Friday, September 30, 2005

unicorn rap

Becky Poole asked me to do her unicorn themed sketch show the other day becuz I told her I would write a rap about unicorns. Its the origins of a hunter. Here it is..

Redirect your eyes and I apologize I’m gonna tell you a story
When I get to the details about entrails it might get a little gory
I saw something bout a week ago it was really gross I’ve been feeling forlorn
Cuz I saw a grown male get impaled by a mothahfuckin unicorn
First let me get on the level they were made by the devil and I tell you that evil by the Master
And they’re cute to boot so freak and run when you see one cuz they’re gonna reek Disaster
Don’t try to pet em or feed em cuz you’re palms start bleeding indeed that’s called stigmata
And they smell it, slim, i said its candy to them (okay?) and you’re the piƱata
I’m came to comprehend it, I was drinking with a descendant of the ancient druids
Mixin drops of schnapps lager and water with all kinds of mystic fluids
And he said “hey man” right in the middle of our drinking binge
“You know my grandfather 83 was one of the ones that built Stone Henge?”
I said “no” and he said “yeah – that is wizard nobility”
“And there’s a treasure passed down which is now my responsibility”
“I’d like to show you something and it is kind a secret,”
“But before we go to see promise me that you can keep it.”
I said “Man, I hope I ain’t gonna end up dead in a mothahfuckin car trunk”
“taken advantage of and forced to forbidden love cuz I was really fucking drunk”
and he said “no, man, I got a plan, stan, I’m really being serious…
what’s more once you see what we I got in store for you you’re gonna be delirious”
So we set out in the darkest hours, there were scattered showers
And we persisted up a bitch of twisted mountains roads for hours
It was 3 in the morning feeling uneasy and queasy it wasn’t gonna yield
Right before I passed out we stopped in the middle of a field
We got out I thought I would freeze it was 40 degrees not to mention the tress
Surrounding us looking ominous reaching up like they were begging please
And I wanted to scoot saw him take a flute and he blew but there no sound
I looked down to frown looked up was astounded they all around
Unicorns, white horses with the single horn but they had blood red eyes
Leering at us, sneering at us I felt a fear in my inner thighs
And my friend said “uh oh fuck we’re outta luck it didn’t work.”
“We got about 10 seconds I reckon before they go beserk.”
So we ran and they chased us snapping their jaws wanting to taste us.
Was this my fate? They wanted us on a plate ever since they faced us.
I ran as fast as I can what can I say made it back to car.
I yelled for my friend but this was the end he didn’t make it as far.
And I watched in horror as they pierced his gut, pierced his throat and chest.
Blood shooting out like a geyser as they ripped his flesh.
But he reached out let out a shout while they ate him alive
“Don’t go for help, save yourself!” and that’s how I survived.
So I made a vow to everyone its not so fun I won’t stop til I’m done,
Ridding the world of every unicorn boy and girl with my sword and my gun.
Cuz now they’re loose to seduce you into traps with their magical beauty
I’ll destroy them all until I fall and that’s the story of my duty.

Sunday, September 18, 2005

My First Time

I talked to my ex from high school recently and she reminded me about my first time. I had completely forgotten it since I do it all the time now and have gotten good at it. Or at least I don't fumble as much as I did then.

I recalled it last night while hanging out with Jesse Joyce and he asked me how long i'd been doing it. I told him and as someone who has been doing it less than 5 years I also talked about how long I'd been planning on doing it, how I wrote jokes and did routines for my friends before I actually ever did it at a club on stage in front of people who didn't know me. Then I recalled a conversation with my old girlfriend (who is still one of my best friends), Daneal, in which she totally jogged my memory.

My senior year of high school I was involved in this project where they let 4 students direct one act plays for an evening of theatre. Somehow I became the stage manager and board operator and at the few shows we had I went onstage, made some announcements and warmed them up with a few jokes. Keep in mind I've always been a jukebox of comedian's bits. I can do at least 5 minutes of almost every comic I know in NYC. And back then Comedy Cental (which was HA!) had shows like "The A List" "Dr Katz" and various specials from which I soaked up jokes and regurgitated them to my friends with my own twist.

I told jokes around the theme of "travel" and did a joke by Marc Maron, Emo Phillips, Anthony Clark and Eddie Izzard in that order. Of course, I paraphrased greatly.

I read in the paper the other day about these two guys who would shoot steroids and work out multiple times a week. Like this was their ritual and one day one of them goes temporarily insane, decides he's strong enough to stop a moving car, goes to the freeway to do so and dies in the process. Now, if out take out how morbid this is, you have a very funny situation. I mean where were his friends when he was like "AAAH! To hell with these machines...i'm gonna go stop a moving car." They were totally oblvious to that? "Okay. do you need a spot?" So imagine you're driving down the freeway after work maybe listening to some music and all of a sudden this huge hulking figure comes out of no where and thrusts "AAAAAAAARRRGH!" And you go BOOM - right over him. What do you say to the cops? "Yeah...uh...I just ran over a super hero. Um...i'm not sure which one, he wasn't wearing his costume. What? Tell him to move the car - he couldn't STOP the car! Come scrape Spidey up!"

I like to travel. I went to Hawaii and it was nothing like i thought. I thought people would be wearing grass skirts and coconut halves on their breasts, but i was the only one.

I went to the vatican city. I'm looking at the vatican and i notice this lady all in black staring at me from across the street with a baby. And she's got 2 grown up kids too - all in black. Out of nowhere she throws the baby at me. Just throws it - lobs it through the air. I'm like OH MY GOD I HAVE TO CATCH THIS BABY! I position myself to catch it and as I am her bigger kids run across the street and pick my pockets. Take my cash, credits cards, traveler checks - everything - and then they are gone and i'm standing there with a baby. know...let that be a travelling tip for you. If a women throws a baby at you, just swat it to the ground swat it and go "I DON'T THINKK SO!"

I'll leave out the Izzard joke. Its more well known now. About Neil Armstrong's speech on the moon which I saw him do on Comic Relief before his HBO special that broke him to American audiences. So there you have it. I followed in the footstep of many comics before me that copied someone else before them. Bill Hicks who did Woody Allen bits. Damon Wayans and Eddie Murphy who copied Pryor. Pryor who copied Cosby. I just hope someday a high schooler who doesn't know he's a comic yet will tell my jokes to his friends.

Tuesday, September 13, 2005


Watching two women who seem to be old friends having a great time, even though one speaks very little English, just made my day.

Sunday, September 04, 2005

Moment of Clarity #21

Its interesting that the troubadours of old sang songs of love with an instrument called the "lyre." Don't read the word. Say it. "Lyre."

Saturday, September 03, 2005

Stop Staring!

I was walking around today listening to my portable CD player. That's right a portable CD player. I don't have an iPod. People with iPod kept staring at me like I was an attraction at a 1800s freak show.

"Come and see the 90s Negro! He can't afford an iPod and listens to different magical discs that only have 13 tracks of the same artist. He can only carry a few around with him! What a wondrous horrible creature! Witness him deal with scratches and CD stores!"

Its a CD player! People look at me like I'm carrying around an 8 track player plugged into a Victrola powered by a hamster chasing a piece of lettuce in a running wheel that I motivate with a tiny whip that is also a lightening rod in case the hamster tires or dies. I guess its just nice to know that I can add "iPodless" to a the growing list of things people use to discriminate. Yay! More options for living, more options for hatred.

Friday, September 02, 2005

I don't understand.

Somehow I've lost a $300 suit that was tailored to fit me perfectly and was given to me for free. Its like I'm Bush and the suit got nothing.

Thursday, September 01, 2005

Worship It

My bathtub is so clogged that the backed up water takes forever to drain after a shower. So I've been taking showers with my feet in water that's days old. But I say to myself, well it's no worse the the Ganges and that's a holy place. So if anyone wants to worship and pray in my bathtub, you know how to find me.