#25
If you ever see a fly on a plane, train or bus, just realize they might be travelling too. Maybe they don't mean to bug you (damn I'm good), they're just anxious to get to Cancun.
Afterthought
Why do we say to people going on a plane ride "Have a good flight." They don't have any control over what happens on that plane. Just say what you mean. Say "Don't die." That has nothing to do with the plane. If it goes down, kick, scratch, swim, just don't die. Find your way to a deserted island and put to use all the lessons you got from the movie Castaway.
#26
I wonder how many people who were staff researchers lost their jobs due to google.
Afterthought
You ever have the occurence where it seems you see the same random actor a a lot on tv in different ways or you hear the same random song so many times in a short amount of time you think "Is it their birthday? Did they just die?" I've heard the song "Wishing Well" by Terence Trent D'arby too many times in the last 2 days for it to be a coincidence. Google told me his birthday isn't until March 15th. What's the deal???
Saturday, February 18, 2006
Thursday, February 16, 2006
POOP!
I'm starting to think that "Too much noise" is the just the old man downstairs's way of saying Hello and Goodbye
HIM: Too much noise.
ME: Too much noise to you too, sir. Its a beatiful day isn't it.
HIM: Indeed it is. Well I'll talk to you later. Too much noise.
ME: Too much noise.
Oh if only it were like that. The other say I said to him. "More Noise? No Problem." Here's the rub. Sarcasm only works if you speak the same language as the person you are sarcazing. I wouldn't understand sarcasm in French nor would a Frenchman understand sarcasm in Chinese nor would a Chinaman understand sarcasm in Portuguese nor would a Portugalman understand sarcasm in English.
"You must speak the same speak" is actually the first principle of the philosophy of Sarcasm as established by the great Greek thinker Sarcasmocles who was known for sitting in groups with Aristotle going "Oh, that is sooooo smart. You really are soooo wise" after everything he said. As we all know, Sarcasmocles was the disciple of Insecureassholenes the other student of Socrates who traveled the countryside with Plato saying to him "You know what? Fuck you!! You think you're better than me? I hate you!!"
Of course the debate still rages today over whether Passive Aggressive or Aggressive Aggressive is the best way to be a dick. Guess Old Man MeanyHead will be my subject.
HIM: Too much noise.
ME: Too much noise to you too, sir. Its a beatiful day isn't it.
HIM: Indeed it is. Well I'll talk to you later. Too much noise.
ME: Too much noise.
Oh if only it were like that. The other say I said to him. "More Noise? No Problem." Here's the rub. Sarcasm only works if you speak the same language as the person you are sarcazing. I wouldn't understand sarcasm in French nor would a Frenchman understand sarcasm in Chinese nor would a Chinaman understand sarcasm in Portuguese nor would a Portugalman understand sarcasm in English.
"You must speak the same speak" is actually the first principle of the philosophy of Sarcasm as established by the great Greek thinker Sarcasmocles who was known for sitting in groups with Aristotle going "Oh, that is sooooo smart. You really are soooo wise" after everything he said. As we all know, Sarcasmocles was the disciple of Insecureassholenes the other student of Socrates who traveled the countryside with Plato saying to him "You know what? Fuck you!! You think you're better than me? I hate you!!"
Of course the debate still rages today over whether Passive Aggressive or Aggressive Aggressive is the best way to be a dick. Guess Old Man MeanyHead will be my subject.
Monday, February 13, 2006
Subtext Reparations (inkling of a new joke)
Some people say "oh you Negroes! Constantly harping on the fact that your people started out in this country as slaves and then were freed but were still unequal and how because of that today there's a huge psychological scar that effects how you are a black man or woman in America! Get over it!" Those people I usually call Boss because they're usually in positions of power.
I've devised a way to counteract the fact that reparations will never happen. I call it subtextual reparations. Every 40th white person I meet (40 for 40 acres and a mule) I go out of my way to make their lives around me a living hell. Anytime they're around me its like they're in the movie Grounhog Day always repeating their worst 3rd grade experience (depantsing every day followed by self urination). Here's the extra kick, I'm ridiculously nice to everyone else around them. The closer a friend of theirs is to them, the nicer I am to that friend. That way they never have anyone to turn to.
THE MARK: Man, that Baron is a BITCH!! He is such an asshole, right guys?
FRIEND #1: Uh, actually I think he's great. He helped me out with my July rent.
FRIEND #2: Yeah, he sang at my Mom's funeral the most beautiful acoustic version of "More than a Feeling" that I've ever heard.
FRIEND #3: He gave me some bone marrow.
HAHA, NO ONE TO TURN TO!! And when they are frustrated, all alone, ripping out their hair confused as to why I treat that way, I will smile and speak softly to myself the word "Reparations."
I've devised a way to counteract the fact that reparations will never happen. I call it subtextual reparations. Every 40th white person I meet (40 for 40 acres and a mule) I go out of my way to make their lives around me a living hell. Anytime they're around me its like they're in the movie Grounhog Day always repeating their worst 3rd grade experience (depantsing every day followed by self urination). Here's the extra kick, I'm ridiculously nice to everyone else around them. The closer a friend of theirs is to them, the nicer I am to that friend. That way they never have anyone to turn to.
THE MARK: Man, that Baron is a BITCH!! He is such an asshole, right guys?
FRIEND #1: Uh, actually I think he's great. He helped me out with my July rent.
FRIEND #2: Yeah, he sang at my Mom's funeral the most beautiful acoustic version of "More than a Feeling" that I've ever heard.
FRIEND #3: He gave me some bone marrow.
HAHA, NO ONE TO TURN TO!! And when they are frustrated, all alone, ripping out their hair confused as to why I treat that way, I will smile and speak softly to myself the word "Reparations."
an inside joke only i would catch
Watched a brief scene from the movie Runaway Jury in which a character played by SNL's Nora Dunn gets expelled from the jury. She is replaced by a young goth looking girl by the name of Lydia Deets. That is the name and costume of the character played by Winona Ryder in a little movie called "Beetlejuice"
Sunday, February 12, 2006
Sikh and ye shall find / Phlatulence
I love my puns.
Its snowing in New York. Finally. I was getting nervous there.
I was in a cab the other night on my way back to queens. It was friday night so of course the cabs were out in full force looking like a flock of misshapen yellow birds. Its black history month or as I like to call it "the month I can get a cab" -out of respect for my peoples struggle (even though 3 cabs looked at me and kept going before I got into this one). Anyhoo, I was in this cab headed home when I see a cab next to us with PHAT rims. Rims? Rims!! Ahem, why does a cab have really nice rims? I kept trying to look at them through the mild frost of the window. My driver seemed a little concerned about what I was trying to look at (does he have some maps and schematics he didn't want me to see? If you laughed at that it means you assumed he was Arabic you racist! Some terrorists are Greek you racist you.) I badly wanted to know what kind of cab driver would put rims on their cab and finally we pulled up right next to him and it was a Sikh complete was turban and beard. AND he had a gold chain around his neck. Yes a GOLD CHAIN. Holy shit.
Second verse same as the first.
I was at Best Buy the other day buying some very neccesary equipment for world domination...uh...I mean my computer and for some reason I was having Phlatulence. Phlatulence is Phat Flatulence: gas that's hilarious. You're not embarrased. Its just funny. My theory about my gas is that it might have to do with me mouthwashing with saltwater lately. Maybe the small amount i've been swallowing has given me the poot poots (I'm a kindergarten teacher). Anybay, I was looking at some plutonium...uh...disks and I let one go. There are the farts that you feel coming: the knock at the door farts. "Hello? Somebody there?" And then there are the ones who sneak up on you likea burglar. You don't realize their presence until they are suffocating you in your sleep (that's a drak comparison). This was a burglar. Before I knew it, I had let go a nasty full bodied aroma that is the closest a person could come to knowing the smell of a zombie. And I do mean "let go" like loosing control of the reigns of the Pharty Phoenix. The moment I walked away from the crime scene an unlucky Best Buy employee walked into this fog and exclaimed the very apt "DAMN!" In the black people way "DAYYYAMN!" I laughed. There was nothing else I could do. I tunred the corner and looked back in time to see the man eyes explode. My bad.
Its snowing in New York. Finally. I was getting nervous there.
I was in a cab the other night on my way back to queens. It was friday night so of course the cabs were out in full force looking like a flock of misshapen yellow birds. Its black history month or as I like to call it "the month I can get a cab" -out of respect for my peoples struggle (even though 3 cabs looked at me and kept going before I got into this one). Anyhoo, I was in this cab headed home when I see a cab next to us with PHAT rims. Rims? Rims!! Ahem, why does a cab have really nice rims? I kept trying to look at them through the mild frost of the window. My driver seemed a little concerned about what I was trying to look at (does he have some maps and schematics he didn't want me to see? If you laughed at that it means you assumed he was Arabic you racist! Some terrorists are Greek you racist you.) I badly wanted to know what kind of cab driver would put rims on their cab and finally we pulled up right next to him and it was a Sikh complete was turban and beard. AND he had a gold chain around his neck. Yes a GOLD CHAIN. Holy shit.
Second verse same as the first.
I was at Best Buy the other day buying some very neccesary equipment for world domination...uh...I mean my computer and for some reason I was having Phlatulence. Phlatulence is Phat Flatulence: gas that's hilarious. You're not embarrased. Its just funny. My theory about my gas is that it might have to do with me mouthwashing with saltwater lately. Maybe the small amount i've been swallowing has given me the poot poots (I'm a kindergarten teacher). Anybay, I was looking at some plutonium...uh...disks and I let one go. There are the farts that you feel coming: the knock at the door farts. "Hello? Somebody there?" And then there are the ones who sneak up on you likea burglar. You don't realize their presence until they are suffocating you in your sleep (that's a drak comparison). This was a burglar. Before I knew it, I had let go a nasty full bodied aroma that is the closest a person could come to knowing the smell of a zombie. And I do mean "let go" like loosing control of the reigns of the Pharty Phoenix. The moment I walked away from the crime scene an unlucky Best Buy employee walked into this fog and exclaimed the very apt "DAMN!" In the black people way "DAYYYAMN!" I laughed. There was nothing else I could do. I tunred the corner and looked back in time to see the man eyes explode. My bad.
Friday, February 10, 2006
Brilliance
One day I'll be a great comedian. I'm a good comedian right now. This is a quote from someone that is great.
"Just once I'd like to see a movie that gets relationships. I rented that movie Monster's Ball the other day and it was supposed to show you that love can triumph over racism which is a great message, but the casting was ridiculous. You got Billy Bob Thornton playing a racist corrections officer who somehow manages to overcome his racism enough to have sex with Halle Berry. Wow! Good to see people rise above the hate like that, huh? Its HALLE BERRY. I'm pretty sure even the Grand Wizard of the KKK could've walked across that bridge. If they wanted to make a big statement, it shoud've been Brad Pitt and Whoopi Goldberg."
- Greg Giraldo
"Just once I'd like to see a movie that gets relationships. I rented that movie Monster's Ball the other day and it was supposed to show you that love can triumph over racism which is a great message, but the casting was ridiculous. You got Billy Bob Thornton playing a racist corrections officer who somehow manages to overcome his racism enough to have sex with Halle Berry. Wow! Good to see people rise above the hate like that, huh? Its HALLE BERRY. I'm pretty sure even the Grand Wizard of the KKK could've walked across that bridge. If they wanted to make a big statement, it shoud've been Brad Pitt and Whoopi Goldberg."
- Greg Giraldo
Wednesday, February 08, 2006
Suger Plums Dancing in my Head
Everybody has had a dream about their profession. I wouldn't even say that, just whatever job they have (not necessarily a profession). I've dreamt about the office when I worked at one. I dreamt about CompUSA when I worked there; dreams about 3 headed customers coming in asking for things that don't exist then breathing fire and asking for a manager when I could not assist them (not far from the truth).
Many comics will attest to the fact the we not only dream about performing, but we dream jokes. I had this one dream where I was doing stand up at the church I grew up going to and there were some unruly audience members. I decided to "handle" them at the top of my set and the whole audience walked out on me except one middle aged blonde woman who put her back to me.
The other night I dreamt a joke I thought I might actually be able to use. Its a different sort than I usually dream which are absurd non sequitors (once I dreamt jokes about being a goat farmer that consisted of inside jokes about goat behavior)
Here's a joke I dreamt the other night....
I...uh...I was talking to a friend the other day trying to make some plans and I asked what he was doing that night and he said "oh you know, i'm probably gonna stay in, smoke a joint, read a book." And that made my head almost explode. Smoke a joint and THEN read a book? Are you sure thats the right order to do that? I'm sorry, I never saw the research papers about weed being a education enhancer...oh wait, THEY DON'T EXIST. I can't imagine that situation. Sitting down with a bong and a book. Smoking up and then ripping into Dostoevsky. "Wow, I think I finally understand what he trying to say here. He saying...wait...I'm losing me high (smoke smoke) ah yes I see it again." That's not what happens! You'd be sitting there scared the Brother's Karamazov are gonna jump out of the book, put you in a sleeper hold, and eat the rest of your Doritos. That, my friends, is tragedy.
Many comics will attest to the fact the we not only dream about performing, but we dream jokes. I had this one dream where I was doing stand up at the church I grew up going to and there were some unruly audience members. I decided to "handle" them at the top of my set and the whole audience walked out on me except one middle aged blonde woman who put her back to me.
The other night I dreamt a joke I thought I might actually be able to use. Its a different sort than I usually dream which are absurd non sequitors (once I dreamt jokes about being a goat farmer that consisted of inside jokes about goat behavior)
Here's a joke I dreamt the other night....
I...uh...I was talking to a friend the other day trying to make some plans and I asked what he was doing that night and he said "oh you know, i'm probably gonna stay in, smoke a joint, read a book." And that made my head almost explode. Smoke a joint and THEN read a book? Are you sure thats the right order to do that? I'm sorry, I never saw the research papers about weed being a education enhancer...oh wait, THEY DON'T EXIST. I can't imagine that situation. Sitting down with a bong and a book. Smoking up and then ripping into Dostoevsky. "Wow, I think I finally understand what he trying to say here. He saying...wait...I'm losing me high (smoke smoke) ah yes I see it again." That's not what happens! You'd be sitting there scared the Brother's Karamazov are gonna jump out of the book, put you in a sleeper hold, and eat the rest of your Doritos. That, my friends, is tragedy.
Tuesday, February 07, 2006
Monday, February 06, 2006
Yikes.
below me lives a very mean old man.
above me lives a very nice old man.
i'm caught in an old man vortex!
old man vortex had a space/time continuum
ee-eye-ee-eye-oh
and in this space/time continuun he had a black hole
ee-eye-ee-eye-oh
with a nothing can escape it
not even light
here a hole
there a hole
everywhere a black hole
old man vortex had a space/time continuum
ee-eye-ee-eye-oh
i love the fact that the majority of people in this country first heard of the space/time continuun thanks to Doc from Back to the Future. Nice.
Seriously though. The guy downstairs thinks its my personal mission to make banging noises at 3 in the morning which isn't true. There have been a few nights when i'll drop something or knock something over in my sleep. But one noise a week isn't a consistent banging every night. But try telling that to an angry old man who speaks no english except for the phrases "Too much noise!" "Please no more!" and of course everyone's favorite hit "I call police!"
You know what? CALL 'EM! I ain't afraid, beeeeyatch! I'm secure enough in my negroninity (i mean this in the sense that someone would say they're secure enough in their masculinity to say another guy is attractive) to talk to the police. I got nothing to hide. I'll simply show them that I knocked over my marijuana smoking device or that one of my black market babies got out of its cage and they will look at me and say "Sorry we bothered you!" and I can get back to making my bomb then get some sleep. GOOD DAY, SIR!
above me lives a very nice old man.
i'm caught in an old man vortex!
old man vortex had a space/time continuum
ee-eye-ee-eye-oh
and in this space/time continuun he had a black hole
ee-eye-ee-eye-oh
with a nothing can escape it
not even light
here a hole
there a hole
everywhere a black hole
old man vortex had a space/time continuum
ee-eye-ee-eye-oh
i love the fact that the majority of people in this country first heard of the space/time continuun thanks to Doc from Back to the Future. Nice.
Seriously though. The guy downstairs thinks its my personal mission to make banging noises at 3 in the morning which isn't true. There have been a few nights when i'll drop something or knock something over in my sleep. But one noise a week isn't a consistent banging every night. But try telling that to an angry old man who speaks no english except for the phrases "Too much noise!" "Please no more!" and of course everyone's favorite hit "I call police!"
You know what? CALL 'EM! I ain't afraid, beeeeyatch! I'm secure enough in my negroninity (i mean this in the sense that someone would say they're secure enough in their masculinity to say another guy is attractive) to talk to the police. I got nothing to hide. I'll simply show them that I knocked over my marijuana smoking device or that one of my black market babies got out of its cage and they will look at me and say "Sorry we bothered you!" and I can get back to making my bomb then get some sleep. GOOD DAY, SIR!
Sunday, February 05, 2006
What did I tell you?
Cable has a strange power over me.
Suddenly I find myself RIVETED by the Blockbuster smash Elektra.
Something is very wrong.
Suddenly I find myself RIVETED by the Blockbuster smash Elektra.
Something is very wrong.
Friday, February 03, 2006
A Tid TIP Bit
I was just at my local bagel shop...
(Hi, I'm the section of this entry that will express ironic disbelief at the things Baron does so as to examine a cultural sterotype. So with that said....ahem....What!? Black guy eating bagels!? Next thing you know a Vietnamese guy will be talking about his love of knishes!)
...and I realized that when I'm at a place that has a tip jar, I will go out of my way to make sure someone sees me put money in the tip jar thus ensuring a pleasant interaction the next time I walk into that establishment.
(What?! A Black leaving tips!?)
I'll stand there and clear my throat like an emphysemic choking on a piece of chicken...
(Chicken! I knew it they loved that stuff!)
...and once I have someone's attention I raise my hand into the air and make a dramatic arm drop placing my money in the tip jar.
(Uh...um...jar! JAR!? Like a jar band! Which they have in the south! You know what else they have in the south? BLACK PEOPLE!)
Sometimes I'll have a little turrets while doing it, "Thank you TIP for the wonderful TIP service. TIP see TIP ya TIP later."
(I got nothing.)
(Hi, I'm the section of this entry that will express ironic disbelief at the things Baron does so as to examine a cultural sterotype. So with that said....ahem....What!? Black guy eating bagels!? Next thing you know a Vietnamese guy will be talking about his love of knishes!)
...and I realized that when I'm at a place that has a tip jar, I will go out of my way to make sure someone sees me put money in the tip jar thus ensuring a pleasant interaction the next time I walk into that establishment.
(What?! A Black leaving tips!?)
I'll stand there and clear my throat like an emphysemic choking on a piece of chicken...
(Chicken! I knew it they loved that stuff!)
...and once I have someone's attention I raise my hand into the air and make a dramatic arm drop placing my money in the tip jar.
(Uh...um...jar! JAR!? Like a jar band! Which they have in the south! You know what else they have in the south? BLACK PEOPLE!)
Sometimes I'll have a little turrets while doing it, "Thank you TIP for the wonderful TIP service. TIP see TIP ya TIP later."
(I got nothing.)
Thursday, February 02, 2006
The End...
I HAVE CABLE!!!
CABLE!!!
CABLE CABLE CABLE CABLE CABLE CABLE CABLE CABLE CABLE CABLE CABLE!!!
CABLE CABLE CABLE CABLE CABLE CABLE CABLE CABLE CABLE CABLE CABLE!!!
CABLE CABLE CABLE CABLE CABLE CABLE CABLE CABLE CABLE CABLE CABLE!!!
Its the end for me. I'm afraid my entire act and my entire blog are gonna be about nothing but my love of cable and things I see on cable. No one is gonna get what i'm saying.
"So I was watching the Sundance Channel the other day and boy, is it just me or do films made in Lithuania and Nothern California use the same cinematographer or what? Cuz seriously folks, the somehow grainy texture yet smooth consistency of the shots were way to similar to ignore! And don't get me started on Color Relationships!"
"Tis Greek to me," the audience would say. And I would say, "Wow, did you guys just quote Julius Caesar in one voice?" And then the conversation would stop becuase they'd realize I'm making references to shit no one knows but myself.
Here's a joke ending with a bunch of references that CONFUSES the audience. We all know its great to confuse the person you are speaking to because really understanding each other is so overrated. Here's this one section without the setup or the punch. As you curious to know the rest
"...at no point in this song does Martin Luther King swordfight a Dragon which then turns into Smurfs that can morph into tiny Slobodan Milosevic's and Bishop Desmond Tutu's to create the movie "White Nights 2: Electric Boogaloo..."
CABLE!!!
CABLE CABLE CABLE CABLE CABLE CABLE CABLE CABLE CABLE CABLE CABLE!!!
CABLE CABLE CABLE CABLE CABLE CABLE CABLE CABLE CABLE CABLE CABLE!!!
CABLE CABLE CABLE CABLE CABLE CABLE CABLE CABLE CABLE CABLE CABLE!!!
Its the end for me. I'm afraid my entire act and my entire blog are gonna be about nothing but my love of cable and things I see on cable. No one is gonna get what i'm saying.
"So I was watching the Sundance Channel the other day and boy, is it just me or do films made in Lithuania and Nothern California use the same cinematographer or what? Cuz seriously folks, the somehow grainy texture yet smooth consistency of the shots were way to similar to ignore! And don't get me started on Color Relationships!"
"Tis Greek to me," the audience would say. And I would say, "Wow, did you guys just quote Julius Caesar in one voice?" And then the conversation would stop becuase they'd realize I'm making references to shit no one knows but myself.
Here's a joke ending with a bunch of references that CONFUSES the audience. We all know its great to confuse the person you are speaking to because really understanding each other is so overrated. Here's this one section without the setup or the punch. As you curious to know the rest
"...at no point in this song does Martin Luther King swordfight a Dragon which then turns into Smurfs that can morph into tiny Slobodan Milosevic's and Bishop Desmond Tutu's to create the movie "White Nights 2: Electric Boogaloo..."
Monday, January 30, 2006
Alpha Mail / Whether the Weather be cold...(2 posts for the price of one)
This post is entitled Alpha Mail. I don't know when i agreed with myself that the majority of my titles should be puns. I apologize.
After having lived next to 2 imcompetent post offices here in New York, I believe I have fixed my current situation. Apparently, one of the mailman who delievers to me refused to put my mail in my box because my name wasn't on it. He returned the majority of it to sender. This includes paychecks and bills.
I didn't know this was the problem until recently when I went over to the post office to pick up a package. "No Name, No Mail!" the woman screamed at me. There's no way I could have known this was the problem. Especially since the other mailman had no problem putting my mail in there assuming that since 80% of the mail that he got for that address had my name on it, I must live there. My name is now on the box. So everyone should be happy.
At my old address an envelope with a money order in it was stolen. This was around thanksgiving 2004. I was running low on cash and my grandmother was kind enough to save my ass (as she has done many times) and send me my rent. She sent a blank money order so that I could put my landlord's name on it. I never got it, and we found out it was cashed on my birthday of all days. My grandma called up Western Union and sent in her receipts and such and we never heard about it again. Nobody at the post office could help citing that we should have purchased a tracking number or insurance with a "serves you right" attitude.
Before we found out it was stolen and we thought is was just lost, my roommate joked about the likely probability of mail getting lost. I said "Yeah, except its a guy named Jacob Probability. He goes through all the mail an throws out every 10th letter if it doesn't have insurance or a tracking number."
Post 2:
Its a beautiful warm day. Sounds nice, right? Of course it does. Everyone likes warm days. Thing is, its JANUARY! Its the end of JANURAY!! We should be covered in 3 feet of snow! This weather is scary!! Just more evidence that we're reaching a point of no return with what we've done to the planet. We may have already past it.
After having lived next to 2 imcompetent post offices here in New York, I believe I have fixed my current situation. Apparently, one of the mailman who delievers to me refused to put my mail in my box because my name wasn't on it. He returned the majority of it to sender. This includes paychecks and bills.
I didn't know this was the problem until recently when I went over to the post office to pick up a package. "No Name, No Mail!" the woman screamed at me. There's no way I could have known this was the problem. Especially since the other mailman had no problem putting my mail in there assuming that since 80% of the mail that he got for that address had my name on it, I must live there. My name is now on the box. So everyone should be happy.
At my old address an envelope with a money order in it was stolen. This was around thanksgiving 2004. I was running low on cash and my grandmother was kind enough to save my ass (as she has done many times) and send me my rent. She sent a blank money order so that I could put my landlord's name on it. I never got it, and we found out it was cashed on my birthday of all days. My grandma called up Western Union and sent in her receipts and such and we never heard about it again. Nobody at the post office could help citing that we should have purchased a tracking number or insurance with a "serves you right" attitude.
Before we found out it was stolen and we thought is was just lost, my roommate joked about the likely probability of mail getting lost. I said "Yeah, except its a guy named Jacob Probability. He goes through all the mail an throws out every 10th letter if it doesn't have insurance or a tracking number."
Post 2:
Its a beautiful warm day. Sounds nice, right? Of course it does. Everyone likes warm days. Thing is, its JANUARY! Its the end of JANURAY!! We should be covered in 3 feet of snow! This weather is scary!! Just more evidence that we're reaching a point of no return with what we've done to the planet. We may have already past it.
Saturday, January 28, 2006
Tuesday, January 24, 2006
COMEDY IS FOR HUMANS
HEY HEY HEY HEY HEY!
Time for a new show bitches. Tomorrow, Wednesday, January 25th at 8pm.
Baron and Josh Present
COMEDY IS FOR HUMANS
at Mundial, 12th St. and Ave. A
with
JESS WOOD
CHRISTIAN FINNEGAN
and VICTOR VARNADO
These fantastic comics (google them) will be doing long sets! Watch them work their magic! Seriously, doves will be pulled out of asses tomorrow night!
YOWSAH
I'd like to make a public thank you to the guy on the N train last night that played "It Don't Mean a Thang" on the trumpet. A TRUMPET!! And he was good too.
Couldn't have been more the 22 years old. A TRUMPET.
I think everyone else on the train would agree with the hilarity of the woman next to you being jolted out of her sleep by...A TRUMPET!
Then the guy did a spot on impression of Louis Armstrong and it was good! Then he played the trumpet again with a mute. Nice job. Very nice job indeed. I looked around at the people on the train and I saw the smiling laughing faces and the guy next to me who could not fathom the fact that the combination of his iPod and GameBoy couldn't drown out the sound of a REAL TRUMPET. ITS REAL. NOTHING CAN BLOCK IT!
So thank you whoever you are.
Time for a new show bitches. Tomorrow, Wednesday, January 25th at 8pm.
Baron and Josh Present
COMEDY IS FOR HUMANS
at Mundial, 12th St. and Ave. A
with
JESS WOOD
CHRISTIAN FINNEGAN
and VICTOR VARNADO
These fantastic comics (google them) will be doing long sets! Watch them work their magic! Seriously, doves will be pulled out of asses tomorrow night!
YOWSAH
I'd like to make a public thank you to the guy on the N train last night that played "It Don't Mean a Thang" on the trumpet. A TRUMPET!! And he was good too.
Couldn't have been more the 22 years old. A TRUMPET.
I think everyone else on the train would agree with the hilarity of the woman next to you being jolted out of her sleep by...A TRUMPET!
Then the guy did a spot on impression of Louis Armstrong and it was good! Then he played the trumpet again with a mute. Nice job. Very nice job indeed. I looked around at the people on the train and I saw the smiling laughing faces and the guy next to me who could not fathom the fact that the combination of his iPod and GameBoy couldn't drown out the sound of a REAL TRUMPET. ITS REAL. NOTHING CAN BLOCK IT!
So thank you whoever you are.
Friday, January 20, 2006
While My Connection Works...
...I'll write something.
I went to see "Capote" yesterday. I've been wanting to see it for a while and i highly recommend it. I mean, come on, Philip Seymour Hoffman = can't go wrong. That man is ridiculously good. And his portrayal of Truman Capote is filled with the nuaunce and subtlety of an old time movie star. Then throw in the bonuses of Catherine Keener and Chris Cooper, a great script, and stunning direction and you got a movie.
Now that i'm done with my impression of a critic who knows what he's talking about i'll assume the role of the ass as i always do. Truman Capote was a great novelist, a interesting public figure and a member of an elite and fashionable circle of New York intellectuals that i don't think exist anymore (outside of comedians of course). Everyone knew who he was. He was a household name. He was an influential writer and thinker whose influence is still felt today.
I sat there watching and thought to myself "Who are we gonna be making these movies about in 10 - 30 years?" There is really no one around like that today not counting people who are already established themselves decades ago. Everyone knows there's been an influx in Biopics lately. From Ray to Walk the Line to Capote. There's a movie about Janis Joplin on the way and apparently Mike Epps is portraying Richard Pryor in the movie about his life. You'll notice, however, that these are people who peaked in the mid to late 70s. Pryor reached into the 80s, but his work in the 70s is very vivid in the minds of those that admire him.
Where are the current influential artists that are evolving the form in which they create? Why aren't they household names? Perhaps they don't exists. Maybe in 10 years we'll end up seeing Haley Joel Osment as Moby in "I Guess You Can Call This Music" Or Lindsey Lohan as Julia Roberts in "Neither Can Act" or Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen both play Paris Hilton in "Bewildered Whore." Only time will tell. All I know is that people like Truman Capote, Johnny Cash, Ray Charles, and Richard Pryor are Artists that more people saw as necessary to our way of life. Now, arts programs are the first thing from which the budget is cut cuz "Gee, we need some oil." Hey, there's an idea. Maybe we could get Michael Clarke Duncan to play the part of oil in "The Fall of the American Empire." I'd go to see that, if we're not all enslaved by then.
I went to see "Capote" yesterday. I've been wanting to see it for a while and i highly recommend it. I mean, come on, Philip Seymour Hoffman = can't go wrong. That man is ridiculously good. And his portrayal of Truman Capote is filled with the nuaunce and subtlety of an old time movie star. Then throw in the bonuses of Catherine Keener and Chris Cooper, a great script, and stunning direction and you got a movie.
Now that i'm done with my impression of a critic who knows what he's talking about i'll assume the role of the ass as i always do. Truman Capote was a great novelist, a interesting public figure and a member of an elite and fashionable circle of New York intellectuals that i don't think exist anymore (outside of comedians of course). Everyone knew who he was. He was a household name. He was an influential writer and thinker whose influence is still felt today.
I sat there watching and thought to myself "Who are we gonna be making these movies about in 10 - 30 years?" There is really no one around like that today not counting people who are already established themselves decades ago. Everyone knows there's been an influx in Biopics lately. From Ray to Walk the Line to Capote. There's a movie about Janis Joplin on the way and apparently Mike Epps is portraying Richard Pryor in the movie about his life. You'll notice, however, that these are people who peaked in the mid to late 70s. Pryor reached into the 80s, but his work in the 70s is very vivid in the minds of those that admire him.
Where are the current influential artists that are evolving the form in which they create? Why aren't they household names? Perhaps they don't exists. Maybe in 10 years we'll end up seeing Haley Joel Osment as Moby in "I Guess You Can Call This Music" Or Lindsey Lohan as Julia Roberts in "Neither Can Act" or Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen both play Paris Hilton in "Bewildered Whore." Only time will tell. All I know is that people like Truman Capote, Johnny Cash, Ray Charles, and Richard Pryor are Artists that more people saw as necessary to our way of life. Now, arts programs are the first thing from which the budget is cut cuz "Gee, we need some oil." Hey, there's an idea. Maybe we could get Michael Clarke Duncan to play the part of oil in "The Fall of the American Empire." I'd go to see that, if we're not all enslaved by then.
Tuesday, January 17, 2006
The Times are A-Changin'
Is it...? No! I think there just may be might be a cell phone in my near future. We shall see.
Wednesday, January 11, 2006
Sunday, January 08, 2006
2 things whilst I dillydally
I stayed up to catch a 3am showing of Saturday Night Live to see one sketch. The sketch ended up being at the end of the show. It was an episode from December 98 with host Vince Vaughn who was then plugging the Gus van Sant shot by shot remake of Hitchcock's "Psycho." The sketch featured Vince, Will Ferrell, Chris Parnell, and Tim Meadows and was called "Delco Cat Toys." I saw this sketch a long time ago and remembered howling. A rough draft of it is featured in Ferrell's audition included on his "Best of.." dvd, but strangely the sketch in full isn't there. Its about over zealous cat toy salesmen who take themselves way too seriously and feel a need to test the products to see if they "can make it move." It was 4:30am, I laughed and it was well worth it. Also, it was worth it to see the early stages of the friendship that spawned between Vince and Will.
Now that I've written that in the style of a 5th grade English paper. Let's move on.
Here's an expression I don't want to hear anymore "It was like a movie..." which is used to describe real moments that are so real, they're realer than real and can only be described by something that isn't real but captures things that are thus making a representation of real that is somehow better than what actually is.
Think of the times you've used that expression. It implies something that is very true: that we've made our everyday lives and experiences so boring and dull that when something good or beautiful happens its out of the ordinary. It can only be described using something that people say they go to "to escape." Like a sunset that looks so good "its like a movie." Or that certain events happened to work out in your favor or your mind was so clear you were clever all day "it was like a movie." That is sad. We've seen more sunsets in movies than in real life.
It also applies to horrible occurences. What did a lot of people say who saw the Towers go down? Especially if they saw it on TV like most people?
"It was so surreal: it was like a movie."
Now that I've written that in the style of a 5th grade English paper. Let's move on.
Here's an expression I don't want to hear anymore "It was like a movie..." which is used to describe real moments that are so real, they're realer than real and can only be described by something that isn't real but captures things that are thus making a representation of real that is somehow better than what actually is.
Think of the times you've used that expression. It implies something that is very true: that we've made our everyday lives and experiences so boring and dull that when something good or beautiful happens its out of the ordinary. It can only be described using something that people say they go to "to escape." Like a sunset that looks so good "its like a movie." Or that certain events happened to work out in your favor or your mind was so clear you were clever all day "it was like a movie." That is sad. We've seen more sunsets in movies than in real life.
It also applies to horrible occurences. What did a lot of people say who saw the Towers go down? Especially if they saw it on TV like most people?
"It was so surreal: it was like a movie."
Tuesday, January 03, 2006
Inspired by Benari
My friend Benari Poulten has a joke about the army commercial with the slogan "Army of One" in which he imagines himself to be the one and the only one sent into battle. There's a new campaign of army commercials meant to show you the validity of the skills you learn in the army and how they can apply to your life when you return from service (assuming you're not part of the 2100 we've been hearing about).
One of these commericals shows a group of firefighters driving in an engine. One is talking to the newbie about how others need to know "they can count on you. You know what I mean?" BOOM! All of a sudden you see the newbie at bootcamp training with his fellow soldiers helping each other through an ostacle course living up to the army adage "You're only as strong as the weakest link in the chain." BOOM! Back to him in the fire engine and he says "Yeah I do."
Another has a guy returning to a group of friends who are excited to see him. They ask what he was doing in the army. "Working with computers." They are a bit shocked. "Computers," they ask, "couldn't you have done that here?" BOOM! He's in a tent surrounded by high tech computers looking at various monitors and shouting directions: he's either in the middle of battle or an intense simulation. BOOM! Back in the room with his friends. He looks at them all and with a sober expression states "No, I don't think so."
So what is the message here? It seems like "Hey, join the army and enjoy constant random flashbacks!" Is one of these guys gonna be with his wife in the kitchen and she'll say "did you take out the trash?" and BOOM he's in a village in Iraq surrounded by children throwing garbage at him yelling in a language he doesn't understand while at the same time he's yelling "I'm here to help you!" and then he fires his machine gun over their heads to scare them away while other soldiers are going "What are you doing? Hold your fire! HOLD YOUR FIRE! You gave away our position!" all of a sudden random machine gun fire is coming at them from rooftops. BOOM! He's back in the kitchen talking to his wife "No I didn't take it out yet."
Go Army
One of these commericals shows a group of firefighters driving in an engine. One is talking to the newbie about how others need to know "they can count on you. You know what I mean?" BOOM! All of a sudden you see the newbie at bootcamp training with his fellow soldiers helping each other through an ostacle course living up to the army adage "You're only as strong as the weakest link in the chain." BOOM! Back to him in the fire engine and he says "Yeah I do."
Another has a guy returning to a group of friends who are excited to see him. They ask what he was doing in the army. "Working with computers." They are a bit shocked. "Computers," they ask, "couldn't you have done that here?" BOOM! He's in a tent surrounded by high tech computers looking at various monitors and shouting directions: he's either in the middle of battle or an intense simulation. BOOM! Back in the room with his friends. He looks at them all and with a sober expression states "No, I don't think so."
So what is the message here? It seems like "Hey, join the army and enjoy constant random flashbacks!" Is one of these guys gonna be with his wife in the kitchen and she'll say "did you take out the trash?" and BOOM he's in a village in Iraq surrounded by children throwing garbage at him yelling in a language he doesn't understand while at the same time he's yelling "I'm here to help you!" and then he fires his machine gun over their heads to scare them away while other soldiers are going "What are you doing? Hold your fire! HOLD YOUR FIRE! You gave away our position!" all of a sudden random machine gun fire is coming at them from rooftops. BOOM! He's back in the kitchen talking to his wife "No I didn't take it out yet."
Go Army
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