Live Life like is was Life Like

I saw an ad for the new Bose headphones on the subway today pictured to the left. These fit comfortably in your ear and have "life like sound." How appropriate. If I was walking through a crowded street, I could put on these headphones, turn my iPod to the track "Street Sounds" and have real "life like" sounds around me. So much more "life like" then the sounds that are like life. THANK GOD I've got an effective way to drown out everything around me and really plunge deeper into the self isolation that New York makes you crave with "life like" sound. Taking in the streets and people around me is just WAY TOO MUCH for me and my hearing. I've already mastered physically and emotionally avoiding any sort of situation. Now my dulling of my senses is almost complete. If only there were sunglasses that showed "life like" high definition digital pictures on them while I walked down the street, then I could take in almost nothing. I wouldn't have to see, hear, touch or feel anything around me. OH sounds like a dream come true. Hooray!! Yippee! Huzzah!

Now if there was only something I could do about smells.

Maine and back

I'm in Maine. Maine. Orono, Maine.

Its nice up here. The air is clean. I live in New York so its very odd for me to be in a place where the air does not always smell faintly like pee or worse. Also it was interesting to see that from Portland up to here every public restroom is bigger and cleaner than any NYC apartment under $5000 a month. Back in New York on Sunday.

Come to this show on Tuesday if you dare...

"Shades of Black"
Tuesday Nov 14 @9:30pm
Mo Pitkins - 34 Ave A between 3rd/2nd St
Elon James White, Michelle Buteau, Larry Bailey and Baron Vaughn do long sets.
Word.

I Voted...

I did my little part to loosen that diabolic stranglehold that conservatives so obviously have over New York. Now I wait and watch and the Senate results come in.

Moment of Clarity #34

Movies like the Ring and the Grudge have made me racist. I am now specifically afraid of small Japanese children.

a scene based on a sentence i overheard

WOMAN
you have my phone?

MAN
yeah. here.

WOMAN
why do you have my phone?

MAN
you gave it to me.

WOMAN
no i know i did. i was asking myself. can't remember why i gave it to you.

MAN
oh ok. you didn't tell me.

WOMAN
no i know. i said i was asking myself.

MAN
ok. so that was embarassing.

WOMAN
it was?

MAN
uh yes, kate. I proposed to you and you got up a walked out to have a cigarette. that's embarrasing. i'm embarassed.

WOMAN
sorry.

MAN
so i guess i jumped the gun or something, right?

WOMAN
no no no. i just...i don't know, i'm feeling a lot of pressure. everyone i know is getting married and my mom was asking me about you in that way last night.

MAN
in "that way"? what? you can't even say it?

WOMAN
yeah you know what i mean

MAN
i know i love you. haha. yes that came out in a cilche' moment, but fuck. i'm sure everyone is in there wondering what the hell is going on. we're out here on the street. its 3 am and i'm now uncertain on the future of this relationship.

WOMAN
look. i just need to think ok.

MAN
no i don't think you do. you're going to overthink it until you have no more feelings for me. just...whatever. i'm going back inside. you coming?

WOMAN
no.

MAN.
huh. great. goodnight then.

WOMAN
hey...

MAN
no i don't want to hear it. goodnight.

This post was written at 3am

What a long winding journey i had to get home last night. After doing "Crash Test" I was suppoed to hang out at a bar with A. Ansari, N. Kroll, J. Mulaney, C. Peretti and J. Carlos. It was like one of my dreams when I was in 3rd grade: I turned around and everyone was gone. I had no clue where they went. I just knew the name of the bar: "Half King." My phone was dead, so I couldn't call anyone or receive info that was being transmitted to me. So I walked around just looking for the place before remembering a bar at which people from the UCB hang out. I thought "that must be the place" and headed over there to find out it was not the right place. It had a different name. I went in and asked for the phonebook. I found the address for "The Half King" and made my way over there. By the time I got there everyone was gone. Of course they're gone, I was 30 min late.

I walked down 23rd St. from 10th Ave to Broadway. Something is wrong with the train there so I walked down to Union Square and waited waited waited. I finally got on the train and for some reason the air conditioner was blasting cold air. Ridiculous. Its cold fall outside, but it was winter in that car. Eventually we slowly made our way through the system. A homeless man complete with a cart full of bags and a hunchback mades his way onto the car. Somehow I ended up being the person closest to him. This next sentence is not an exaggeration. He smelled so bad my balls began to hurt. That doesn't even make sense. I got a whiff of his odor and my balls began to ache. A pulsing ache that i'd never experienced. I wasn't sitting strangely nor did I have a pencil mistakenly jabbing into my scrotum. Just the odor of pee and failed aspirations. Maybe the smell was so bad that my sperm were trying to retreat from it. It was the sperm version of Chernobyl or Pompeii and they were all trying to escape, but, of course, there is no escaping my testes.

I think I might have a serious sleeping problem.

Randomness

There's something about seeing someone that's very "alternative" doing something normal. Its just such a blunt object taken to my sense of reality. It doesn't add up in the equation of my implicit association with them. Sure you've got red leather pants, a original Rush World Tour T-shirt, and a Mohawk, but you're on crutches. Sure you've got a eagle tattoo with the face of Lincoln across your chest, but you're taking out the trash. Sure you've got a tattoo of every Pink Floyd album cover all the way around your neck and a nose ring that has a chain attached to your nipples, but you're pushing a baby carriage. And your wife looks like a manager at an Arts and Crafts store in Duluth. Its just disorienting.

What was it like to dream before TV and Movies? The perspective of those mediums have become so ingrained in our heads people dream and imagine thing as if they were a movie. But before those mediums people had only first person perspective. Maybe also the occasional look in a mirror. The average dream now consists of a dozens images and ways of experiencing those images that you'd find in any movie. Its very common to dream that you're not inside your own body. And their are shots that are framed like movie scenes (at least in my dreams). I assume when there was less distraction, the average dream was "My my my I was standing on a hill looking into a river. It was the Most Chilling and Introspective dream I've ever had." Is there anyone out there that just dream simple things? I've been having a lot of dreams that are only about things that are happening. Dreaming about sleeping. Ugh. I must be very disturbed.

The Greatest Sales Pitch Ever

I'm tired of being nice to people. I want to start being a dick. Cuz then when people are shitty back to me they have a reason. Also there's too much responsibility in being nice. Once you've been nice to people they expect you to do shit. Like say hello, or come to their birthday parties, or buy them a meal when they're broke cuz you "don't want to see them starve." When you're an asshole and you don't go to someone's birthday party, no prob, you're just being consistent.

On my way to my show which used to be in the East Village, I witnessed the best sales pitch ever. I was being pitched. I was walking down East 13th St. while little kids played in the street with some sort of inflatable ball. I was texting or looking at the time or just not paying attention to my path. A kid yelled in the street so I turned to see the commotion. I realized again that there's no difference in the scream of "I'm having a great time" and "I've just had my leg run over and broken by a Dodge Ram" to a child. When I turned back around I was in front of a woman sitting at a table with a stern face. I looked to the side and the sign said Psychic. She pointed at me and with an intense calm said the words "You." That's it. "You." The first thought I had was "Oh man. She's know some shit!" I almost talked to her but thought better of it and walked away.

There's always a fear for me in going to psychics. I'm afraid the first thing they'll say is "you masturbate a lot."

And even if they don't think that first, the whole time I'll be trying to not think about them telling me I masturbate which of course will make me think about it harder until the word "Masturbate" is just repeating loudly in my head. The psychic will sense the word and say "Masturbate?" I will then throw over the table and scream "How dare you, sir?! HOW DARE YOU?" Which is weird because it'll be a woman. She'll say "Sir? I am no man! Ah! You've ruined my vase!" But of course she'll have said it "vahz." I'll be like "vahz? vahz? It's fucking vayss you ass!" She'll say "No one insults Madame Beniot!" Suddenly I'll be cursed by the shemale psychic and all because I succumbed to the greatest sales pitch I've ever known.

Moments of Clarity #32 and #33

The problem with movies about Martial Arts and Breakdancing is I walk out of them thinking I can do both.

My least favorite response from a girl to the question "Why do you find him sexy?" is "He reminds me of my dad."

Funky Cold Medina

I've had a chessburger for breakfast/lunch for the past few days. Perhaps I should start a countdown to my death now. When I say, I need to eat better I mean in it the way smokers say "I need to quit."

I was in a cab the other day and the cab driver was quite stereotypical. The first thing he said to me was "the jews are ruining everything, my firend!" He was talking specifically about his business that day. It was a high holy day and according to him, "they expect the whole city to shut down." I could tell his anger was at something bigger and maybe something a bit more life consuming. I wouldn't doubt if he's the kind of person that wakes up, stubs his toe and yells "JEWS!" I wouldn't doubt that the moment he laid eyes on his deformed whale baby he exclaimed to the heavens, "JEWS!"

He was in a good mood though and kept narrating how he felt about the traffic with pepperings of the familial "my friend." There was a point where I suddenly found that phrase amazingly unoriginal. Really? My friend? That again? Come on man, every cab driver says that! Watch a movie! Use someting from that. I would prefer that movie be from the 80s. So then cabbies would say stuff like, "Where are you going, home skillet?"
"That'll be $11, brotherman."
"No Brooklyn, sexual chocolate soul brother!"

At least I can feel like I have some style. Once you get called that you feel like that. I'll get out walking and talking like a graphic from a Parliament Funkadelic Album cover. I'll be like,
"Yeah, I dig!
Let me put my sunglasses on.
That's the law around here, you got to wear your sunglasses.
So you can feel cool.
Gangster lean.
Y'all should dig my sun-rooftop.
Well, allright. Hey I was diggin' on y'alls funk for awhile.
Sounds like it got a three on it though, to me.
Then I was down south and I heard some funk with some main ingredients
Like Doobie Brothers, Blue Magic, David Bowie.
It was cool,
But can you imagine Doobiein' your funk? Ho!
WEFUNK, we funk."

Someone to Watch

It's time for another edition of Someone to Watch!! This episode features Todd Louiso. This guy is just hilarious and has an ability to do great things with small roles. He puts a lot of nuance into the various roles he's done that makes you remember him as "oh that guy is in this? I love that guy!"

I just recently saw him in "School for Scoundrels" which is Todd Phillips' (Old School, Starsky & Hutch) new film. You may also remember him as Dr Steven Price, the snake expert, in Snakes on a Plane. As well as the weird nanny in Jerry Maguire, and, of course, as Dick, the clerk in the music store with Cusack and Black in High Fidelity. If you're a fan of indies, especially ones with Philip Seymour Hoffman, you may also recognize him as the director of the very depressing Love Liza.

Todd attended the School for the Creative and Performing Arts in Cincinnati, Ohio from 4th grade all the way to 12th. He ended up going to film school at NYU afterwards and graduated in 92 and landed in a rold in Scent of a Woman. Ever since then he's been jumping around from part to part on TV and movies and had rightfully earned his status as "oh that guy!"

One of my favorite things about Todd is that he's full of surprises. I'm always taken aback that this little seemingly plain bald man has a comedic fearlessness that lends such color to his characters. He's also someone that understands tone. He never seems out of place. He never goes over the top; instead he brings very subtle chocies to round out a character in a believable way but pushes it to the absurd just enough that you laugh loudly. Mr Louiso, I salute you.

How Am I Not Home?

OK. I'll come right out and admit it. I don't have a day job. Haven't had one for about a year and a half. A luckily I've done enough paying acting/stand up gigs that I make ends meet. Although there are the times where I literally just run out of money. Commercials do pay a lot, but not as much as most people think. Also, it runs out quick when you don't have a stuy income. I have a check right now that i haven't cashed. I don't know if or when the next one is coming. Once I cash it I have no more income.

Of course, it frees me up to go to auditions to create other opportunities for income. True indeed. But here's the thing about auditions: they're auditions. I might not get it. Statistically there's little chance of it. But while I'm running from audition to audition it leaves me little time to try to write and create stuff for myself. Like writing on this blog. Or writing a movie, TV show, stand up jokes.

I haven't watched TV in a long while. That's just because I'm out all day and when I get home (on average somewhere between 1-3am) I usually have to get to sleep depending if I have an early audition. I wake up and hour and a half early. Hour to get ready. 30 mins travel time. And I'm usually still late. I LOVE TV! Fuck you and whatever you think about that. But I haven't had time to watch it and that sucks. I'm paying for cable I should be able to put a few hours aside to watch it otherwise I'm paying for nothing! I want to watch Weeds dammit! Is that to much to ask?

HeHe HoHo

If I were in my 20s in the early 80s people would say my name when they talk about their hip hop influences. I would be an originator. Most of what you had to do in the 80s was rap about what you saw and then have a really cool rhythmic laugh.

"We're in a room. A big ass room
Sometime it'll get dirty and we'll neep a broom
We'll be scrubbing and cleaning and just won't stop
Then some crazy dude will produce a mop
There's a guy in the front row lives in the ghetto
Owes me 20 dollars so to him I say no no
I seriously need it cuz i want to see a movie
Hey! He placed it in my hand, that's really really groovy
HAha Ha ha!"

In 1984 that would be considered genius. I was just re watching a classis film called "Beat Street" which is the bomb diggity. Just a classic and one of the first movies to show what the "youth" were doing in NYC at that time. At the end of the movie there's a celebration that future Grandmaster Flash and the Furious Five. Grandmaster Flash unleases a furious flow that I think still holds true today. Here's a portion of the lyrics...

"Christians killed Muslims, and Germans killed Jews
And everybody's bodies are used and abused, Huh!
Minds are poisoned and souls are polluted
Superiority complex is deep rooted
Leeches and lices, and people got prices
Egomaniacs control the self-righteous
Nothing is sacred and nothing is pure
So the revelation of death is our cure
Dachau, Auschwitz, Hiroshima
Vietnam, Leningrad, Iwo Jima
Okinawa, Korea, The Philippines
Devastation, death, catch the killing machine man
The peoples in terror, the leaders made the error
And now they can't even look in the mirror
Cause we gotta suffer while things get rougher
And that's the reason why we got to get tougher
To learn from the past and work for the future
And don't be a slave to no computer
Cause the Children of Man inherits the land
And the future of the world is in your hands"

Yeah...

...its been a while. I've been running around a lot lately. When i'm not at home i'm not around my computer and don't have the opportunity to write. Sadness indeed. I will update soon. SOON I TELL YOU! For now, however, I'm gonna play with my new digital camera. HELL YEAH!!! More stand up to be taped!!

Bush LOVED The Rock.

Jivemn2 : Mnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn, hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.

Attndnt : Can I get you something?

Jivemn2 : S'mo fo butter layin' to the bone. Jackin' me up.
Tightly.

Attndnt : I'm sorry I don't understand.

Jivemn1 : Cutty say he cant hang.

Woman4 : Oh stewardess, I speak jive.

Attndnt : Ohhhh, good.

Woman4 : He said that he's in great pain and he wants to know
if you can help him.

Attndnt : Would you tell him to just relax and I'll be back as
soon as I can with some medicine.

Woman : Jus' hang loose blooood. She goonna catch up on the`
rebound a de medcide.

Jivemn2 : What it is big mamma, my mamma didn't raise no dummy, I
dug her rap.

Woman4 : Cut me som' slac' jak! Chump don wan no help, chump
don git no help. Jive ass dude don got no brains
anyhow.

There's a scene in the movie "The Rock" where theere is a mutiny. Ed Harris' character shows that he doesn't want to kill innocent people so he's relieved of his command. 3 soldiers have guns pointed at him and one doesn't. He's then told -

"Major Baxter, you're either
with us or against us."

Hmm, I wonder where else I've heard that.

And God said "Let there be Black People..."

This is what happens when Joe Mande is bored at work.

Play this and stare.
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Stop it, Baron

I dedicate this to the people in Queens. A gentleman I know by the name of Dave Hill made this and the first time I saw it I laughed heartily. You'll only get this if you live in NYC and have seen this local commercial.



I can't buy anymore books. That's what happens when I start getting money. I'll wander into a bookstore and just pick up the first 5 things that my eye catches. What can I say? I like knowledge. Eh, ladies? Knowledge.

These are the last few things I picked up.
Misquoting Jesus by Bart D. Ehrman - heard about this in TIME in a little snippet from Craig as in THE Craig from Craigslist.

Microthrills by Wendy Spero - had met Wendy before but was reintroduced to her at a few NYC comedy shows. She's very funny and might be the single most adorable person I've ever met.

The Paradox of Choice by Barry Schwartz - saw this a long time ago when I purchased "Mediated" which is one of my new favorite books.

Soul on Ice by Eldridge Cleaver - a classic book of essays written during the 60s by a disenfranchised angry black man. My cup of tea.

Lew Hunter's Screenwriting 434 - a friend suggested I get this if I want to write movies. It helped him a great deal.

Death etc. by Harold Pinter - a small collection of short plays, poems and speeches by my favorite playwright and Nobel Prize winning author.

I still have many books I haven't read. I need to just read EVERYTHING on my bookshelf. I don't know what it is about having a bunch of books on it that makes me feel like I have an identity. I've read maybe 75% of what I have.

Git ta readin!

For some reason...

...New York City has decided to pull in a whole fleet of brand new to newish taxicabs. Of course, my predictable joke is "finally new fresh smelling cabs with leather interiors that still won't pick me up." OH!

Of course we're all accustomed to the Ford Crown Victoria pictured to the right (this is a 2006 model, I'm sure the cars they have range from 98-02). I like to call them the FC Vic's. Most people don't know what the hell I'm talking about. I'll say "Hey let's go get in an FC Vic" and I'll usually say it after someone asks me the time or my middle name. No one knows what I mean. Also, they are hard to recognize when they're not painted yellow or without the word "Police" written on the side with sirens on top. Isn't it hilarious that cabs and cop cars are the same model? One will be damned before they pick me up, the other CAN'T WAIT to get me in the back seat. OH!

The other day I was walking down the street with friends in the East Village area and there were a few of us. We were going to a party I think. A birthday party. And it was far enough that it would take a while to walk, but close enough that a cab would be inexpensive. At that moment, a van cab passed by which is of course the Toyota Sienna. he refused to take us. Refused. One friend of course was angry about it. As he is right to be. There is a law. A what? A law. Well what's a law? Glad you asked. WOW! Dictionary.com has 22 definitions as a noun. Must be an interesting concept. Here's the first 4.

1. the principles and regulations established in a community by some authority and applicable to its people, whether in the form of legislation or of custom and policies recognized and enforced by judicial decision.
2. any written or positive rule or collection of rules prescribed under the authority of the state or nation, as by the people in its constitution. Compare bylaw, statute law.
3. the controlling influence of such rules; the condition of society brought about by their observance: maintaining law and order.
4. a system or collection of such rules.

Hmm, so apparently there is a law that New York City cab drivers CAN NOT refuse a fare. But they do do do. Not all. I'm not gonna lump them together, but as a lot of people in this city know from personal experience that certain drivers will not take certain people to certain areas. This particular driver didn't want to take we 5 people to our destination. "Not even a few blocks." That is a quote.

The other day I had a cab driver (driving the new Ford Escape - escape from Manhattan) who actually said to me "I was looking for someone to go to Queens." WHAT? Wow. Sometimes there are the people are are refreshing. Maybe even personable. Sometimes they are funny. Smart. But still whenever I get into a cab with no problems, its so confusing I don't know what day it is. I think to myself "Is it February? Hooray, 28 days I can catch a cab." (That's a black history month joke for those who don't know.)

I am the Snake on this Train

I’m on a Train to Boston. Yes, train.

I decided to splurge because I wanted to be comfortable and on time, but of course it worked out that the train was 40 minutes late and I’m going be in Boston 15 minutes before the first show I’m supposed to do starts. Indeed I shall rush over to the Studio.

On this train I’m listening to music and what I’m into right now is something I’m gona call Brit Hop. British Hip Hop. Its getting bigger and bigger. Actually I don’t know if that’s true at all. It is to me. I feel like a lot of people have heard of Dizzee Rascal, The Streets and MIA, but I’m listening to some people that haven’t quite caught on in America. First off there’s JME.

I’m digging JME. Someone friended me on the Myspace and had his music on their page. I went to his page and I was like “whadda hell?” He’s got some nice syncopated beats and a flow that reminds me on a conversational Busta Rhymes. Some of his lines are so simple that they’re absurdly hilarious like the beginning of his song “Awoh”

Boy you better know
CEO
Boy you better know
CEO
That’s me
JME
So Shh Hut Yuh Muh
You need to tighten up your CV (British for resume)
Microsoft Word
That’s you
You’re a nerd
Stop MCing go to the shops
Have a drink

At first, I didn’t know if he knew he stuff was funny. When I heard what I believe was his hit “Serious” (at least for the fact that he references it in most of his other songs), I saw that he knew. The first lines go

Everybody thinks to MC tough
Your lyrics must be about nega’ive stuff.
Go ravin, no one skankin,
Turn round, I bet you someon’s shankin’
Just cuz we come from the guttah
And we know about scrapin the bott’m of da buttah
Don’t mean we have to be sinners
Major labels don’t want killers
Think
Who’s gonna sign a guy with a shank
Or a guy wif a 9mil
All you’re gonna get is a free freak-a-dil
You MC a rave and get a bill
But that bill ain’t gon last
It will go fast
And it might be the last chips for a while
So you won’t have no dough for a while

To the beat
Just bob your head to the beat
If you don’t wanna dance to the beat
Just bob your head to the beat
If you don’t wanna dance or lean back
Then bob your head to the beat
If you don’t wanna dance to the beat
Just bob your head to the beat

And you will bob your head.

Also, there’s Lady Sovereign (she’s in JME’s top friends and he’s in hers). She calls herself the biggest midget in the game. Already funny. She’s got a really interesting voice and style with songs like “Shh!” and “Adidas Hoodie.” And ya gotsta to remember in England they pronounce it AH-dee-das unlike here where we pronounce it ah-DEE-das.

Here’s the “Adidas Hoodie Remix” and its Mizz Beats Ft Lady Sovereign, Skepta, JME, Ears, Jammer & Baby Blue. Enjoy.

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I didn't even have to use my AK...you could say it was a good day.

Yeah yeah yeah, mofo!

So today marked a historical event for me. And by "me" I mean "my mom." I filmed Law and Order: Criminal Intent today. This fulfills one of my mothers greatest dreams for me which was to be on her favortie show on TV. And by "favorite" I mean "we watched a Law and Order: Criminal Intent marathon on New Years Eve as a means of counting down." When I told that to Vincent D'Onofrio and Kathryn Erbe, they looked at me much like the photo to the left. They were confused and maybe a little afraid. I guess its the equivalent of someone saying to me "Hey I watched a video or your stand up and stared at a picture of you for 4 hours until it was midnight and then I celebarted by making noise and setting off miniature explosives! YAY!"

I kept thinking to myself the whole time I was was there that it would be HILARIOUS if there was a real murder on the set of Law and Order. Why would that be funny you ask? I'm tell you. Cuz no one would be able to tell who the real cops are and aren't. The costumes are very authentic. Its disorienting. It'd be a jumble of actors and real cops and what a Mad Cap Romp 'twould be! I don't want anyone to die, but if it resulted in tale of mistaken identity to rvial that of the Bard's Twelfth Night, PLAY ON!

The highlight of the night though was standing on a pier of Long Island City made to look like an outdoor bar/party in the rain. Outdoors. In the drizzle and wind that got worse as the night went on. And we had to look like we were having fun and not wet and cold. Very nice indeed.

BUT EVEN TO OUTDO THAT, was the wonderful experience of waiting in the rain after I'd been wrapped. I stood with a broken umbrella while 3 cabs looked right at me and passed me by refusing to take me somewhere that is only 10 minute drive away (i had no clue how to get back). I stood and walked around for 45 minutes until a clueless driver picked me up. I mean was what I thinking? Why would I expect them to pick me up? Its not February!

All in all it was a fun experience and I met some good people. I was angry I had to cancel 3 spots tonight including the premiere of my own show, but Law and Order happens. I'm wet. I'm cold. I'm tired. I just spilled water in my own bed. Great.