Tuesday, October 31, 2006

This post was written at 3am

What a long winding journey i had to get home last night. After doing "Crash Test" I was suppoed to hang out at a bar with A. Ansari, N. Kroll, J. Mulaney, C. Peretti and J. Carlos. It was like one of my dreams when I was in 3rd grade: I turned around and everyone was gone. I had no clue where they went. I just knew the name of the bar: "Half King." My phone was dead, so I couldn't call anyone or receive info that was being transmitted to me. So I walked around just looking for the place before remembering a bar at which people from the UCB hang out. I thought "that must be the place" and headed over there to find out it was not the right place. It had a different name. I went in and asked for the phonebook. I found the address for "The Half King" and made my way over there. By the time I got there everyone was gone. Of course they're gone, I was 30 min late.

I walked down 23rd St. from 10th Ave to Broadway. Something is wrong with the train there so I walked down to Union Square and waited waited waited. I finally got on the train and for some reason the air conditioner was blasting cold air. Ridiculous. Its cold fall outside, but it was winter in that car. Eventually we slowly made our way through the system. A homeless man complete with a cart full of bags and a hunchback mades his way onto the car. Somehow I ended up being the person closest to him. This next sentence is not an exaggeration. He smelled so bad my balls began to hurt. That doesn't even make sense. I got a whiff of his odor and my balls began to ache. A pulsing ache that i'd never experienced. I wasn't sitting strangely nor did I have a pencil mistakenly jabbing into my scrotum. Just the odor of pee and failed aspirations. Maybe the smell was so bad that my sperm were trying to retreat from it. It was the sperm version of Chernobyl or Pompeii and they were all trying to escape, but, of course, there is no escaping my testes.

I think I might have a serious sleeping problem.


Justin said...

I just can't believe you missed that comedy benetton ad

Anonymous said...

yeah...ummmmm....I'm thinking you might wanna hold off on posting stories that speak of testicle pain until AFTER you've heard back from the free clinic....you know just so you're not accidentally outing your (yet to be diagnosed) STD status.......cause ummm some experiences are better discussed with a physician and maybe not so much with the world......but you know, that's just a suggestion.

Kyria said...

Sounds like SOMEBODY got totally blown off by some pretty talented comedians. Maybe you should stick to hanging out with that Benjamin Poulten kid.

Baron said...

haha anonymous. the thing is i've never had a pain in my balls (beside being kicked in them) like this before. it was connected to my olfactory senses. amazingly gross smell = ball pain.

Chrissy Fiorilli said...

if it makes you feel any better--half king is one of those places that the fun quotient often has much to do with the crowd you are with...oh, wait...those are all fun people.

Anonymous said...

people still use phonebooks? that is an amazing concept! thanks for the tip

Anonymous said...

"He smelled so bad my balls began to hurt."

= funniest thing i've read in days. thanks.

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