Tuesday, March 21, 2006
Sunday, March 19, 2006
Old Lady Logic - a solution
Psychology teaches us that the older we get, the more black and white our thinking becomes. Some things just "don't make sense" anymore. That's why the older people get the more you hear the rhetorical question "why would someone do that?" (and variations) as the grounds for a convincing counter argument against unruly behavior. That's apparently all the evidence you need - not knowing why someone would do that. Even though these are same people that made it so there are 3 Law and Order's and spend the episodes guessing at the motives for the crime, those skills of deduction don't translate to the real world.
There is a restaurant near me, or I should say was a restuarant. It closed. The signs had been taken down, the floor inside ripped out, the chairs, tables, lights all gone. It was a ghost restaurant. One day as some contractors were taking the last semblances of this being a restaurant away I heard an old lady say to the man taking away the neon sign, "Is that restaurant closed?" He paused. "Uh...yes. Yes it is."
So nice that guy. I wouldn't have been nice...
"Uh...no its not closed. Its still open. We've just taken everything away because the owner is going for a really new look. He's going for a new age sort of meta postmodern feel. That's why all the furniture is gone, the staff is gone, the kitchen is gone, and any sort of food is gone. That's why the owner is at home right now crying and pulling his hair trying to figure out how he's gonna pay for his son's freshman year of college and his wife's coke habit at the same time. That's why he's clutching a gun to his temple right now. Its all to bring you a unique dining experience."
I'm gonna start a boot camp for the elderly. Forget putting them in a home. Get them in shape. I'm gonna have a drill sargeant taking old men and women through obstacle courses. There will be running, swimming, shooting a gun, bow and arrow, kung fu, karate, judo, toning and conditioning. Once their bodies are sharp. I will be them through a 6 week course in computer technology. It will start with working an ATM, then to programming a VCR (I think my grandma is the only one in the US who knows how to do this), then cell phones, and on up to Windows, Linux, and programming with HTML and Flash. So now their minds and bodies will be lean mean fighting machines. No longer will you have to wait 15 minutes at an ATM behind someone who just wants to know what time it is. No longer will you be caught behind a slow moving body walking down a street or a stairway. Those days will be done. The elderly will not be sitting at home wondering who did it while watching Law and Order, Murder She Wrote, Matlock, Jake and the Fatman, or the Father Dowling Mysteries. They will be out and about SOLVING REAL CRIMES. Watch out America. Watch out for the GRANDMARMY.
There is a restaurant near me, or I should say was a restuarant. It closed. The signs had been taken down, the floor inside ripped out, the chairs, tables, lights all gone. It was a ghost restaurant. One day as some contractors were taking the last semblances of this being a restaurant away I heard an old lady say to the man taking away the neon sign, "Is that restaurant closed?" He paused. "Uh...yes. Yes it is."
So nice that guy. I wouldn't have been nice...
"Uh...no its not closed. Its still open. We've just taken everything away because the owner is going for a really new look. He's going for a new age sort of meta postmodern feel. That's why all the furniture is gone, the staff is gone, the kitchen is gone, and any sort of food is gone. That's why the owner is at home right now crying and pulling his hair trying to figure out how he's gonna pay for his son's freshman year of college and his wife's coke habit at the same time. That's why he's clutching a gun to his temple right now. Its all to bring you a unique dining experience."
I'm gonna start a boot camp for the elderly. Forget putting them in a home. Get them in shape. I'm gonna have a drill sargeant taking old men and women through obstacle courses. There will be running, swimming, shooting a gun, bow and arrow, kung fu, karate, judo, toning and conditioning. Once their bodies are sharp. I will be them through a 6 week course in computer technology. It will start with working an ATM, then to programming a VCR (I think my grandma is the only one in the US who knows how to do this), then cell phones, and on up to Windows, Linux, and programming with HTML and Flash. So now their minds and bodies will be lean mean fighting machines. No longer will you have to wait 15 minutes at an ATM behind someone who just wants to know what time it is. No longer will you be caught behind a slow moving body walking down a street or a stairway. Those days will be done. The elderly will not be sitting at home wondering who did it while watching Law and Order, Murder She Wrote, Matlock, Jake and the Fatman, or the Father Dowling Mysteries. They will be out and about SOLVING REAL CRIMES. Watch out America. Watch out for the GRANDMARMY.
Friday, March 17, 2006
Haha!!
There is a deli in the West 50s I saw the other day that looked like a joke from a satirical sketch. It was called the "United We Stand Deli." It had red and white strips every that led to pockets of blue with stars in it. I saw it and immediately thought it was overdone. I went in and discovered it was owned and operated by a bunch of Arabic men. They should have just hung up a sign outside that said NO TERRORISTS IN HERE, NO SERIOUSLY, WE'RE NOT TERRORISTS.
It reminded me of a thing a lot of people do, especially black people. Certain people when they are around police just start to feel guilty. You didn't do anything bad, but you start to feel guilty. Maybe there's a little sweat. Maybe a bit of a jitter. You start to feel like maybe they saw that thing you did in 8th grade you never told anyone about. Wait a minute, that wasn't illegal - just gross. You have nothing to hide! Fuck those guys!! PIGS!! Then you realize that your internal dialogue is making you look really suspicious. So you try to not look suspicious which makes you look even more so. The act of trying to not look suspicious makes you look like you just killed someone. Now you're overdoing it. Talking to the cops, trying to make conversation and be really comfortable. Looking uncomfortable though is what you should look like. There's a movie line, I think its Mamet "You know who doesn't look uncomfortable around the cops? Theives."
I ran into Tom Shillue in the street and told him abobut the deli. He told me the story of what had happened. How it used to be the United Deli. How on 9/12 the guy squeezed the word States in the small space between United and Deli. How he put of patriotic symbols up everywhere. How the place got redone and ws born anew the United We Stand Deli.
"Wow," I thought, "Who'da thunk someone would such an identity crisis could make such a damn good ham, egg and chesse." Then I remembered how good my ham, egg and cheese's are.
It reminded me of a thing a lot of people do, especially black people. Certain people when they are around police just start to feel guilty. You didn't do anything bad, but you start to feel guilty. Maybe there's a little sweat. Maybe a bit of a jitter. You start to feel like maybe they saw that thing you did in 8th grade you never told anyone about. Wait a minute, that wasn't illegal - just gross. You have nothing to hide! Fuck those guys!! PIGS!! Then you realize that your internal dialogue is making you look really suspicious. So you try to not look suspicious which makes you look even more so. The act of trying to not look suspicious makes you look like you just killed someone. Now you're overdoing it. Talking to the cops, trying to make conversation and be really comfortable. Looking uncomfortable though is what you should look like. There's a movie line, I think its Mamet "You know who doesn't look uncomfortable around the cops? Theives."
I ran into Tom Shillue in the street and told him abobut the deli. He told me the story of what had happened. How it used to be the United Deli. How on 9/12 the guy squeezed the word States in the small space between United and Deli. How he put of patriotic symbols up everywhere. How the place got redone and ws born anew the United We Stand Deli.
"Wow," I thought, "Who'da thunk someone would such an identity crisis could make such a damn good ham, egg and chesse." Then I remembered how good my ham, egg and cheese's are.
Thursday, March 16, 2006
Posty Mc Post: "Why I'm still exhausted"
My friend Josh Reynolds asked me to do the innagural episode of his new Podcast "Laugh Riot." Check it out here.
So Aspen is done and technically i'm still $50 away from being homeless (That's not true, the homeless are no laughing matter unless you saw one pee himself).
Soooo the trip back to NYC Yes. Let's talk about it shall we? BULLSHIT!! UTTER BULLSHIT!! I was to leave Aspen to Denver at 2:23 Sunday afternoon. The sky was clear the day was beautiful. Fellow comedian Lenny Marcus was to be on the same flight. Good, I thought, someone to travel with that I like. We get to the airport: fiasco. We see hordes of other people from the festival waiting for planes that had not yet come.
We do not get on a plane until 3 hours later. And we sit there because now its snowing and the pilot can't see far enough. We missed all the good weather and now we're sitting in the plane cuz there is not enough visibility. The snow clears up. We take off arriving at the Denver airport 30 minutes after the connecting flight back to New York. Lenny Marcus, Bob Powers and I deboard the plane with false hopes thinking they may have held the flight. No way. No hope. The plane that left Apsen right after ours arrived. It carried Russ Meneve, Chelsea Peretti, the Walsh Brothers, Sherry and Jacob Sirof and their baby Winter. They met the same fate.
We were given tickets and told the next flight wasn't until 7:30am the next morning. It was 7:30pm. Oh what a glorious 12 hours awaited us all.
After all agreeing that going to a hotel would be too much of a hassle we got something to eat. I got myself a personal pan pizza at a little place there in the Denver airport called "Wolfgang Puck." Just the name of the chef. Not a restuarant title there at the Denver airport. Then all of us sat and talked there at the Denver airport. I'll tell you something those Walsh Brothers can sure tell a story there at the Denver airport. Did I mention we were in the Denver airport? Chris and David Walsh told us the story of one of the first times Chris did stand up as part of a contest where he did 5 minutes to open for Bill Bellamy with feature act Michael Winslow (yes, Motormouth Jones from Police Academy). Needless to say it was torture. The crowd booed him from the moment he got on stage as a means to teach him a lesson.
We made our way over to the gate where we thought our plane would arrive. We sat. Talked. Laughed. Sat. Talked. Silence. Laughed. Talked. Shared. Silence. Chelsea asked me if I wanted to take a walk. We walked aroud the terminal with her fancy camera that also records video and we made a few silly clip which you can see here...eventually. We made these videos of us just appearing in places which were funny to us, but I'm not sure how much of that was caused by the delirium tremens we were experiencing. Is it normal laugh heartily while foaming at the mouth then bite the head off a baby Gecko? Shoulda got insurance by Geico fo yo baby!
We made it back to the gate cuz i realized the Walsh's were leaving soon and I wanted to say good-bye. We missed them. Then we sat. Talked. Laughed and eventually fell asleep.
The night was actually fun. It was pretty cool hanging out with funny people and seeing them close to a breaking point. So yeah, I was in the Denver airport for 12 hours (did I mention that), but it was actually...um...er...fun. Yeah. Sleep now
So Aspen is done and technically i'm still $50 away from being homeless (That's not true, the homeless are no laughing matter unless you saw one pee himself).
Soooo the trip back to NYC Yes. Let's talk about it shall we? BULLSHIT!! UTTER BULLSHIT!! I was to leave Aspen to Denver at 2:23 Sunday afternoon. The sky was clear the day was beautiful. Fellow comedian Lenny Marcus was to be on the same flight. Good, I thought, someone to travel with that I like. We get to the airport: fiasco. We see hordes of other people from the festival waiting for planes that had not yet come.
We do not get on a plane until 3 hours later. And we sit there because now its snowing and the pilot can't see far enough. We missed all the good weather and now we're sitting in the plane cuz there is not enough visibility. The snow clears up. We take off arriving at the Denver airport 30 minutes after the connecting flight back to New York. Lenny Marcus, Bob Powers and I deboard the plane with false hopes thinking they may have held the flight. No way. No hope. The plane that left Apsen right after ours arrived. It carried Russ Meneve, Chelsea Peretti, the Walsh Brothers, Sherry and Jacob Sirof and their baby Winter. They met the same fate.
We were given tickets and told the next flight wasn't until 7:30am the next morning. It was 7:30pm. Oh what a glorious 12 hours awaited us all.
After all agreeing that going to a hotel would be too much of a hassle we got something to eat. I got myself a personal pan pizza at a little place there in the Denver airport called "Wolfgang Puck." Just the name of the chef. Not a restuarant title there at the Denver airport. Then all of us sat and talked there at the Denver airport. I'll tell you something those Walsh Brothers can sure tell a story there at the Denver airport. Did I mention we were in the Denver airport? Chris and David Walsh told us the story of one of the first times Chris did stand up as part of a contest where he did 5 minutes to open for Bill Bellamy with feature act Michael Winslow (yes, Motormouth Jones from Police Academy). Needless to say it was torture. The crowd booed him from the moment he got on stage as a means to teach him a lesson.
We made our way over to the gate where we thought our plane would arrive. We sat. Talked. Laughed. Sat. Talked. Silence. Laughed. Talked. Shared. Silence. Chelsea asked me if I wanted to take a walk. We walked aroud the terminal with her fancy camera that also records video and we made a few silly clip which you can see here...eventually. We made these videos of us just appearing in places which were funny to us, but I'm not sure how much of that was caused by the delirium tremens we were experiencing. Is it normal laugh heartily while foaming at the mouth then bite the head off a baby Gecko? Shoulda got insurance by Geico fo yo baby!
We made it back to the gate cuz i realized the Walsh's were leaving soon and I wanted to say good-bye. We missed them. Then we sat. Talked. Laughed and eventually fell asleep.
The night was actually fun. It was pretty cool hanging out with funny people and seeing them close to a breaking point. So yeah, I was in the Denver airport for 12 hours (did I mention that), but it was actually...um...er...fun. Yeah. Sleep now
Saturday, March 11, 2006
General Experience
I have been having a great time out here in Aspen. Its been fun and difficult at the same time. For instance, the audience here is hard to read. I said a few times to a few different people that one of the biggest parts of stand up is knowing how to read your audience. "Know your audience" the adage goes. Its knowing that what plays in New York, isn't gonna play in Kentucky. Doing 20 minutes about the subway might just get you lynched (although it would take less than that for me I've heard).
BUT, the thing about the Aspen audience is that they are from all over the country. That makes them difficult to figure out in 7 minutes. Of course, having solid inpenetrable material would help, too bad for me.
I think that's just part of performing here. I've notcied that the gap between how I felt about a set and the feedback I get from random audience members is wide. I haven't really felt great about every set, but people have complimented me on the street. People I don't know that don't owe me anything have complimented me. Those are the people I care about the most. Strangers who like to laugh. It good to hear I made them laugh a little. Helps me sleep at night. That, and the horse tranquilizers.
BUT, the thing about the Aspen audience is that they are from all over the country. That makes them difficult to figure out in 7 minutes. Of course, having solid inpenetrable material would help, too bad for me.
I think that's just part of performing here. I've notcied that the gap between how I felt about a set and the feedback I get from random audience members is wide. I haven't really felt great about every set, but people have complimented me on the street. People I don't know that don't owe me anything have complimented me. Those are the people I care about the most. Strangers who like to laugh. It good to hear I made them laugh a little. Helps me sleep at night. That, and the horse tranquilizers.
Thursday, March 09, 2006
Oh Snap!!!
If i don't ski, I will never stop hearing about it when I return to NYC. I will have to drop the race card.
THEM: Did you...?
ME: NO!! Black people don't ski!!! We don't like sports in which we are surrounded by nothing but white!!! And snow too.
THEM: Did you...?
ME: NO!! Black people don't ski!!! We don't like sports in which we are surrounded by nothing but white!!! And snow too.
Wednesday, March 08, 2006
N'Yes Indeed (Also here)
The above title is to be said in the voice of an effeminate victorian-era butler who was just asked if the sugar was correctly placed into the tea. He said "N'Yes indeed!" sort of overdoing his happiness. Then he turned and walked away from the Contessa muttering the words "Bitch."
Aaaaaand scene. Last night was my first show. I was pumped. I spent some time hanging out with a former flame/good friend of mine (haven't met her husband yet, can't wait to) at a festival kick off party. Then I walked over to the show. I was first on the Showcase 2 preview.
For the last few months, I've been having an interesting nervousness before performing. It starts with feeling no pressure, no fear, but the moment before I walk onstage I get electric butterflies being chased by a Sasquatch on a Vespa in my stomach.
All was good though because all the other comics were supportive (not to mention hilarious). When DeRay...er...um...MeHay was warming up the crowd I was behind the curtain going over my set list in my head. I don't know why. This is material I know backward and forward. I went out and the crowd couldn't have been better. Very receptive. I'm not sure if I killed, but I felt good about my set. I was just happy I didn't vomit or feel sick (this morning fellow comic Neronica Tosey said she had a bad case of altitude sickness and felt nauseous). I'm just happy people listened. I'm just happy I didn't have to do my backup material which consists of weeping, wiping my nose, talking incoherently, and eventually peeing my pants while running offstage. THAT would have been awkward!!
(cracks knuckles)
Whew!
(wipes sweat from brow. Baron then looks at the screen to survey his work. Accepting that its not gonna get any better, he clears his throats and clicks "send." He then gets up from the computer and turns around to see himself in the mirror. He realizes has urinated on himself. He gives himself a knowing smile, shrugs, and walks out of the room.)
FIN
Aaaaaand scene. Last night was my first show. I was pumped. I spent some time hanging out with a former flame/good friend of mine (haven't met her husband yet, can't wait to) at a festival kick off party. Then I walked over to the show. I was first on the Showcase 2 preview.
For the last few months, I've been having an interesting nervousness before performing. It starts with feeling no pressure, no fear, but the moment before I walk onstage I get electric butterflies being chased by a Sasquatch on a Vespa in my stomach.
All was good though because all the other comics were supportive (not to mention hilarious). When DeRay...er...um...MeHay was warming up the crowd I was behind the curtain going over my set list in my head. I don't know why. This is material I know backward and forward. I went out and the crowd couldn't have been better. Very receptive. I'm not sure if I killed, but I felt good about my set. I was just happy I didn't vomit or feel sick (this morning fellow comic Neronica Tosey said she had a bad case of altitude sickness and felt nauseous). I'm just happy people listened. I'm just happy I didn't have to do my backup material which consists of weeping, wiping my nose, talking incoherently, and eventually peeing my pants while running offstage. THAT would have been awkward!!
(cracks knuckles)
Whew!
(wipes sweat from brow. Baron then looks at the screen to survey his work. Accepting that its not gonna get any better, he clears his throats and clicks "send." He then gets up from the computer and turns around to see himself in the mirror. He realizes has urinated on himself. He gives himself a knowing smile, shrugs, and walks out of the room.)
FIN
Tuesday, March 07, 2006
Live from Aspen!!
(This blog will also appear on the HBO Comedy Festival website.)
Yo Yo Yo it's Aspen!
The air is thin and I be graspin'
For a breath, yes I be claspin'
Up on my neck becuz its Aspen
People laughin' toe tappin
They know what's happenin' they clappin'
cuz i funny like Chaplin
Hello! Today I arrived in Aspen, CO for the Festival and it has been an eventful morning. First off, I woke up at 6am for a flight at 8:05. I don't like waking up early. I hate it more than anything else. Racism is second. So I hate waking up more than I hate hatred. If i had a racist boss that would point at my face and cal me the N Word daily, I'd be like "as long as you're cool with me coming in at 1pm everyday, I don't care what you call me."
So i do a quick guy-pack meaning I have a white T for everyday, 3 pairs of pants, underwear for everyday, and 3 pairs of socks. That's all I need. Anything else would be cumbersome. Besides, I was able to fit it all in a carry-on bag which made it possible for me to be at the gate about 5 minutes after i got to the airport.
I was roaming around, hoping I'd see some famliar faces then lo and behold I run into the other two comics on my flight. Let's just say ther names rhyme with Benny Carcass and Gus Masleeve. We get on the flight and sit while the flight attendant went over the announcements. Actually, no she didn't. She annouced that we should watch the video which would explain everything. Apparently the staff at an airline that rhymes with New Fighted are too good to show me how my seat belt works. I wondered to myself what happened to the young, cool, attractive attendants of the 70s and 80s? Then I realized, they are still there. They're just in their 40s now.
The best part of her speech, however, was a flashback to the 3rd grade when she noticed that Gus Masleeve and Benny Carcass were talking to each other. She looked right at Benny and sternly said, "We ask that you please cease your conversation and pay attention." Benny buried his face in his hands in shame.
Aaaaaaaand we're off! In the air! Butterfly in the sky....I can fly twice as high...just take a look, its in a book...Comedy Festival. All was pleasant and the day was grand. Benny turned to me and said "It doesn't make me feel good that if this plane goes down in the next 5 minutes, the last person I'm gonna see is you." Yeah, we have a special bond. I was looking forward to having an empty seat next to me (I was in the aisle, empty seat, girl at window), but before we took off, the girl in my row called her friend who was at the back of the plane. Her friend moved up. She was a little something that rhymes with "stover date." Not really big, but big enough that I had almost no arm and leg room. Benny later said to me, "Here's a line you can use: I don't know what was worse, the movie, or the ass of the lady next to me."
The movie he referred to rhymes with "The Manly Home." It starred Marah Skessica Larker, Duke Bilson, Turmot Fullmooney, and Hiane Geaton. Or their names rhymed with those. I think you get it. Um...it was depressing. Heartfelt, but a bummer.
We get to Denver to transfer to our flight to Aspen and there at the gate was a woman holding a sign with our names on it. She put us on a trolley that took us to the gate for the Aspen flight. Benny said, "This shows how stupid the industry thinks comics are, like we won't be able to find the gate." I said to Benny, "I think common sense tells us that a comic's sense of geography is contigent on how many dick jokes they have." I'm sure everyone in the airport watching us get a ride thought we were really special guys. I mean special like challenged special.
We wait for a while to get on the smallest plane I've ever been on. It was 9 rows!!
Like this...
row 9 - A B E D C
row 8 - A B _ D C
row 7 - A B _ D C
row 6 - A B _ D C
I was sitting in 9E!! I was all the way in the back in teh middle sitting next to fellow comedian Manny Devins (sounds like - ok! I know you got it! Stop yelling!). I was frightened. I have never paid more attention to the safety announcements in my life. I actually raised my hand and asked questions. The plane had propellors and everyone I talked to who had been to Aspen before told me about two mountains we had to fly through like we'd been punted by Vinateri up into goalposts. Never saw those posts. In fact, we we landed, I found it to be much much warmer than I expected. I was told it would be freezing. Everyone I told about Aspen would tell me something awesome about it followed by something to be physically afraid of..."Oh Man its so beautiful there - DRINK WATER!! YOU WILL DEHYDRATE AND YOUR EYES WILL EXPLODE!!! You should go ski or snowboard - WATCH FOR ROCKS AND MOUNTAIN LIONS!! THERE IS A HORRIBLE MOUNTAIN LION PROBLEM NO ONE EVER TALKS ABOUT!!!"
Now i'm here. Now it feels real. I perform tonight. Pray for me not to suck. Seriously. No, seriously, pray for my nonsuckiness.
Yo Yo Yo it's Aspen!
The air is thin and I be graspin'
For a breath, yes I be claspin'
Up on my neck becuz its Aspen
People laughin' toe tappin
They know what's happenin' they clappin'
cuz i funny like Chaplin
Hello! Today I arrived in Aspen, CO for the Festival and it has been an eventful morning. First off, I woke up at 6am for a flight at 8:05. I don't like waking up early. I hate it more than anything else. Racism is second. So I hate waking up more than I hate hatred. If i had a racist boss that would point at my face and cal me the N Word daily, I'd be like "as long as you're cool with me coming in at 1pm everyday, I don't care what you call me."
So i do a quick guy-pack meaning I have a white T for everyday, 3 pairs of pants, underwear for everyday, and 3 pairs of socks. That's all I need. Anything else would be cumbersome. Besides, I was able to fit it all in a carry-on bag which made it possible for me to be at the gate about 5 minutes after i got to the airport.
I was roaming around, hoping I'd see some famliar faces then lo and behold I run into the other two comics on my flight. Let's just say ther names rhyme with Benny Carcass and Gus Masleeve. We get on the flight and sit while the flight attendant went over the announcements. Actually, no she didn't. She annouced that we should watch the video which would explain everything. Apparently the staff at an airline that rhymes with New Fighted are too good to show me how my seat belt works. I wondered to myself what happened to the young, cool, attractive attendants of the 70s and 80s? Then I realized, they are still there. They're just in their 40s now.
The best part of her speech, however, was a flashback to the 3rd grade when she noticed that Gus Masleeve and Benny Carcass were talking to each other. She looked right at Benny and sternly said, "We ask that you please cease your conversation and pay attention." Benny buried his face in his hands in shame.
Aaaaaaaand we're off! In the air! Butterfly in the sky....I can fly twice as high...just take a look, its in a book...Comedy Festival. All was pleasant and the day was grand. Benny turned to me and said "It doesn't make me feel good that if this plane goes down in the next 5 minutes, the last person I'm gonna see is you." Yeah, we have a special bond. I was looking forward to having an empty seat next to me (I was in the aisle, empty seat, girl at window), but before we took off, the girl in my row called her friend who was at the back of the plane. Her friend moved up. She was a little something that rhymes with "stover date." Not really big, but big enough that I had almost no arm and leg room. Benny later said to me, "Here's a line you can use: I don't know what was worse, the movie, or the ass of the lady next to me."
The movie he referred to rhymes with "The Manly Home." It starred Marah Skessica Larker, Duke Bilson, Turmot Fullmooney, and Hiane Geaton. Or their names rhymed with those. I think you get it. Um...it was depressing. Heartfelt, but a bummer.
We get to Denver to transfer to our flight to Aspen and there at the gate was a woman holding a sign with our names on it. She put us on a trolley that took us to the gate for the Aspen flight. Benny said, "This shows how stupid the industry thinks comics are, like we won't be able to find the gate." I said to Benny, "I think common sense tells us that a comic's sense of geography is contigent on how many dick jokes they have." I'm sure everyone in the airport watching us get a ride thought we were really special guys. I mean special like challenged special.
We wait for a while to get on the smallest plane I've ever been on. It was 9 rows!!
Like this...
row 9 - A B E D C
row 8 - A B _ D C
row 7 - A B _ D C
row 6 - A B _ D C
I was sitting in 9E!! I was all the way in the back in teh middle sitting next to fellow comedian Manny Devins (sounds like - ok! I know you got it! Stop yelling!). I was frightened. I have never paid more attention to the safety announcements in my life. I actually raised my hand and asked questions. The plane had propellors and everyone I talked to who had been to Aspen before told me about two mountains we had to fly through like we'd been punted by Vinateri up into goalposts. Never saw those posts. In fact, we we landed, I found it to be much much warmer than I expected. I was told it would be freezing. Everyone I told about Aspen would tell me something awesome about it followed by something to be physically afraid of..."Oh Man its so beautiful there - DRINK WATER!! YOU WILL DEHYDRATE AND YOUR EYES WILL EXPLODE!!! You should go ski or snowboard - WATCH FOR ROCKS AND MOUNTAIN LIONS!! THERE IS A HORRIBLE MOUNTAIN LION PROBLEM NO ONE EVER TALKS ABOUT!!!"
Now i'm here. Now it feels real. I perform tonight. Pray for me not to suck. Seriously. No, seriously, pray for my nonsuckiness.
Monday, February 27, 2006
Another way they get you...
The clothes the clothes the clothes.
Oh the clothes. Time to get dramatic.
We've all heard the term "Corporate Dress." We all need to look "professional" so that the "environment" is "conducive" to "work." Appearances are everything.
There's no other way of dressing that makes people look more like soulless shiftless drones (except maybe bee costumes- a whole office of people in bee costumes). The dull tones and sleek lines may sometimes by aesthetically pleasing, but the purpose is sinister. You look a little like a robot and act a little like a machine which is tragic since most people work long hours and spend so much time in those clothes. They spend the majority of their day in the fashion of a drone. That's why it feels so good to take those clothes off. The wind down is very neccesary. You get to shake of that office jargon and constant attention to appearance and political correctness (which breeds passive aggresion) and put on whatever makes you feel like you and lounge around. To some people, it is an event. The shoes finally come off (tight dress shoe or heels), the tie comes undone (the little noose around your neck there as a reminder that at any moment the stool underneath you can be kicked away and you will die), maybe some music goes on, maybe the TV, maybe some ice cream...you get to decide and that's the whole point you're finally or your time, but it pales in comparison to how much you're on their time.
Some people don't wind down. They have to take work home or they're always connected thanks to the various blackberries, treos, sidekicks and other knick knacks that make you constantly connected. You're always reachable therefore you're always still working. We've happily made our time into an extension of their time. Hey, we think its more convenient! That's how they get you. We shouldn't always be connected cuz then we make our own time expendable. Sleep especially. Some people treat sleep like its a timewasting nuisance. Um, its SLEEP!! But no, its ok. Just drink more coffee that'll get you to 5 o clock.
We all know a person that works very hard and is very tightly wound. When that person parties or goes out, its usually a MESS. They try to cram an entire weeks worth nay an entire months worth of partying into one night and most of their friends end up having to take care of them for the rest of the night. Nice.
Corporate dress is the modern day equivalent to the brand. You can't brand your slaves...I mean employees anymore, but you can make them all look the same. That means they are owned.
St Peter don't ya call me cuz i can't go/ i owe my soul to the company store.
Ah, nothing better than a messy essay. Can you tell I refused to write papers in high school and college?
Oh the clothes. Time to get dramatic.
We've all heard the term "Corporate Dress." We all need to look "professional" so that the "environment" is "conducive" to "work." Appearances are everything.
There's no other way of dressing that makes people look more like soulless shiftless drones (except maybe bee costumes- a whole office of people in bee costumes). The dull tones and sleek lines may sometimes by aesthetically pleasing, but the purpose is sinister. You look a little like a robot and act a little like a machine which is tragic since most people work long hours and spend so much time in those clothes. They spend the majority of their day in the fashion of a drone. That's why it feels so good to take those clothes off. The wind down is very neccesary. You get to shake of that office jargon and constant attention to appearance and political correctness (which breeds passive aggresion) and put on whatever makes you feel like you and lounge around. To some people, it is an event. The shoes finally come off (tight dress shoe or heels), the tie comes undone (the little noose around your neck there as a reminder that at any moment the stool underneath you can be kicked away and you will die), maybe some music goes on, maybe the TV, maybe some ice cream...you get to decide and that's the whole point you're finally or your time, but it pales in comparison to how much you're on their time.
Some people don't wind down. They have to take work home or they're always connected thanks to the various blackberries, treos, sidekicks and other knick knacks that make you constantly connected. You're always reachable therefore you're always still working. We've happily made our time into an extension of their time. Hey, we think its more convenient! That's how they get you. We shouldn't always be connected cuz then we make our own time expendable. Sleep especially. Some people treat sleep like its a timewasting nuisance. Um, its SLEEP!! But no, its ok. Just drink more coffee that'll get you to 5 o clock.
We all know a person that works very hard and is very tightly wound. When that person parties or goes out, its usually a MESS. They try to cram an entire weeks worth nay an entire months worth of partying into one night and most of their friends end up having to take care of them for the rest of the night. Nice.
Corporate dress is the modern day equivalent to the brand. You can't brand your slaves...I mean employees anymore, but you can make them all look the same. That means they are owned.
St Peter don't ya call me cuz i can't go/ i owe my soul to the company store.
Ah, nothing better than a messy essay. Can you tell I refused to write papers in high school and college?
Thursday, February 23, 2006
Ways they get you...
I didn't write for a while because I liked that last post so much I had to let it sit.
Very few offices have restrooms that are easily accesible. I don't know how many offices I've been to were I'm told "Oh yeah, go down this hall then take a left then another left then another left. Then you'll see a portal. Jump into it. You'll feel a slight popping sensation in your ears which is your body moving through the wormhole. Then you'll see a giant mushroom field with a catepillar sitting on one smoking dope. He'll ask you who you are, but just say you're there to use the bathroom."
Alright, that's an exaggeration, but you know what I mean. Very rarey do you ever hear "Right outside." Next time you get directions to the potty notice the sense of self the person telling you feels. You might feel a bit of vertigo while listening to them rattle off the various turns and landmarks you may have to pass. It makes you go "Huh? What? I'm so confused...walls spinning...lights flashing...indentity slipping away..." Next thing you know you work there. You've somehow been hornswaggled into working there for longer than you want for less than you're worth.
The moment you know where the restroom is without having to think about it brings a sense of belonging. That's how they get you. You tell someone else where the restroom is and all of a sudden you're rattling off the things you once didn't understand. They come out of you effortlessly and it feels like you're outside of yourself watching yourself tell some ignorant visitor about the portal and the ear popping. Then you feel like you belong and you stay there for 10 years. That's one of the ways the get you.
Very few offices have restrooms that are easily accesible. I don't know how many offices I've been to were I'm told "Oh yeah, go down this hall then take a left then another left then another left. Then you'll see a portal. Jump into it. You'll feel a slight popping sensation in your ears which is your body moving through the wormhole. Then you'll see a giant mushroom field with a catepillar sitting on one smoking dope. He'll ask you who you are, but just say you're there to use the bathroom."
Alright, that's an exaggeration, but you know what I mean. Very rarey do you ever hear "Right outside." Next time you get directions to the potty notice the sense of self the person telling you feels. You might feel a bit of vertigo while listening to them rattle off the various turns and landmarks you may have to pass. It makes you go "Huh? What? I'm so confused...walls spinning...lights flashing...indentity slipping away..." Next thing you know you work there. You've somehow been hornswaggled into working there for longer than you want for less than you're worth.
The moment you know where the restroom is without having to think about it brings a sense of belonging. That's how they get you. You tell someone else where the restroom is and all of a sudden you're rattling off the things you once didn't understand. They come out of you effortlessly and it feels like you're outside of yourself watching yourself tell some ignorant visitor about the portal and the ear popping. Then you feel like you belong and you stay there for 10 years. That's one of the ways the get you.
Monday, February 20, 2006
Subway of the World
Anyone that's ever been to New York knows that there is a homeless problem. One of the most common places to see the homeless is on the subway. Once New Yorkers hear the phrase "scuse me ladies and gentlemen..." said in raspy drawn out manner, we know a show is about to start.
Cuz really, the homeless are as experienced as the many stars of Broadway. They have their exits and their entrances, and one man in his time plays many parts. Since they are essentially performers, I get a little Simon Cowell if I feel like a homeless beggar isn't reaching their full potential. "That was the worst peformance I've ever seen. You expect me to feel sorry for you? The only thing I feel sorry about is the fact I will never get back the time you've just wasted." And Paula is like "Simon, he's homeless. Have some compassion!"
There's this one guy I used to see on the 6 train who came into the car with NO LEGS and said nothing. He let the legs to the talking. I stood up and applauded, "Wow! Now that is the devotion needed to become the Homeless Idol! I stand because you can not!! Congratulations! You are going to Hollywood! And by Hollywood I mean you are going to eat today!"
Every now and then (and this is one of my favorite things to see) two beggars will enter from opposite ends of a subway car and suddenly come face to face. Something interesting always happens. One time I saw two homeless men start foaming at the mouth and growling at each other. Then they touched hands and began to melt into each other. They tried to pull away, but it was too late they were becoming one. Bigger, badder, and even smellier. There was a flash of lightning and out of nowhere I heard a voice say "SUPER BEGGARTRON!" They had transformed!! And it was perfect cuz right at that moment a guy came onto the subway car with a gun and was like "This is a stick up!! Give me all your money!!" Super Beggartron turned around and said "Laser Stream of Pee!" and a green urination shot forth and cut the bandit in half and his body evaporated! Then Super Beggartron flew up and out of the train like a ghost. And the New Yorkiest thing of all is that NO ONE ever looked up from their newpapers or acknowledged that something happened outside of their iPods!! Well, I saw you Super Beggartron and on behalf of the people on the W train that day...thanks.
Cuz really, the homeless are as experienced as the many stars of Broadway. They have their exits and their entrances, and one man in his time plays many parts. Since they are essentially performers, I get a little Simon Cowell if I feel like a homeless beggar isn't reaching their full potential. "That was the worst peformance I've ever seen. You expect me to feel sorry for you? The only thing I feel sorry about is the fact I will never get back the time you've just wasted." And Paula is like "Simon, he's homeless. Have some compassion!"
There's this one guy I used to see on the 6 train who came into the car with NO LEGS and said nothing. He let the legs to the talking. I stood up and applauded, "Wow! Now that is the devotion needed to become the Homeless Idol! I stand because you can not!! Congratulations! You are going to Hollywood! And by Hollywood I mean you are going to eat today!"
Every now and then (and this is one of my favorite things to see) two beggars will enter from opposite ends of a subway car and suddenly come face to face. Something interesting always happens. One time I saw two homeless men start foaming at the mouth and growling at each other. Then they touched hands and began to melt into each other. They tried to pull away, but it was too late they were becoming one. Bigger, badder, and even smellier. There was a flash of lightning and out of nowhere I heard a voice say "SUPER BEGGARTRON!" They had transformed!! And it was perfect cuz right at that moment a guy came onto the subway car with a gun and was like "This is a stick up!! Give me all your money!!" Super Beggartron turned around and said "Laser Stream of Pee!" and a green urination shot forth and cut the bandit in half and his body evaporated! Then Super Beggartron flew up and out of the train like a ghost. And the New Yorkiest thing of all is that NO ONE ever looked up from their newpapers or acknowledged that something happened outside of their iPods!! Well, I saw you Super Beggartron and on behalf of the people on the W train that day...thanks.
Saturday, February 18, 2006
Moments of Clarity #25 and #26 with Afterthoughts
#25
If you ever see a fly on a plane, train or bus, just realize they might be travelling too. Maybe they don't mean to bug you (damn I'm good), they're just anxious to get to Cancun.
Afterthought
Why do we say to people going on a plane ride "Have a good flight." They don't have any control over what happens on that plane. Just say what you mean. Say "Don't die." That has nothing to do with the plane. If it goes down, kick, scratch, swim, just don't die. Find your way to a deserted island and put to use all the lessons you got from the movie Castaway.
#26
I wonder how many people who were staff researchers lost their jobs due to google.
Afterthought
You ever have the occurence where it seems you see the same random actor a a lot on tv in different ways or you hear the same random song so many times in a short amount of time you think "Is it their birthday? Did they just die?" I've heard the song "Wishing Well" by Terence Trent D'arby too many times in the last 2 days for it to be a coincidence. Google told me his birthday isn't until March 15th. What's the deal???
If you ever see a fly on a plane, train or bus, just realize they might be travelling too. Maybe they don't mean to bug you (damn I'm good), they're just anxious to get to Cancun.
Afterthought
Why do we say to people going on a plane ride "Have a good flight." They don't have any control over what happens on that plane. Just say what you mean. Say "Don't die." That has nothing to do with the plane. If it goes down, kick, scratch, swim, just don't die. Find your way to a deserted island and put to use all the lessons you got from the movie Castaway.
#26
I wonder how many people who were staff researchers lost their jobs due to google.
Afterthought
You ever have the occurence where it seems you see the same random actor a a lot on tv in different ways or you hear the same random song so many times in a short amount of time you think "Is it their birthday? Did they just die?" I've heard the song "Wishing Well" by Terence Trent D'arby too many times in the last 2 days for it to be a coincidence. Google told me his birthday isn't until March 15th. What's the deal???
Thursday, February 16, 2006
POOP!
I'm starting to think that "Too much noise" is the just the old man downstairs's way of saying Hello and Goodbye
HIM: Too much noise.
ME: Too much noise to you too, sir. Its a beatiful day isn't it.
HIM: Indeed it is. Well I'll talk to you later. Too much noise.
ME: Too much noise.
Oh if only it were like that. The other say I said to him. "More Noise? No Problem." Here's the rub. Sarcasm only works if you speak the same language as the person you are sarcazing. I wouldn't understand sarcasm in French nor would a Frenchman understand sarcasm in Chinese nor would a Chinaman understand sarcasm in Portuguese nor would a Portugalman understand sarcasm in English.
"You must speak the same speak" is actually the first principle of the philosophy of Sarcasm as established by the great Greek thinker Sarcasmocles who was known for sitting in groups with Aristotle going "Oh, that is sooooo smart. You really are soooo wise" after everything he said. As we all know, Sarcasmocles was the disciple of Insecureassholenes the other student of Socrates who traveled the countryside with Plato saying to him "You know what? Fuck you!! You think you're better than me? I hate you!!"
Of course the debate still rages today over whether Passive Aggressive or Aggressive Aggressive is the best way to be a dick. Guess Old Man MeanyHead will be my subject.
HIM: Too much noise.
ME: Too much noise to you too, sir. Its a beatiful day isn't it.
HIM: Indeed it is. Well I'll talk to you later. Too much noise.
ME: Too much noise.
Oh if only it were like that. The other say I said to him. "More Noise? No Problem." Here's the rub. Sarcasm only works if you speak the same language as the person you are sarcazing. I wouldn't understand sarcasm in French nor would a Frenchman understand sarcasm in Chinese nor would a Chinaman understand sarcasm in Portuguese nor would a Portugalman understand sarcasm in English.
"You must speak the same speak" is actually the first principle of the philosophy of Sarcasm as established by the great Greek thinker Sarcasmocles who was known for sitting in groups with Aristotle going "Oh, that is sooooo smart. You really are soooo wise" after everything he said. As we all know, Sarcasmocles was the disciple of Insecureassholenes the other student of Socrates who traveled the countryside with Plato saying to him "You know what? Fuck you!! You think you're better than me? I hate you!!"
Of course the debate still rages today over whether Passive Aggressive or Aggressive Aggressive is the best way to be a dick. Guess Old Man MeanyHead will be my subject.
Monday, February 13, 2006
Subtext Reparations (inkling of a new joke)
Some people say "oh you Negroes! Constantly harping on the fact that your people started out in this country as slaves and then were freed but were still unequal and how because of that today there's a huge psychological scar that effects how you are a black man or woman in America! Get over it!" Those people I usually call Boss because they're usually in positions of power.
I've devised a way to counteract the fact that reparations will never happen. I call it subtextual reparations. Every 40th white person I meet (40 for 40 acres and a mule) I go out of my way to make their lives around me a living hell. Anytime they're around me its like they're in the movie Grounhog Day always repeating their worst 3rd grade experience (depantsing every day followed by self urination). Here's the extra kick, I'm ridiculously nice to everyone else around them. The closer a friend of theirs is to them, the nicer I am to that friend. That way they never have anyone to turn to.
THE MARK: Man, that Baron is a BITCH!! He is such an asshole, right guys?
FRIEND #1: Uh, actually I think he's great. He helped me out with my July rent.
FRIEND #2: Yeah, he sang at my Mom's funeral the most beautiful acoustic version of "More than a Feeling" that I've ever heard.
FRIEND #3: He gave me some bone marrow.
HAHA, NO ONE TO TURN TO!! And when they are frustrated, all alone, ripping out their hair confused as to why I treat that way, I will smile and speak softly to myself the word "Reparations."
I've devised a way to counteract the fact that reparations will never happen. I call it subtextual reparations. Every 40th white person I meet (40 for 40 acres and a mule) I go out of my way to make their lives around me a living hell. Anytime they're around me its like they're in the movie Grounhog Day always repeating their worst 3rd grade experience (depantsing every day followed by self urination). Here's the extra kick, I'm ridiculously nice to everyone else around them. The closer a friend of theirs is to them, the nicer I am to that friend. That way they never have anyone to turn to.
THE MARK: Man, that Baron is a BITCH!! He is such an asshole, right guys?
FRIEND #1: Uh, actually I think he's great. He helped me out with my July rent.
FRIEND #2: Yeah, he sang at my Mom's funeral the most beautiful acoustic version of "More than a Feeling" that I've ever heard.
FRIEND #3: He gave me some bone marrow.
HAHA, NO ONE TO TURN TO!! And when they are frustrated, all alone, ripping out their hair confused as to why I treat that way, I will smile and speak softly to myself the word "Reparations."
an inside joke only i would catch
Watched a brief scene from the movie Runaway Jury in which a character played by SNL's Nora Dunn gets expelled from the jury. She is replaced by a young goth looking girl by the name of Lydia Deets. That is the name and costume of the character played by Winona Ryder in a little movie called "Beetlejuice"
Sunday, February 12, 2006
Sikh and ye shall find / Phlatulence
I love my puns.
Its snowing in New York. Finally. I was getting nervous there.
I was in a cab the other night on my way back to queens. It was friday night so of course the cabs were out in full force looking like a flock of misshapen yellow birds. Its black history month or as I like to call it "the month I can get a cab" -out of respect for my peoples struggle (even though 3 cabs looked at me and kept going before I got into this one). Anyhoo, I was in this cab headed home when I see a cab next to us with PHAT rims. Rims? Rims!! Ahem, why does a cab have really nice rims? I kept trying to look at them through the mild frost of the window. My driver seemed a little concerned about what I was trying to look at (does he have some maps and schematics he didn't want me to see? If you laughed at that it means you assumed he was Arabic you racist! Some terrorists are Greek you racist you.) I badly wanted to know what kind of cab driver would put rims on their cab and finally we pulled up right next to him and it was a Sikh complete was turban and beard. AND he had a gold chain around his neck. Yes a GOLD CHAIN. Holy shit.
Second verse same as the first.
I was at Best Buy the other day buying some very neccesary equipment for world domination...uh...I mean my computer and for some reason I was having Phlatulence. Phlatulence is Phat Flatulence: gas that's hilarious. You're not embarrased. Its just funny. My theory about my gas is that it might have to do with me mouthwashing with saltwater lately. Maybe the small amount i've been swallowing has given me the poot poots (I'm a kindergarten teacher). Anybay, I was looking at some plutonium...uh...disks and I let one go. There are the farts that you feel coming: the knock at the door farts. "Hello? Somebody there?" And then there are the ones who sneak up on you likea burglar. You don't realize their presence until they are suffocating you in your sleep (that's a drak comparison). This was a burglar. Before I knew it, I had let go a nasty full bodied aroma that is the closest a person could come to knowing the smell of a zombie. And I do mean "let go" like loosing control of the reigns of the Pharty Phoenix. The moment I walked away from the crime scene an unlucky Best Buy employee walked into this fog and exclaimed the very apt "DAMN!" In the black people way "DAYYYAMN!" I laughed. There was nothing else I could do. I tunred the corner and looked back in time to see the man eyes explode. My bad.
Its snowing in New York. Finally. I was getting nervous there.
I was in a cab the other night on my way back to queens. It was friday night so of course the cabs were out in full force looking like a flock of misshapen yellow birds. Its black history month or as I like to call it "the month I can get a cab" -out of respect for my peoples struggle (even though 3 cabs looked at me and kept going before I got into this one). Anyhoo, I was in this cab headed home when I see a cab next to us with PHAT rims. Rims? Rims!! Ahem, why does a cab have really nice rims? I kept trying to look at them through the mild frost of the window. My driver seemed a little concerned about what I was trying to look at (does he have some maps and schematics he didn't want me to see? If you laughed at that it means you assumed he was Arabic you racist! Some terrorists are Greek you racist you.) I badly wanted to know what kind of cab driver would put rims on their cab and finally we pulled up right next to him and it was a Sikh complete was turban and beard. AND he had a gold chain around his neck. Yes a GOLD CHAIN. Holy shit.
Second verse same as the first.
I was at Best Buy the other day buying some very neccesary equipment for world domination...uh...I mean my computer and for some reason I was having Phlatulence. Phlatulence is Phat Flatulence: gas that's hilarious. You're not embarrased. Its just funny. My theory about my gas is that it might have to do with me mouthwashing with saltwater lately. Maybe the small amount i've been swallowing has given me the poot poots (I'm a kindergarten teacher). Anybay, I was looking at some plutonium...uh...disks and I let one go. There are the farts that you feel coming: the knock at the door farts. "Hello? Somebody there?" And then there are the ones who sneak up on you likea burglar. You don't realize their presence until they are suffocating you in your sleep (that's a drak comparison). This was a burglar. Before I knew it, I had let go a nasty full bodied aroma that is the closest a person could come to knowing the smell of a zombie. And I do mean "let go" like loosing control of the reigns of the Pharty Phoenix. The moment I walked away from the crime scene an unlucky Best Buy employee walked into this fog and exclaimed the very apt "DAMN!" In the black people way "DAYYYAMN!" I laughed. There was nothing else I could do. I tunred the corner and looked back in time to see the man eyes explode. My bad.
Friday, February 10, 2006
Brilliance
One day I'll be a great comedian. I'm a good comedian right now. This is a quote from someone that is great.
"Just once I'd like to see a movie that gets relationships. I rented that movie Monster's Ball the other day and it was supposed to show you that love can triumph over racism which is a great message, but the casting was ridiculous. You got Billy Bob Thornton playing a racist corrections officer who somehow manages to overcome his racism enough to have sex with Halle Berry. Wow! Good to see people rise above the hate like that, huh? Its HALLE BERRY. I'm pretty sure even the Grand Wizard of the KKK could've walked across that bridge. If they wanted to make a big statement, it shoud've been Brad Pitt and Whoopi Goldberg."
- Greg Giraldo
"Just once I'd like to see a movie that gets relationships. I rented that movie Monster's Ball the other day and it was supposed to show you that love can triumph over racism which is a great message, but the casting was ridiculous. You got Billy Bob Thornton playing a racist corrections officer who somehow manages to overcome his racism enough to have sex with Halle Berry. Wow! Good to see people rise above the hate like that, huh? Its HALLE BERRY. I'm pretty sure even the Grand Wizard of the KKK could've walked across that bridge. If they wanted to make a big statement, it shoud've been Brad Pitt and Whoopi Goldberg."
- Greg Giraldo
Wednesday, February 08, 2006
Suger Plums Dancing in my Head
Everybody has had a dream about their profession. I wouldn't even say that, just whatever job they have (not necessarily a profession). I've dreamt about the office when I worked at one. I dreamt about CompUSA when I worked there; dreams about 3 headed customers coming in asking for things that don't exist then breathing fire and asking for a manager when I could not assist them (not far from the truth).
Many comics will attest to the fact the we not only dream about performing, but we dream jokes. I had this one dream where I was doing stand up at the church I grew up going to and there were some unruly audience members. I decided to "handle" them at the top of my set and the whole audience walked out on me except one middle aged blonde woman who put her back to me.
The other night I dreamt a joke I thought I might actually be able to use. Its a different sort than I usually dream which are absurd non sequitors (once I dreamt jokes about being a goat farmer that consisted of inside jokes about goat behavior)
Here's a joke I dreamt the other night....
I...uh...I was talking to a friend the other day trying to make some plans and I asked what he was doing that night and he said "oh you know, i'm probably gonna stay in, smoke a joint, read a book." And that made my head almost explode. Smoke a joint and THEN read a book? Are you sure thats the right order to do that? I'm sorry, I never saw the research papers about weed being a education enhancer...oh wait, THEY DON'T EXIST. I can't imagine that situation. Sitting down with a bong and a book. Smoking up and then ripping into Dostoevsky. "Wow, I think I finally understand what he trying to say here. He saying...wait...I'm losing me high (smoke smoke) ah yes I see it again." That's not what happens! You'd be sitting there scared the Brother's Karamazov are gonna jump out of the book, put you in a sleeper hold, and eat the rest of your Doritos. That, my friends, is tragedy.
Many comics will attest to the fact the we not only dream about performing, but we dream jokes. I had this one dream where I was doing stand up at the church I grew up going to and there were some unruly audience members. I decided to "handle" them at the top of my set and the whole audience walked out on me except one middle aged blonde woman who put her back to me.
The other night I dreamt a joke I thought I might actually be able to use. Its a different sort than I usually dream which are absurd non sequitors (once I dreamt jokes about being a goat farmer that consisted of inside jokes about goat behavior)
Here's a joke I dreamt the other night....
I...uh...I was talking to a friend the other day trying to make some plans and I asked what he was doing that night and he said "oh you know, i'm probably gonna stay in, smoke a joint, read a book." And that made my head almost explode. Smoke a joint and THEN read a book? Are you sure thats the right order to do that? I'm sorry, I never saw the research papers about weed being a education enhancer...oh wait, THEY DON'T EXIST. I can't imagine that situation. Sitting down with a bong and a book. Smoking up and then ripping into Dostoevsky. "Wow, I think I finally understand what he trying to say here. He saying...wait...I'm losing me high (smoke smoke) ah yes I see it again." That's not what happens! You'd be sitting there scared the Brother's Karamazov are gonna jump out of the book, put you in a sleeper hold, and eat the rest of your Doritos. That, my friends, is tragedy.
Tuesday, February 07, 2006
Monday, February 06, 2006
Yikes.
below me lives a very mean old man.
above me lives a very nice old man.
i'm caught in an old man vortex!
old man vortex had a space/time continuum
ee-eye-ee-eye-oh
and in this space/time continuun he had a black hole
ee-eye-ee-eye-oh
with a nothing can escape it
not even light
here a hole
there a hole
everywhere a black hole
old man vortex had a space/time continuum
ee-eye-ee-eye-oh
i love the fact that the majority of people in this country first heard of the space/time continuun thanks to Doc from Back to the Future. Nice.
Seriously though. The guy downstairs thinks its my personal mission to make banging noises at 3 in the morning which isn't true. There have been a few nights when i'll drop something or knock something over in my sleep. But one noise a week isn't a consistent banging every night. But try telling that to an angry old man who speaks no english except for the phrases "Too much noise!" "Please no more!" and of course everyone's favorite hit "I call police!"
You know what? CALL 'EM! I ain't afraid, beeeeyatch! I'm secure enough in my negroninity (i mean this in the sense that someone would say they're secure enough in their masculinity to say another guy is attractive) to talk to the police. I got nothing to hide. I'll simply show them that I knocked over my marijuana smoking device or that one of my black market babies got out of its cage and they will look at me and say "Sorry we bothered you!" and I can get back to making my bomb then get some sleep. GOOD DAY, SIR!
above me lives a very nice old man.
i'm caught in an old man vortex!
old man vortex had a space/time continuum
ee-eye-ee-eye-oh
and in this space/time continuun he had a black hole
ee-eye-ee-eye-oh
with a nothing can escape it
not even light
here a hole
there a hole
everywhere a black hole
old man vortex had a space/time continuum
ee-eye-ee-eye-oh
i love the fact that the majority of people in this country first heard of the space/time continuun thanks to Doc from Back to the Future. Nice.
Seriously though. The guy downstairs thinks its my personal mission to make banging noises at 3 in the morning which isn't true. There have been a few nights when i'll drop something or knock something over in my sleep. But one noise a week isn't a consistent banging every night. But try telling that to an angry old man who speaks no english except for the phrases "Too much noise!" "Please no more!" and of course everyone's favorite hit "I call police!"
You know what? CALL 'EM! I ain't afraid, beeeeyatch! I'm secure enough in my negroninity (i mean this in the sense that someone would say they're secure enough in their masculinity to say another guy is attractive) to talk to the police. I got nothing to hide. I'll simply show them that I knocked over my marijuana smoking device or that one of my black market babies got out of its cage and they will look at me and say "Sorry we bothered you!" and I can get back to making my bomb then get some sleep. GOOD DAY, SIR!
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