Tuesday, June 27, 2006

The Great T-Shirt Caper of 20 ought 6!!!!

I'm on a search for cool T Shirts. I want a surplus.

I've recently discovered that I don't have enough cool T-Shirts for summer. I have T-Shirts. Plenty of plain white T's, but I want something that stands on it own as a piece of clothing. Different colors, different graphics, etc.

Please if you read this and have a suggestion for a store or website I should go to to find some T's, leave a comment beeeeeyatch.

Monday, June 26, 2006

Moment of Clarity #29

When redheads wear blue they look very patriotic.

...and now presenting the closing number from the current production by the National Speech Impediment Summer Stock Players!!!

"Jesus Drist! Duperdar!
Do you dink you're what dey day you are!"

Thursday, June 22, 2006

$141,453.33 - a poem

you know what?

fuck you!!

fuck you person who went to the ATM before me
at the Washington Mutual on 23rd St and 6th Ave

fuck you person who conveniently left their
transaction reciept in the machine

so that
unsuspectingly people like me
could find it and wonder what the fuck i'm doing with my life

that's how much you have in checking?

as my jess wood says, "I'll kill everybody!"

i have a fraction of a fraction of that and i feel like
i'm in the money, honey

i have a sliver of a sliver of that and i feel like
i can eat all of the little debbies nutty bars i want

i have percentage of a percentage of that
but i still have more money that most of my friends


you put that there on purpose
you wanted me to find it

you with your financial know how
with your accountant
with your penchant for keeping receipts
with your knack to file taxes on time
with your shiny shoes
with your money put away for the future
with your money saved for the future
with your 401k
with your mutual funds
with your college money for the kids you haven't even thought about having

fuck you.

Saturday, June 17, 2006

This time of year...

...I'm reminded of the old Bill Hicks joke:

"What the hell did moths bump into before the lightbulb?"

Mr Big Stuff.

So I just saw Chris Noth on the N train. Now normally and striahgt black male would have no idea who this was (unless he's a fan on Law and Order which black men typically aren't in any sense), but I happen to have a lot of close friend who are Women or Gay Men. That means any time you hang with a group of women or gay men, there will be viewings of Sex and the City. The if you hang out with one female friend there is a 10% chance you will watch Sex and the City. 2 women and/or gay men = 20% chance. 3 = 40%. 4 = 80%. 5 = 160%. That's right! The increase is exponential!!

If you are hanging out with 5 women/gay men, there is a 160% chance you will watch that show. The extra 60% mean that you will unexpectedly be jostled out of your slumer by a phone call to test how much you retained from the previous evenings show.

So, yes. Chris Noth was Mr. Big. He got up out of his seat and I sat in it. Then I noticed a bunch of girls giggling, staring and then getting very silent. So I looked and I saw who it was. At first I was surprised he was on the subway, but then I thought why wouldn't he ride the subway? If i get some sort of notoriety, I'll ride the subway. Its convient and it something I'm used to. I always find it interesting when people assume a celebrity wouldn't do something normal people do. Like just because Vince Vaughn is Vince Vaughn doesn't mean he's gonna stop eating ham sandwiches. He likes ham sandwiches. He liked them before he was famous and helikes them now. What do you think? Once the first million in went in the bank he was like "Ham and Chesse is too pedestrian, from now on I shall only eat Lobster and Cheese followed by Lamb and Quiche with mayo"? He learned the same lesson we learned from Hammer and Coery Feldman: put some money away because it won't last forever if you do dumb shit. And that's the truth.

Thursday, June 15, 2006

Which is it?

Am I pushing people to not want to talk to me anymore or are they pushed to that? Like they just feel like that no matter what I say? Its an issue of something I've always thought about since high school: intention vs perception. What I mean to say vs. how its being taken. I have little control over how its being taken. If I'm talking to a person that's predisposed to receive what I'm saying as an attack, they're gonna react to me like I just took a swing at them.

It reminds me of "World Views" which I think is a Meisner thing. Its a view a character has of everyone around them like "Eveyone is just a little bit dumber tham I am" or "Everyone is out to get me." I think a lot of people in 2006 have the view of "Everyone is out to get me." Somehow I got into an arguement with someone I care about and it ended with "I can't talk to you about this anymore. Peace." Maybe what I was saying was harsh or "too real" as they say. I don't know, but i don't like being the bad guy. I don't like that she's probably thinking, "Man, Fuck, Baron." And not in the good way. Like she's commanding some whore slave to do my bidding. But the bad way. Like I'm gonna have darts thrown at a picture of my face to blow off steam.

This is a new potential bit based on a convo with friend Josh Grosvent...

Stand Up is one of the few things people think they can just do and be brilliant. Its an art. It takes years to master it and even longer to get recognized. I was watching HBO and they showed a preview of "Tourgasm" a new show starring Dane Cook. The voiceover reffered to Dane Cook as "hot new comedian" UMMM, Dane Cook has been doing stand up for 16 years!!! But in stand up years you're still reffered to as a new comedian. That's the perception that makes Dingleberry Joe from the office, or dealership, or time share who can make his friends and family laugh think he can walk on stage once and walk off with a $100,000 development deal with a major network. Amazing comedians can make it look like they are coming up with the shit right there. It takes them nearly a decade to make it look easy. There's usually someone in the audience that goes, "Hey that's easy. I should be getting paid for this." That doesn't happen with other professions that take a certain a level of skill, education and talent to do.

"Yeah, I think I'm gonna go be a concert violinist. Yeah, I been watching PBS, saw some guy playing and it looks pretty easy. I figure I'll go pick one up tomorrow and go be the first chair of the New York Philharmoic the next day."

"Yup, thing i'm gonna be a city planner. yeah, I've seen a lot of cities on TV, even lived in a few and I could totally do that better. I mean how hard can it be? I just put up a few buildings and pave some roads, right?"

Then again where would we be if some drunk guy didn't go "You know what seems like an easy job? President. I'm gonna go be the President."

Sunday, June 11, 2006

Um yeah...

So on Friday June 9, 2006, the New York Post had a cover that shocked the shite out of me. A picture of the newly dead Al-Zarqawi with a cartoon voice bubble that said "Warm Up the Virgins." Wow. Distasteful. I mean, yes, its good he's dead but COME ON!

Ever walked into a store with a specific request? You knew exactly what you needed. You looked around and said to yourself, "Hey what happened to my garden shears? I needed those." So you go to a hardware store, go right up to an employee and say "Excuse me, I need some garden shears." For some reason, there are people who will offer you something completely different that you do not need, that's not even related to what you need.

"Well we don't have those? You want some lightbulbs?"

Huh? That's the furthest away from what I need.

"What about a lampshade?"

No. I specifically need garden shears!

That's how I feel about Osama Bin Laden. We continue to be offered other things, but never got what we went to get in the first place.

I got a passive aggressive automated message. I called a friend and the voice said "This customer has chosen not to receive incoming calls." Really? Why would someone chose to not receive incoming calls? Why would someone chose to not have one of the 2 primary reasons to have a phone? I get in touch with that person a little later and she tells me "I can't pay my bills." Hmm, so that means. Her cell phone company was being a smart ass. "Uh yeah, this person has chosen not to receive calls because they haven't paid there bill. Paying your bill means you want a phone. Apparently, this person does not want one. So you see, they've chosen not to receive calls. I've made my point." Quite a service.

Sunday, June 04, 2006

Rain rain go away...

This rain, huh? Its crazy, eh? Whatever, its all just subtle pre-amble to the Apocalypse. At least its only rain. When its starts to be blood, Bat heads and READ magazines falling from the sky. I'll be a little scared. Indeed very scared and scarred.

That's what we have to look forward to: talking about the Apocalypse like its the weather.

(Two fishermen in Maine sitting on a pier)

Uh oh, almost 7 o'clock. Be dark soon.


Almost Apocalypse time.

Yuh. Best be headin in.


(Cut to a local News Program)

And now with our weekend forcast here's Apocalyptic Soothsayer, Jeff Goodwinger.

Hey thanks, Tim. We've got a heavy Apocalypse this weekend. So I'd advise staying in. As you can see on our Demon Scan Biblical Ending technology there's gonna be a locust front coming in through Texas and up into the Northeast. Now remember these are giant maneating locusts that signify the end is nigh, not the ordinary crop eating kind we're used to from years ago. So wear a hat. And if you're plan a trip or escape to the midwest this weekend there a 30% chance of 4 horsemen with partly ashen skies. So wear shoes fit for running and carry a gun or a sword with you for I can guarantee some feistiness. Back to you, Tim.

Thanks, Jeff. That's it for tonight. I'll be out next week for I've just been possessed. (Eyeballs explode) DIEM EX MORTIS! ARRUGHTGHARUGHARUGHGARUUGUIAHGARGFIDHGAFRIARHAUAH.