Saturday, April 22, 2006

Answer: Me.

Question: who stayed up to 3am watching Yo Momma on MTV?

I could NOT get to sleep. My sleeping schedule is all mixed up because of all the travelling I've been doing. After a great show last night, I got back here to my friends place and sat on the couch staring at the idiot box hoping that my eyes would fade. It didn't happen. Especialy since there was an amazing show on TV which, as we all know, is a stunning sociological study about how ugly, fat, stupid or poor one's Momma may happen to be.

Hosted by the inimitable Wilmer Valderrama this show is a slapdash haberdash flash cash stab at the age old artform of the dozens or cappin' or its scientific name "Yo Momma Jokes."

I wish I could say its an American artform like that of Jazz or Stand Up, but it has been around for ages. There is documentation all the way back to Ancient Greece recorded in certain dialogues of Socrates "Yo Momma is so fat, getting her from here to Sparta is Apollo's part time job," and "Yo Momma is so fat, she wore the Parthenon for a belt...yeah, she ruined it! Get it she ruined it!" Also, in some of the poetry of Homer, "Yo Momma is so ugly I sent her on a date with a cyclops and he came back with no eyes. I said what happened he said I just couldn't take it anymore!!"

Also evidence in the Roman empire "Yo Momma is so ugly, she's the reason Bacchus drinks!" "Yo Momma is so dirty, she rents out her pockets as a Vomitorium."

...also in Indian Culture, "Yo Momma is so ugly, Vishnu grew his other arms just to slap the bitch!"

...early Christianity, "Yo Momma is so ugly and dirty, she went to get Baptized and someone had to save Jesus!"

...Elizabethan England, "Thy mother's breath is so foul, a fortnight was defined by how long one would pass out after receiving it into their nostrils. TWO WEEKS BITCH!"

...South America, "Yo Momma is so fat and gross, she farted and the Incas disappeared" Puritan New England, "Yo Momma is so ugly, we burned her as a witch and the bitch looked better! The fire jumped off of her it was like Fuck This!"

...and of course to the present era MTV show. Honestly, I'm surprsed the show isn't on the History Channel or Discovery because of the historcal relevance of the subject matter.

Anyway, here's a few jokes I literally dreamed last night...

"Yo Momma is so ugly her driver's license looks like Mr Potato Head with all the parts in the wrong place."

"Yo Momma is so fat people thought they heard Stomp doing a show in the street but it was just her ass and stomach rolls banging together."

"Yo momma is so ugly she makes silence scream."

Here's some of my all time favorites...

"Yo Momma is so fat, she bungee jumped and went straight to hell."

"Yo Momma is so old, her Social Security Number is 1."

"Yo Momma is so poor she can't afford to pay attention."

"Yo Momma is so fat, she sat on a quarter and a booger squeezed out George Washington's nose."

And my favorite of all time...

"Yo Momma is so old and so fat, that when God said Let There Be Light, he really said Bitch, move your fat ass out the way"


Holy Crap! It's Amy!! said...

Yo Momma? Are you serious? I'm not the only one who's strangely drawn to that show? Wilmer Valderrama, you sly beast you!

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Anonymous said...

My new favourite:

Yo Momma is so poor, I saw her walking down the street with one shoe and I said, "Did you lose a shoe?" and she said, "No, I found one."

Xenobia said...

I am also a Yo Momma addict and your post inspired to me to post some thoughts on the subject myself. I also give you props and post some of your "Best Yo Momma Jokes in History" which are extremely clever. Thanks for helping me come to terms with my addiction. I hope you check out the site.

Anonymous said...

Very best site. Keep working. Will return in the near future.

leatherargento said...

Your dozens are so good, they're 288 (that's "Two Gross" which is of course "Too Gross," which is also one one dozen squared times two.... :-D )