Christmas Eve Eve/ Someone to Watch

I got a phone call about 11:30 on friday night.
"Baron?"
"Hey!"
"I'm in Vegas."

For those of you who do not know, Las Vegas is my hometown and I'm here for the holidays. I was chillin out maxin, relaxin all cool and all shooting some b-ball outside of the school when I got this call. A friend of mine, the lovely and talented Tracie Thoms was on her way back to Baltimore from LA with a connecting flight through Vegas. Her flight was 45 minutes late getting to Vegas thus she missed her connecting flight home. The next flight wasn't until 4:30 the next afternoon.

I stayed on the phone with Tracie while she narrated her journey on the shuttle from the airport to her "hotel." The Super 8 Motel. Now when you're in Vegas and you hear the word hotel, you might get a little excited. This was - how do you say - a kick to the balls. Yeah that seems to capture it. Needless to say, tracie was taken aback by how "real" everything was. Oh Indeed. That was the word she kept using "real."

She went into the casino next door to the Super 8, Ellis Island, which is a small place right behind the strip. Behind the Bally's And Caesar's Palace. Its a part of Vegas that lives in the shadows of what you see on TV and in the movies. For a reason. Tracie narrated her journey into Ellis Island continuously reiterating how "real" everything was. There were a lot of bikers in the bar singing karaoke. By the way, when I say bikers, the stereotypical image you had in your head? Worse than that. Tracie decided not to stay and sing her showstopping rendition of "Free Bird."

Tracie found something in her room that was very telling. They gave her a care package of pills that prevent hangovers called Chasers, eye drops to prevent red and skin conditioner. Not Soap. Skin Conditioner. Apparently it's a post shower cream to put on your skin. Yeah, it was confusing to me too. Its somewhere between soap and lotion. With those items the hotel is assuming a lot about why you're there.

"Hey come on in! So we got you some things for the reason you're probably here. That's right!! we got you Chasers to cure the hangover you'll get from your current drunken daze, drops for those weed soaked 4am eyes, and skin conditioner so your wife won't be able to detect the smell of that street skank whose bottom lip you're chewing on. Leave a tip!!"

Tracie is on the rise. She's a dynamic performer that you may have seen on TV in "Cold Case," and the hilarious but short lived "Wonderfalls." She's currently working on Quentin Tarantino's new movie, was in "The Devil Wears Prada," and played Joanne in the movie version of Rent. She's a focused individual on and off stage and can only be described as a force. I mean the woman went to Howard and Juilliard so she got the chops. Razor sharp.

So you 6 people that read this. Go and support Tracie.

Oh yeah...Check out this video. It's like a messed up Rat Pack. Its the brainchild of Trevor Moore from the Whitest Kids You Know.

Played by a Drumstick

OK OK OK. This is my favorite new commercial. Really people, watch commercials. You will learn so much about where our interests as a culture lie. Or at least you'll see what the "big wigs" think we care about which most of the time become true since we were told they were. (end diatribe). In a KFC commercial, a black family (you know they just looove their chicken) passes around a bucket at a dinner table. The youngest son sitting there overshadowed by his older brothers and parents watches them take out pieces of chicken and says to himself, "Don't take the drumstick." He says it again hoping that someone, anyone will leave him that most coveted part of the foul. Of course, he sees someone take out the 2nd drumstick and deflates with defeat. The bucket gets to him moments later and his mother pulls out (wait for it) a DRUMSTICK! She places it on the boy's plate and he exclaims with happiness "Another drumstick?!" He. Is. Dumbfounded. His mother smiles as if to say I got your back and says, "Special Bucket." Something like that. OH FRABJOUS DAY! CALLOO CALLAY! He chortled in his joy.

HA! My first thought was don't eat that! That came from a MUTANT chicken with 3 legs!! You were right! There should have only been 2 drumsticks, but no, that bucket is special. Knowing the practices of KFC, I'd be relieved if it was a 3 legged chicken. That would be the least altered thing they have on their farm/factory/slaughterhouse/laboratory. Most likely the leg came from a genetically altered chicken that was nothing but legs. Just a meaty legged deformity with limbs coming out all sides making it look like a feathered tetrahedron. No head. No wings. Just legs. Eyes embedded in one of the legs and a slit that works as a mouth. It makes only one sound and its not a cluck by any means. Just a shrill high pitched shriek. A sound akin to a bomb dropping in a cartoon, or a imprisoned banshee locked in a withered castle 2 miles north of Glasgow, or a shitty car with a shitty engine driving down a ghetto street at 3am making everyone sit right up in their bed thinking their time has come. When the noise of the "chicken" hits the ears of any other being it makes them think "My God! Hell is on earth and I am burning!"

After a week of rolling from limb to limb questioning its own existense after having realized that it looks nothing like any thing else around (they're all aberrations - veritable snowflakes of malformation), it sees something its never seen before. A man. Towering over the mutant in red boots and a red apron. Both of which did not come in the color of red. Oh no, they turned that color in time due to his line of work. And what's that in his hand? Its oh so shiny...and thin. CHOP. Suddenly the prism of drumsticks line up. After the leg that functioned as the head is separated and fed to the 5 winged chicken breast sloth which sweats sugar, the other pieces are shipped away to be served to the complacent public.

Its just a wild guess, but when the word Special is uttered, make sure to get a very clear definition.

and i'm back!!!

I'm at home in vegas right now for the holidays. Chillin out maxin relaxin all cool and all getting familiar with my new laptop that i'll never EVER lose. word

this is a section from a documntary a comedian i know named Steve Stover is making check it out

Well...

My laptop was stolen recently. On the road to getting a new one. Stay tuned.

Moment of Clarity #35

Its not that I like giving money to the homeless as much as it is that I like to see the guilt in the faces of the people that don't give.

Maybe...

if i went to bed sometimes before 2 in the morning, I wouldn't find the Sun such a God forsaken intrusion on my slumber. "Damn Helios!!! Tyra and I were naked in a pool of jello together! Now I'll never know the 3rd act of my dream!"

What I'm Watching Right Now...

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!!!!

Live Life like is was Life Like

I saw an ad for the new Bose headphones on the subway today pictured to the left. These fit comfortably in your ear and have "life like sound." How appropriate. If I was walking through a crowded street, I could put on these headphones, turn my iPod to the track "Street Sounds" and have real "life like" sounds around me. So much more "life like" then the sounds that are like life. THANK GOD I've got an effective way to drown out everything around me and really plunge deeper into the self isolation that New York makes you crave with "life like" sound. Taking in the streets and people around me is just WAY TOO MUCH for me and my hearing. I've already mastered physically and emotionally avoiding any sort of situation. Now my dulling of my senses is almost complete. If only there were sunglasses that showed "life like" high definition digital pictures on them while I walked down the street, then I could take in almost nothing. I wouldn't have to see, hear, touch or feel anything around me. OH sounds like a dream come true. Hooray!! Yippee! Huzzah!

Now if there was only something I could do about smells.

Maine and back

I'm in Maine. Maine. Orono, Maine.

Its nice up here. The air is clean. I live in New York so its very odd for me to be in a place where the air does not always smell faintly like pee or worse. Also it was interesting to see that from Portland up to here every public restroom is bigger and cleaner than any NYC apartment under $5000 a month. Back in New York on Sunday.

Come to this show on Tuesday if you dare...

"Shades of Black"
Tuesday Nov 14 @9:30pm
Mo Pitkins - 34 Ave A between 3rd/2nd St
Elon James White, Michelle Buteau, Larry Bailey and Baron Vaughn do long sets.
Word.

I Voted...

I did my little part to loosen that diabolic stranglehold that conservatives so obviously have over New York. Now I wait and watch and the Senate results come in.

Moment of Clarity #34

Movies like the Ring and the Grudge have made me racist. I am now specifically afraid of small Japanese children.

a scene based on a sentence i overheard

WOMAN
you have my phone?

MAN
yeah. here.

WOMAN
why do you have my phone?

MAN
you gave it to me.

WOMAN
no i know i did. i was asking myself. can't remember why i gave it to you.

MAN
oh ok. you didn't tell me.

WOMAN
no i know. i said i was asking myself.

MAN
ok. so that was embarassing.

WOMAN
it was?

MAN
uh yes, kate. I proposed to you and you got up a walked out to have a cigarette. that's embarrasing. i'm embarassed.

WOMAN
sorry.

MAN
so i guess i jumped the gun or something, right?

WOMAN
no no no. i just...i don't know, i'm feeling a lot of pressure. everyone i know is getting married and my mom was asking me about you in that way last night.

MAN
in "that way"? what? you can't even say it?

WOMAN
yeah you know what i mean

MAN
i know i love you. haha. yes that came out in a cilche' moment, but fuck. i'm sure everyone is in there wondering what the hell is going on. we're out here on the street. its 3 am and i'm now uncertain on the future of this relationship.

WOMAN
look. i just need to think ok.

MAN
no i don't think you do. you're going to overthink it until you have no more feelings for me. just...whatever. i'm going back inside. you coming?

WOMAN
no.

MAN.
huh. great. goodnight then.

WOMAN
hey...

MAN
no i don't want to hear it. goodnight.

This post was written at 3am

What a long winding journey i had to get home last night. After doing "Crash Test" I was suppoed to hang out at a bar with A. Ansari, N. Kroll, J. Mulaney, C. Peretti and J. Carlos. It was like one of my dreams when I was in 3rd grade: I turned around and everyone was gone. I had no clue where they went. I just knew the name of the bar: "Half King." My phone was dead, so I couldn't call anyone or receive info that was being transmitted to me. So I walked around just looking for the place before remembering a bar at which people from the UCB hang out. I thought "that must be the place" and headed over there to find out it was not the right place. It had a different name. I went in and asked for the phonebook. I found the address for "The Half King" and made my way over there. By the time I got there everyone was gone. Of course they're gone, I was 30 min late.

I walked down 23rd St. from 10th Ave to Broadway. Something is wrong with the train there so I walked down to Union Square and waited waited waited. I finally got on the train and for some reason the air conditioner was blasting cold air. Ridiculous. Its cold fall outside, but it was winter in that car. Eventually we slowly made our way through the system. A homeless man complete with a cart full of bags and a hunchback mades his way onto the car. Somehow I ended up being the person closest to him. This next sentence is not an exaggeration. He smelled so bad my balls began to hurt. That doesn't even make sense. I got a whiff of his odor and my balls began to ache. A pulsing ache that i'd never experienced. I wasn't sitting strangely nor did I have a pencil mistakenly jabbing into my scrotum. Just the odor of pee and failed aspirations. Maybe the smell was so bad that my sperm were trying to retreat from it. It was the sperm version of Chernobyl or Pompeii and they were all trying to escape, but, of course, there is no escaping my testes.

I think I might have a serious sleeping problem.

Randomness

There's something about seeing someone that's very "alternative" doing something normal. Its just such a blunt object taken to my sense of reality. It doesn't add up in the equation of my implicit association with them. Sure you've got red leather pants, a original Rush World Tour T-shirt, and a Mohawk, but you're on crutches. Sure you've got a eagle tattoo with the face of Lincoln across your chest, but you're taking out the trash. Sure you've got a tattoo of every Pink Floyd album cover all the way around your neck and a nose ring that has a chain attached to your nipples, but you're pushing a baby carriage. And your wife looks like a manager at an Arts and Crafts store in Duluth. Its just disorienting.

What was it like to dream before TV and Movies? The perspective of those mediums have become so ingrained in our heads people dream and imagine thing as if they were a movie. But before those mediums people had only first person perspective. Maybe also the occasional look in a mirror. The average dream now consists of a dozens images and ways of experiencing those images that you'd find in any movie. Its very common to dream that you're not inside your own body. And their are shots that are framed like movie scenes (at least in my dreams). I assume when there was less distraction, the average dream was "My my my I was standing on a hill looking into a river. It was the Most Chilling and Introspective dream I've ever had." Is there anyone out there that just dream simple things? I've been having a lot of dreams that are only about things that are happening. Dreaming about sleeping. Ugh. I must be very disturbed.

The Greatest Sales Pitch Ever

I'm tired of being nice to people. I want to start being a dick. Cuz then when people are shitty back to me they have a reason. Also there's too much responsibility in being nice. Once you've been nice to people they expect you to do shit. Like say hello, or come to their birthday parties, or buy them a meal when they're broke cuz you "don't want to see them starve." When you're an asshole and you don't go to someone's birthday party, no prob, you're just being consistent.

On my way to my show which used to be in the East Village, I witnessed the best sales pitch ever. I was being pitched. I was walking down East 13th St. while little kids played in the street with some sort of inflatable ball. I was texting or looking at the time or just not paying attention to my path. A kid yelled in the street so I turned to see the commotion. I realized again that there's no difference in the scream of "I'm having a great time" and "I've just had my leg run over and broken by a Dodge Ram" to a child. When I turned back around I was in front of a woman sitting at a table with a stern face. I looked to the side and the sign said Psychic. She pointed at me and with an intense calm said the words "You." That's it. "You." The first thought I had was "Oh man. She's know some shit!" I almost talked to her but thought better of it and walked away.

There's always a fear for me in going to psychics. I'm afraid the first thing they'll say is "you masturbate a lot."

And even if they don't think that first, the whole time I'll be trying to not think about them telling me I masturbate which of course will make me think about it harder until the word "Masturbate" is just repeating loudly in my head. The psychic will sense the word and say "Masturbate?" I will then throw over the table and scream "How dare you, sir?! HOW DARE YOU?" Which is weird because it'll be a woman. She'll say "Sir? I am no man! Ah! You've ruined my vase!" But of course she'll have said it "vahz." I'll be like "vahz? vahz? It's fucking vayss you ass!" She'll say "No one insults Madame Beniot!" Suddenly I'll be cursed by the shemale psychic and all because I succumbed to the greatest sales pitch I've ever known.

Moments of Clarity #32 and #33

The problem with movies about Martial Arts and Breakdancing is I walk out of them thinking I can do both.

My least favorite response from a girl to the question "Why do you find him sexy?" is "He reminds me of my dad."

Funky Cold Medina

I've had a chessburger for breakfast/lunch for the past few days. Perhaps I should start a countdown to my death now. When I say, I need to eat better I mean in it the way smokers say "I need to quit."

I was in a cab the other day and the cab driver was quite stereotypical. The first thing he said to me was "the jews are ruining everything, my firend!" He was talking specifically about his business that day. It was a high holy day and according to him, "they expect the whole city to shut down." I could tell his anger was at something bigger and maybe something a bit more life consuming. I wouldn't doubt if he's the kind of person that wakes up, stubs his toe and yells "JEWS!" I wouldn't doubt that the moment he laid eyes on his deformed whale baby he exclaimed to the heavens, "JEWS!"

He was in a good mood though and kept narrating how he felt about the traffic with pepperings of the familial "my friend." There was a point where I suddenly found that phrase amazingly unoriginal. Really? My friend? That again? Come on man, every cab driver says that! Watch a movie! Use someting from that. I would prefer that movie be from the 80s. So then cabbies would say stuff like, "Where are you going, home skillet?"
"That'll be $11, brotherman."
"No Brooklyn, sexual chocolate soul brother!"

At least I can feel like I have some style. Once you get called that you feel like that. I'll get out walking and talking like a graphic from a Parliament Funkadelic Album cover. I'll be like,
"Yeah, I dig!
Let me put my sunglasses on.
That's the law around here, you got to wear your sunglasses.
So you can feel cool.
Gangster lean.
Y'all should dig my sun-rooftop.
Well, allright. Hey I was diggin' on y'alls funk for awhile.
Sounds like it got a three on it though, to me.
Then I was down south and I heard some funk with some main ingredients
Like Doobie Brothers, Blue Magic, David Bowie.
It was cool,
But can you imagine Doobiein' your funk? Ho!
WEFUNK, we funk."

Someone to Watch

It's time for another edition of Someone to Watch!! This episode features Todd Louiso. This guy is just hilarious and has an ability to do great things with small roles. He puts a lot of nuance into the various roles he's done that makes you remember him as "oh that guy is in this? I love that guy!"

I just recently saw him in "School for Scoundrels" which is Todd Phillips' (Old School, Starsky & Hutch) new film. You may also remember him as Dr Steven Price, the snake expert, in Snakes on a Plane. As well as the weird nanny in Jerry Maguire, and, of course, as Dick, the clerk in the music store with Cusack and Black in High Fidelity. If you're a fan of indies, especially ones with Philip Seymour Hoffman, you may also recognize him as the director of the very depressing Love Liza.

Todd attended the School for the Creative and Performing Arts in Cincinnati, Ohio from 4th grade all the way to 12th. He ended up going to film school at NYU afterwards and graduated in 92 and landed in a rold in Scent of a Woman. Ever since then he's been jumping around from part to part on TV and movies and had rightfully earned his status as "oh that guy!"

One of my favorite things about Todd is that he's full of surprises. I'm always taken aback that this little seemingly plain bald man has a comedic fearlessness that lends such color to his characters. He's also someone that understands tone. He never seems out of place. He never goes over the top; instead he brings very subtle chocies to round out a character in a believable way but pushes it to the absurd just enough that you laugh loudly. Mr Louiso, I salute you.

How Am I Not Home?

OK. I'll come right out and admit it. I don't have a day job. Haven't had one for about a year and a half. A luckily I've done enough paying acting/stand up gigs that I make ends meet. Although there are the times where I literally just run out of money. Commercials do pay a lot, but not as much as most people think. Also, it runs out quick when you don't have a stuy income. I have a check right now that i haven't cashed. I don't know if or when the next one is coming. Once I cash it I have no more income.

Of course, it frees me up to go to auditions to create other opportunities for income. True indeed. But here's the thing about auditions: they're auditions. I might not get it. Statistically there's little chance of it. But while I'm running from audition to audition it leaves me little time to try to write and create stuff for myself. Like writing on this blog. Or writing a movie, TV show, stand up jokes.

I haven't watched TV in a long while. That's just because I'm out all day and when I get home (on average somewhere between 1-3am) I usually have to get to sleep depending if I have an early audition. I wake up and hour and a half early. Hour to get ready. 30 mins travel time. And I'm usually still late. I LOVE TV! Fuck you and whatever you think about that. But I haven't had time to watch it and that sucks. I'm paying for cable I should be able to put a few hours aside to watch it otherwise I'm paying for nothing! I want to watch Weeds dammit! Is that to much to ask?

HeHe HoHo

If I were in my 20s in the early 80s people would say my name when they talk about their hip hop influences. I would be an originator. Most of what you had to do in the 80s was rap about what you saw and then have a really cool rhythmic laugh.

"We're in a room. A big ass room
Sometime it'll get dirty and we'll neep a broom
We'll be scrubbing and cleaning and just won't stop
Then some crazy dude will produce a mop
There's a guy in the front row lives in the ghetto
Owes me 20 dollars so to him I say no no
I seriously need it cuz i want to see a movie
Hey! He placed it in my hand, that's really really groovy
HAha Ha ha!"

In 1984 that would be considered genius. I was just re watching a classis film called "Beat Street" which is the bomb diggity. Just a classic and one of the first movies to show what the "youth" were doing in NYC at that time. At the end of the movie there's a celebration that future Grandmaster Flash and the Furious Five. Grandmaster Flash unleases a furious flow that I think still holds true today. Here's a portion of the lyrics...

"Christians killed Muslims, and Germans killed Jews
And everybody's bodies are used and abused, Huh!
Minds are poisoned and souls are polluted
Superiority complex is deep rooted
Leeches and lices, and people got prices
Egomaniacs control the self-righteous
Nothing is sacred and nothing is pure
So the revelation of death is our cure
Dachau, Auschwitz, Hiroshima
Vietnam, Leningrad, Iwo Jima
Okinawa, Korea, The Philippines
Devastation, death, catch the killing machine man
The peoples in terror, the leaders made the error
And now they can't even look in the mirror
Cause we gotta suffer while things get rougher
And that's the reason why we got to get tougher
To learn from the past and work for the future
And don't be a slave to no computer
Cause the Children of Man inherits the land
And the future of the world is in your hands"

Yeah...

...its been a while. I've been running around a lot lately. When i'm not at home i'm not around my computer and don't have the opportunity to write. Sadness indeed. I will update soon. SOON I TELL YOU! For now, however, I'm gonna play with my new digital camera. HELL YEAH!!! More stand up to be taped!!

Bush LOVED The Rock.

Jivemn2 : Mnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn, hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.

Attndnt : Can I get you something?

Jivemn2 : S'mo fo butter layin' to the bone. Jackin' me up.
Tightly.

Attndnt : I'm sorry I don't understand.

Jivemn1 : Cutty say he cant hang.

Woman4 : Oh stewardess, I speak jive.

Attndnt : Ohhhh, good.

Woman4 : He said that he's in great pain and he wants to know
if you can help him.

Attndnt : Would you tell him to just relax and I'll be back as
soon as I can with some medicine.

Woman : Jus' hang loose blooood. She goonna catch up on the`
rebound a de medcide.

Jivemn2 : What it is big mamma, my mamma didn't raise no dummy, I
dug her rap.

Woman4 : Cut me som' slac' jak! Chump don wan no help, chump
don git no help. Jive ass dude don got no brains
anyhow.

There's a scene in the movie "The Rock" where theere is a mutiny. Ed Harris' character shows that he doesn't want to kill innocent people so he's relieved of his command. 3 soldiers have guns pointed at him and one doesn't. He's then told -

"Major Baxter, you're either
with us or against us."

Hmm, I wonder where else I've heard that.

And God said "Let there be Black People..."

This is what happens when Joe Mande is bored at work.

Play this and stare.
powered by ODEO

Stop it, Baron

I dedicate this to the people in Queens. A gentleman I know by the name of Dave Hill made this and the first time I saw it I laughed heartily. You'll only get this if you live in NYC and have seen this local commercial.



I can't buy anymore books. That's what happens when I start getting money. I'll wander into a bookstore and just pick up the first 5 things that my eye catches. What can I say? I like knowledge. Eh, ladies? Knowledge.

These are the last few things I picked up.
Misquoting Jesus by Bart D. Ehrman - heard about this in TIME in a little snippet from Craig as in THE Craig from Craigslist.

Microthrills by Wendy Spero - had met Wendy before but was reintroduced to her at a few NYC comedy shows. She's very funny and might be the single most adorable person I've ever met.

The Paradox of Choice by Barry Schwartz - saw this a long time ago when I purchased "Mediated" which is one of my new favorite books.

Soul on Ice by Eldridge Cleaver - a classic book of essays written during the 60s by a disenfranchised angry black man. My cup of tea.

Lew Hunter's Screenwriting 434 - a friend suggested I get this if I want to write movies. It helped him a great deal.

Death etc. by Harold Pinter - a small collection of short plays, poems and speeches by my favorite playwright and Nobel Prize winning author.

I still have many books I haven't read. I need to just read EVERYTHING on my bookshelf. I don't know what it is about having a bunch of books on it that makes me feel like I have an identity. I've read maybe 75% of what I have.

Git ta readin!

For some reason...

...New York City has decided to pull in a whole fleet of brand new to newish taxicabs. Of course, my predictable joke is "finally new fresh smelling cabs with leather interiors that still won't pick me up." OH!

Of course we're all accustomed to the Ford Crown Victoria pictured to the right (this is a 2006 model, I'm sure the cars they have range from 98-02). I like to call them the FC Vic's. Most people don't know what the hell I'm talking about. I'll say "Hey let's go get in an FC Vic" and I'll usually say it after someone asks me the time or my middle name. No one knows what I mean. Also, they are hard to recognize when they're not painted yellow or without the word "Police" written on the side with sirens on top. Isn't it hilarious that cabs and cop cars are the same model? One will be damned before they pick me up, the other CAN'T WAIT to get me in the back seat. OH!

The other day I was walking down the street with friends in the East Village area and there were a few of us. We were going to a party I think. A birthday party. And it was far enough that it would take a while to walk, but close enough that a cab would be inexpensive. At that moment, a van cab passed by which is of course the Toyota Sienna. he refused to take us. Refused. One friend of course was angry about it. As he is right to be. There is a law. A what? A law. Well what's a law? Glad you asked. WOW! Dictionary.com has 22 definitions as a noun. Must be an interesting concept. Here's the first 4.

1. the principles and regulations established in a community by some authority and applicable to its people, whether in the form of legislation or of custom and policies recognized and enforced by judicial decision.
2. any written or positive rule or collection of rules prescribed under the authority of the state or nation, as by the people in its constitution. Compare bylaw, statute law.
3. the controlling influence of such rules; the condition of society brought about by their observance: maintaining law and order.
4. a system or collection of such rules.

Hmm, so apparently there is a law that New York City cab drivers CAN NOT refuse a fare. But they do do do. Not all. I'm not gonna lump them together, but as a lot of people in this city know from personal experience that certain drivers will not take certain people to certain areas. This particular driver didn't want to take we 5 people to our destination. "Not even a few blocks." That is a quote.

The other day I had a cab driver (driving the new Ford Escape - escape from Manhattan) who actually said to me "I was looking for someone to go to Queens." WHAT? Wow. Sometimes there are the people are are refreshing. Maybe even personable. Sometimes they are funny. Smart. But still whenever I get into a cab with no problems, its so confusing I don't know what day it is. I think to myself "Is it February? Hooray, 28 days I can catch a cab." (That's a black history month joke for those who don't know.)

I am the Snake on this Train

I’m on a Train to Boston. Yes, train.

I decided to splurge because I wanted to be comfortable and on time, but of course it worked out that the train was 40 minutes late and I’m going be in Boston 15 minutes before the first show I’m supposed to do starts. Indeed I shall rush over to the Studio.

On this train I’m listening to music and what I’m into right now is something I’m gona call Brit Hop. British Hip Hop. Its getting bigger and bigger. Actually I don’t know if that’s true at all. It is to me. I feel like a lot of people have heard of Dizzee Rascal, The Streets and MIA, but I’m listening to some people that haven’t quite caught on in America. First off there’s JME.

I’m digging JME. Someone friended me on the Myspace and had his music on their page. I went to his page and I was like “whadda hell?” He’s got some nice syncopated beats and a flow that reminds me on a conversational Busta Rhymes. Some of his lines are so simple that they’re absurdly hilarious like the beginning of his song “Awoh”

Boy you better know
CEO
Boy you better know
CEO
That’s me
JME
So Shh Hut Yuh Muh
You need to tighten up your CV (British for resume)
Microsoft Word
That’s you
You’re a nerd
Stop MCing go to the shops
Have a drink

At first, I didn’t know if he knew he stuff was funny. When I heard what I believe was his hit “Serious” (at least for the fact that he references it in most of his other songs), I saw that he knew. The first lines go

Everybody thinks to MC tough
Your lyrics must be about nega’ive stuff.
Go ravin, no one skankin,
Turn round, I bet you someon’s shankin’
Just cuz we come from the guttah
And we know about scrapin the bott’m of da buttah
Don’t mean we have to be sinners
Major labels don’t want killers
Think
Who’s gonna sign a guy with a shank
Or a guy wif a 9mil
All you’re gonna get is a free freak-a-dil
You MC a rave and get a bill
But that bill ain’t gon last
It will go fast
And it might be the last chips for a while
So you won’t have no dough for a while

To the beat
Just bob your head to the beat
If you don’t wanna dance to the beat
Just bob your head to the beat
If you don’t wanna dance or lean back
Then bob your head to the beat
If you don’t wanna dance to the beat
Just bob your head to the beat

And you will bob your head.

Also, there’s Lady Sovereign (she’s in JME’s top friends and he’s in hers). She calls herself the biggest midget in the game. Already funny. She’s got a really interesting voice and style with songs like “Shh!” and “Adidas Hoodie.” And ya gotsta to remember in England they pronounce it AH-dee-das unlike here where we pronounce it ah-DEE-das.

Here’s the “Adidas Hoodie Remix” and its Mizz Beats Ft Lady Sovereign, Skepta, JME, Ears, Jammer & Baby Blue. Enjoy.

powered by ODEO

I didn't even have to use my AK...you could say it was a good day.

Yeah yeah yeah, mofo!

So today marked a historical event for me. And by "me" I mean "my mom." I filmed Law and Order: Criminal Intent today. This fulfills one of my mothers greatest dreams for me which was to be on her favortie show on TV. And by "favorite" I mean "we watched a Law and Order: Criminal Intent marathon on New Years Eve as a means of counting down." When I told that to Vincent D'Onofrio and Kathryn Erbe, they looked at me much like the photo to the left. They were confused and maybe a little afraid. I guess its the equivalent of someone saying to me "Hey I watched a video or your stand up and stared at a picture of you for 4 hours until it was midnight and then I celebarted by making noise and setting off miniature explosives! YAY!"

I kept thinking to myself the whole time I was was there that it would be HILARIOUS if there was a real murder on the set of Law and Order. Why would that be funny you ask? I'm tell you. Cuz no one would be able to tell who the real cops are and aren't. The costumes are very authentic. Its disorienting. It'd be a jumble of actors and real cops and what a Mad Cap Romp 'twould be! I don't want anyone to die, but if it resulted in tale of mistaken identity to rvial that of the Bard's Twelfth Night, PLAY ON!

The highlight of the night though was standing on a pier of Long Island City made to look like an outdoor bar/party in the rain. Outdoors. In the drizzle and wind that got worse as the night went on. And we had to look like we were having fun and not wet and cold. Very nice indeed.

BUT EVEN TO OUTDO THAT, was the wonderful experience of waiting in the rain after I'd been wrapped. I stood with a broken umbrella while 3 cabs looked right at me and passed me by refusing to take me somewhere that is only 10 minute drive away (i had no clue how to get back). I stood and walked around for 45 minutes until a clueless driver picked me up. I mean was what I thinking? Why would I expect them to pick me up? Its not February!

All in all it was a fun experience and I met some good people. I was angry I had to cancel 3 spots tonight including the premiere of my own show, but Law and Order happens. I'm wet. I'm cold. I'm tired. I just spilled water in my own bed. Great.

A terrible mistake has been made

If you happened to happen upon the NY Post on sunday you might have seen some shocking, disturbing, shockingly disturbing, and disturbingly shocking.

If you picked up the post and saw the cover you would have learned a lot about the world and New York in particular but then you would have seen something that said "New York's Sexiest" and you would have turned to page 37 to see this title to the right.

Looks ok. "Everything here is on order," you say to yourself.
"I guess you could say he's sexy. Ooh, she's definitely sexy. And her and her."

Then you'd look at the second page. The next batch of "sexy."

Even though there's something in the back of your mind irking you about this page you continue on. "That looks in order and she's very super sexy and...wait a minute. What the hell is this?" You look a little closer.

A terrible mistake has been made. I got calls, texts, emails from my very confused friends and such. All asking, "How did that happen?" They are confused. They know me. They know the truth.

Now for jokes...

See, I thought they said "Messiest New Yorkers." I thought well my life is in shambles. Why not?

The Post tends to have a conservative slant. So if you can believe what they say about Iraq, you can believe what they say about Sexy.

HEY HO!

But to Sara Stewart (and Mandy, of course) I say thanks.

Incredible

I'm turning into an 8 year old girl.

I woke up the other day and opened my bedroom door to the living room to find a small kitten waiting to get into my room. Suddenly it flashed to me that my roommate had asked me a few weeks ago if I would mind getting a cat and suddenly there it was. Its fucking adorable.

I'm turning into an 8 year old girl. I keep playing with it. Taking pics and vids on my phone with the intention of showing them to friends and saying "Look at my cat! Isn't is cute!"

I don't even know its name. I just call it Cutey Cute Cute McCuterson. I'm a black man that has had a gun in my face and I'm using the word "cute" repeatedly.

Someone to Watch

I'm gonna start doing a new regular feature on this blog that features an actor (gender neutral term) that is making a career for themselves. These are people that you may have heard of or seen but you don't really know their names or where they came from. The first person I want to mention is Missi Pyle.

Missi graduated from North Carolina School for the Arts with a BFA in Acting in 1995 and since then you've seen her doing her thang in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory (Tim Burton - Violet's Mom), Bringing Down the House (great fight scene with Queen Latifah - the best part of the movie to me), Galaxy Quest (the aliens that falls for Tony Shaloub's character), and Dodgeball (the scary unibrowed woman on Ben Stiller's Dream Team).

I don't remember who it was I was speaking with about her the other day, but we talked about how she's one of those actor's that just adds a special something to every movie she's been in. Doesn't really matter how random the movie or the role, she's fun to watch. She's having fun and that translates across the screen. She doesn't have that thing of taking herself too seriously. That doesn't mean she's not believable. She's definitely believeable. But her sense of fun allows her to lend personality to things that aren't that steeped in reality. Look at her list of roles again. It makes me very interested to see what she'd be like in a "serious" role. I'd love to see her in a play. I'm sure she'd have a confidence and presence that allows her to lend some subtlety to each moment. Either that or I have a weird crush on her.

If you like Martial Arts movies, read on...

So a few posts ago I wrote about Mr Bruce Lee. He's still bad ass, but get ready for the next generation.

So Jackie Chan is getting old and has broken every bone in his body multiple times. Jet Li is about to stop doing martial arts films. Reportedly, "Fearless" is his last movie of that genre.

The other night I watched a movie I'd been wanting to for a while, "Ong Bak: Thai Warrior." This movie had a gentlemen in it who is the future of Martial Arts Films: Tony Jaa.

This dude is amazing. He has a good onscreen intensity and some hardcore moves. Hardcore I say! "Thai Warrior" has some footwork in it this is just astounding. It's the kind of foot work that would make Capoeira fanatics drop their jaws. Here's the kicker. No wires. This movie is very bare bones grass roots Martial Arts. Its not the elegant ballet that a Yuen Wo Ping would create made famous by the Matrix, Kill Bill and Crouching Tiger. Its more like a club with some real Poppers and Lockers on the floor. Its still beautiful and takes skill, but its more immediate and on the same level with every one.

So Tony was the stunt double in the Mortal Kombat movie for Robin Shou (Liu Kang). I saw a piece of a documentary the other day that Shou directed. I need to see again. Its about a school in China that you enter when you're 14/15/16 to become the elitist stunt martial artists in the world: The Red Tousers.

Again, no wires. Check out this clip. The man is simply jumping. This is all his own athleticism. I really got to get in shape. Any shape. I don't even have a shape. I'm just a skinny amoeba. I don't even know how I'm typing.

Pussy Control!

This is a rap I wrote as commissioned by Sara Schaefer for her show Video Gaga. I don't know if we're gonna have the time to do it by monday, but I wanted to share cuz I'm pretty proud of this.

These are 3 gangsta cats that call themselves "Pussy Bandits." DJ Tabby Tab, Kal E Koe, and Scat Kat 2.0. So enjoy their number 1 hit "Motherf&#%er, I'm a CAT!"

DJ TABBY TAB:
I’m a cat motherfucker
You a dog my bitch
I gotta itch you better scratch
‘fo I put you in a ditch
cuz I’m a mean mother fucker
I’m a bad ass Tabby
I shot Rin Tin Tin
And impregnated Lassie
Better get checked for rabies and scabies
Its ok, the dirty ho will have cat-dog babies
Fuck her I don’t want nutin to do wit’em
She bring ‘em to me, I’m a spit and hit ‘em
I’ll split and quit’em. I’ll shit and forget ‘em
And I'll Find a cardboard where I can fit ‘em
Then I mail to China cuz that’s what I do
I’m a Gangsta C-A-T so fuck you!
They’ll be Siamese if they please, what what?
You want to get me fixed? Well you can suck dese nuts!
You best step the fuck back
Cuz I be callin the shots
I’m a kitty cat and you’re not!

(chorus)
Mother Fucker I’m a CAT!
Here kitty kitty kitty,
Here kitty kitty kitty
Mother Fucker I’m a CAT!
Here kitty kitty kitty
Motherfucker this is where its at!
Motherfucker I’m a CAT
Here kitty kitty kitty,
Here kitty kitty kitty
Mother Fucker I’m a CAT!
Here kitty kitty kitty
Mother fucker this is where its at!

KAL E KOE:
I’m “Tyrannus” and you’re “Sic Semper”
I’m gonna give you some distemper
Gonna pop your bubble like the Hindenburg blimp
You’ll be walking like Rick Moranis with a limp
“Meow” That’s what I say to get the pussy
I’m hypnotic melodic like I’m Claude DeBussy
Got a line of fine feline all down the street
Cuz I got the ice to handle girls in heat
And they purr so sweet
Cuz I’m so complete
I rub they feet, I’m so discreet
I’m treat those women like the Mix that I love to eat
Fuck a litter box, I’ll shit and piss where I likey
In you silk dress socks and your Air Jordan Nikes
If you annoy me, boy, I’ll fuckin piss on your bed
You can’t destroy me, I’ll even shit on your head.

(coughs up a hair ball for a bit. The music stop until it comes out. Goes straight into…)

SCAT KAT 2.0:
I’ll kill your schemes
I’ll stab your dreams
I’ll eat your spleen
I’m a freaky fiend
I’m picking up steam
I’m not what I seem
You tryin to ride my stream
But its too extreme
I gleam and I team with the mean fucking teens
To redeem the regime of the streets and the scenes
So unclean, makes you scream what you see
When the beams shine your sheen
You will flee climb a tree need codeine
Set the scene, and esteem what I be
You can’t escape me
Or fucking mind rape me
Cuz I move and I shake, see?
Fuck you old lady!
Mufasa and Simba got nothing or me
Cuz I’m motherfuckin C-A-T!


Mother Fucker I’m a CAT!
Here kitty kitty kitty,
Here kitty kitty kitty
Mother Fucker I’m a CAT!
Here kitty kitty kitty
Motherfucker this is where its at!
Motherfucker I’m a CAT
Here kitty kitty kitty,
Here kitty kitty kitty
Mother Fucker I’m a CAT!
Here kitty kitty kitty
Mother fucker this is where its at!

(Chorus repeats and then it cuts to the “Meow Meow” Meow Mix song)

Pissed Off (in more ways than one)

You have to imagine me saying "in more ways than one" in a funny high pitched voiced with a South American accent.

So one of my best friends, Chanelle (she loves it when I put "best friend" and her name in the same sentence), is doing a play outdoors in a park right now. Its the Classic Greek "The Bacchae." They had a cancellation. They had to cancel their show which is outside. They had to cancel their show is which they role around on the ground. Did I mention it was outside?

Here's an email I got from Chanelle about why they had to cancel...

"So i went to my call last night and was getting into costume, i thought it was unusually quiet and had that weird feeling that somehow the show was not going to happen, but as i was applying the clay i figured, ah, guess it is...

there's this homeless guy who it seems is very upset that we are in his space, and has had some confrontations with the directors, he kind of looks like he thinks he's a figure in one of the bars in star wars, he has a palm pilot and a strange monocle, and wears this cloak. so anyway, one of the tech guys caught him dousing the entire stage and seating area in bottles of his urine, so by the time we arrived the stage and benches were wet with a mixture of urine and lemon cleaning fluid. so we had to cancel the show because we couldn't run or roll around as we needed to...cancellation due to pee."

I argue that a play would be more interesting if you knew you might be sitting in pee.

Euripides' The Bacchae
Fri-Sun, 8:30pm
Aug 4th - Aug 27th
Riverside Park
89th & Riverside Dr
FREE!

Where you from?

Can I get a what what in my comments? Who the hell is actually reading this thing? If you've come here more than once, please leave a comment. I'll actually write more if i know people are expecting me to whip out the goods. I will bring the proverbial "it."

So...I'm struggling for a topic...uh...Oh...no, that's...uh...yeah I uh...fuck.

I know! I'll post an idea I had for a joke that might make a better blog entry.

I'm from a little known town called Las Vegas, NV. I recently discovered that telling people I'm from Vegas is code for "Say something stupid to me." The top 3 most common idiotic comments are as follows...

3. Did you live in a casino?
2. Did you get paid in poker chips?
1. Is your mother a hooker?

Thanks. That's the perfect thing to say to someone you just met. I'm gonna start doing that to people. I'm gonna make assumptions about you based on limited stereotypical knowledge of your home.

Oh you're from New York?
Did you live in the bourbon soaked rotted stomach of an unconcious homeless man passed out on a park bench?
Did you get paid in the binge drinking induced vomit of 20something Jersey and Long Island weekenders?
Is your mother the penetrating aroma or urine of the F train?

Oh you're from Los Angeles?
Is your mother a saline chested attention hound willing to do anything and anyone for a 15 second walk on role on the lowest rated show on the Food Network?

...and I'll make them up about places I know nothing about

Oh you're from Lochern, MD?
Did you live on a donkey farm run by flying red pixies that loved to sing showtunes in German accents?

Oh you're from Herman, NE?
Did you get paid with the teeth of kittens that failed to pass the LSATs?

Oh yo're from Liberal, KS? Sure I know where it is. About 30 miles south of Sublette.
Is your mother a 300 pound Simoan gentleman that wears brown spandex and likes to have sex with bullet wounds that actually believes in and worships Poseiden?

...and on and on until people stop being stupid. That means I'll be saying these things forever.

posters on the train

I find it ok to not take reading with me on the subway when i ride around the city. I like to people watch and there's always plenty of reading on the walls of the cars. They're usually easy to see because THE ENTIRE WALL IS PLASTERED WITH THE SAME AD. Here's 2 that caught my eye today.

"of course new york is cool. it has millions of air conditioners"

this is an ad for the ever infamous Con Edison. um, excuse me, ConED, new york ISN'T cool. remember how there was a POWER OUTAGE? Some called it a BLACKOUT and called themselves FUCKED. remember how sometimes random people get ELECTROCUTED because of a seemingly careless approach to handling live wires? yeah, not cool.

another ConED ad reads

"we're on it. under it. inside it. through it. above it. across it."

ah. poetry. nice to see that ConED hired Robert Pinsky, Maya Angelou, and ee cummings to collarborate on that piece of art. It actually sounds more like a threat to me. sounds like a serial rapist describing what they're gonna do to their next victim. which, of course, will be an altercation that conlcudes with electrocution.

which brings me to another point: why is ConED advertising? is there some competition i don't know about? some power company that won't accidentally kill people and have power outages occur? no? well guess you gotta do something with all that money.

I've been seeing a lot of ads for Jesus for Jews. What happened to Jews for Jesus? Is it the same organization that wanted an image change? Is it someone different? Or is it just that jewsforjesus.com and .org were already taken? Damn 15 year olds.

It's good that they changed the name cuz one of them implies that Jesus is worshipping the Jews.

Now I don't mean to make fun or what someone believes, but yes I do.

Here's 2 ads I liked by them

"Pursuing truth is a noble thing. But what if it leads you to an unpopular belief that might be misunderstood by those you care about the most?"

Hmm. An unpopular belief? Christianity? Last I checked (and I do check) its pretty popular. But you are talking about the Jews. Maybe its not popular amongst them. Usually Christianity isn't popular becuz they are busy being Jewish. Gets in the way of your daily allowance of Jesus.

"Often our culture dictates what we're willing to consider. But truth knows no such limits. Shlomy can tell you."

And the man pictured as the Israeli Shlomy looks exactly like an Israeli named Shlomy.

You guys got me JeJews! I'm gonna convert to Judaism then convert to something that sits strangely between Christianity and Judaism that manages to be scarier than both! Yay! There is a light at the end of the tunnel! Oh wait, that's just because we're being held in the station.

Lee-tastic

Its 2006 and Bruce Lee is still the baddest mofo that has ever existed.

Snark-tastic

Sometimes I get to do shows in Midtown for Tourist McTouristy. A whole audience of people that come to New York. Most of them expect it to just be a bigger version of where they are from. Wrong! New York is in no way nice or simple. Sorry. It's true.

I did a show the other day in Midtown. I've been doing a lot of shows at the Improv Cafe which is run by my friend Aaron Haber. I had 3 shows there recently. 2 were great and the one sandwiched in the middle was strange. They clammed up if I said or implied anything about race. When I walked off stage a woman in the back on the room said, "You've got a lot of potential. You should drop the racial stuff." I pulled back my sleeve, showed her my skin color, pointed at it and said, "It Happens."

Indeed. Contrary to popular belief, Stand Up comics love getting notes and criticism from people who have done stand up never. This woman doesn't realize that its because of people like her that I do racial material. Her statements to me mean that what I did wasn't white friendly and thus needs to be cut from my act. Which of course means I'm gonna do the opposite. That's like telling a swimmer to not get wet. That's like telling a skydiver to not fall. When you are black in America, race is an issue cuz you're always seen as the other. White is normal and you are the other. The problem people. Its an issue in my life, so I talk about it onstage. So Shut it lady and go watch Robin Williams.

And Now....
for my all time favorite Viral Video "Afro Ninja"



That is comedy.
I showed this to a friend and he said he doesn't find it funny when people get hurt. He has something called empathy which makes him feel for human beings. Hey man, I have it too. Like if this happened on a sidwalk outside Central Park. I wouldn't find it funny. But this guy is auditioning for a movie and he fucks it up!!! And he gets up and still tries to finish. Man, that is funny! Maybe its because I go on auditions a lot and if I do badly, I can always say "well I least i didn't try to do a backflip and land on my face!"

That always brightens my day.

Rut-tastic

Its amazing how when you technically have nothing to do you really do nothing. I have nothing to do, but the "technically" means I have various assignments floating around my head that need to get done. Various things ranging from cleaning my room to cleaning the bathroom to writing sketches to writing jokes to doing laundry to paying my 6 month delinquent student loans to filing taxes for 2005.

Things that I maybe just maybe should get done.

I haven't had what you could call a day job in a long while which is good. Very good. Many of my friends have to assuage their desire to nut kick me when I tell them that. Doesn't mean i'm confortable at all. I am living check to check. I know there are checks coming, but I don't know when. That means i can run out of money and not have another check for a month. I still have to get through that month. So i'm perpetually "on the verge" Somethings gonna happen. I just don't know what or when.

I've described it as having planted seeds that haven't yet grown. If you were a stranger who didn't know there were seeds there, you'd walk by and think "Why is that black asshole watering dirt? And why is there a patch of dirt in a fluorescent junkyard. How did I end up walking by this junkyard? How did this junkyard become fluorescent? There is pink, yellow and orange everywhere! Where is my son?"

See? Its an indentity crisis for everyone involved.

Set to set

They say every comedian lives set to set. By "they" I mean Jacob They and the They Foundation (saying what's what for 100 years). By "Set to set" I mean you have a great set and you feel great until you have a shitty set which makes you feel shitty until you have a great set. I've gotten better and better at accepting when I have horrible sets. I can just tell by the mood and the audience when that's gonna happen. Most comedians will say the good/bad set relationship happens in movements. They'll be a time where you're just having bad set after bad set: the slump. Suddenly all the sets are good. Sometimes that even happens when you're doing the exact same material.

This week for me has been a set to set week. I'm 2 and 2. The best set of the week comes with an interesting story. I made my premiere on the infamous show Invite Them Up on Wednesday night when who shows up 5 minutes before the show? Why the one and only Louis CK. i was nervous to follow him cuz once I had to follow Chris Rock and that wasn't pleasant. People looked at me and were like "the fact you exist means you're trying to copy him," and i didn't have a good time. But now I'm a better comedian and I know what I'm doing. I had a great set and felt good about everything in the world.

Then thursday came, back to the drawing board. And by "drawing board" I mean floating razor blades above my wrists.

Hmm, even I'm uncomfortable with that joke.

Moment of Clarity #31

(I thought of this one first)

The day before Armaggedon, I want to be the first person to say, "Let's blank like there's no tomorrow."

(then I thought of it this way)

If you had a friend who was psychic, it'd be intimidating to hear them say "Let's blank like there's no tomorrow."

(Regardless of which is funnier, I'm still disgusted with myself as a human being.)

Moment of Clarity #30

The letter "R" is very important. Without it i'd end up saying things like...

"gil, i want to touch you beasts."

Don't Blow the Job!

I came home last night (3am) to someone getting a blowjob on the stoop next to mine. It was not inconspicuous by any means. A man sitting on the stairs with a woman kneeling in front of him. His hands clasped around her bouncing head. I mean I am assuming here so I apologize.

My favorite part was when they saw me coming. The guy saw me coming and I guess he gestured to the woman to stop moving. Her head was still but they were still in the exact same position. Yes, that's gonna fool me. That is what is gonna make me rethink the fact that you're receiving fellatio in public. Her just keeping her head still.

"Oh my God!! Is that what I think it is. She is totally sucking his...wait a minute. Her head isn't moving anymore. Hmm, well I guess I was wrong. They must just be playing Scattergories on the street. At 3am. With her head is his lap. Scattergories. Yeah."

You're not allowed to be embarrased once you've commited to that. That's a brave thing to do. I mean you can't just pause everytime someone walks by. Shove it in their face. I mean not literally. Don't shove it in their face. I mean her face is already being shoved. I mean don't apologize. Celebrate it. Cuz really you guys are oral sexing it up on the street! Wow. I'm coming home alone to my little room to blog about it. Yup, I feel fulfilled. Its a good thing tears are a great sleeping pill.

An Old Joke.

A tourist goes to Mexico with a tourist group, but finds himself separated from them. The only thing he knows is that he's supposed to meet with his group at the church in the middle of town at 6:30pm to go back to the hotel. Like an idiot, he didn't bring a watch with him. So he walks up to a man sitting on the edge of the road with a donkey standing next to him

"Excuse me...uh...habla ingles?"

"Si."

"Oh good. Do you know what time it is?"

The man sitting in the road grabs the donkey's balls and lifts them, "well sir, it's 5:15pm"

The tourist walks away dumbfounded and disturbed, but strangely impressed. He wanders around the town a bit longer but doesn't go too far so as not to get lost and makes his way back over to the man in the street. "Excuse me again. Can I get the time?"

The man grabs the donkey's balls, lifts them, "it's 6:20."

"I'm sorry, but how is it you can tell time by fondling that donkey's junk?"

"Well you grab the donkey's balls like THIS...you lift them like THIS...and you see that clock over there?"

The Great T-Shirt Caper of 20 ought 6!!!!

I'm on a search for cool T Shirts. I want a surplus.

I've recently discovered that I don't have enough cool T-Shirts for summer. I have T-Shirts. Plenty of plain white T's, but I want something that stands on it own as a piece of clothing. Different colors, different graphics, etc.

Please if you read this and have a suggestion for a store or website I should go to to find some T's, leave a comment beeeeeyatch.

Moment of Clarity #29

When redheads wear blue they look very patriotic.

...and now presenting the closing number from the current production by the National Speech Impediment Summer Stock Players!!!

"Jesus Drist! Duperdar!
Do you dink you're what dey day you are!"

$141,453.33 - a poem

you know what?

fuck you!!

fuck you person who went to the ATM before me
at the Washington Mutual on 23rd St and 6th Ave

fuck you person who conveniently left their
transaction reciept in the machine

so that
unsuspectingly people like me
could find it and wonder what the fuck i'm doing with my life

that's how much you have in checking?

as my jess wood says, "I'll kill everybody!"

i have a fraction of a fraction of that and i feel like
i'm in the money, honey

i have a sliver of a sliver of that and i feel like
i can eat all of the little debbies nutty bars i want

i have percentage of a percentage of that
but i still have more money that most of my friends

UDDERS

you put that there on purpose
you wanted me to find it

you with your financial know how
with your accountant
with your penchant for keeping receipts
with your knack to file taxes on time
with your shiny shoes
with your money put away for the future
with your money saved for the future
with your 401k
with your mutual funds
with your college money for the kids you haven't even thought about having

seriously
fuck you.

This time of year...

...I'm reminded of the old Bill Hicks joke:

"What the hell did moths bump into before the lightbulb?"

Mr Big Stuff.

So I just saw Chris Noth on the N train. Now normally and striahgt black male would have no idea who this was (unless he's a fan on Law and Order which black men typically aren't in any sense), but I happen to have a lot of close friend who are Women or Gay Men. That means any time you hang with a group of women or gay men, there will be viewings of Sex and the City. The if you hang out with one female friend there is a 10% chance you will watch Sex and the City. 2 women and/or gay men = 20% chance. 3 = 40%. 4 = 80%. 5 = 160%. That's right! The increase is exponential!!

If you are hanging out with 5 women/gay men, there is a 160% chance you will watch that show. The extra 60% mean that you will unexpectedly be jostled out of your slumer by a phone call to test how much you retained from the previous evenings show.

So, yes. Chris Noth was Mr. Big. He got up out of his seat and I sat in it. Then I noticed a bunch of girls giggling, staring and then getting very silent. So I looked and I saw who it was. At first I was surprised he was on the subway, but then I thought why wouldn't he ride the subway? If i get some sort of notoriety, I'll ride the subway. Its convient and it something I'm used to. I always find it interesting when people assume a celebrity wouldn't do something normal people do. Like just because Vince Vaughn is Vince Vaughn doesn't mean he's gonna stop eating ham sandwiches. He likes ham sandwiches. He liked them before he was famous and helikes them now. What do you think? Once the first million in went in the bank he was like "Ham and Chesse is too pedestrian, from now on I shall only eat Lobster and Cheese followed by Lamb and Quiche with mayo"? He learned the same lesson we learned from Hammer and Coery Feldman: put some money away because it won't last forever if you do dumb shit. And that's the truth.

Which is it?

Am I pushing people to not want to talk to me anymore or are they pushed to that? Like they just feel like that no matter what I say? Its an issue of something I've always thought about since high school: intention vs perception. What I mean to say vs. how its being taken. I have little control over how its being taken. If I'm talking to a person that's predisposed to receive what I'm saying as an attack, they're gonna react to me like I just took a swing at them.

It reminds me of "World Views" which I think is a Meisner thing. Its a view a character has of everyone around them like "Eveyone is just a little bit dumber tham I am" or "Everyone is out to get me." I think a lot of people in 2006 have the view of "Everyone is out to get me." Somehow I got into an arguement with someone I care about and it ended with "I can't talk to you about this anymore. Peace." Maybe what I was saying was harsh or "too real" as they say. I don't know, but i don't like being the bad guy. I don't like that she's probably thinking, "Man, Fuck, Baron." And not in the good way. Like she's commanding some whore slave to do my bidding. But the bad way. Like I'm gonna have darts thrown at a picture of my face to blow off steam.

This is a new potential bit based on a convo with friend Josh Grosvent...

Stand Up is one of the few things people think they can just do and be brilliant. Its an art. It takes years to master it and even longer to get recognized. I was watching HBO and they showed a preview of "Tourgasm" a new show starring Dane Cook. The voiceover reffered to Dane Cook as "hot new comedian" UMMM, Dane Cook has been doing stand up for 16 years!!! But in stand up years you're still reffered to as a new comedian. That's the perception that makes Dingleberry Joe from the office, or dealership, or time share who can make his friends and family laugh think he can walk on stage once and walk off with a $100,000 development deal with a major network. Amazing comedians can make it look like they are coming up with the shit right there. It takes them nearly a decade to make it look easy. There's usually someone in the audience that goes, "Hey that's easy. I should be getting paid for this." That doesn't happen with other professions that take a certain a level of skill, education and talent to do.

"Yeah, I think I'm gonna go be a concert violinist. Yeah, I been watching PBS, saw some guy playing and it looks pretty easy. I figure I'll go pick one up tomorrow and go be the first chair of the New York Philharmoic the next day."

"Yup, thing i'm gonna be a city planner. yeah, I've seen a lot of cities on TV, even lived in a few and I could totally do that better. I mean how hard can it be? I just put up a few buildings and pave some roads, right?"

Then again where would we be if some drunk guy didn't go "You know what seems like an easy job? President. I'm gonna go be the President."

Um yeah...

So on Friday June 9, 2006, the New York Post had a cover that shocked the shite out of me. A picture of the newly dead Al-Zarqawi with a cartoon voice bubble that said "Warm Up the Virgins." Wow. Distasteful. I mean, yes, its good he's dead but COME ON!

Ever walked into a store with a specific request? You knew exactly what you needed. You looked around and said to yourself, "Hey what happened to my garden shears? I needed those." So you go to a hardware store, go right up to an employee and say "Excuse me, I need some garden shears." For some reason, there are people who will offer you something completely different that you do not need, that's not even related to what you need.

"Well we don't have those? You want some lightbulbs?"

Huh? That's the furthest away from what I need.

"What about a lampshade?"

No. I specifically need garden shears!

That's how I feel about Osama Bin Laden. We continue to be offered other things, but never got what we went to get in the first place.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I got a passive aggressive automated message. I called a friend and the voice said "This customer has chosen not to receive incoming calls." Really? Why would someone chose to not receive incoming calls? Why would someone chose to not have one of the 2 primary reasons to have a phone? I get in touch with that person a little later and she tells me "I can't pay my bills." Hmm, so that means. Her cell phone company was being a smart ass. "Uh yeah, this person has chosen not to receive calls because they haven't paid there bill. Paying your bill means you want a phone. Apparently, this person does not want one. So you see, they've chosen not to receive calls. I've made my point." Quite a service.

Rain rain go away...

This rain, huh? Its crazy, eh? Whatever, its all just subtle pre-amble to the Apocalypse. At least its only rain. When its starts to be blood, Bat heads and READ magazines falling from the sky. I'll be a little scared. Indeed very scared and scarred.

That's what we have to look forward to: talking about the Apocalypse like its the weather.

(Two fishermen in Maine sitting on a pier)

MAN:
Uh oh, almost 7 o'clock. Be dark soon.

GUY:
Yuh.

MAN:
Almost Apocalypse time.

GUY:
Yuh. Best be headin in.

MAN:
Yuh.

(Cut to a local News Program)

ANCHOR:
And now with our weekend forcast here's Apocalyptic Soothsayer, Jeff Goodwinger.

JEFF:
Hey thanks, Tim. We've got a heavy Apocalypse this weekend. So I'd advise staying in. As you can see on our Demon Scan Biblical Ending technology there's gonna be a locust front coming in through Texas and up into the Northeast. Now remember these are giant maneating locusts that signify the end is nigh, not the ordinary crop eating kind we're used to from years ago. So wear a hat. And if you're plan a trip or escape to the midwest this weekend there a 30% chance of 4 horsemen with partly ashen skies. So wear shoes fit for running and carry a gun or a sword with you for I can guarantee some feistiness. Back to you, Tim.

ANCHOR:
Thanks, Jeff. That's it for tonight. I'll be out next week for I've just been possessed. (Eyeballs explode) DIEM EX MORTIS! ARRUGHTGHARUGHARUGHGARUUGUIAHGARGFIDHGAFRIARHAUAH.

Ever notice?

Ever notice how there are no old women named Brittany or Tiffany?

Of course 20 years ago you could've said, "ever notice how there are no old women named Allison or Catherine?"

20 years before that Susan or Sarah.

20 years before that Opal or Gladys.

20 years from now they'll be saying "Ever notice how there are no old women named Dallas or Dakota?"

20 years from that "Ever notice how there are no old women name RK40-thx 213?"

Eat your heart out Robert McKee

Bazooka Joe Comics are structurally perfect. I attended a performance last night of a friend named Dan Zaitchik who is a wonderful composer. He's one of those people that does something better than you could ever do it so why try.

He was kind enough to put snacks on the different tables including delicious Bazooka Joe Gum.

Here's two comics that have a clear beginning, middle and end.

(JOE and Kid 1 see Billy approaching)

KID 1: Here's comes Billy with his new watch again!

JOE: I'll fix him.

(enter Billy with his nose turned up)

BILLY: My watch is always right.

JOE: Yeah, well this watch fell in the river, a year later it was still running.

BILLY: The watch?

(while walking away)

JOE: No, the River.

~~Ooooooh, Snap!!!~~

(JOE and DUDE are walking to school.)

DUDE: I think I'm going to flunk my history test today on account of sickness.

JOE: You're sick?

DUDE: No, but the fellow I copy from is home with a cold!!

~~DOUBLE SNAP!!! CAN I GET A WHAT WHAT?!~~

I expect proofs of my thesis in my comments.

Dealing with it

I think its been a little over a month since my grandmother, JJ died.

I don't know how to think about it.

My mother and I didn't have a big catharsis. There wasn't the release of "Why? Oh God Why?" We both seemed to have a very subtle sustained sadness. My theory is that my mother and I were both cool with JJ. Every card was out on the table a few years ago and she was a very present part of our lives. So she knew how we felt about her. Most people have a family member pass away and there's that feeling of "I never got to say...they didn't know...I didn't talk to them much...etc." That turns into regret. Or maybe you didn't get along that well with the person or you fought about something that doesn't seem important to you now that they're gone. There might be some resentment. My mother and I didn't have that with JJ. We all were cool with each other.

I'll miss her more the more time that goes by. Right now it still doesn't feel that real. I'm used to being away from her. I'm used to the distance of our relationship. Me in New York and her in Las Vegas. I'm used to not seeing her for months at a time until I can afford to go back home. That's how it feels. Like I'll see her when I go back home. When I was home for the service and such, I kept expecting her to walk in the bedroom and try to scare me awake like she used to. I kept expecting to see her on the computer playing Spider Solitaire and somking a cig when I went dowstairs.

We were very close. She was one of my best friends. One of my two favorite people in this world: her and my mom. Its a very foreign feeling for her to be gone and not partake in her wisdom. She was very very wise. She taught me how to see things from many different aspects. That is part of my comic instinct. Knowing how to see one thing in 15 different ways.

It was sudden the way she died. Which, its strange to say, I think was for the best. It just happened. We didn't have to watch her deteriorate. Apparently, she had a heart attack and my mom and sisters found her in her apt 12 hours after it happened. One thing that haunts me is wondering what that last moment was like. Imagining the look of her face.

This upset me. My mother recently called to tell me that JJ had put my name on her bank account. Meaning that I get whatever is in it. It really bothered me. It felt very final. Like well "here ya go, here's what's left of that woman you loved so very much." And its not a lot of money at all. It'll be spent quickly. I feel horrible about receiving this money. I can't really explain it outside of that.

I got to keep this Dodgers jacket she had. Its in good condition. Maybe she got in the 80s or early 90s: its old school. I said to myself the first time I do stand up on a major TV show nationally I'm gonna where this jacket. Too bad Comedy Central hates me, but that's another story for another time.

I want her to be proud of me.

My Mind is Clearer Now..

At last
All to well
I can see
where we all
soon will be...

Those are the first words of the Rock Opera "Jesus Christ Superstar" by Andrew Lloyd Webber. I first saw this when i was in high school and I knew once I could sing the way Judas could, I was done. I was a good enough singer. Here's the problem. Bflat above the scale. Its a note Carl Anderson (RIP) goes to in the movie. Its the highest note Judas sings. I can get to A full voice, but i'm straining to do so. Its easy on a good well warmed up day after i haven't had any soda for a month and i've just been kicked in the balls.

Little theatre nerd trivia for you. In the movie of JCS, the very thin Ted Neely played Jesus and the inimitable Carl Anderson played Judas. That lineup, however, was not the original Broadway cast. In fact, you can't easily get the Broadway cast album. You can get the concept album/London cast, you can get the movie soundtrack, a 20 anniversary album, and the last major revival. Last time I checked, you could get the Broadway cast imported from Japan for $60 dollars (I just looked at Amazon and a highlights version is $14.98)!! $60!! Isn't there a way for it to be cheaper? I mean how about a highlights version that i could get on the internet? But no, my friends, that'll probably never happen (No it does, I just said up there....ahh!...getting choked...can't breathe...i didn't play by their rules...i didn't play by their rrrrr...).

Anyway, the original Jesus was Jeff Fenholt (who had some sort of sordid past with the band Black Sabbath and is now a Christian rocker) and the orginal Judas was Ben Vereen. Yes, Ben Vereen. The man. Let us make no mistake. Ben Vereen is the fucking man. He is the real deal. There is a recording of the show Pippin in which he plays the Leading Player where he dances and sings with an enormity that you can only call Ben Vereen. Legend has it that before that production he was in a car accident and was told he would never walk again. He is dancing Fosse in the show. Fosse! The most theatrically specific style of dance in the American Musical!! Never walk again my ass!

Anyway, now that I'm done with that very gay interlude. I will say that late great Carl Anderson did the role like no one else could. His voice is increible and powerful and its effortless to him. I wish I could sing like that. The only other thing I have his singing voice on is "Play On!" the soundtrack of a musical adaptation of Twelfth Night set to the music and time of Duke Ellington. Anderson plays the Duke and good God the man's voice is ridiculous.

I wonder though. Oh how I wonder why its ok for a black man to play Judas. Hmm. In fact a black Judas has become the standard for productions of JCS. Hmm. If they cast a black man as Jesus, I guarantee you people would raise hell, no pun intended. In high school, we almost did this show and people thought I'd be Judas since I was an ok singer, ok actor, and I had a rep for betraying people to the principal for 30 pieces of silver. However, there was no one in my school that could play/sing Jesus: performing arts school or not. That is a high tenor to sing. Rumor was we were gonna cast a girl. The moment the rumor got out, the show was changed. Hmm. Interesting.

Rambly McSpambly

Well the door to my apartment has been fixed. THANK GOD. Also, the Metrocard people called and they're gonna refund me $32. Not bad. This is good seeing how the week pass I just purchased stopped working for no reason. Probably got damaged by being in my pocket.

Few Things:

Was watching MTV's new sociological/anthropological clambake entitled "Date My Mom." This is a show when a single person (male/female, gay/straight) goes out with the mothers of 3 different potential mates and makes a decision based on the parent. Um, what?!?! And don't get me started on the very strange incestuous overtones. Um, you're gonna go out with someone because you have sexual tension with their mother?!?! There was one young man who went swimming with the mom of a potential girlfriend. A some point he's rubbing her feet and it cut to him talking to camera going, "Think about the daughter. Think about the daughter."

That same episode contains a line that makes me shutter. This boy looking for the mates is in training to become a fire fighter and one of these possible girlie's is training to do make up on bodies for funerals. When the mother tells her daughter of the boy's occupational goals, the duaghter says, "The people he don't save, I'll make look good." Say it with me: Um, What? And she says it with a perky enthusiasm like its nothing. She just moves on. Nothing to it. That's the kind of thing you say from a dark pensive place. That's the kind of thing you say when you are teetering on the edge of sanity, when you are on the verge of falling into the abyss of man's mortality.

I saw a guy on the subway tonight. Latin guy with a very angry face. He was blasting a song on his iPod. It was "Dirty Diana" by Michael Jackson. He was really listening to it. He was mad about it. I wondered who the Diana was in his life.

In Compliance...

...with the myth that the pigeons' strike on my head is good luck, I had a bit of luck today. I awoke to find that the front door of my apartment was hanging of the hinge. The bolt in the wall just gave and the door does not close. I had to leave it ajar when i ran my errands today. Luckily, nothing was taken.

Am i still in college or something. Here are some items in my fridge.

Half eaten Chocolate Cake given to me by Collaboration Town on my birthday, December 18th. It's May.

An Uneaten Orange in a Bag.

Some Italian food. At Least that what I think it is. I'm afraid to open it and see.

Some lunchmeats that i can barely see for the bags they are in have fogged up.

And i just came home with groceries. What did i decide I absolutely had to have? Why, Little Debbie's Nutty Bars and Swiss Cake Rolls of course. Also, some milk for my Cocoa Pebbles and Raisin Bran (to balance it out).

People never understand why I eat out so often.

this one goes out to the class of '06

i have a thing about me that makes people think i'm younger than i am and older than i am at the same time. i was class of '03, so there's a clue.

i recently went back to Boston to see some friends from my old alma mater, BU. These guys were freshman when i was a senior. Now they're seniors and they graduate sunday. i went back to show some support see some shows and such and to participate in a few dialogues about the future. i stayed in my regular hotel: Chez Futon of Lee and Therese (hi, peter) and hung out.

i felt like a burden. Everyone was in that mindspace of leaving school. And i mean leaving school. Its a weird feeling to have your entire existence wrapped up in school. Everything you do and everywhere you go is pretty much motivated by school. Suddenly, no school. To some people, its a very emotional experience. Especially at my school where you become very close with your class. There were less than 40 people in my class. The same people everyday in every class for four years. Obviously, you build very close friendships.

in boston, i was surrounded by people who i would say needed space. A lot of people had family in so i jetted. Also, its the last time I can visit Boston without a solid reason. No one at that school (outside of profs) know who i am and now i'll be that sketchy guy that graduated years ago who keep showing up to parties. So unless I'm doing shows (Walsh's, Yaffe - I'm talking to you), I won't be going back to Boston.

and to the class of '06 i'd like to quote my friend Josh Grosvent from our recent upstate college jaunt "there's nothing for you out there, no one is waiting for you." Oh, funny cuz it's true.

Bon of a Stich Part 2: War on Me.

After having lost my wallet this week (which has opened me up to criticism in my comments), I had another very New York thing happen to me today.

After leaving a cafe on 28th street after being accused of stealing Arizona Iced Tea ("why don't you have any napkins?" why would i need that for a drink?), I walked toward the west side. Then I was struck. Not in the face by a stranger, that would have been better. "Hope that was water," said a nearby police officer. Oh, snap! Didn't know to serve and project meant I would get served. "So do I," I returned.

I finally got up to a bathroom in a building to look at the damage. Now I should have mentioned this was no simple shit. The cop said I hope that was water meaning there was a lot that fell out of the air. There was shit on my left knee, both my wrists, my left shoulder, right shoulder blade, a little on my sleeve, and my hair. My hair which I had actually combed out today. Shit. In it.

Now I have to be clear that this is one of two things. Either pigeon asses are similar to changeable shower heads and they can go from spray to focused stream to massage depending on the mood that day, or a disgruntled group of birds assaulted me as a team. I'm gonna go with assault. It felt like I had been shitbombed. It felt very organized and deliberate.

What have I done to deserve this? Has it been the many times I've spoken out about Bush and his policies? No, who doesn't do that nowadays? Its tre chic. I know. It must be the many times in public I've spoken out about the movies Valiant and Chicken Run that prompted a retaliation from the groups represented therein. Well FUCK ya'll. Gotta go bathe now.

Bon of a Sitch

Well I lost my wallet. For the second time since I been in NYC. Both times were in the worst possible situations.

The first time was after getting a haircut up in Harlem on the opening night of this little thing I did ON BROADWAY!! I came to NYC with a show in tow which is rare. This was our opening night which meant the performance was early so that we could hit the party afterwards (actually its early for the press). After waiting for a bit and finally getting in the chair, the actual haircut took 30 minutes longer than I expected. Suddenly, I find myself running down 125th St toward the 2/3 station. I have my hair freshly *quaffed. I have a bag full of shit - don't remember what on one arm and my rented lavendar tux complete with tophat on the other arm. I'm running down the street carrying all this and reach into my pocket to get my card for the subway...um, no wallet. Oh my God. Not only do I not have my subway card, my IDs were in there and some other things I can't get back. Not cash. But smaller things of sentimental value. I track back a little, but to no avail: I DROPPED IT ON 125TH STREET! I go down into the station hoping i have enough money for a $2 single ride. I put all the change i have in to the machine and I have...ahem...$1.95. I'm like "Someone, please help me. I only need a nickel." I sounded like a beggar so people walked by me or ignored me until the first woman who walked by must have replayed what I said in her head adn gave me a nickel.

The point is I lost my wallet on the street in Harlem.

Yesterday I was exhausted. I sometimes do that New York thing of falling asleep on the subway and waking up at my stop and jumping out of the car. Anyone, who has done this know its very disorienting. You are asleep and suddenly you are walking. I was on the train yesterday with my shoulder bag on my lap. I was holding my cell in one hand and my wallet in the other. I fell asleep. I get to my stop and jump out the car forgetting my wallet was on my lap. It wasn't until 20 minutes later that I realized I dropped it. Now, this is my theory of what happened. I assume this is what happened because it makes the most sense. I cancel my debit card. I'm gonna try to see if I can get my metrocard refunded.

The point is I lost my wallet on a subway train.

Some people freak out badly aobut something like that. I just let it go. I realized there was nothing I could do about it at that time and to freak out would serve no purpose. My New Age inclination tells me I was supposed to lose it for some reason. Maybe the reason is to feel shitty at a later date.

*quaff means to drink a beverage heartily. I really need to do more research when using other people's expressions.

Moment of Clarity #28

The only thing worse than a man with nothing to lose, is a cab driver with nothing to lose.

A Few Joke Ideas.

After doing some colleges and some road gigs I am officially tired of the majority of my material. Its very very nice to know that i can do 45-60 minutes and keep people interested the entire time, but now its time to start over. Here's a few ideas I've been having...

You think anyone plays the Harlem Globetrotters and takes themselves way to seriously? There's a team in their locker room at half time and they're geting ripped into..."DAMMIT! We are 0 and 550! You guys have to start playing some defense! I don't care if they're bouncing it off their heads and shooting basket with their buttchecks. We're getting our asses handed to us by courtroom antics! Now get out there and act like you are the Washington Generals!!"

I've been seeing political messages in strange places lately. A weird one was in Disneyland when i went there for Christmas with my family. We rode on the It's a small world afterall ride listening to that hypnotic song in many different languages when we found ourselves in a section of it with no music. This section was ransacked. Houses were ripped apart. Dolls were knocked over with broken heads. You could see the little elctric impulse in their throats light up to the rhythm of the song. I was like "what is this?" It was very disturbing. We get to the end of the section and then a banner falls that says "MISSION ACCOMPLISHED" I get it. Random, but I get it.

I don't know what it is in some people (I think its genetic) that makes them not admit when they are falling asleep. They will just not own up to it. "You're falling asleep" "No, i'm just resting my eyes." "Yes I know. That's called sleeping." Its the only thing I know of where people will state the definition of what they are doing as evidence that that aren't doing it. "Did you pee in the bed?" "No, i just relieved myself in the place in which I slumber." "Did you eat all my cookies?" "No, I just devoured and ingested your delicious supply of secret baked goods." "Are you in love with a stripper?" "No, I'm just enamored of a woman who makes her livelihood as an exotic dancer." These are usually the smae people who won't admit when they are drunk. If someone said to you "You're Drunk" its because you just did something really drunk to deserve that comment. If someone said it to you when you were just sitting down minding your own business, they're drunk.