Wednesday, July 20, 2005
Moment of Clarity #14
I would have liked to be there when Jason Hellman's, Dan Best Foods, and Jacob Miracle Whip had lunch together and unanimously exclaimed "What this sandwich is missing is SUGARY LARD!!"
i hope this makes women even more self concious about their bodies
When i'm on the subway and i see a girl with a short skirt on i think
"Mmm. I can't wait to get behind her on the exit stairs"
"Mmm. I can't wait to get behind her on the exit stairs"
A good line for something.
A good line for a script of some sort.
"Yeah you're not really judgemental because you're so egoccentric. It's hard to criticize others when you only talk about yourself."
"Yeah you're not really judgemental because you're so egoccentric. It's hard to criticize others when you only talk about yourself."
Sunday, July 17, 2005
When Oh When?
A lof of cab drivers live in my neighborhood. I've been seeing more and more cabs parked in front of place late at night and into the day. I've been waiting for this to happen...
DRIVER
Where are you going?
ME
Um...I'm going to Queens, 30th St and Broadway in Astoria?
DRIVER
No Way! That is where I live!
ME
Oh?
DRIVER
Yes! We are neighbors! We are friends now!
ME
Uh...
DRIVER
Yes! We must go for coffee during day and play the basketball, eh?
ME
I...
DRIVER
HAHA! We are now best of friends. You come over we play X-Box?
ME
Not sure if that would be a good idea.
DRIVER
Why not? I am neighbor! We have good fun time together. Hey, you must meet my daughter. She is beautiful. She is just at right age to be married. She make you good wife!
ME
Whoa whoa whoa...I'm not marrying anyone just yet - gotta picture?
DRIVER
Yes! Here. Here is picture. Beatiful yes.
ME
What the...?! This girl is like 15!!
DRIVER
13, but give her some time and she will be ripe for marriage, eh? Know what I mean ripe?
ME
Yo, man, you're talking about your own daughter!
DRIVER
What is problem? She is woman! Woman have needs! I am modern man: I can not deny this.
ME
Dude, just take me where I want to go.
DRIVER
HEY! I know where fuck you live!
ME
What?
DRIVER
Where you live! I know where you live! You don't fuck with me! I come and find you and cut off balls with shank and give them to my daughter as necklace.
ME
Come to think of it, X-Box is quite relaxing. And your daughter is quite the looker.
DRIVER
She is gorgeous, my friend.
ME
That's what I meant: gorgeous. So grown up for her age.
DRIVER
You make me happy, friend neighbor! Hey, I no charge you for this. I'll say I was going home. You come for dinner yes?
ME
Now? Tonight?
DRIVER
Where did I put shank?
ME
Of course i'm coming. Looking forward to it.
DRIVER
Good! Can not wait to show my wife her new son in law!
DRIVER
Where are you going?
ME
Um...I'm going to Queens, 30th St and Broadway in Astoria?
DRIVER
No Way! That is where I live!
ME
Oh?
DRIVER
Yes! We are neighbors! We are friends now!
ME
Uh...
DRIVER
Yes! We must go for coffee during day and play the basketball, eh?
ME
I...
DRIVER
HAHA! We are now best of friends. You come over we play X-Box?
ME
Not sure if that would be a good idea.
DRIVER
Why not? I am neighbor! We have good fun time together. Hey, you must meet my daughter. She is beautiful. She is just at right age to be married. She make you good wife!
ME
Whoa whoa whoa...I'm not marrying anyone just yet - gotta picture?
DRIVER
Yes! Here. Here is picture. Beatiful yes.
ME
What the...?! This girl is like 15!!
DRIVER
13, but give her some time and she will be ripe for marriage, eh? Know what I mean ripe?
ME
Yo, man, you're talking about your own daughter!
DRIVER
What is problem? She is woman! Woman have needs! I am modern man: I can not deny this.
ME
Dude, just take me where I want to go.
DRIVER
HEY! I know where fuck you live!
ME
What?
DRIVER
Where you live! I know where you live! You don't fuck with me! I come and find you and cut off balls with shank and give them to my daughter as necklace.
ME
Come to think of it, X-Box is quite relaxing. And your daughter is quite the looker.
DRIVER
She is gorgeous, my friend.
ME
That's what I meant: gorgeous. So grown up for her age.
DRIVER
You make me happy, friend neighbor! Hey, I no charge you for this. I'll say I was going home. You come for dinner yes?
ME
Now? Tonight?
DRIVER
Where did I put shank?
ME
Of course i'm coming. Looking forward to it.
DRIVER
Good! Can not wait to show my wife her new son in law!
Yes the last post was long...
Deal with it. Its over now. Anyway, I seem to have 10 days left until I do my one man show. IN a world littered with one person shows, I can only hope mine will be remotely interesting.
Read about it. Even though this isn't what its about.
Here's the schedule. The 30th and 31st have been cancelled.
Get a ticket. Yes, I said you gotta get tickets. Pay up, son!
Read about it. Even though this isn't what its about.
Here's the schedule. The 30th and 31st have been cancelled.
Get a ticket. Yes, I said you gotta get tickets. Pay up, son!
Thursday, July 14, 2005
Goin Strong
Since Saturday I've had a very interesting comedy schedule. Here's a little diary of it all. Warning: I will name drop a bunch of comics.
On Saturday
I meet fellow comic Jen Dziura to talk about comedy over food at a place in the East Village called Dojo. We seem to hit it off pretty well and talked about many different thing indeed. I convince her to go to a 12:30am show at Gotham Comedy Club where we end up seeing Lenny Marcus, Robin Montague, Russ Meneve and Dwayne Perkins. Great show. The crowd was huge. It was 12:30am on a saturday and the place was packed. I was surprised that the staff at Gotham recognized me and knew my name. My ego rested at proper size.
Sunday
Went to the Pro Shop at Sin Sin. I got there late so I missed the great talent of Mizzes Rachel Feinstein and Karith Foster. Eric Kirchberger was on stage when I walked in and the audience was loving him. I noticed that Ms. Dziura was there in the audience with her boyfriend. I had mentioned the show to her and quite pleased that she has come. I sat with the comics and watched them go over there notes. Well only Ophira was. Dan Newbower sat patiently waiting to close the show and Blaine Perry waited at the bar for he was next. The show ended with a Lukewarm response to Mr. Newbower's set which was surprising to me because the first time I saw him I howled. I was happy he was there because I had been wanting to give him more stage time. The audience got strangely sensitive toward the end of the night and took it out on Dan. Fuck 'em I say. Afterwards, I chatted outside with Jen, Ophira, Dan and Elon until the luscious Rachel Kramer Bussel came over with some cupcakes. I ended up walking Rachel to the L train and riding out to Williamsburg with her (I was meeting a friend). The surprise of the night was James Smith an Australian comic on his way to Montreal for the festival. He was brilliant.
Monday
Ripple Bar. Ripple has become a difficult crowd. They still like me though. Maybe because they liked me before they were jaded. The regulars seem to think the show is about hating the comics now and they intimidate the new audience member's from reacting. Mr. Larry Bailey was strong as usual. Ray Rivera was first. Lukewarm response. Then my friend Josh Grosvent. He did not have his guitar which he usually uses and did straight stand up. That's when the hatred really started. Needless to say he was a little shaked afterwards. Then a gentle named Remy got up and played with the crowd a bit which they loved but then he started his material and they stared at him. That's when I realized that audience had become arrogant and expected the show to be about them the entire time. The wanted continous crowd work and nothing else. Elon went up and did crowd work and some material. He did quite well. Then Roger Hailes closed out the show. He committed to his ideas and premises and the crowd eventually came with him. I took the train back with Mike Cotayo, Josh and my friend Chanelle and we talked about what the deal is with that room now. I said the room used to be great, but now that its commonplace, people take it for granted. It was confusing for us because it was like a couple fighting. The audience wanted something else and we wanted it to be like the good ol days. Indeed. The only real laughs I got were at the end when I thanked the audience at the end for "making this a Stand Up tragedy Show. I know a lot of you were waiting for my to poke out my eyes. Fuck you." They laughed. I still regard it as a bomb.
Tuesday
Jen Dziura calls me saying she has tickets for the Daily Show and do I want to go. FUCK YEAH! Wem meet up at 3:30ish and wait in line for 2 and a half hours (This is after Jen had already been on a waiting list for 6 months). They open the doors and herd us into a small holding room. Quite claustrophobic indeed. On the way in, I notice Todd Levin and salute him. He salutes back. After a 20 minutes wait in the holding room, we are let into the studio. To watch the show. Drew Fraser warm up the audience. He is the warm up man. Every TV comedy taping I've been to, he is the warm up man. When I went to see Premium Blend and the HBO tapings, he was there. he introduces Mr. Jon Stewart who take and Q&A session and riffs with the audience for a bit. Jon Stewart simply is fucking hilarious. the show begins. Quite a surreal post modern experience. Even though we are actually i nthe studio with the real Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert not far from us, most people end up watching the TV monitors hanging from the ceiling that show was is going to be broadcast. It was realer to us to watch the TV even though were were at the real event. Also, there were no bad seats. Everyone had a clear view on Jon and the TV's were far away enough that he looked the same in person and on the box. Interesting indeed. Tv was realer than the real. Only in 2005.
I ruch to Williamburg afterwards for my show. Feeling good about some material i had written that day we start the show. I get a few laughs but nothing special. I regard it as a bomb. However, Dante Nero, Karith Foster, Benari Poulten, Susan Prekel and Roger Hailes destroyed. I think it was our 2nd best show there. The audience could not get enough of Susan Prekel. They would have followed her into the bowels of Hades after her set. HADES!
Wednesday
The Cobble Hill show. It was intense. The crowd responded well to most of the comics. Particularly, Dan Allen and James Smith who I thought would have not been well received by an all black crowd. The previous show could be considered the "Chitlin Circuit." So the space was actually double booked with our comic and theirs. I went on last and completely tanked. I went over like the Hindenburg full of anvils and the Weight Watcher's initiation clogging party during a hurricane in the alps. The only other comic who suffered the same fate was Michelle Buteau who was unlucky enough to follow Roz G who ripped that audience a new one. I bombed. Benari showed up at the end of the show and we walked outside because I didn't want to have to face the audience. Dan Allen and I drove back to Queens and talked over a late night Diner Dinner.
SO I bombed/tanked/died three nights in a row. Lovely.
I hope the government doesn't google the word bomb and end up at my door to ask questions. Still, it would feel better than last night.
On Saturday
I meet fellow comic Jen Dziura to talk about comedy over food at a place in the East Village called Dojo. We seem to hit it off pretty well and talked about many different thing indeed. I convince her to go to a 12:30am show at Gotham Comedy Club where we end up seeing Lenny Marcus, Robin Montague, Russ Meneve and Dwayne Perkins. Great show. The crowd was huge. It was 12:30am on a saturday and the place was packed. I was surprised that the staff at Gotham recognized me and knew my name. My ego rested at proper size.
Sunday
Went to the Pro Shop at Sin Sin. I got there late so I missed the great talent of Mizzes Rachel Feinstein and Karith Foster. Eric Kirchberger was on stage when I walked in and the audience was loving him. I noticed that Ms. Dziura was there in the audience with her boyfriend. I had mentioned the show to her and quite pleased that she has come. I sat with the comics and watched them go over there notes. Well only Ophira was. Dan Newbower sat patiently waiting to close the show and Blaine Perry waited at the bar for he was next. The show ended with a Lukewarm response to Mr. Newbower's set which was surprising to me because the first time I saw him I howled. I was happy he was there because I had been wanting to give him more stage time. The audience got strangely sensitive toward the end of the night and took it out on Dan. Fuck 'em I say. Afterwards, I chatted outside with Jen, Ophira, Dan and Elon until the luscious Rachel Kramer Bussel came over with some cupcakes. I ended up walking Rachel to the L train and riding out to Williamsburg with her (I was meeting a friend). The surprise of the night was James Smith an Australian comic on his way to Montreal for the festival. He was brilliant.
Monday
Ripple Bar. Ripple has become a difficult crowd. They still like me though. Maybe because they liked me before they were jaded. The regulars seem to think the show is about hating the comics now and they intimidate the new audience member's from reacting. Mr. Larry Bailey was strong as usual. Ray Rivera was first. Lukewarm response. Then my friend Josh Grosvent. He did not have his guitar which he usually uses and did straight stand up. That's when the hatred really started. Needless to say he was a little shaked afterwards. Then a gentle named Remy got up and played with the crowd a bit which they loved but then he started his material and they stared at him. That's when I realized that audience had become arrogant and expected the show to be about them the entire time. The wanted continous crowd work and nothing else. Elon went up and did crowd work and some material. He did quite well. Then Roger Hailes closed out the show. He committed to his ideas and premises and the crowd eventually came with him. I took the train back with Mike Cotayo, Josh and my friend Chanelle and we talked about what the deal is with that room now. I said the room used to be great, but now that its commonplace, people take it for granted. It was confusing for us because it was like a couple fighting. The audience wanted something else and we wanted it to be like the good ol days. Indeed. The only real laughs I got were at the end when I thanked the audience at the end for "making this a Stand Up tragedy Show. I know a lot of you were waiting for my to poke out my eyes. Fuck you." They laughed. I still regard it as a bomb.
Tuesday
Jen Dziura calls me saying she has tickets for the Daily Show and do I want to go. FUCK YEAH! Wem meet up at 3:30ish and wait in line for 2 and a half hours (This is after Jen had already been on a waiting list for 6 months). They open the doors and herd us into a small holding room. Quite claustrophobic indeed. On the way in, I notice Todd Levin and salute him. He salutes back. After a 20 minutes wait in the holding room, we are let into the studio. To watch the show. Drew Fraser warm up the audience. He is the warm up man. Every TV comedy taping I've been to, he is the warm up man. When I went to see Premium Blend and the HBO tapings, he was there. he introduces Mr. Jon Stewart who take and Q&A session and riffs with the audience for a bit. Jon Stewart simply is fucking hilarious. the show begins. Quite a surreal post modern experience. Even though we are actually i nthe studio with the real Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert not far from us, most people end up watching the TV monitors hanging from the ceiling that show was is going to be broadcast. It was realer to us to watch the TV even though were were at the real event. Also, there were no bad seats. Everyone had a clear view on Jon and the TV's were far away enough that he looked the same in person and on the box. Interesting indeed. Tv was realer than the real. Only in 2005.
I ruch to Williamburg afterwards for my show. Feeling good about some material i had written that day we start the show. I get a few laughs but nothing special. I regard it as a bomb. However, Dante Nero, Karith Foster, Benari Poulten, Susan Prekel and Roger Hailes destroyed. I think it was our 2nd best show there. The audience could not get enough of Susan Prekel. They would have followed her into the bowels of Hades after her set. HADES!
Wednesday
The Cobble Hill show. It was intense. The crowd responded well to most of the comics. Particularly, Dan Allen and James Smith who I thought would have not been well received by an all black crowd. The previous show could be considered the "Chitlin Circuit." So the space was actually double booked with our comic and theirs. I went on last and completely tanked. I went over like the Hindenburg full of anvils and the Weight Watcher's initiation clogging party during a hurricane in the alps. The only other comic who suffered the same fate was Michelle Buteau who was unlucky enough to follow Roz G who ripped that audience a new one. I bombed. Benari showed up at the end of the show and we walked outside because I didn't want to have to face the audience. Dan Allen and I drove back to Queens and talked over a late night Diner Dinner.
SO I bombed/tanked/died three nights in a row. Lovely.
I hope the government doesn't google the word bomb and end up at my door to ask questions. Still, it would feel better than last night.
Monday, July 11, 2005
my grandmother just said this to me...
"I remember when I first saw you and I said that’s a big head. That’s a grown man’s head. You grew into that head. That’s how I knew you’d have some brains."
I love my grandmother.
I love my grandmother.
Moment of Clarity #13 (short sketch)
There must have been a time in the lives of Jim Henson and Frank Oz when their friends would ask them to say stupid shit in the voices of Kermit or Yoda.
FRIEND
Ooh Ooh Frank! Say um...say "You spilled ketchup on my sequin shirt and you've ruined it" as Yoda!
FRANK (as Yoda)
Ketchup you have spilled on my sequin shirt. Ruined it you have.
FRIEND
SHIT THAT IS FUNNY! Hey hey, Jim, say "Miss Piggy likes to get freaky in the bedroom."
JIM
No, I don't want to. This is stupid.
FRIEND
Come on, Jim, don't be a fag!
JIM
I told you no!
FRIEND
DON'T BE A CANDY ASS PUSSY, JIM!
FRANK
Yeah, Jim. I just did Yoda.
JIM
Fine. (as Kermit) "Miss Piggy is a freak in the bedroom..."
FRIEND
She likes whips and chains...
JIM
"...she likes whips and chains..."
FRIEND
And a finger up her porky ass...
JIM
Oh come on! I'm not saying that!
FRIEND and FRANK
DO IT!
Jim
"...and a...and a finger up her porky ass."
FRIEND
HAHAHAHAHA! Dammit that is hilarious. You guys have given a new purpose for my life. You know what? Lunch is on me.
FRIEND
Ooh Ooh Frank! Say um...say "You spilled ketchup on my sequin shirt and you've ruined it" as Yoda!
FRANK (as Yoda)
Ketchup you have spilled on my sequin shirt. Ruined it you have.
FRIEND
SHIT THAT IS FUNNY! Hey hey, Jim, say "Miss Piggy likes to get freaky in the bedroom."
JIM
No, I don't want to. This is stupid.
FRIEND
Come on, Jim, don't be a fag!
JIM
I told you no!
FRIEND
DON'T BE A CANDY ASS PUSSY, JIM!
FRANK
Yeah, Jim. I just did Yoda.
JIM
Fine. (as Kermit) "Miss Piggy is a freak in the bedroom..."
FRIEND
She likes whips and chains...
JIM
"...she likes whips and chains..."
FRIEND
And a finger up her porky ass...
JIM
Oh come on! I'm not saying that!
FRIEND and FRANK
DO IT!
Jim
"...and a...and a finger up her porky ass."
FRIEND
HAHAHAHAHA! Dammit that is hilarious. You guys have given a new purpose for my life. You know what? Lunch is on me.
Friday, July 08, 2005
The funniest thing in New York...
As pointed out by my good friend Brendan Hughes, the funniest thing in New York right now is in Union Square. There's a big sign right above the Virgin Megastore that's purpose was to count down the days, hours, minutes, seconds until the Olympic's City Decision (which conviently replaced a sign that showed the growing national debt). For the past few days it has read "00.00.00.00" HAHAHA! That is comedy! When you see it, point at it and laugh! Had a good Guffaw at Bloomberg! Do the same when you see one of those sign that says "There will be friends and friends of friends to guide you." Point and yell "No There won't!! HAHAHA!! I wouldn't doubt if there's a sick part in Mikey's brain going "Bombings in London? Maybe the commitee will change their minds."
Note: The last line is no way making fun of the events in London, but rather the mayor's obsession with getting the Olympics. I just wonder how high on his list of priorities the games are. I ask the question is he holding up his two hands like scales going "Hmm. Tragic loss of human life...me getting my games...loss of life...games"
Note: The last line is no way making fun of the events in London, but rather the mayor's obsession with getting the Olympics. I just wonder how high on his list of priorities the games are. I ask the question is he holding up his two hands like scales going "Hmm. Tragic loss of human life...me getting my games...loss of life...games"
Thursday, July 07, 2005
Ugh. Heimer.
I just saw a roach in my kitchen. I haven't seen a roach in a long time. It was the same experience as the feeling you would have if you had grown up around a crazy kid who annoyed you but always thought he was your best friend and he tracked you down 10 years later and 3000 miles away and demanded to be in your life again. WHY?!?! WHY HAST THOU FORSAKEN ME!?!?
Moment of Clarity #12
The subway has been around for 100 years; people still fall over when the train starts moving.
Wednesday, July 06, 2005
A Sample
I'm working on a solo show for the Midtown Theatre Festival which has a working title "Actor.Comedian.Negro"
I'm not finished with it yet, but here's a sample because I feel guilty for not posting in a long while. It just an event i ruminated on for a while and i wrote this stream-of-conciousness about it....
__________
Hmm. What? Yeah. My great grandfather was a big man to me. He did bestride this narrow world like a colossus. There was no one that had greater stature then he. Even when I saw with my own eyes people who were taller than him or even wider than him they still didn’t have the presence and the clarity of mind I believe my great grand father had. I use to (as most children do) wrap myself around his legs and to my amazement, he could walk with me there. This was unthinkable to me. This man could carry my entire existence on one leg. One leg, people! One leg. I always wanted him to pick me up because the world was so different to me up there. At his height, a man could survey all his kingdom around.
My sophomore year of college I was in Boston. It was going to be a great summer. I was going to teach at the summer institute giving advice to high school student and relearning from them what it meant to have a spirit and passion for the theatre. I always go back to that so that I can remember why I’m doing this and that passion and deference these kids have for “The Theatre” is unmatched. I was also going to study with one of the great Improv masters, Paul Sills: founder of Second City, Son of Viola Spolin. This was going to be an event filled summer. I was staying in my friend Brandon’s studio apartment that he paid rent for the summer on and I got a Phone call from my mother...
Baron?
Yes?
Papa’s dead.
I froze.
He was gone. This man, this beast, this god to me was gone. I was ok with it. I had felt like I made my peace with him earlier that year. I had become a stereotypical teenager and lost track of those around me who cared about me because I was so focused on the task at hand. I hadn’t called or seen him in ages, but a few weeks maybe a month earlier I had called him and we talked. I told him I was gonna make sure to visit and I appreciated everything he had done for me. I told him I loved him which to me was a lot to say. I think he said “um...ok” and then got off the phone to go back to the care of his live-in nurse that I just found out about. (A live in nurse? He must be sick.) I’m sure he was a little taken aback by what I had said. Not in the overwhelmed way, but more in the “shit motherfucker, I ain’t dead yet” sort of way. I’m sure when he hung up the phone he turned to his nurse a said “Hmm-mm. That boy gay.” I was particularly touchy feely seeing as I was in theatre school learning how to be in the moment and feel my feelings. I also wasn’t sure when I was gonna get a chance to say this to him again. So I said it.
Baron?
Yes?
Papa’s dead.
So this is how we found out he was dead. A family friend called my mother to as why she wasn’t at the funeral.
What Funeral?
They had already buried him and put him in the ground. My grandma (JJ: his daughter), my mom, and myself had no idea he was dead and weren’t at the funeral. My (not so) great Uncle Charles went to New Mexico, organized the funeral, sold all the stuff in the house and left without calling us. He said he tried calling JJ numerous times and never heard back. Needless to say, she was livid.
How the fuck you gon’ bury my daddy without me?
I tried to call, but you weren’t at home.
Bullshit! I’m always home. I’m retired. If the phone rings I would have been there.
I'm not finished with it yet, but here's a sample because I feel guilty for not posting in a long while. It just an event i ruminated on for a while and i wrote this stream-of-conciousness about it....
__________
Hmm. What? Yeah. My great grandfather was a big man to me. He did bestride this narrow world like a colossus. There was no one that had greater stature then he. Even when I saw with my own eyes people who were taller than him or even wider than him they still didn’t have the presence and the clarity of mind I believe my great grand father had. I use to (as most children do) wrap myself around his legs and to my amazement, he could walk with me there. This was unthinkable to me. This man could carry my entire existence on one leg. One leg, people! One leg. I always wanted him to pick me up because the world was so different to me up there. At his height, a man could survey all his kingdom around.
My sophomore year of college I was in Boston. It was going to be a great summer. I was going to teach at the summer institute giving advice to high school student and relearning from them what it meant to have a spirit and passion for the theatre. I always go back to that so that I can remember why I’m doing this and that passion and deference these kids have for “The Theatre” is unmatched. I was also going to study with one of the great Improv masters, Paul Sills: founder of Second City, Son of Viola Spolin. This was going to be an event filled summer. I was staying in my friend Brandon’s studio apartment that he paid rent for the summer on and I got a Phone call from my mother...
Baron?
Yes?
Papa’s dead.
I froze.
He was gone. This man, this beast, this god to me was gone. I was ok with it. I had felt like I made my peace with him earlier that year. I had become a stereotypical teenager and lost track of those around me who cared about me because I was so focused on the task at hand. I hadn’t called or seen him in ages, but a few weeks maybe a month earlier I had called him and we talked. I told him I was gonna make sure to visit and I appreciated everything he had done for me. I told him I loved him which to me was a lot to say. I think he said “um...ok” and then got off the phone to go back to the care of his live-in nurse that I just found out about. (A live in nurse? He must be sick.) I’m sure he was a little taken aback by what I had said. Not in the overwhelmed way, but more in the “shit motherfucker, I ain’t dead yet” sort of way. I’m sure when he hung up the phone he turned to his nurse a said “Hmm-mm. That boy gay.” I was particularly touchy feely seeing as I was in theatre school learning how to be in the moment and feel my feelings. I also wasn’t sure when I was gonna get a chance to say this to him again. So I said it.
Baron?
Yes?
Papa’s dead.
So this is how we found out he was dead. A family friend called my mother to as why she wasn’t at the funeral.
What Funeral?
They had already buried him and put him in the ground. My grandma (JJ: his daughter), my mom, and myself had no idea he was dead and weren’t at the funeral. My (not so) great Uncle Charles went to New Mexico, organized the funeral, sold all the stuff in the house and left without calling us. He said he tried calling JJ numerous times and never heard back. Needless to say, she was livid.
How the fuck you gon’ bury my daddy without me?
I tried to call, but you weren’t at home.
Bullshit! I’m always home. I’m retired. If the phone rings I would have been there.
Monday, June 27, 2005
Speaking of Great Thinkers...Mr. Paul Mooney
A man finds a bottle and rubs it. A Genie pops out. The Genie says "I've been in there for centuries thank you letting me out. You get 3 wishes. I'm tired of talk - just think them and they will be." So the man thinks and poof: a mansion appears. Poof: naked women running around everywhere. Then poof: the KKK in full garb appear, take the man out and lynch him from a tree. The next day the Genie is at Starbucks talking with other Genies because that's where they drink their coffee. He speaks of the day before. "They all wish for the same thing: the mansion and naked women, but the 3rd wish was so confusing. Why would you want to be hung like a Nigger?"
--Paul Mooney
Tonight I saw Mr Paul Mooney. Comedy Legend. Friend of Richard Pryor. Writer of comedy ranging from Letterman to In Living Color and one of the most intense comedians you will ever see. People either love or hate him because he doesn't bullshit. He puts everything on the table from Race to Politics and is so cutting and insightful that it hurts. Its hurts so much that people leave because they feel offended or attacked. His comedy is piercing, well written, concise, demanding - I could only ever hope to be a fourth of the comic he is. I aspire to punch a person is the face with my words that say "Wake up this is the world we're living" that make you really look at things in a new way. Wow. See him. Whether you hate him or love him you will understand why he is one of the greatest of all time.
Don't you spray paint those walls you little Nigger you Puerto Ricans - that is graffiti! But a white man finds a mountain and puts his face on it. And that's history.--Paul Mooney
--Paul Mooney
Tonight I saw Mr Paul Mooney. Comedy Legend. Friend of Richard Pryor. Writer of comedy ranging from Letterman to In Living Color and one of the most intense comedians you will ever see. People either love or hate him because he doesn't bullshit. He puts everything on the table from Race to Politics and is so cutting and insightful that it hurts. Its hurts so much that people leave because they feel offended or attacked. His comedy is piercing, well written, concise, demanding - I could only ever hope to be a fourth of the comic he is. I aspire to punch a person is the face with my words that say "Wake up this is the world we're living" that make you really look at things in a new way. Wow. See him. Whether you hate him or love him you will understand why he is one of the greatest of all time.
Don't you spray paint those walls you little Nigger you Puerto Ricans - that is graffiti! But a white man finds a mountain and puts his face on it. And that's history.--Paul Mooney
Saturday, June 25, 2005
Great Thinkers
In “History of the World Part 1" during the segment that took place in ancient Rome. Mel Brooks is standing in an unemployment line that leads up to the clerk played by Bea Arthur. When she asks him what he does, he throws his arms back lifts his chest and exclaims -
“Stand Up Philosopher”
Oh, so you’re a bullshit artist.
Think about that. Comics nowadays are quoted in every day conversations like philosophers. More so. You’ll hear quotes from the great thinkers like Chris Rock, George Carlin, Lenny Bruce, Jerry Seinfeld, Margaret Cho, Bill Cosby, Bill Hicks, Richard Pryor more than you hear the words of Socrates, Aristotle, Plato, Descartes, Sartre, Neitzche, Rand, Heidegger, Kant, and Keirkegaard..
Think about the comics you love and how much you quote them or even when you quote comics you know. Hell, I quote Ellen DeGeneres all the time. YES I’M A STRAIGHT BLACK MAN AND I THINK ELLEN IS A FUCKING GENIUS! FUCK YOU!
Comics are the now the ones who (more so than anybody) take the events and themes of our day and shape them in a way the we can process it with laughter. Laughter helps it go down and what makes us laugh has a stronger possibility of staying in our long term memory (Psych 101). Especially if you agree with it or it makes you see something in a different way. That’s where the comment “it’s funny because its true” comes from. That’s when the audience laughs en masse and people mutter under their breathe “so true, so true.” The news doesn’t do that. It present so called facts. But some Stand ups can arrange the facts in a way that makes you look at them differently. You get a perspective you never thought of. An angle you never considered and you leave changed.
To me it can be more immediate than the theatre. The Theatre has become elitist. We can’t pretend to say that “everyday people” go to it. We can say that those are the roots of theatre. For the people. To tell stories of humanity and such. It also seems to be the credo for every major theatre movement that followed. “We’re doing this for the people, man! Taking it back to the streets!" Still, a comedy room is where you will find people from all walks of life, or at least more divergent walks of life than the theatre nowadays. The direct address quality and informality of a stand up room gives it the potential to become more penetrating, more truthful, more immediate then the Theatre. Even though it is theatre itself. It’s the closest thing we have to the origins of Greek theatre.
That’s what it ws at first. Solo performers telling stories. Active audiences. The passive audience is a new ideal. Its only I’d say about a century old when (as a wiseman once told me), “some motherfucker turned off the lights” that the audience became passive. Waiting for the performers to do everything for them. I believe there should be more of a give and take. I believe that exists now more so in Comedy than any other form. Its right back to Thespis himself....
THESPIS
Hey guys! I just got back from Sparta and boy are my arms tired! I’m telling ya though, the ladies in Sparta really are something...something to be feared and run away from! Wow, can we take up a collection and buy these ladies necks or what? Seriously, they’re scary! Anyway, enough of me. We got a young up and comer here for you tonight. Fresh off a stint at the Solo Hole in Athens...Sophocles!
SOPHOCLES
Hey! Alright! Thank you. Thank you very much! Round of applause for your host, Thespis. Working hard so the Gods don’t get mad! Lets get right to it...we all know this story...that’s right I’m talking bout Oedipus. Poked his Mom and then poked out his eyes. Now really, is that gonna solve the problem? I mean if there’s a body part you’re gonna punish for the crime, I doubt its above the neckline let alone the waistline. I mean, what’s his logic here? As long as I don’t see what’s on it, I’m not responsible? Come on!
“Stand Up Philosopher”
Oh, so you’re a bullshit artist.
Think about that. Comics nowadays are quoted in every day conversations like philosophers. More so. You’ll hear quotes from the great thinkers like Chris Rock, George Carlin, Lenny Bruce, Jerry Seinfeld, Margaret Cho, Bill Cosby, Bill Hicks, Richard Pryor more than you hear the words of Socrates, Aristotle, Plato, Descartes, Sartre, Neitzche, Rand, Heidegger, Kant, and Keirkegaard..
Think about the comics you love and how much you quote them or even when you quote comics you know. Hell, I quote Ellen DeGeneres all the time. YES I’M A STRAIGHT BLACK MAN AND I THINK ELLEN IS A FUCKING GENIUS! FUCK YOU!
Comics are the now the ones who (more so than anybody) take the events and themes of our day and shape them in a way the we can process it with laughter. Laughter helps it go down and what makes us laugh has a stronger possibility of staying in our long term memory (Psych 101). Especially if you agree with it or it makes you see something in a different way. That’s where the comment “it’s funny because its true” comes from. That’s when the audience laughs en masse and people mutter under their breathe “so true, so true.” The news doesn’t do that. It present so called facts. But some Stand ups can arrange the facts in a way that makes you look at them differently. You get a perspective you never thought of. An angle you never considered and you leave changed.
To me it can be more immediate than the theatre. The Theatre has become elitist. We can’t pretend to say that “everyday people” go to it. We can say that those are the roots of theatre. For the people. To tell stories of humanity and such. It also seems to be the credo for every major theatre movement that followed. “We’re doing this for the people, man! Taking it back to the streets!" Still, a comedy room is where you will find people from all walks of life, or at least more divergent walks of life than the theatre nowadays. The direct address quality and informality of a stand up room gives it the potential to become more penetrating, more truthful, more immediate then the Theatre. Even though it is theatre itself. It’s the closest thing we have to the origins of Greek theatre.
That’s what it ws at first. Solo performers telling stories. Active audiences. The passive audience is a new ideal. Its only I’d say about a century old when (as a wiseman once told me), “some motherfucker turned off the lights” that the audience became passive. Waiting for the performers to do everything for them. I believe there should be more of a give and take. I believe that exists now more so in Comedy than any other form. Its right back to Thespis himself....
THESPIS
Hey guys! I just got back from Sparta and boy are my arms tired! I’m telling ya though, the ladies in Sparta really are something...something to be feared and run away from! Wow, can we take up a collection and buy these ladies necks or what? Seriously, they’re scary! Anyway, enough of me. We got a young up and comer here for you tonight. Fresh off a stint at the Solo Hole in Athens...Sophocles!
SOPHOCLES
Hey! Alright! Thank you. Thank you very much! Round of applause for your host, Thespis. Working hard so the Gods don’t get mad! Lets get right to it...we all know this story...that’s right I’m talking bout Oedipus. Poked his Mom and then poked out his eyes. Now really, is that gonna solve the problem? I mean if there’s a body part you’re gonna punish for the crime, I doubt its above the neckline let alone the waistline. I mean, what’s his logic here? As long as I don’t see what’s on it, I’m not responsible? Come on!
Friday, June 17, 2005
Moment of Clarity #11
The debate really needs to start being about whether or not having sex with your own clone makes you gay.
Thursday, June 16, 2005
its amazing how'll much i'll do to not do
It really is. I've been avoiding writing for the last 4 days. I wake up every morning thinking to myself "I gotta write!" Then I make up ways to avoid doing something that I love for something I love. Interesting. They say "the hardest part of writing is beginning." They also say "it takes more energy to not do your homework than it does to do it." And course they said "why ask why? Try Bud Dry."
I'm happy to be writing this. Its been hard because I've got "From a Distance" by Bette Midler and "Idiot Boyfriend" by Jimmy Fallon stuck on loop in my head. One of those songs on their own has enough power to cripple a Yeti, so you can imagine how I feel.
The other night I had one of the strangest IM conversations I've ever had. (IM has been a contributor to me not writing) I thought it was an old high school friend of mine named Sarah. I quickly learned it was not and then proceeded to have some sort of psuedo cyber sex thing. I don't know who this is. I don't even know if it was a guy or girl. Well, read on...
ME: hello?
HER: hello?
ME: wow you actually wrote back. usually i get your away message - "fuck you, baron"
HER: this actually isnt sarah
ME: oh. well this is now awkward
HER: she was signed on on my computer
ME: ah. hope i didn't offend with my profanity. i'm very vulgar, you dont even know!
HER: its all good
ME: coo. you black?
HER: no
ME: haha, sorry. i got excited for a split second. ok i'll leave you alone
HER: lol. sorry to dissapoint
ME: its ok. we can't all be perfect
HER: im white and blond. but I guess im not your type now. well i love black stallions
ME: haha
HER: and dont tell my mom :-)
ME: i'm a stallion now. i like this
HER: i gotta say I'm picky about men. they have to be able to take it a little rough. so you better be able to back up the stallion
ME: well it depends what you mean by stallion
HER: as in hung like a
ME: hmm. well...
HER: taking a long time to think about it eh. not a good sign
(yeah people with big dicks don't think. they just blurt shit out as fast as they can -BV)
ME: i don't have much experience with other penises. but i've been told I'm a stallion. i say that because to be is to be perceived
HER: your mom doesnt count
ME: hey OOOHH (Ed McMahon).you're funny
HER: i try
ME: i'm hilarious, but you're funny
HER: not all blonds are dumb :-)
ME: never said they were (sure, they all have online chats with strange men -BV)
HER: well lets see how clever you are...can you describe yourself in a way that turns me on
ME: go ahead
HER: but only using food terms
ME: well girl (I don't even hesitate -BV)
HER: terms that have to do with food, its preperation, or its consumption
ME: i don't exactly know how you expect to to "produce" what you need, but seriously, if your oven is ready i got something for it
HER: i know it sounds cooky, BUT a really slick guy can do it
ME: make sure you preset it. it needs to be hot
HER: 3/10 so far (what is that? a score or the number of references i must make? -BV)
ME: of course I'll use a mitten. i'm always protected. but yeah you know i just wanna spread butter on you sheet girl
HER: im not good at it
ME: grease it up nice like
HER: ok now im a little too excited
ME: cause we cooking with gas. with all burners. you know, i just gotta sautee with your sauce, but don't worry
HER: theres something about the thought of a marble statue and food that makes me really turned on. (Yeah, put an apron on Michaelangelo's David and she will cream herself -BV) im too excited i need to calm down. good night
ME: my souffle won't fall
WHAT THE...?! I LAUGHED MY ASS OF AFTERWARDS!! I CAN"T BELIEVE I ACTUALLY WENT THROUGHT WITH IT! DAMN I'M GOOD!
I'm happy to be writing this. Its been hard because I've got "From a Distance" by Bette Midler and "Idiot Boyfriend" by Jimmy Fallon stuck on loop in my head. One of those songs on their own has enough power to cripple a Yeti, so you can imagine how I feel.
The other night I had one of the strangest IM conversations I've ever had. (IM has been a contributor to me not writing) I thought it was an old high school friend of mine named Sarah. I quickly learned it was not and then proceeded to have some sort of psuedo cyber sex thing. I don't know who this is. I don't even know if it was a guy or girl. Well, read on...
ME: hello?
HER: hello?
ME: wow you actually wrote back. usually i get your away message - "fuck you, baron"
HER: this actually isnt sarah
ME: oh. well this is now awkward
HER: she was signed on on my computer
ME: ah. hope i didn't offend with my profanity. i'm very vulgar, you dont even know!
HER: its all good
ME: coo. you black?
HER: no
ME: haha, sorry. i got excited for a split second. ok i'll leave you alone
HER: lol. sorry to dissapoint
ME: its ok. we can't all be perfect
HER: im white and blond. but I guess im not your type now. well i love black stallions
ME: haha
HER: and dont tell my mom :-)
ME: i'm a stallion now. i like this
HER: i gotta say I'm picky about men. they have to be able to take it a little rough. so you better be able to back up the stallion
ME: well it depends what you mean by stallion
HER: as in hung like a
ME: hmm. well...
HER: taking a long time to think about it eh. not a good sign
(yeah people with big dicks don't think. they just blurt shit out as fast as they can -BV)
ME: i don't have much experience with other penises. but i've been told I'm a stallion. i say that because to be is to be perceived
HER: your mom doesnt count
ME: hey OOOHH (Ed McMahon).you're funny
HER: i try
ME: i'm hilarious, but you're funny
HER: not all blonds are dumb :-)
ME: never said they were (sure, they all have online chats with strange men -BV)
HER: well lets see how clever you are...can you describe yourself in a way that turns me on
ME: go ahead
HER: but only using food terms
ME: well girl (I don't even hesitate -BV)
HER: terms that have to do with food, its preperation, or its consumption
ME: i don't exactly know how you expect to to "produce" what you need, but seriously, if your oven is ready i got something for it
HER: i know it sounds cooky, BUT a really slick guy can do it
ME: make sure you preset it. it needs to be hot
HER: 3/10 so far (what is that? a score or the number of references i must make? -BV)
ME: of course I'll use a mitten. i'm always protected. but yeah you know i just wanna spread butter on you sheet girl
HER: im not good at it
ME: grease it up nice like
HER: ok now im a little too excited
ME: cause we cooking with gas. with all burners. you know, i just gotta sautee with your sauce, but don't worry
HER: theres something about the thought of a marble statue and food that makes me really turned on. (Yeah, put an apron on Michaelangelo's David and she will cream herself -BV) im too excited i need to calm down. good night
ME: my souffle won't fall
WHAT THE...?! I LAUGHED MY ASS OF AFTERWARDS!! I CAN"T BELIEVE I ACTUALLY WENT THROUGHT WITH IT! DAMN I'M GOOD!
Tuesday, June 14, 2005
I just got schooled...
...by Moody McCarthy and Dan Allen. No me gusta. I learned that I'm not really out of shape. To be out of shape, you have be in some sort of shape in the first place. I'm more of a physical amoeba: no real definition and a gooey consistency.
Oh what a blow to the black ego to be stomped by 30something white guys named Dan and Moody. This is why I have a sense of humor. I was always the impress-you-with-my-quick-wit-talk-about-yo-mama-run-from-a-fight kind of negro, not the take-you-to-the-hole-mess-you-up-if-you-talk-bout-my-mama-look-at-my-biceps kind of negro. I realize this makes me sad.
Its been a while since I've played. Remember White Men Can't Jump? That's what people looked like last time I played. You could tell by my lingo...
"He's got hops!"
"Mess up his cravat!"
"54 40 or fight!"
I'ma work out. I'ma get bigger. I'ma get faster. I'ma get a shape. Then Dan and Moody have got it comin'
Oh what a blow to the black ego to be stomped by 30something white guys named Dan and Moody. This is why I have a sense of humor. I was always the impress-you-with-my-quick-wit-talk-about-yo-mama-run-from-a-fight kind of negro, not the take-you-to-the-hole-mess-you-up-if-you-talk-bout-my-mama-look-at-my-biceps kind of negro. I realize this makes me sad.
Its been a while since I've played. Remember White Men Can't Jump? That's what people looked like last time I played. You could tell by my lingo...
"He's got hops!"
"Mess up his cravat!"
"54 40 or fight!"
I'ma work out. I'ma get bigger. I'ma get faster. I'ma get a shape. Then Dan and Moody have got it comin'
Monday, June 13, 2005
just the slightest bit disturbing (rant)
I went to the Museum of Sex the other day. Yes. I know. I'm a man about town. Indeed. Its quite an interesting place and one of the few places in NYC where you can look at a magazine with "dirty pictures" or as Helms and Strom would say "filth masquerading as art" without someone over your shoulder disgusted with you. Indeed.
((*note: of course Helms and Strom means Jesse Helms and Strom Thurmond. Although it does sound like a great name for a Modern Conservative Vaudeville Team...
HELMS: What do you call an elephant that's late for a job interview?
STROM: I don't know, but I sure hate Niggers! (roaring laughter)
HELMS: Me too, me too...I mean seriously, they haven't been useful since the good ol' cotton picking days! (Strom starts barking and foaming from the mouth) Oops! I forgot references to those days make you rabid!
BOTH: Ha Cha Cha Cha!))
I was at the museum looking at the Stag Film exhibit. It was a historical recount of how porn films came to be. Back in the day, there were low grade movies of hardcore sex (dating back to 1915) and groups of men would get together to watch them while they drank and had a good time. The Stag Party was born.
They had the screens on the ground and the projectors on the ceiling. You had to walk around this dark room and look down over the action. If you looked around, you could see groups of people gathered around the screens with the light of the film just barely illuminating their faces. It felt gross.
As the day went on, it got more and more crowded and that's when I noticed a woman pushing a baby in a carriage. WHAT THE...? A baby, surrounded by hardcore sex films. I mean yeah, that's how the baby got here, but still. Then I had a strange sense of relief. I knew the baby couldn't see. Everything was blurry to it and even if not, it didn't know what was going on. For some reason, that gave me closure.
Still I'm not saying let's sit every baby in front of a porn movie, but we can't hide these facts from them forever. We kind of treat children like they're little retarded time bombs that have no way of comprehending the things they see. If we're not their to sheild them, their precious little heads explode and we have to clean it up. Here's my thing. Its seems when we sheild them, it create a taboo. Taboo creates curiosity. Curiosity killed the cat. Or made the kid grow up to try something they don't really know about because their parents were too scared to say something which results in some sort of horrible horrible tragedy usually a lot worse than whatever was being kept from them. Sorry, to get after school special on yo ass, but seriously folks.
So maybe that woman will let their baby grow up to see porn. And the kid will be like "what's that?" And the mother will actually sit down and talk to him/her about it. And (god forbid) be frank and answer questions about this thing the kid won't be able to stop thinking about when puberty comes. Perhaps it'll demystify some things. And maybe just maybe a functional relationship might blossom between child and parent. And when the kid is a teen maybe just maybe s/he'll trust (god forbid) that parent. Cynics?
((*note: of course Helms and Strom means Jesse Helms and Strom Thurmond. Although it does sound like a great name for a Modern Conservative Vaudeville Team...
HELMS: What do you call an elephant that's late for a job interview?
STROM: I don't know, but I sure hate Niggers! (roaring laughter)
HELMS: Me too, me too...I mean seriously, they haven't been useful since the good ol' cotton picking days! (Strom starts barking and foaming from the mouth) Oops! I forgot references to those days make you rabid!
BOTH: Ha Cha Cha Cha!))
I was at the museum looking at the Stag Film exhibit. It was a historical recount of how porn films came to be. Back in the day, there were low grade movies of hardcore sex (dating back to 1915) and groups of men would get together to watch them while they drank and had a good time. The Stag Party was born.
They had the screens on the ground and the projectors on the ceiling. You had to walk around this dark room and look down over the action. If you looked around, you could see groups of people gathered around the screens with the light of the film just barely illuminating their faces. It felt gross.
As the day went on, it got more and more crowded and that's when I noticed a woman pushing a baby in a carriage. WHAT THE...? A baby, surrounded by hardcore sex films. I mean yeah, that's how the baby got here, but still. Then I had a strange sense of relief. I knew the baby couldn't see. Everything was blurry to it and even if not, it didn't know what was going on. For some reason, that gave me closure.
Still I'm not saying let's sit every baby in front of a porn movie, but we can't hide these facts from them forever. We kind of treat children like they're little retarded time bombs that have no way of comprehending the things they see. If we're not their to sheild them, their precious little heads explode and we have to clean it up. Here's my thing. Its seems when we sheild them, it create a taboo. Taboo creates curiosity. Curiosity killed the cat. Or made the kid grow up to try something they don't really know about because their parents were too scared to say something which results in some sort of horrible horrible tragedy usually a lot worse than whatever was being kept from them. Sorry, to get after school special on yo ass, but seriously folks.
So maybe that woman will let their baby grow up to see porn. And the kid will be like "what's that?" And the mother will actually sit down and talk to him/her about it. And (god forbid) be frank and answer questions about this thing the kid won't be able to stop thinking about when puberty comes. Perhaps it'll demystify some things. And maybe just maybe a functional relationship might blossom between child and parent. And when the kid is a teen maybe just maybe s/he'll trust (god forbid) that parent. Cynics?
Sunday, June 12, 2005
Hip Hop Theatre
Yo, son...
I just went to the free gala opening of the Hip Hop Theatre Festival which is this week June 11 - June 18. It was invigorating. It was inspirational. As cliche' as it may sound, it was amazing seeing all different kinds of people coming together to create art that represented the culture and world we now live in. Yes, we can gain new meaning in these times of war from another production of Henry V, but why not create a new piece in which your entire arsenal of skill can be incorporated. It represents a "taking back" from the Institution what we call "the theatre." By the way, I'll be premiering my own solo piece this summer in the Midtown Theatre Festival. Watch out for it one person who reads this or as I call you "Mom."
I just went to the free gala opening of the Hip Hop Theatre Festival which is this week June 11 - June 18. It was invigorating. It was inspirational. As cliche' as it may sound, it was amazing seeing all different kinds of people coming together to create art that represented the culture and world we now live in. Yes, we can gain new meaning in these times of war from another production of Henry V, but why not create a new piece in which your entire arsenal of skill can be incorporated. It represents a "taking back" from the Institution what we call "the theatre." By the way, I'll be premiering my own solo piece this summer in the Midtown Theatre Festival. Watch out for it one person who reads this or as I call you "Mom."
Thursday, June 09, 2005
I Wish...
I wish I had something to say.
I do realize this: I need more material that starts with "I was walking down the street..."
This is the only way I want to be seen by the public - as a man on the go! No more jokes that start with "I was sitting" or "As I lay in bed last morning" or "I was relaxing in the bubble bath the other day when" NO MORE! No more weaving images of myself as a dashing young negro who never uses his legs for he is too busy soaking them. That's exactly what we need less of! We need less of these negative stereotypical generalizations of black people always "getting a back rub" or "luxuriating at a day spa" or "receiving a pore cleansing mudbath and seawed wrap" BASTARDS!
I was walking down the street the other day with a friend of mine. It was late, like 1:30 in the morning. I was walking her to her apartment in the west 30s when a woman approached us. I had noticed this woman seemed to be frantically searching for something. She came over to us and in her accent she asked "Have you seen this man over there?" and pointed toward 8th Ave. Notice how specific she was. Not "have you seen this man?" but "have you seen this man over there?" She'd showed the picture and there was a surprised looking white man (she was black) with round rimmed glasses and what appeared to be a chicken on his head. A chicken. Just sitting there. On his head.
I said "Have we seen him over there?" I pointed to 8th.
"Yes," said she.
"Nope."
This is the best part. After I said no, she looked me up and down with the utmost disgust and searched my eyes to see if I was lying! Not even a quick scan. A good long stare! She could not believe I hadn't seen him and then left us. TRUST ME. I DIDN'T SEE HIM. EVEN THOUGH THIS IS NEW YORK, I WOULD'VE REMEMBERED A GUY WEARING A CHICKEN ON HIS HEAD.
Maybe its because I specified 8th Ave. Maybe she knew I had seen him somewhere, but not where she suggested. Maybe she saw my not so subtle wink to my friend who knew we saw him on 6th Ave, not 8th. 6th Ave! Haha, we fooled her with a technicality! Another life ruined by my lies! Now to soak my feet!
I do realize this: I need more material that starts with "I was walking down the street..."
This is the only way I want to be seen by the public - as a man on the go! No more jokes that start with "I was sitting" or "As I lay in bed last morning" or "I was relaxing in the bubble bath the other day when" NO MORE! No more weaving images of myself as a dashing young negro who never uses his legs for he is too busy soaking them. That's exactly what we need less of! We need less of these negative stereotypical generalizations of black people always "getting a back rub" or "luxuriating at a day spa" or "receiving a pore cleansing mudbath and seawed wrap" BASTARDS!
I was walking down the street the other day with a friend of mine. It was late, like 1:30 in the morning. I was walking her to her apartment in the west 30s when a woman approached us. I had noticed this woman seemed to be frantically searching for something. She came over to us and in her accent she asked "Have you seen this man over there?" and pointed toward 8th Ave. Notice how specific she was. Not "have you seen this man?" but "have you seen this man over there?" She'd showed the picture and there was a surprised looking white man (she was black) with round rimmed glasses and what appeared to be a chicken on his head. A chicken. Just sitting there. On his head.
I said "Have we seen him over there?" I pointed to 8th.
"Yes," said she.
"Nope."
This is the best part. After I said no, she looked me up and down with the utmost disgust and searched my eyes to see if I was lying! Not even a quick scan. A good long stare! She could not believe I hadn't seen him and then left us. TRUST ME. I DIDN'T SEE HIM. EVEN THOUGH THIS IS NEW YORK, I WOULD'VE REMEMBERED A GUY WEARING A CHICKEN ON HIS HEAD.
Maybe its because I specified 8th Ave. Maybe she knew I had seen him somewhere, but not where she suggested. Maybe she saw my not so subtle wink to my friend who knew we saw him on 6th Ave, not 8th. 6th Ave! Haha, we fooled her with a technicality! Another life ruined by my lies! Now to soak my feet!
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