unicorn rap

Becky Poole asked me to do her unicorn themed sketch show the other day becuz I told her I would write a rap about unicorns. Its the origins of a hunter. Here it is..

Redirect your eyes and I apologize I’m gonna tell you a story
When I get to the details about entrails it might get a little gory
I saw something bout a week ago it was really gross I’ve been feeling forlorn
Cuz I saw a grown male get impaled by a mothahfuckin unicorn
First let me get on the level they were made by the devil and I tell you that evil by the Master
And they’re cute to boot so freak and run when you see one cuz they’re gonna reek Disaster
Don’t try to pet em or feed em cuz you’re palms start bleeding indeed that’s called stigmata
And they smell it, slim, i said its candy to them (okay?) and you’re the piñata
I’m came to comprehend it, I was drinking with a descendant of the ancient druids
Mixin drops of schnapps lager and water with all kinds of mystic fluids
And he said “hey man” right in the middle of our drinking binge
“You know my grandfather 83 was one of the ones that built Stone Henge?”
I said “no” and he said “yeah – that is wizard nobility”
“And there’s a treasure passed down which is now my responsibility”
“I’d like to show you something and it is kind a secret,”
“But before we go to see promise me that you can keep it.”
I said “Man, I hope I ain’t gonna end up dead in a mothahfuckin car trunk”
“taken advantage of and forced to forbidden love cuz I was really fucking drunk”
and he said “no, man, I got a plan, stan, I’m really being serious…
what’s more once you see what we I got in store for you you’re gonna be delirious”
So we set out in the darkest hours, there were scattered showers
And we persisted up a bitch of twisted mountains roads for hours
It was 3 in the morning feeling uneasy and queasy it wasn’t gonna yield
Right before I passed out we stopped in the middle of a field
We got out I thought I would freeze it was 40 degrees not to mention the tress
Surrounding us looking ominous reaching up like they were begging please
And I wanted to scoot saw him take a flute and he blew but there no sound
I looked down to frown looked up was astounded they all around
Unicorns, white horses with the single horn but they had blood red eyes
Leering at us, sneering at us I felt a fear in my inner thighs
And my friend said “uh oh fuck we’re outta luck it didn’t work.”
“We got about 10 seconds I reckon before they go beserk.”
So we ran and they chased us snapping their jaws wanting to taste us.
Was this my fate? They wanted us on a plate ever since they faced us.
I ran as fast as I can what can I say made it back to car.
I yelled for my friend but this was the end he didn’t make it as far.
And I watched in horror as they pierced his gut, pierced his throat and chest.
Blood shooting out like a geyser as they ripped his flesh.
But he reached out let out a shout while they ate him alive
“Don’t go for help, save yourself!” and that’s how I survived.
So I made a vow to everyone its not so fun I won’t stop til I’m done,
Ridding the world of every unicorn boy and girl with my sword and my gun.
Cuz now they’re loose to seduce you into traps with their magical beauty
I’ll destroy them all until I fall and that’s the story of my duty.

My First Time

I talked to my ex from high school recently and she reminded me about my first time. I had completely forgotten it since I do it all the time now and have gotten good at it. Or at least I don't fumble as much as I did then.

I recalled it last night while hanging out with Jesse Joyce and he asked me how long i'd been doing it. I told him and as someone who has been doing it less than 5 years I also talked about how long I'd been planning on doing it, how I wrote jokes and did routines for my friends before I actually ever did it at a club on stage in front of people who didn't know me. Then I recalled a conversation with my old girlfriend (who is still one of my best friends), Daneal, in which she totally jogged my memory.

My senior year of high school I was involved in this project where they let 4 students direct one act plays for an evening of theatre. Somehow I became the stage manager and board operator and at the few shows we had I went onstage, made some announcements and warmed them up with a few jokes. Keep in mind I've always been a jukebox of comedian's bits. I can do at least 5 minutes of almost every comic I know in NYC. And back then Comedy Cental (which was HA!) had shows like "The A List" "Dr Katz" and various specials from which I soaked up jokes and regurgitated them to my friends with my own twist.

I told jokes around the theme of "travel" and did a joke by Marc Maron, Emo Phillips, Anthony Clark and Eddie Izzard in that order. Of course, I paraphrased greatly.

Maron:
I read in the paper the other day about these two guys who would shoot steroids and work out multiple times a week. Like this was their ritual and one day one of them goes temporarily insane, decides he's strong enough to stop a moving car, goes to the freeway to do so and dies in the process. Now, if out take out how morbid this is, you have a very funny situation. I mean where were his friends when he was like "AAAH! To hell with these machines...i'm gonna go stop a moving car." They were totally oblvious to that? "Okay. do you need a spot?" So imagine you're driving down the freeway after work maybe listening to some music and all of a sudden this huge hulking figure comes out of no where and thrusts "AAAAAAAARRRGH!" And you go BOOM - right over him. What do you say to the cops? "Yeah...uh...I just ran over a super hero. Um...i'm not sure which one, he wasn't wearing his costume. What? Tell him to move the car - he couldn't STOP the car! Come scrape Spidey up!"

Emo:
I like to travel. I went to Hawaii and it was nothing like i thought. I thought people would be wearing grass skirts and coconut halves on their breasts, but i was the only one.

Clark:
I went to the vatican city. I'm looking at the vatican and i notice this lady all in black staring at me from across the street with a baby. And she's got 2 grown up kids too - all in black. Out of nowhere she throws the baby at me. Just throws it - lobs it through the air. I'm like OH MY GOD I HAVE TO CATCH THIS BABY! I position myself to catch it and as I am her bigger kids run across the street and pick my pockets. Take my cash, credits cards, traveler checks - everything - and then they are gone and i'm standing there with a baby. So...you know...let that be a travelling tip for you. If a women throws a baby at you, just swat it to the ground swat it and go "I DON'T THINKK SO!"

I'll leave out the Izzard joke. Its more well known now. About Neil Armstrong's speech on the moon which I saw him do on Comic Relief before his HBO special that broke him to American audiences. So there you have it. I followed in the footstep of many comics before me that copied someone else before them. Bill Hicks who did Woody Allen bits. Damon Wayans and Eddie Murphy who copied Pryor. Pryor who copied Cosby. I just hope someday a high schooler who doesn't know he's a comic yet will tell my jokes to his friends.

:-)

Watching two women who seem to be old friends having a great time, even though one speaks very little English, just made my day.

Moment of Clarity #21

Its interesting that the troubadours of old sang songs of love with an instrument called the "lyre." Don't read the word. Say it. "Lyre."

Stop Staring!

I was walking around today listening to my portable CD player. That's right a portable CD player. I don't have an iPod. People with iPod kept staring at me like I was an attraction at a 1800s freak show.

"Come and see the 90s Negro! He can't afford an iPod and listens to different magical discs that only have 13 tracks of the same artist. He can only carry a few around with him! What a wondrous horrible creature! Witness him deal with scratches and CD stores!"

Its a CD player! People look at me like I'm carrying around an 8 track player plugged into a Victrola powered by a hamster chasing a piece of lettuce in a running wheel that I motivate with a tiny whip that is also a lightening rod in case the hamster tires or dies. I guess its just nice to know that I can add "iPodless" to a the growing list of things people use to discriminate. Yay! More options for living, more options for hatred.

I don't understand.

Somehow I've lost a $300 suit that was tailored to fit me perfectly and was given to me for free. Its like I'm Bush and the suit is...er...uh...I got nothing.

Worship It

My bathtub is so clogged that the backed up water takes forever to drain after a shower. So I've been taking showers with my feet in water that's days old. But I say to myself, well it's no worse the the Ganges and that's a holy place. So if anyone wants to worship and pray in my bathtub, you know how to find me.

Revealing

I was just reorganizing my CD collection which brings me great pleasure. (yes, CDs. I don't have an iPod and don't really want one). I take my collection very seriously because it and my books are only real things I own and have cultivated. I thought it might be reavealing to share a few things about my collection since you can learn a lot about a person by what they listen to. So I thought I'd show you everything in my "j" and "s" section. I organize in alphabetical order by artist name and date of release for the same artist (certain aesthetic excpetions apply). If there is a BLANK. Its because I lent that one out or lost it and want to get another copy.

--"S" Section--

Sade -
Diamond Life,
Promise,
BLANK (insert of "Best of Sade"),
Stronger Than Pride,
Love Deluxe,
Lovers Rock (Yes, that's all of them)

Save Ferris -
It Means Everything,
Modified

Franz Schubert - 3 CD Compilation

Skypark - Overbluecity (have never listened to)

Snoop Dogg - Rhythm and Gangsta

Styx -
Lady,
Greatest Hits

Sublime - 40 oz. to Freedom

The O.C. Supertones - Chase the Sun (never listen to)

Swayzak - Himawari

--"J" Section--

Michael Jackson -
Off the Wall,
BLANK (Thriller),
Dangerous

Keith Jarrett - The Melody at Night, With You

Jamiroquai - Return of the Space Cowboy

The Jayhawks - Smile (only ever listen to the 1st song)

Jay-Z -
The Blueprint,
The Black Album

Antonio Carlos Jobim - Personalidade

Quincy Jones - From Q with Love (double disc)

So there you have it. I'm like a lot of different stuff yo!

Moment of Clarity #20

Women find honesty mysterious.

Moment of Clarity #19

I don't like my crooked teeth because they match my soul.

Ego Boost - Old Fashioned Google

I was in a book store the other day and saw a book called "Best of Broadway 2004." I've seen this book before. Its an encyclopedia of pretty much the entire theatre season for whatever year it says. I thought to myself "Hey, I was on Broadway in 2004." So I turned to the index and sure enough behold my name was lo. I felt good about that. Then I bombed last night. So that keeps me in check. Its all about checks and balances.

PS. A stripper or hooker named Chastity is always funny.

Postmodern Teen Angst

A snippet of a conversation 2 teenage girls had next to me on the R train on Sunday afternoon. These two girls were having a rather passionate debate over what one of them should do with their lives. She really likes creative writing, but has the test scores to become a biologist, doctor or lawyer. Listening to these girls talk was like every sardonic, informed teenager cliche' rolled into one big stew.

1st GIRL
It's a Dog Eat Dog world! You have do to something important that has some sort of impact on humaanity! That has meaning!

2nd GIRL
How do you know writing isn't important or has meaning to me?

1st GIRL
Ok, fine! Waste your life trying to be a professional writer! (then something about when she fails how I'll have told you so but more dramatic and erudite. I believe the word "doom" was used)

2nd GIRL
Who said I wanted to be a professional writer? I'm way too materialistic to pursue that. I told you that.

It took a great deal of strength to not reach out and shake them mercilessly. I had to make myself remember it doesn't look good to a passer-by to see a black man angrily shaking too teenage girls while yelling "You shouldn't exist!" Yeah, that'd be hard to explain.

Stories of Taxicabs and Such

I was watching HBO the other day and they had on "Taxicab Confessions" which is a show where people spill their guts to a chatty cab driver while hidden cameras soak up the whole thing. It was the New York edition which was hilarious to me. I mean if you get in a cab in New York and you have an American driver that speaks perfect English doesn't that tell you something is amiss?

I've been taking a lot of cabs lately so I wanted to start a new series of stories where I share some of my cab experiences.

I've been out late a lot recently. I hate it. I don't wanna take the train that late because the wait is unbearable and i'm afraid i'll fall asleep standing and wake up on the tracks. So I do this magical thing called taking a cab home. Its magical because it turns 20 dollars in my wallet to 3. Ooooh. Aaaaaah.

Most of the time I can usually fool a yellow cab into taking me home late at night, but sometimes I'll be leaving home and i end up in a Gypsy Cab. For my non NYC readers let me explain...a Gypsy Cab is usually a run down vehicle or a town car in which the driver makes up a exhorbitant price to take you somewhere he doesn't know how to get to.

I once was running late to a gig in Crown Heights, Brooklyn so I hopped in a Gypsy cab with friend and cohort Josh Grosvent. We went from Queens to Brooklyn, but something felt wrong. The driver asked what street I was going to and I said Eastern Parkway. So he became fixated on finding Eastern Parkway not realizing that streets are long and can go across a whole city. Finding one part of it doesn't really get me to where I wanna go. "Yeah driver, just any part of that road will do. Doesn't matter where. You know what? Anyway part of a road that has a similar name will do." Josh and I knew something was wrong when he got on the Long Island Expressway and we passed Shea Stadium. Once again, for you non-New Yorkers, its like if you were in Louisiana and wanted to go to Florida, but you were headed toward Pennslyvania and you see the Liberty Bell and are like "huh?" (look at a fucking map)

So we're in a part of NY we've never been to and do not know. Josh and I are looking around seeing people wearing burquas and parkas. It was very confusing. Street signs aren't even words just cave drawings of mythical beasts shot up with arrows and spears. We have no clue where we are. The cab driver finally asks someone directions which he didn't understand so the nice (but frustrated) man said, "Just follow me. I'm going that way!"

So we finally got to where we were going after being taken a half an hour out of our way. The best part though is being charged $30 to get lost. I paid it. I didn't want to argue. I just wanted to get out that nasty hot ass cab and get to a place where everybody knows my name and they're always glad I came. So the moral of the story is...well, there is no moral...just FUCK Gypsy Cabs!

Planet X

So they found another planet in our solar system. A 10th planet! Of course, that ignites the debate of if Pluto is a planet or not as we all know and have discussed voraciously with friends, neighbors, clergy and town officials. I mean its just common sense. Mike Brown (who has an asteroid named after him - don't worry someone else named it after him not himself you judgemental bastard) discovered the planet and nicknamed it "Xena." Yes as in "warrior princess." When asked why, he said the show was his favorite when he started the search and that females are under-represented in planetary nomenclature. Yes, Mike Brown, what better way to excite and involve women in the solar system than naming a planet after a mythic lesbian warrior that had a show on FOX? Good going!! I guess the women that actually did watch Xena are probably the same 10 women that are interested in the 10th planet. The only other suitable female names are Oprah and Hilary. Either of those would have passed with flying colors. Not Condoleeza though. That's a constellation. Don't know why, but that's funny.

Oh Shit. Time to get Raw.

A gross metaphor from last night. I was hanging out with actor, Eric Anderson and comedian Eric Thomas and for some reason we were talking about having the runs (probably because we were standing in McDonald's) and I was saying that I have amazing sphincter control and I can hold the runs until I get home, but once i get home to a toilet I recognize (here it is) its like someone blowing a trumpet full of chocolate milk. Then I mimed the trumpet and made trumpet sounds. Yeah, you're never gonna think about Jazz and Nestle Quick in the same way again.

Since I ate McD's last night I needed to go this morning. I went to the Sheraton Hotel today and I went to the men's room. It was a lot grosser than I expected so I used my aformentioned skill until I got home (Sphincter Powers Activate!). But while I was in there I looked at the bathroom door and in very loving letters was written "Give a Nigger a Job, He Fucks it up Everytime." I hope he was talking about Condoleeza! Oh! My favorite thing though was that it was written a few times on various places of the door which could mean a variety of things.

1) Someone rubbed off the older ones because they could write it better.
2) The older ones faded naturally and someone decided to write it again so it could be passed down to younger generations.
3) The original author scrubbed them himself because he was disappointed with the way the letters turned out or didn't feel the message was really their in the earlier drafts. Or...
4) They wanted to make sure you really understood what was being said so they wrote it multiple times for emphasis like a piece of poetry or an expressionist word painting.

Regardless of the reason, I thought to myself does the women's room have stuff like this up? You never hear about weird racist or sexist shit written on the female bathroom walls. Maybe the occasional "Jenny's a slut" but never "For a good time call Earl" or "Niggers and Spics have too many kids!" In my experience, when a women feels a degree of racism, they go have sex with someone of that race. Some of my best relationships started that way. I guess the moral of the story is I'm doing my part to end racism, one vagina at a time. So when you see me with a white girl, give my a thumbs up or pat on the back and sing in the words of the old Negro spiritual, "Free at last! Free at last! Thank God Almighty, we are free at last!"

Any thoughts ladies?

Moment of Clarity # 17 and #18

17
People who say "You don't know me! You don't know anything about me!" are people that nobody really wants to know about.

18
Chivalry is not dead. However, it is on life support in a hospital in New Jersey. See, it opened a door for a few neighborhood ruffians and one said "What? You trying to say I'm a woman, ya punk bitch!" Shot's were fired. Chivalry is not dead, but it's on its last leg. As little as 5 cents a day can help. As much as you would pay for a cup of coffee in the 50's can help Chivalry get back on its feet and be fully alive again.

Oh really?

Oh really lady sitting next to me on the subway? My arm accidentally hits you once and that makes you feel uneasy? I got news for you. IT'S THE FUCKING SUBWAY AND ITS RUSH HOUR! THERE'S NO ROOM FOR PERSONAL SPACE!

I think its funny when people get offended. It's such a pointless and cliche' emotion. Also a bit outdated. Someone telling me they're offended by something is like them telling me they just crossed the country on a pogo stick: I don't really see why because there's no real reason, but I guess you had something to prove to youself and you wanted attention. Its pointless and whimsical. It's like someone telling me they woke up early this morn to churn the butter for Jedediah so that he may be strong to raise the barn and so God will be with him when he goes into town. I find it "cute."

PS.
One of my favortie places in New York is the Southeast corner of Central Park. I love that strech of 59th street because its full of expensive hotels and posh people desperately trying to ignore the rancid stench of horse shit in the air.

It's Here

www.baronvaughn.com

Beautiful.

Knowledge, Bitches!! / Moment of Clarity #16

Here's a few books that I've recently read or am currently reading that'll shake up how you think about some things.

Mediated by Thomas De Zengotita

Blink and The Tipping Point by Malcolm Gladwell

Freakonomics by Steven D. Levitt and Stephen J. Dubner

The Mating Mind by Geoffrey Miller

Emotional Intelligence by Daniel Goleman

Frames of Mind: The Theory of Multiple Intelligences by Howard Gardner

Confessions of an Economic Hit Man by John Perkins

The Age of Spiritual Machines by Ray Kurzweil

and that bring me too the Moment of Clarity. This is a line in my Current solo show.

"The reason I like juice from concentrate is because they really thought about it."

Moment of Clarity #15

When it is hot and you are black, its hard to tell what is sweat and what is lotion.

"Am I perspiring or is that my post shower cocoa butter with aloe vera?"