Moment of Clarity #2

I think it was the ancient Babylonians that believed vaginal secretions equaled the nectar of youth. Remember that the next time you make a remark about how young Dick Clark looks.

Stereotypes....the sequel

Its quite jarring when you see someone who is a walking talking stereotype. Even when its a lesser version. For instance, I was just walking down the street enjoying a delicious frosty class of orange soda (Crush for you aficionados) and I wondered to myself how many white people are seeing me do this and thinking "I knew it"? I know at least one did because he came up to me, stuck his finger in my face and exclaimed, "I knew it! You people love Orange Soda!" Then he threw a chicken wing at me and ran away laughing with glee. It does bring up an interesting question though. What happened to all the Stereotypers? I mean there used to be a lot of people who acted in a particular way which is where the type came from, but then they kind of faded into the fold. Maybe its that I live in New York and so I'm used to certain types and don't question them and the ones I'm subconciously looking for don't appear as often. Maybe its that I'm conciously thinking about my subconcious which doesn't make it sub anymore and I tune out to my immediate surroundings. So I'm not thinking about those types until they magically appear...and when they show up? Hoo Doggies!

I was walking down the street with some friends of mine and then one of the gayest men I've ever seen walks by. He had the swivellenest hips I had ever seen and the patented gay lisp. He sounded like they transposed Will and Grace for a partly snake audience. My friend looked at him and said "What a Faggot." Now here's the kicker: my friends were gay. Last time I checked gay men don't really use "faggot" like black people say "niggah." Sup my Faggot? Faggot, puh-lease! But apparently my friends felt this man was doing gay men an ill service.

I can relate. Everytime I see a black guy walking down the street with a chicken wing in one hand and a half eaten watermelon in the other with 3 illegitimate kids walking behind him fighting over a glass of red Kool Aid until one of them drops it prompting the dad to say "I told ya'll to share Dammit!" simultaneously yelling at his baby's mama over a cell phone "i been looking for a job all day" I think to myself - Dammit! He's ruining it for everyone else.

OR

When I see a 65 year old Republican guy driving down the street in a yellow HumVee with an "I Love Bush" bumper sticker next to a "Fuck Iraq" sticker blasting the hits of Lawrence Welk + Foreigner while his wife sews doilies and complains about their renegade son who's turned into an environmentalist bleeding heart pussy while the man throws Columbian babies out the car window denying any knowledge of sweat shops over the phone while his pockets grow $20 bills that he uses to light illegal Cuban cigars until he pulls over and jumps out his car to shoot his guns in the air like Yosemite Sam - everytime I see that I say "I knew it."

Recap of a Convo

A few weeks ago, there were headlines (at least there were online - I don't trust things written on paper) that read "King Tut Mystery Solved." The following is a conversation between Leo Goodman and myself.

BARON: Finally they figured this out!

LEO: Thank God. I've been in stitches waiting to hear what the outcome was. I mean its been what? A few centuries? That's a lot of magazines in the waiting room if you know what I mean.

BARON: Really though. They talk about it with this urgency like they are out of breath or something "Hey guys! We figured it out. He wasn't murdered!"

LEO: What's it say?

BARON: It says that the "myth" of Tut dying from a blow to the head is false because there was no evidence of trauma. Although they found that one of his legs was broken and may have become infected which caused him to die.

LEO: Couldn't somebody have broken his leg?

BARON: That's what I'm saying!

LEO: I mean there are other ways to kill a person besides a blow to the head. Or so my mother would say when she tucked me in at night!

BARON: Oh, Leo! (sitcom moment)
So they just dug up his body and did tests? What about the curse?

LEO: Maybe someone made up the curse because they didn't want people to know how he died.

BARON: If it took them all this time to find out about Tut, that means we'll never find out about Tupac and Biggie. There's no hope.

LEO: Maybe they are related.

BARON: Yeah. Maybe that's all part of the curse.

LEO: Maybe people killed Tupac because they found out he was related to Tut.

BARON: Maybe some people who hate rap went back in time.

LEO: Maybe some country bumpkins invented a time machine.

BARON: Maybe.

LEO: Maybe.

BARON: Maybe they tried to hit Tut in the head but he was getting away so they threw a boomerang at his leg.

LEO: How'd they get a boomerang?

BARON: If they can have a time machine, they can have boomerangs.

LEO: Bumpkins are a resourceful people.

BARON: So they come back to the future and...

LEO: It didn't work. Tupac still existed. So they had to take matters into their own hands.

BARON: They kill Biggie to make it look like a conspiracy. Which it was: just not the one people think.

LEO: Yeah because they already killed Nefertiti in their time journeys because they found out she was an ancestor of Biggie Smalls, but that didn't work.

BARON: So they kill them both, but then they find out someone overheard their plans and went back in time and somehow fixed the damage they did. Which is why things were the same when they came back to the present.

LEO: So then the bumpkins face off in a battlefield called Time against a rogue bandit who stops their evil plans.

BARON: And that man is...

LEO: Suge Knight.

BARON: Oh my God. Call Miramax.

for good measure a complete list of all black persons employed as cast members on Saturday Night Live

1. Garrett Morris
2. Eddie Murphy
3. Yvonne Hudson
4. Damon Wayans
5. Danitra Vance
6. Tim Meadows
7. Chris Rock
8. Ellen Cleghorne
9. Tracy Morgan
10. Maya Rudolph
11. Dean Edwards
12. Jerry Minor
13. Finesse Mitchell
14. Kenan Thompson
(Number with "M" last names: 6)

Girls With Big Breasts Shouldn't Run

Sure its fun for guys like me to watch and it seems like it'll get you to your destination faster, but the only thing it'll speed up is the meeting between your nipples and your knees. I invite debate from any qualified physicist.

Moment of Clarity #1

Right now somewhere in America there is a White Supremacist getting a tan.

WHITE SUPREMACIST: I hate Blackies and Darkies of all kinds, but boy do I love a good Bronzing!

ONLOOKER: Does that mean you don't mind Latinos?

WHITE SUPREMACIST: What? No! I hate those little job stealers! Get out of my light!

Sub(concious)Way

Some thoughts about riding the Subway

When you hold the pole, you are holding hands with every person who has ever held the pole. Same goes with sitting down. Next time you get into a fight with a stanger remember how much hand holding and ass rubbing you've done and hold it close to your heart of hate. It may help.

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When you get a chance, make sure to ride the 1/9 or the A train on a hot humid summer day during rush hour between 42nd St and Columbus Circle. Ride it back and forth all day while the sun is up for an entire week and that will be the closest you ever ever get to knowing what its like to be in a slave ship. (and its still not that close)

Racially Insensitive Joke (for Easter)

Nothing is better than a racially insenstive joke that also crosses the boundaries of religion. The more sacred cows that are being hit with one stone, the better. With that in mind, a friend of mine called me today to say to me "Happy Easter from your favortie Jew." I said to her, "You know, I should be thanking you. I wouldn't have Easter if you hadn't killed my lord."