Sunday, March 19, 2006

Old Lady Logic - a solution

Psychology teaches us that the older we get, the more black and white our thinking becomes. Some things just "don't make sense" anymore. That's why the older people get the more you hear the rhetorical question "why would someone do that?" (and variations) as the grounds for a convincing counter argument against unruly behavior. That's apparently all the evidence you need - not knowing why someone would do that. Even though these are same people that made it so there are 3 Law and Order's and spend the episodes guessing at the motives for the crime, those skills of deduction don't translate to the real world.

There is a restaurant near me, or I should say was a restuarant. It closed. The signs had been taken down, the floor inside ripped out, the chairs, tables, lights all gone. It was a ghost restaurant. One day as some contractors were taking the last semblances of this being a restaurant away I heard an old lady say to the man taking away the neon sign, "Is that restaurant closed?" He paused. "Uh...yes. Yes it is."

So nice that guy. I wouldn't have been nice...
" its not closed. Its still open. We've just taken everything away because the owner is going for a really new look. He's going for a new age sort of meta postmodern feel. That's why all the furniture is gone, the staff is gone, the kitchen is gone, and any sort of food is gone. That's why the owner is at home right now crying and pulling his hair trying to figure out how he's gonna pay for his son's freshman year of college and his wife's coke habit at the same time. That's why he's clutching a gun to his temple right now. Its all to bring you a unique dining experience."

I'm gonna start a boot camp for the elderly. Forget putting them in a home. Get them in shape. I'm gonna have a drill sargeant taking old men and women through obstacle courses. There will be running, swimming, shooting a gun, bow and arrow, kung fu, karate, judo, toning and conditioning. Once their bodies are sharp. I will be them through a 6 week course in computer technology. It will start with working an ATM, then to programming a VCR (I think my grandma is the only one in the US who knows how to do this), then cell phones, and on up to Windows, Linux, and programming with HTML and Flash. So now their minds and bodies will be lean mean fighting machines. No longer will you have to wait 15 minutes at an ATM behind someone who just wants to know what time it is. No longer will you be caught behind a slow moving body walking down a street or a stairway. Those days will be done. The elderly will not be sitting at home wondering who did it while watching Law and Order, Murder She Wrote, Matlock, Jake and the Fatman, or the Father Dowling Mysteries. They will be out and about SOLVING REAL CRIMES. Watch out America. Watch out for the GRANDMARMY.

1 comment:

Kyria said...

When I was in Spain (did I mention I went to Spain recently? I went to Spain. Spain! I went there!) I saw 90-year old grandma and grandpas out at 11 PM on a weeknight, standing up at tapas bars, downing red wine like they were 25.

Even more unusual, they had FRIENDS with them. And they were LAUGHING.

Laughing and eating ham. And *after 4 PM* no less.

I don't know why the elderly in this country shut themselves away. Grandmas in Europe are partying every night!