Dealing with it

I think its been a little over a month since my grandmother, JJ died.

I don't know how to think about it.

My mother and I didn't have a big catharsis. There wasn't the release of "Why? Oh God Why?" We both seemed to have a very subtle sustained sadness. My theory is that my mother and I were both cool with JJ. Every card was out on the table a few years ago and she was a very present part of our lives. So she knew how we felt about her. Most people have a family member pass away and there's that feeling of "I never got to say...they didn't know...I didn't talk to them much...etc." That turns into regret. Or maybe you didn't get along that well with the person or you fought about something that doesn't seem important to you now that they're gone. There might be some resentment. My mother and I didn't have that with JJ. We all were cool with each other.

I'll miss her more the more time that goes by. Right now it still doesn't feel that real. I'm used to being away from her. I'm used to the distance of our relationship. Me in New York and her in Las Vegas. I'm used to not seeing her for months at a time until I can afford to go back home. That's how it feels. Like I'll see her when I go back home. When I was home for the service and such, I kept expecting her to walk in the bedroom and try to scare me awake like she used to. I kept expecting to see her on the computer playing Spider Solitaire and somking a cig when I went dowstairs.

We were very close. She was one of my best friends. One of my two favorite people in this world: her and my mom. Its a very foreign feeling for her to be gone and not partake in her wisdom. She was very very wise. She taught me how to see things from many different aspects. That is part of my comic instinct. Knowing how to see one thing in 15 different ways.

It was sudden the way she died. Which, its strange to say, I think was for the best. It just happened. We didn't have to watch her deteriorate. Apparently, she had a heart attack and my mom and sisters found her in her apt 12 hours after it happened. One thing that haunts me is wondering what that last moment was like. Imagining the look of her face.

This upset me. My mother recently called to tell me that JJ had put my name on her bank account. Meaning that I get whatever is in it. It really bothered me. It felt very final. Like well "here ya go, here's what's left of that woman you loved so very much." And its not a lot of money at all. It'll be spent quickly. I feel horrible about receiving this money. I can't really explain it outside of that.

I got to keep this Dodgers jacket she had. Its in good condition. Maybe she got in the 80s or early 90s: its old school. I said to myself the first time I do stand up on a major TV show nationally I'm gonna where this jacket. Too bad Comedy Central hates me, but that's another story for another time.

I want her to be proud of me.