aspen, CO for the Festival and it has been an eventful morning. First off, I woke up at 6am for a flight at 8:05. I don't like waking up early. I hate it more than anything else. Racism is second. So I hate waking up more than I hate hatred. If i had a racist boss that would point at my face and cal me the N Word daily, I'd be like "as long as you're cool with me coming in at 1pm everyday, I don't care what you call me."

So i do a quick guy-pack meaning I have a white T for everyday, 3 pairs of pants, underwear for everyday, and 3 pairs of socks. That's all I need. Anything else would be cumbersome. Besides, I was able to fit it all in a carry-on bag which made it possible for me to be at the gate about 5 minutes after i got to the airport.

I was roaming around, hoping I'd see some famliar faces then lo and behold I run into the other two comics on my flight. Let's just say ther names rhyme with Benny Carcass and Gus Masleeve. We get on the flight and sit while the flight attendant went over the announcements. Actually, no she didn't. She annouced that we should watch the video which would explain everything. Apparently the staff at an airline that rhymes with New Fighted are too good to show me how my seat belt works. I wondered to myself what happened to the young, cool, attractive attendants of the 70s and 80s? Then I realized, they are still there. They're just in their 40s now.

The best part of her speech, however, was a flashback to the 3rd grade when she noticed that Gus Masleeve and Benny Carcass were talking to each other. She looked right at Benny and sternly said, "We ask that you please cease your conversation and pay attention." Benny buried his face in his hands in shame.

Aaaaaaaand we're off! In the air! Butterfly in the sky....I can fly twice as high...just take a look, its in a book...Comedy Festival. All was pleasant and the day was grand. Benny turned to me and said "It doesn't make me feel good that if this plane goes down in the next 5 minutes, the last person I'm gonna see is you." Yeah, we have a special bond. I was looking forward to having an empty seat next to me (I was in the aisle, empty seat, girl at window), but before we took off, the girl in my row called her friend who was at the back of the plane. Her friend moved up. She was a little something that rhymes with "stover date." Not really big, but big enough that I had almost no arm and leg room. Benny later said to me, "Here's a line you can use: I don't know what was worse, the movie, or the ass of the lady next to me."

The movie he referred to rhymes with "The Manly Home." It starred Marah Skessica Larker, Duke Bilson, Turmot Fullmooney, and Hiane Geaton. Or their names rhymed with those. I think you get it. Um...it was depressing. Heartfelt, but a bummer.

We get to Denver to transfer to our flight to Aspen and there at the gate was a woman holding a sign with our names on it. She put us on a trolley that took us to the gate for the Aspen flight. Benny said, "This shows how stupid the industry thinks comics are, like we won't be able to find the gate." I said to Benny, "I think common sense tells us that a comic's sense of geography is contigent on how many dick jokes they have." I'm sure everyone in the airport watching us get a ride thought we were really special guys. I mean special like challenged special.

We wait for a while to get on the smallest plane I've ever been on. It was 9 rows!!
Like this...
row 9 - A B E D C
row 8 - A B _ D C
row 7 - A B _ D C
row 6 - A B _ D C
I was sitting in 9E!! I was all the way in the back in teh middle sitting next to fellow comedian Manny Devins (sounds like - ok! I know you got it! Stop yelling!). I was frightened. I have never paid more attention to the safety announcements in my life. I actually raised my hand and asked questions. The plane had propellors and everyone I talked to who had been to Aspen before told me about two mountains we had to fly through like we'd been punted by Vinateri up into goalposts. Never saw those posts. In fact, we we landed, I found it to be much much warmer than I expected. I was told it would be freezing. Everyone I told about Aspen would tell me something awesome about it followed by something to be physically afraid of..."Oh Man its so beautiful there - DRINK WATER!! YOU WILL DEHYDRATE AND YOUR EYES WILL EXPLODE!!! You should go ski or snowboard - WATCH FOR ROCKS AND MOUNTAIN LIONS!! THERE IS A HORRIBLE MOUNTAIN LION PROBLEM NO ONE EVER TALKS ABOUT!!!"

Now i'm here. Now it feels real. I perform tonight. Pray for me not to suck. Seriously. No, seriously, pray for my nonsuckiness.

Another way they get you...

2006-02-27T13:23:00.000-05:00

The clothes the clothes the clothes.
Oh the clothes. Time to get dramatic.

We've all heard the term "Corporate Dress." We all need to look "professional" so that the "environment" is "conducive" to "work." Appearances are everything.

There's no other way of dressing that makes people look more like soulless shiftless drones (except maybe bee costumes- a whole office of people in bee costumes). The dull tones and sleek lines may sometimes by aesthetically pleasing, but the purpose is sinister. You look a little like a robot and act a little like a machine which is tragic since most people work long hours and spend so much time in those clothes. They spend the majority of their day in the fashion of a drone. That's why it feels so good to take those clothes off. The wind down is very neccesary. You get to shake of that office jargon and constant attention to appearance and political correctness (which breeds passive aggresion) and put on whatever makes you feel like you and lounge around. To some people, it is an event. The shoes finally come off (tight dress shoe or heels), the tie comes undone (the little noose around your neck there as a reminder that at any moment the stool underneath you can be kicked away and you will die), maybe some music goes on, maybe the TV, maybe some ice cream...you get to decide and that's the whole point you're finally or your time, but it pales in comparison to how much you're on their time.

Some people don't wind down. They have to take work home or they're always connected thanks to the various blackberries, treos, sidekicks and other knick knacks that make you constantly connected. You're always reachable therefore you're always still working. We've happily made our time into an extension of their time. Hey, we think its more convenient! That's how they get you. We shouldn't always be connected cuz then we make our own time expendable. Sleep especially. Some people treat sleep like its a timewasting nuisance. Um, its SLEEP!! But no, its ok. Just drink more coffee that'll get you to 5 o clock.

We all know a person that works very hard and is very tightly wound. When that person parties or goes out, its usually a MESS. They try to cram an entire weeks worth nay an entire months worth of partying into one night and most of their friends end up having to take care of them for the rest of the night. Nice.

Corporate dress is the modern day equivalent to the brand. You can't brand your slaves...I mean employees anymore, but you can make them all look the same. That means they are owned.

St Peter don't ya call me cuz i can't go/ i owe my soul to the company store.

Ah, nothing better than a messy essay. Can you tell I refused to write papers in high school and college?

Ways they get you...

2006-02-23T12:54:00.000-05:00

I didn't write for a while because I liked that last post so much I had to let it sit.

Very few offices have restrooms that are easily accesible. I don't know how many offices I've been to were I'm told "Oh yeah, go down this hall then take a left then another left then another left. Then you'll see a portal. Jump into it. You'll feel a slight popping sensation in your ears which is your body moving through the wormhole. Then you'll see a giant mushroom field with a catepillar sitting on one smoking dope. He'll ask you who you are, but just say you're there to use the bathroom."

Alright, that's an exaggeration, but you know what I mean. Very rarey do you ever hear "Right outside." Next time you get directions to the potty notice the sense of self the person telling you feels. You might feel a bit of vertigo while listening to them rattle off the various turns and landmarks you may have to pass. It makes you go "Huh? What? I'm so confused...walls spinning...lights flashing...indentity slipping away..." Next thing you know you work there. You've somehow been hornswaggled into working there for longer than you want for less than you're worth.

The moment you know where the restroom is without having to think about it brings a sense of belonging. That's how they get you. You tell someone else where the restroom is and all of a sudden you're rattling off the things you once didn't understand. They come out of you effortlessly and it feels like you're outside of yourself watching yourself tell some ignorant visitor about the portal and the ear popping. Then you feel like you belong and you stay there for 10 years. That's one of the ways the get you.

Subway of the World

2006-02-20T14:03:00.000-05:00

Anyone that's ever been to New York knows that there is a homeless problem. One of the most common places to see the homeless is on the subway. Once New Yorkers hear the phrase "scuse me ladies and gentlemen..." said in raspy drawn out manner, we know a show is about to start.

Cuz really, the homeless are as experienced as the many stars of Broadway. They have their exits and their entrances, and one man in his time plays many parts. Since they are essentially performers, I get a little Simon Cowell if I feel like a homeless beggar isn't reaching their full potential. "That was the worst peformance I've ever seen. You expect me to feel sorry for you? The only thing I feel sorry about is the fact I will never get back the time you've just wasted." And Paula is like "Simon, he's homeless. Have some compassion!"

There's this one guy I used to see on the 6 train who came into the car with NO LEGS and said nothing. He let the legs to the talking. I stood up and applauded, "Wow! Now that is the devotion needed to become the Homeless Idol! I stand because you can not!! Congratulations! You are going to Hollywood! And by Hollywood I mean you are going to eat today!"

Every now and then (and this is one of my favorite things to see) two beggars will enter from opposite ends of a subway car and suddenly come face to face. Something interesting always happens. One time I saw two homeless men start foaming at the mouth and growling at each other. Then they touched hands and began to melt into each other. They tried to pull away, but it was too late they were becoming one. Bigger, badder, and even smellier. There was a flash of lightning and out of nowhere I heard a voice say "SUPER BEGGARTRON!" They had transformed!! And it was perfect cuz right at that moment a guy came onto the subway car with a gun and was like "This is a stick up!! Give me all your money!!" Super Beggartron turned around and said "Laser Stream of Pee!" and a green urination shot forth and cut the bandit in half and his body evaporated! Then Super Beggartron flew up and out of the train like a ghost. And the New Yorkiest thing of all is that NO ONE ever looked up from their newpapers or acknowledged that something happened outside of their iPods!! Well, I saw you Super Beggartron and on behalf of the people on the W train that day...thanks.

Moments of Clarity #25 and #26 with Afterthoughts

2006-02-18T02:44:00.000-05:00

#25
If you ever see a fly on a plane, train or bus, just realize they might be travelling too. Maybe they don't mean to bug you (damn I'm good), they're just anxious to get to Cancun.

Afterthought
Why do we say to people going on a plane ride "Have a good flight." They don't have any control over what happens on that plane. Just say what you mean. Say "Don't die." That has nothing to do with the plane. If it goes down, kick, scratch, swim, just don't die. Find your way to a deserted island and put to use all the lessons you got from the movie Castaway.

#26
I wonder how many people who were staff researchers lost their jobs due to google.

Afterthought
You ever have the occurence where it seems you see the same random actor a a lot on tv in different ways or you hear the same random song so many times in a short amount of time you think "Is it their birthday? Did they just die?" I've heard the song "Wishing Well" by Terence Trent D'arby too many times in the last 2 days for it to be a coincidence. Google told me his birthday isn't until March 15th. What's the deal???

POOP!

2006-02-16T14:00:00.000-05:00

I'm starting to think that "Too much noise" is the just the old man downstairs's way of saying Hello and Goodbye

HIM: Too much noise.

ME: Too much noise to you too, sir. Its a beatiful day isn't it.

HIM: Indeed it is. Well I'll talk to you later. Too much noise.

ME: Too much noise.

Oh if only it were like that. The other say I said to him. "More Noise? No Problem." Here's the rub. Sarcasm only works if you speak the same language as the person you are sarcazing. I wouldn't understand sarcasm in French nor would a Frenchman understand sarcasm in Chinese nor would a Chinaman understand sarcasm in Portuguese nor would a Portugalman understand sarcasm in English.

"You must speak the same speak" is actually the first principle of the philosophy of Sarcasm as established by the great Greek thinker Sarcasmocles who was known for sitting in groups with Aristotle going "Oh, that is sooooo smart. You really are soooo wise" after everything he said. As we all know, Sarcasmocles was the disciple of Insecureassholenes the other student of Socrates who traveled the countryside with Plato saying to him "You know what? Fuck you!! You think you're better than me? I hate you!!"

Of course the debate still rages today over whether Passive Aggressive or Aggressive Aggressive is the best way to be a dick. Guess Old Man MeanyHead will be my subject.

Subtext Reparations (inkling of a new joke)

2006-02-13T11:12:00.000-05:00

Some people say "oh you Negroes! Constantly harping on the fact that your people started out in this country as slaves and then were freed but were still unequal and how because of that today there's a huge psychological scar that effects how you are a black man or woman in America! Get over it!" Those people I usually call Boss because they're usually in positions of power.

I've devised a way to counteract the fact that reparations will never happen. I call it subtextual reparations. Every 40th white person I meet (40 for 40 acres and a mule) I go out of my way to make their lives around me a living hell. Anytime they're around me its like they're in the movie Grounhog Day always repeating their worst 3rd grade experience (depantsing every day followed by self urination). Here's the extra kick, I'm ridiculously nice to everyone else around them. The closer a friend of theirs is to them, the nicer I am to that friend. That way they never have anyone to turn to.

THE MARK: Man, that Baron is a BITCH!! He is such an asshole, right guys?

FRIEND #1: Uh, actually I think he's great. He helped me out with my July rent.

FRIEND #2: Yeah, he sang at my Mom's funeral the most beautiful acoustic version of "More than a Feeling" that I've ever heard.

FRIEND #3: He gave me some bone marrow.

HAHA, NO ONE TO TURN TO!! And when they are frustrated, all alone, ripping out their hair confused as to why I treat that way, I will smile and speak softly to myself the word "Reparations."

an inside joke only i would catch

2006-02-13T11:07:00.000-05:00

Watched a brief scene from the movie Runaway Jury in which a character played by SNL's Nora Dunn gets expelled from the jury. She is replaced by a young goth looking girl by the name of Lydia Deets. That is the name and costume of the character played by Winona Ryder in a little movie called "Beetlejuice"

Sikh and ye shall find / Phlatulence

2006-02-12T11:15:00.000-05:00

I love my puns.

Its snowing in New York. Finally. I was getting nervous there.

I was in a cab the other night on my way back to queens. It was friday night so of course the cabs were out in full force looking like a flock of misshapen yellow birds. Its black history month or as I like to call it "the month I can get a cab" -out of respect for my peoples struggle (even though 3 cabs looked at me and kept going before I got into this one). Anyhoo, I was in this cab headed home when I see a cab next to us with PHAT rims. Rims? Rims!! Ahem, why does a cab have really nice rims? I kept trying to look at them through the mild frost of the window. My driver seemed a little concerned about what I was trying to look at (does he have some maps and schematics he didn't want me to see? If you laughed at that it means you assumed he was Arabic you racist! Some terrorists are Greek you racist you.) I badly wanted to know what kind of cab driver would put rims on their cab and finally we pulled up right next to him and it was a Sikh complete was turban and beard. AND he had a gold chain around his neck. Yes a GOLD CHAIN. Holy shit.

Second verse same as the first.

I was at Best Buy the other day buying some very neccesary equipment for world domination...uh...I mean my computer and for some reason I was having Phlatulence. Phlatulence is Phat Flatulence: gas that's hilarious. You're not embarrased. Its just funny. My theory about my gas is that it might have to do with me mouthwashing with saltwater lately. Maybe the small amount i've been swallowing has given me the poot poots (I'm a kindergarten teacher). Anybay, I was looking at some plutonium...uh...disks and I let one go. There are the farts that you feel coming: the knock at the door farts. "Hello? Somebody there?" And then there are the ones who sneak up on you likea burglar. You don't realize their presence until they are suffocating you in your sleep (that's a drak comparison). This was a burglar. Before I knew it, I had let go a nasty full bodied aroma that is the closest a person could come to knowing the smell of a zombie. And I do mean "let go" like loosing control of the reigns of the Pharty Phoenix. The moment I walked away from the crime scene an unlucky Best Buy employee walked into this fog and exclaimed the very apt "DAMN!" In the black people way "DAYYYAMN!" I laughed. There was nothing else I could do. I tunred the corner and looked back in time to see the man eyes explode. My bad.

Brilliance

2006-02-10T13:57:00.000-05:00

One day I'll be a great comedian. I'm a good comedian right now. This is a quote from someone that is great.

"Just once I'd like to see a movie that gets relationships. I rented that movie Monster's Ball the other day and it was supposed to show you that love can triumph over racism which is a great message, but the casting was ridiculous. You got Billy Bob Thornton playing a racist corrections officer who somehow manages to overcome his racism enough to have sex with Halle Berry. Wow! Good to see people rise above the hate like that, huh? Its HALLE BERRY. I'm pretty sure even the Grand Wizard of the KKK could've walked across that bridge. If they wanted to make a big statement, it shoud've been Brad Pitt and Whoopi Goldberg."

- Greg Giraldo

Suger Plums Dancing in my Head

2006-02-08T13:25:00.000-05:00

Everybody has had a dream about their profession. I wouldn't even say that, just whatever job they have (not necessarily a profession). I've dreamt about the office when I worked at one. I dreamt about CompUSA when I worked there; dreams about 3 headed customers coming in asking for things that don't exist then breathing fire and asking for a manager when I could not assist them (not far from the truth).

Many comics will attest to the fact the we not only dream about performing, but we dream jokes. I had this one dream where I was doing stand up at the church I grew up going to and there were some unruly audience members. I decided to "handle" them at the top of my set and the whole audience walked out on me except one middle aged blonde woman who put her back to me.

The other night I dreamt a joke I thought I might actually be able to use. Its a different sort than I usually dream which are absurd non sequitors (once I dreamt jokes about being a goat farmer that consisted of inside jokes about goat behavior)

Here's a joke I dreamt the other night....

I...uh...I was talking to a friend the other day trying to make some plans and I asked what he was doing that night and he said "oh you know, i'm probably gonna stay in, smoke a joint, read a book." And that made my head almost explode. Smoke a joint and THEN read a book? Are you sure thats the right order to do that? I'm sorry, I never saw the research papers about weed being a education enhancer...oh wait, THEY DON'T EXIST. I can't imagine that situation. Sitting down with a bong and a book. Smoking up and then ripping into Dostoevsky. "Wow, I think I finally understand what he trying to say here. He saying...wait...I'm losing me high (smoke smoke) ah yes I see it again." That's not what happens! You'd be sitting there scared the Brother's Karamazov are gonna jump out of the book, put you in a sleeper hold, and eat the rest of your Doritos. That, my friends, is tragedy.

SPIDER ON MY BED

2006-02-07T01:09:00.000-05:00

Spider on my bed!
Spider on my bed!
Good God Almighty there's spider on my bed!