This post is entitled Alpha Mail. I don't know when i agreed with myself that the majority of my titles should be puns. I apologize.
After having lived next to 2 imcompetent post offices here in New York, I believe I have fixed my current situation. Apparently, one of the mailman who delievers to me refused to put my mail in my box because my name wasn't on it. He returned the majority of it to sender. This includes paychecks and bills.
I didn't know this was the problem until recently when I went over to the post office to pick up a package. "No Name, No Mail!" the woman screamed at me. There's no way I could have known this was the problem. Especially since the other mailman had no problem putting my mail in there assuming that since 80% of the mail that he got for that address had my name on it, I must live there. My name is now on the box. So everyone should be happy.
At my old address an envelope with a money order in it was stolen. This was around thanksgiving 2004. I was running low on cash and my grandmother was kind enough to save my ass (as she has done many times) and send me my rent. She sent a blank money order so that I could put my landlord's name on it. I never got it, and we found out it was cashed on my birthday of all days. My grandma called up Western Union and sent in her receipts and such and we never heard about it again. Nobody at the post office could help citing that we should have purchased a tracking number or insurance with a "serves you right" attitude.
Before we found out it was stolen and we thought is was just lost, my roommate joked about the likely probability of mail getting lost. I said "Yeah, except its a guy named Jacob Probability. He goes through all the mail an throws out every 10th letter if it doesn't have insurance or a tracking number."
Post 2:
Its a beautiful warm day. Sounds nice, right? Of course it does. Everyone likes warm days. Thing is, its JANUARY! Its the end of JANURAY!! We should be covered in 3 feet of snow! This weather is scary!! Just more evidence that we're reaching a point of no return with what we've done to the planet. We may have already past it.
Monday, January 30, 2006
Saturday, January 28, 2006
Tuesday, January 24, 2006
COMEDY IS FOR HUMANS
HEY HEY HEY HEY HEY!
Time for a new show bitches. Tomorrow, Wednesday, January 25th at 8pm.
Baron and Josh Present
COMEDY IS FOR HUMANS
at Mundial, 12th St. and Ave. A
with
JESS WOOD
CHRISTIAN FINNEGAN
and VICTOR VARNADO
These fantastic comics (google them) will be doing long sets! Watch them work their magic! Seriously, doves will be pulled out of asses tomorrow night!
YOWSAH
I'd like to make a public thank you to the guy on the N train last night that played "It Don't Mean a Thang" on the trumpet. A TRUMPET!! And he was good too.
Couldn't have been more the 22 years old. A TRUMPET.
I think everyone else on the train would agree with the hilarity of the woman next to you being jolted out of her sleep by...A TRUMPET!
Then the guy did a spot on impression of Louis Armstrong and it was good! Then he played the trumpet again with a mute. Nice job. Very nice job indeed. I looked around at the people on the train and I saw the smiling laughing faces and the guy next to me who could not fathom the fact that the combination of his iPod and GameBoy couldn't drown out the sound of a REAL TRUMPET. ITS REAL. NOTHING CAN BLOCK IT!
So thank you whoever you are.
Time for a new show bitches. Tomorrow, Wednesday, January 25th at 8pm.
Baron and Josh Present
COMEDY IS FOR HUMANS
at Mundial, 12th St. and Ave. A
with
JESS WOOD
CHRISTIAN FINNEGAN
and VICTOR VARNADO
These fantastic comics (google them) will be doing long sets! Watch them work their magic! Seriously, doves will be pulled out of asses tomorrow night!
YOWSAH
I'd like to make a public thank you to the guy on the N train last night that played "It Don't Mean a Thang" on the trumpet. A TRUMPET!! And he was good too.
Couldn't have been more the 22 years old. A TRUMPET.
I think everyone else on the train would agree with the hilarity of the woman next to you being jolted out of her sleep by...A TRUMPET!
Then the guy did a spot on impression of Louis Armstrong and it was good! Then he played the trumpet again with a mute. Nice job. Very nice job indeed. I looked around at the people on the train and I saw the smiling laughing faces and the guy next to me who could not fathom the fact that the combination of his iPod and GameBoy couldn't drown out the sound of a REAL TRUMPET. ITS REAL. NOTHING CAN BLOCK IT!
So thank you whoever you are.
Friday, January 20, 2006
While My Connection Works...
...I'll write something.
I went to see "Capote" yesterday. I've been wanting to see it for a while and i highly recommend it. I mean, come on, Philip Seymour Hoffman = can't go wrong. That man is ridiculously good. And his portrayal of Truman Capote is filled with the nuaunce and subtlety of an old time movie star. Then throw in the bonuses of Catherine Keener and Chris Cooper, a great script, and stunning direction and you got a movie.
Now that i'm done with my impression of a critic who knows what he's talking about i'll assume the role of the ass as i always do. Truman Capote was a great novelist, a interesting public figure and a member of an elite and fashionable circle of New York intellectuals that i don't think exist anymore (outside of comedians of course). Everyone knew who he was. He was a household name. He was an influential writer and thinker whose influence is still felt today.
I sat there watching and thought to myself "Who are we gonna be making these movies about in 10 - 30 years?" There is really no one around like that today not counting people who are already established themselves decades ago. Everyone knows there's been an influx in Biopics lately. From Ray to Walk the Line to Capote. There's a movie about Janis Joplin on the way and apparently Mike Epps is portraying Richard Pryor in the movie about his life. You'll notice, however, that these are people who peaked in the mid to late 70s. Pryor reached into the 80s, but his work in the 70s is very vivid in the minds of those that admire him.
Where are the current influential artists that are evolving the form in which they create? Why aren't they household names? Perhaps they don't exists. Maybe in 10 years we'll end up seeing Haley Joel Osment as Moby in "I Guess You Can Call This Music" Or Lindsey Lohan as Julia Roberts in "Neither Can Act" or Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen both play Paris Hilton in "Bewildered Whore." Only time will tell. All I know is that people like Truman Capote, Johnny Cash, Ray Charles, and Richard Pryor are Artists that more people saw as necessary to our way of life. Now, arts programs are the first thing from which the budget is cut cuz "Gee, we need some oil." Hey, there's an idea. Maybe we could get Michael Clarke Duncan to play the part of oil in "The Fall of the American Empire." I'd go to see that, if we're not all enslaved by then.
I went to see "Capote" yesterday. I've been wanting to see it for a while and i highly recommend it. I mean, come on, Philip Seymour Hoffman = can't go wrong. That man is ridiculously good. And his portrayal of Truman Capote is filled with the nuaunce and subtlety of an old time movie star. Then throw in the bonuses of Catherine Keener and Chris Cooper, a great script, and stunning direction and you got a movie.
Now that i'm done with my impression of a critic who knows what he's talking about i'll assume the role of the ass as i always do. Truman Capote was a great novelist, a interesting public figure and a member of an elite and fashionable circle of New York intellectuals that i don't think exist anymore (outside of comedians of course). Everyone knew who he was. He was a household name. He was an influential writer and thinker whose influence is still felt today.
I sat there watching and thought to myself "Who are we gonna be making these movies about in 10 - 30 years?" There is really no one around like that today not counting people who are already established themselves decades ago. Everyone knows there's been an influx in Biopics lately. From Ray to Walk the Line to Capote. There's a movie about Janis Joplin on the way and apparently Mike Epps is portraying Richard Pryor in the movie about his life. You'll notice, however, that these are people who peaked in the mid to late 70s. Pryor reached into the 80s, but his work in the 70s is very vivid in the minds of those that admire him.
Where are the current influential artists that are evolving the form in which they create? Why aren't they household names? Perhaps they don't exists. Maybe in 10 years we'll end up seeing Haley Joel Osment as Moby in "I Guess You Can Call This Music" Or Lindsey Lohan as Julia Roberts in "Neither Can Act" or Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen both play Paris Hilton in "Bewildered Whore." Only time will tell. All I know is that people like Truman Capote, Johnny Cash, Ray Charles, and Richard Pryor are Artists that more people saw as necessary to our way of life. Now, arts programs are the first thing from which the budget is cut cuz "Gee, we need some oil." Hey, there's an idea. Maybe we could get Michael Clarke Duncan to play the part of oil in "The Fall of the American Empire." I'd go to see that, if we're not all enslaved by then.
Tuesday, January 17, 2006
The Times are A-Changin'
Is it...? No! I think there just may be might be a cell phone in my near future. We shall see.
Wednesday, January 11, 2006
Sunday, January 08, 2006
2 things whilst I dillydally
I stayed up to catch a 3am showing of Saturday Night Live to see one sketch. The sketch ended up being at the end of the show. It was an episode from December 98 with host Vince Vaughn who was then plugging the Gus van Sant shot by shot remake of Hitchcock's "Psycho." The sketch featured Vince, Will Ferrell, Chris Parnell, and Tim Meadows and was called "Delco Cat Toys." I saw this sketch a long time ago and remembered howling. A rough draft of it is featured in Ferrell's audition included on his "Best of.." dvd, but strangely the sketch in full isn't there. Its about over zealous cat toy salesmen who take themselves way too seriously and feel a need to test the products to see if they "can make it move." It was 4:30am, I laughed and it was well worth it. Also, it was worth it to see the early stages of the friendship that spawned between Vince and Will.
Now that I've written that in the style of a 5th grade English paper. Let's move on.
Here's an expression I don't want to hear anymore "It was like a movie..." which is used to describe real moments that are so real, they're realer than real and can only be described by something that isn't real but captures things that are thus making a representation of real that is somehow better than what actually is.
Think of the times you've used that expression. It implies something that is very true: that we've made our everyday lives and experiences so boring and dull that when something good or beautiful happens its out of the ordinary. It can only be described using something that people say they go to "to escape." Like a sunset that looks so good "its like a movie." Or that certain events happened to work out in your favor or your mind was so clear you were clever all day "it was like a movie." That is sad. We've seen more sunsets in movies than in real life.
It also applies to horrible occurences. What did a lot of people say who saw the Towers go down? Especially if they saw it on TV like most people?
"It was so surreal: it was like a movie."
Now that I've written that in the style of a 5th grade English paper. Let's move on.
Here's an expression I don't want to hear anymore "It was like a movie..." which is used to describe real moments that are so real, they're realer than real and can only be described by something that isn't real but captures things that are thus making a representation of real that is somehow better than what actually is.
Think of the times you've used that expression. It implies something that is very true: that we've made our everyday lives and experiences so boring and dull that when something good or beautiful happens its out of the ordinary. It can only be described using something that people say they go to "to escape." Like a sunset that looks so good "its like a movie." Or that certain events happened to work out in your favor or your mind was so clear you were clever all day "it was like a movie." That is sad. We've seen more sunsets in movies than in real life.
It also applies to horrible occurences. What did a lot of people say who saw the Towers go down? Especially if they saw it on TV like most people?
"It was so surreal: it was like a movie."
Tuesday, January 03, 2006
Inspired by Benari
My friend Benari Poulten has a joke about the army commercial with the slogan "Army of One" in which he imagines himself to be the one and the only one sent into battle. There's a new campaign of army commercials meant to show you the validity of the skills you learn in the army and how they can apply to your life when you return from service (assuming you're not part of the 2100 we've been hearing about).
One of these commericals shows a group of firefighters driving in an engine. One is talking to the newbie about how others need to know "they can count on you. You know what I mean?" BOOM! All of a sudden you see the newbie at bootcamp training with his fellow soldiers helping each other through an ostacle course living up to the army adage "You're only as strong as the weakest link in the chain." BOOM! Back to him in the fire engine and he says "Yeah I do."
Another has a guy returning to a group of friends who are excited to see him. They ask what he was doing in the army. "Working with computers." They are a bit shocked. "Computers," they ask, "couldn't you have done that here?" BOOM! He's in a tent surrounded by high tech computers looking at various monitors and shouting directions: he's either in the middle of battle or an intense simulation. BOOM! Back in the room with his friends. He looks at them all and with a sober expression states "No, I don't think so."
So what is the message here? It seems like "Hey, join the army and enjoy constant random flashbacks!" Is one of these guys gonna be with his wife in the kitchen and she'll say "did you take out the trash?" and BOOM he's in a village in Iraq surrounded by children throwing garbage at him yelling in a language he doesn't understand while at the same time he's yelling "I'm here to help you!" and then he fires his machine gun over their heads to scare them away while other soldiers are going "What are you doing? Hold your fire! HOLD YOUR FIRE! You gave away our position!" all of a sudden random machine gun fire is coming at them from rooftops. BOOM! He's back in the kitchen talking to his wife "No I didn't take it out yet."
Go Army
One of these commericals shows a group of firefighters driving in an engine. One is talking to the newbie about how others need to know "they can count on you. You know what I mean?" BOOM! All of a sudden you see the newbie at bootcamp training with his fellow soldiers helping each other through an ostacle course living up to the army adage "You're only as strong as the weakest link in the chain." BOOM! Back to him in the fire engine and he says "Yeah I do."
Another has a guy returning to a group of friends who are excited to see him. They ask what he was doing in the army. "Working with computers." They are a bit shocked. "Computers," they ask, "couldn't you have done that here?" BOOM! He's in a tent surrounded by high tech computers looking at various monitors and shouting directions: he's either in the middle of battle or an intense simulation. BOOM! Back in the room with his friends. He looks at them all and with a sober expression states "No, I don't think so."
So what is the message here? It seems like "Hey, join the army and enjoy constant random flashbacks!" Is one of these guys gonna be with his wife in the kitchen and she'll say "did you take out the trash?" and BOOM he's in a village in Iraq surrounded by children throwing garbage at him yelling in a language he doesn't understand while at the same time he's yelling "I'm here to help you!" and then he fires his machine gun over their heads to scare them away while other soldiers are going "What are you doing? Hold your fire! HOLD YOUR FIRE! You gave away our position!" all of a sudden random machine gun fire is coming at them from rooftops. BOOM! He's back in the kitchen talking to his wife "No I didn't take it out yet."
Go Army
Friday, December 30, 2005
And I think i'm gonna out of my mind...
...over you.
Or is it "out of my head"? (I think the question mark is supposed to go inside the quotation marks)
I'm going crazy. I'm so out of it right now I think Mad TV is funny. Something is seriously wrong with me.
Mad TV is an anomaly to me. Its a show in which there are people that I think are actually funny, but somehow put together a show that is so so. I feel the same way about SNL (at times i feel that way - there are people on that show i'd like to destroy).
Look at the cast of Mad TV. Since its inception it has been fueled with inventive and interesting performers from Bryan Callen, Orlando Jones, Artie Lange, Alex Borstein, Stephanie Weir, Michael McDonald, Will Sasso, Mo Collins, Aries Spears, Phil LaMarr, Andrew Daly, Bobby Lee, Keegan-Michael Key, and, of course, Nicole Parker and Debra Wilson.
Funny people that have done a lot of funny stuff. For instance, Alex Borstein (the love of my life) is a writer on Family Guy and does a ton of voices including the voice of wisdom, Lois Griffin.
Maybe I'm wrong maybe I'm not going insane. Oh wait, right now I think "The Parkers" is funny too.
Or is it "out of my head"? (I think the question mark is supposed to go inside the quotation marks)
I'm going crazy. I'm so out of it right now I think Mad TV is funny. Something is seriously wrong with me.
Mad TV is an anomaly to me. Its a show in which there are people that I think are actually funny, but somehow put together a show that is so so. I feel the same way about SNL (at times i feel that way - there are people on that show i'd like to destroy).
Look at the cast of Mad TV. Since its inception it has been fueled with inventive and interesting performers from Bryan Callen, Orlando Jones, Artie Lange, Alex Borstein, Stephanie Weir, Michael McDonald, Will Sasso, Mo Collins, Aries Spears, Phil LaMarr, Andrew Daly, Bobby Lee, Keegan-Michael Key, and, of course, Nicole Parker and Debra Wilson.
Funny people that have done a lot of funny stuff. For instance, Alex Borstein (the love of my life) is a writer on Family Guy and does a ton of voices including the voice of wisdom, Lois Griffin.
Maybe I'm wrong maybe I'm not going insane. Oh wait, right now I think "The Parkers" is funny too.
Thursday, December 29, 2005
A dream deffered
Its late. Its 12am which I always follow up with 3am EST since I'm in Vegas.
Nothing else.
Yet.
Nothing else.
Yet.
Thursday, December 22, 2005
I'm now 25
Well the 18th was my birthday and i'm officially a quarter of a century old. Do i feel different? No. I'm still poor.
My favorite thing people said when i told them it was my birthday was "really? is it really your birthday?" Are there really that many people lying about their birthday's. I mean i know some people do it to get a free meal or a drink here and there, but do they go up to their close friends and say "It my birthday! Haha I'm joking! I'm a trickster! I totally fooled you! Even though I'm a close friend of yours I just gave you reason to never trust me about anything more important! And seeing how a birhday is really insignificant, you can't expect me to be honest about anything! MWAH HAHAHAHA! I'm an ingenious rapscallion"
People asked me what i wanted for my birthday, i just made it into a grocery list. "What do i want? Hmm, some paper towels would be nice. And some toilet paper. And maybe a few cans of Campbell's Chunky Soup. No, you know what? Its my birthday: i'm gonna be fancy. Campbell's Select."
I'm now in my hometown of Las Vegas, NV chillin with my Mom, Grandma, Step-Grandma, and Step-Dad. Most importantly though, I'm around my little sisters whom I adore. At least for the first few days. Its amazing how you could miss someone and not see them for 6 months, but once you do you're done with it in about 2 days of screaming and jumping. And by you, I mean me.
More later on my travels and also the story of the flight into Vegas sitting next to annoying tourists that made me feel nice and racist.
My favorite thing people said when i told them it was my birthday was "really? is it really your birthday?" Are there really that many people lying about their birthday's. I mean i know some people do it to get a free meal or a drink here and there, but do they go up to their close friends and say "It my birthday! Haha I'm joking! I'm a trickster! I totally fooled you! Even though I'm a close friend of yours I just gave you reason to never trust me about anything more important! And seeing how a birhday is really insignificant, you can't expect me to be honest about anything! MWAH HAHAHAHA! I'm an ingenious rapscallion"
People asked me what i wanted for my birthday, i just made it into a grocery list. "What do i want? Hmm, some paper towels would be nice. And some toilet paper. And maybe a few cans of Campbell's Chunky Soup. No, you know what? Its my birthday: i'm gonna be fancy. Campbell's Select."
I'm now in my hometown of Las Vegas, NV chillin with my Mom, Grandma, Step-Grandma, and Step-Dad. Most importantly though, I'm around my little sisters whom I adore. At least for the first few days. Its amazing how you could miss someone and not see them for 6 months, but once you do you're done with it in about 2 days of screaming and jumping. And by you, I mean me.
More later on my travels and also the story of the flight into Vegas sitting next to annoying tourists that made me feel nice and racist.
Wednesday, December 14, 2005
I see dead(funny) people...
This is a list of comics I saw today. At least the ones I know the names of...
Josh Grosvent, Victor Varnado, Liz Miele, Jen Dziura, Todd Womack, Matt Daly, Kristen Schaal, Rob Gordon, Mark Douglas, Moody McCarthy, Free to be Friends (Julie Klausner and Sue Galloway), Elon James White, Katina Corrao, Jenny Rubin, Liam McEneaney, Becky Yamamoto, Laura Mannino, Matt McCarthy, Theron Steiner, Ophira Eisenberg, Jess Wood, Desiree Burch, Matt Taylor, Dave Baldwin, Eric Andre, Sven Wechsler, Becky Donohue, Molly Reisner, Michelle Buteau, Susan Prekel, Rena Zager, Jodie Wasserman, Irene Bremis, Charlie Gaeta, Rachel Feinstein, Susannah Perlman
And that ends my list.
Josh Grosvent, Victor Varnado, Liz Miele, Jen Dziura, Todd Womack, Matt Daly, Kristen Schaal, Rob Gordon, Mark Douglas, Moody McCarthy, Free to be Friends (Julie Klausner and Sue Galloway), Elon James White, Katina Corrao, Jenny Rubin, Liam McEneaney, Becky Yamamoto, Laura Mannino, Matt McCarthy, Theron Steiner, Ophira Eisenberg, Jess Wood, Desiree Burch, Matt Taylor, Dave Baldwin, Eric Andre, Sven Wechsler, Becky Donohue, Molly Reisner, Michelle Buteau, Susan Prekel, Rena Zager, Jodie Wasserman, Irene Bremis, Charlie Gaeta, Rachel Feinstein, Susannah Perlman
And that ends my list.
Saturday, December 10, 2005
Moment of Clarity #23
Some guys kiss their biceps and say something like "Watch out for the Big Guns." I kiss mine and say "Don't worry about the sling shots."
Scrappy Dappy Doo!
There is nothing in the Bible about Christmas. Its not there. It was a pagan holiday that was absorbed as a means to convert more people to Christianity. Fact is, nobody really knows when Christ was born and if we did it wouldn't be the same day every year because we would know the date according to the Jewish Calendar which is different then the Julian Calendar which is what we use (based on moon cycles).
Now that I've got that off my chest. Let's talk. First a racist joke.
There's an exhibit in town right now called "Bodies". Its a scientific exhibit which shows the internal organs and muscles of the bodies and how they work in different circumstances. Here's the rub, they are using real bodies. Real organs, real muscles. Some people find it disturbing and disrespectful. I don't. The bodies were donated by the Chinese Government and we all know the Chinese aren't real people.
Ah inappropriate race humor. Somehow very rejuvenating. Its ok though. Seriously, some of my closest friends are Chinese. Did a cool show tonight with Becky Yamamoto. Some people included were Desiree Burch, Michelle Collins, Sara Schaefer, Lang Fisher, Michael Cyril Creighton, Tony Carnevale, Jon Friedman, Lianne Stokes...list goes on.
Now that I've got that off my chest. Let's talk. First a racist joke.
There's an exhibit in town right now called "Bodies". Its a scientific exhibit which shows the internal organs and muscles of the bodies and how they work in different circumstances. Here's the rub, they are using real bodies. Real organs, real muscles. Some people find it disturbing and disrespectful. I don't. The bodies were donated by the Chinese Government and we all know the Chinese aren't real people.
Ah inappropriate race humor. Somehow very rejuvenating. Its ok though. Seriously, some of my closest friends are Chinese. Did a cool show tonight with Becky Yamamoto. Some people included were Desiree Burch, Michelle Collins, Sara Schaefer, Lang Fisher, Michael Cyril Creighton, Tony Carnevale, Jon Friedman, Lianne Stokes...list goes on.
Friday, December 09, 2005
Another Insomnia Induced Session
I want to do more political material. The thing about it is, no matter what I do I don't feel like I know enough. And this world is changing so fast. I try to read The NY Post, the Daily News, The NY Times, Time Magazine, Newsweek Magazine and the Economist. I try to read them.
I have piles of Time and The Economist scattered all over my bedroom contributing to the mess that is my life and brain. I will buy one with the intent of reading it and a lot of the time, I get through a good portion of it, or at least certain stories that I find interesting. I try to cross reference different sources so that I get a fuller picture of what it is I'm trying to understand. Then I'll put the paper or mag down and say "I'll read the rest of that later" while I go browse blogs and myspace and IM with people I wouldn't be caught dead with in real life (That's a joke if you're one of them and you're reading this)
The other day I was given a Metro and I didn't finish it until later. A METRO! The thing is only 6 pages long! This paper was made for people that want information but don't actually care about it staying in their brains and I had a literary double take with it. DAMMIT!
It's just hard to know everything that's going on in the world unless you commit your life to it. And there are many people who do, but they specialize in knowing about a specific thing. Like South America's effect on the US, or Tribal Conflict in Africa, or how companies process their foods, or knowing exactly how much nutmeg to put in the nog. I think I get distracted because I'm trying to know it all. As a wise person once said "I know a lot about a lot of things, but I don't know everything about one thing."
I wish I was a joke writing machine. Give it time. Not everything comes out hilarious. Here's a joke I heard that was in a play I did a staged reading of today by Kara Lee Corthron (the play was by her, not sure if the joke is)
A rabbit and a bear are in a forest and they hate each other. One day they accidentally find a magic lamp. They were fighting and it fell out of a tree or something. They rub it and of course a genie comes out and grants them each 3 wishes. The bear goes first and he wishes to be the only male bear in the forest. Then he wishes that all the other bears in the forest were female. Then he wishes for there to be a lot of other bears in the forest. The bear, of course, is delighted. Then the rabbit has his turn. He points to the bear and says "I wish he was gay." BAZING
I have piles of Time and The Economist scattered all over my bedroom contributing to the mess that is my life and brain. I will buy one with the intent of reading it and a lot of the time, I get through a good portion of it, or at least certain stories that I find interesting. I try to cross reference different sources so that I get a fuller picture of what it is I'm trying to understand. Then I'll put the paper or mag down and say "I'll read the rest of that later" while I go browse blogs and myspace and IM with people I wouldn't be caught dead with in real life (That's a joke if you're one of them and you're reading this)
The other day I was given a Metro and I didn't finish it until later. A METRO! The thing is only 6 pages long! This paper was made for people that want information but don't actually care about it staying in their brains and I had a literary double take with it. DAMMIT!
It's just hard to know everything that's going on in the world unless you commit your life to it. And there are many people who do, but they specialize in knowing about a specific thing. Like South America's effect on the US, or Tribal Conflict in Africa, or how companies process their foods, or knowing exactly how much nutmeg to put in the nog. I think I get distracted because I'm trying to know it all. As a wise person once said "I know a lot about a lot of things, but I don't know everything about one thing."
I wish I was a joke writing machine. Give it time. Not everything comes out hilarious. Here's a joke I heard that was in a play I did a staged reading of today by Kara Lee Corthron (the play was by her, not sure if the joke is)
A rabbit and a bear are in a forest and they hate each other. One day they accidentally find a magic lamp. They were fighting and it fell out of a tree or something. They rub it and of course a genie comes out and grants them each 3 wishes. The bear goes first and he wishes to be the only male bear in the forest. Then he wishes that all the other bears in the forest were female. Then he wishes for there to be a lot of other bears in the forest. The bear, of course, is delighted. Then the rabbit has his turn. He points to the bear and says "I wish he was gay." BAZING
Wednesday, December 07, 2005
Eh - xistence
You ever wish you weren't alive? Not in a way that means you want to kill yourself. Not dead. That's why I use the words "not" and "alive." It a more matter of fact feeling. A passing thought. "Boy, I wish I wasn't alive...meh, back to the grocery list."
Its a feeling like wishing that you didn't exist. Again, I must stress that I don't mean it in a negative or depressing way. Just in the way of not wanting to deal with things like money or work or creativity or existential dilemmas. See? Its a wish to not have existential dilemmas. Its the alternate ending to "Its a Wonderful Life" where George just says "Eh" and walks away.
Doo dee dah deedle dodo dada zwee bop skee do wah.
Thought I'd do a little type-scat for you. Imagine that along with an old Ella Fitzgerald hit.
It officially is cold here now. It snowed a little bit, but it just gonna get worse as the months go on. That's the east coast for ya. 5 months of winter, 5 months of summer and fall and spring are a month each. A friend of mine in chicago told me its 1 degree there right now which is the coldest December they've had in a century. Every year the records of "hottest day" and "coldest day" are being broken. Sign the end is nigh? You make the call.
and now for stream of concious writing
many thought race threw my head as i open the flood gates of my mind lots of thing fall out of it mostly having to do with some random ass tv show. many popculture references in this al gore like lockbox that is my memory. Tv was my babysitter. Couldn't have been a better sitter. She never yelled. Always let me decide what i wanted to do and never told my mom any of the things I did while she was gone. She also didn't get mad when I would watch the old school Adam West "Batman" and re enact the fights in the living room while wearing little to no clothes at all. Dadadadadada BATMAN!! And then when all was said and done things would be normal by the time Mom got home. Ah the joys of being an only child. At least until I was 13 when my little sister was born. I remember being at home and waking up late for school and wondering why no one bothered to tell me. The house was empty. I got ready for school and walked on my way there and still i saw no people around my metropolis. I looked up at the sky and it looked like a cosmic Cookie Monster had taken a bite out of the sun (I later found out it was an eclipse-duh) "The world is about to end," I thought, "and I was left behind."
That was a little harder than i was expecting it to be. I obviously can't type as fast as I can think. Especially when i go back to correct spelling and punctuation.
Its a feeling like wishing that you didn't exist. Again, I must stress that I don't mean it in a negative or depressing way. Just in the way of not wanting to deal with things like money or work or creativity or existential dilemmas. See? Its a wish to not have existential dilemmas. Its the alternate ending to "Its a Wonderful Life" where George just says "Eh" and walks away.
Doo dee dah deedle dodo dada zwee bop skee do wah.
Thought I'd do a little type-scat for you. Imagine that along with an old Ella Fitzgerald hit.
It officially is cold here now. It snowed a little bit, but it just gonna get worse as the months go on. That's the east coast for ya. 5 months of winter, 5 months of summer and fall and spring are a month each. A friend of mine in chicago told me its 1 degree there right now which is the coldest December they've had in a century. Every year the records of "hottest day" and "coldest day" are being broken. Sign the end is nigh? You make the call.
and now for stream of concious writing
many thought race threw my head as i open the flood gates of my mind lots of thing fall out of it mostly having to do with some random ass tv show. many popculture references in this al gore like lockbox that is my memory. Tv was my babysitter. Couldn't have been a better sitter. She never yelled. Always let me decide what i wanted to do and never told my mom any of the things I did while she was gone. She also didn't get mad when I would watch the old school Adam West "Batman" and re enact the fights in the living room while wearing little to no clothes at all. Dadadadadada BATMAN!! And then when all was said and done things would be normal by the time Mom got home. Ah the joys of being an only child. At least until I was 13 when my little sister was born. I remember being at home and waking up late for school and wondering why no one bothered to tell me. The house was empty. I got ready for school and walked on my way there and still i saw no people around my metropolis. I looked up at the sky and it looked like a cosmic Cookie Monster had taken a bite out of the sun (I later found out it was an eclipse-duh) "The world is about to end," I thought, "and I was left behind."
That was a little harder than i was expecting it to be. I obviously can't type as fast as I can think. Especially when i go back to correct spelling and punctuation.
I return
I'm actually gonna start blogging again. I'm gonna make myself blog everyday because its good for me. It allows me to unlock the floodgates of my creativity as they said to me back in 3rd grade.
So the thing is this, not all of this will make sense.
Some of it will be random ass shit.
Some of it will be insightful.
Some of it will be ramblingnessity.
Personally I think you learn more about a person through how they ramble and go on tnagents. You just gotta learn how to decipher the code. Rambling is when you see how the mind actually analyzes, processes and puts together all the random info infiltrating our minds at all times. Most of us express ourselves in a way someone else taught us that is considered neutral.
Rambling is natural. You gotta learn how to harness the power of rambling like its a wild beast you can tame. Rambling is sometimes like unpacking the brain of info so that you can connect to the real message and/or important info lurking at the bottom of the pile.
Embrace rambling until you have nothing to ramble about.
See random but I like it - me gusta.
A joke....
I'm happy about Peter Jackson's remake of King Kong. I'm a huge Peter Jackson fan and I'm happy to finally see him tackling the issue of interracial relationships
So the thing is this, not all of this will make sense.
Some of it will be random ass shit.
Some of it will be insightful.
Some of it will be ramblingnessity.
Personally I think you learn more about a person through how they ramble and go on tnagents. You just gotta learn how to decipher the code. Rambling is when you see how the mind actually analyzes, processes and puts together all the random info infiltrating our minds at all times. Most of us express ourselves in a way someone else taught us that is considered neutral.
Rambling is natural. You gotta learn how to harness the power of rambling like its a wild beast you can tame. Rambling is sometimes like unpacking the brain of info so that you can connect to the real message and/or important info lurking at the bottom of the pile.
Embrace rambling until you have nothing to ramble about.
See random but I like it - me gusta.
A joke....
I'm happy about Peter Jackson's remake of King Kong. I'm a huge Peter Jackson fan and I'm happy to finally see him tackling the issue of interracial relationships
Friday, November 25, 2005
So...
I haven't written in a long while because I have a very temperamental internet connection. In fact, I guarantee my connection will go off 5 times while writing this and I'll have to wait an hour or 2 afterwards to load it onto my page. Most likely, I'll press "publish" and it'll go to a "Page Not Found" and i'll hit the "Back" button and "everything" I wrote will be "gone" and I will say "Fuck." I'll try copying it beforehand.
I've had a lot to say since last I wrote. Begin now.
Here's a thought I had yesterday. I think one of our tragic flaws as a country is having a dependence on a finite substance: oil. This is something I think will contribute to our downfall as an empire. Also, it's something we don't really have much of here in the US. We get the majority of it elsewhere. We should use something we have plently of as a fuel source. Like righteous directionless indignation. Or cynical suburban white teenagers who talk like their a Tupac/Keanu hybrid. How about we use something we have plently of in the US as a new fuel source: unwanted pregnancies. SURE! Since, Roe v. Wade might be overturned soon, how about taking those fetuses from teen mothers, grinding them up and putting that potent goo in those Hummers. With the rising teen pregnancy rates that's a fuel source we could rely on for thousands of years. Problem solved. Rambling finished.
I've had a lot to say since last I wrote. Begin now.
Here's a thought I had yesterday. I think one of our tragic flaws as a country is having a dependence on a finite substance: oil. This is something I think will contribute to our downfall as an empire. Also, it's something we don't really have much of here in the US. We get the majority of it elsewhere. We should use something we have plently of as a fuel source. Like righteous directionless indignation. Or cynical suburban white teenagers who talk like their a Tupac/Keanu hybrid. How about we use something we have plently of in the US as a new fuel source: unwanted pregnancies. SURE! Since, Roe v. Wade might be overturned soon, how about taking those fetuses from teen mothers, grinding them up and putting that potent goo in those Hummers. With the rising teen pregnancy rates that's a fuel source we could rely on for thousands of years. Problem solved. Rambling finished.
Friday, November 04, 2005
NY Post Mordem
I'm a fan of all things comedy, so I read the Post. This is from page 15. The headline reads "Horny Leo strikes out twice" Classic.
...DiCaprio was again humbled on Halloween at LA's Mondrian hotel, where he showed up to a bash disguised as an old man with a hunchback. But unrecognizable Leo struck out with the gaggle of pretty trick or treaters he was hitting on, a spywitness tells PAGE SIX, because "the girls didn't know who he was. It was hilarious."
They didn't know who he was so they weren't interested. Notice how much harder it is when you take away the looks and all you have is personality and sense of humor. And who says it was a costume, maybe Halloween is the one time a year Leo gets to come out as his natural self with no makeup. Maybe its the one time of year the spell is lifted and you see what the portrait of him in his attic looks like.
...DiCaprio was again humbled on Halloween at LA's Mondrian hotel, where he showed up to a bash disguised as an old man with a hunchback. But unrecognizable Leo struck out with the gaggle of pretty trick or treaters he was hitting on, a spywitness tells PAGE SIX, because "the girls didn't know who he was. It was hilarious."
They didn't know who he was so they weren't interested. Notice how much harder it is when you take away the looks and all you have is personality and sense of humor. And who says it was a costume, maybe Halloween is the one time a year Leo gets to come out as his natural self with no makeup. Maybe its the one time of year the spell is lifted and you see what the portrait of him in his attic looks like.
Shallow-ween
Halloween is over thank God! I can't stand people during that holiday. People kept asking me what I was going as finally I said..
"Well I'm going as a guy who has been wearing the same clothes for a week because he can't afford to do laundry, doesn't know how he's gonna pay his rent and has a $800 cell phone bill. i would have went as my father but it was hard to find a woman who would let me get her pregnant as leave her the moment I found out."
I ended up at a party in Williamsburg and the best part about that was its hard to tell who was wearing a costume and who is just from Williamsburg. Like they are really that cool. Are you some sort of superhero or do you normally just wear a cape? To exemplify, I complemented this one girl on her costume, turns out she was just Asian...and having a seizure. What she don't know won't hurt her.
That usually got pity and maybe a free drink. The pressure is on the women more so than men though. And no I'm not the first comic to observe this, but why the fuck does every costume have to be sexy? I mean it's expected of all women now. Even if they don't want to do it, they look like idiots if they aren't showing flesh. I think some girl take it too far though. They cross the line.
I saw this girl who was very sexy. No, Miss Subways, but still a looker. She was wearing a light blue miniskirt with dark blue fishnets, a blue wig, and a shirt with the picture of an ocean wave on it. I asked what she was. "I'm a Tsexy Tsunami. I'ma drown you in my kisses." That is offensive. And she was Asian. Double Whammy.
I saw another girl who I thought was a sexy black librarian. "I'm a sexy Rhosha Pharhks*. I refused to leave my seat because my anus was firmly nestled on a buttplug." WHAT THE...? That is rude, disrespectful and not to mention a horrible way to portray someone who recently passed away and meant a lot to a lot of people. But she heard "What's you number?" and gave it to me. I'll play your little game. We'll talk about this in a more intimate setting, Miss Missy.
*note: remove "h's" for real name. Inserted those to avoid google searches where someone can find her name in the same sentence as anus and buttplug on my site
"Well I'm going as a guy who has been wearing the same clothes for a week because he can't afford to do laundry, doesn't know how he's gonna pay his rent and has a $800 cell phone bill. i would have went as my father but it was hard to find a woman who would let me get her pregnant as leave her the moment I found out."
I ended up at a party in Williamsburg and the best part about that was its hard to tell who was wearing a costume and who is just from Williamsburg. Like they are really that cool. Are you some sort of superhero or do you normally just wear a cape? To exemplify, I complemented this one girl on her costume, turns out she was just Asian...and having a seizure. What she don't know won't hurt her.
That usually got pity and maybe a free drink. The pressure is on the women more so than men though. And no I'm not the first comic to observe this, but why the fuck does every costume have to be sexy? I mean it's expected of all women now. Even if they don't want to do it, they look like idiots if they aren't showing flesh. I think some girl take it too far though. They cross the line.
I saw this girl who was very sexy. No, Miss Subways, but still a looker. She was wearing a light blue miniskirt with dark blue fishnets, a blue wig, and a shirt with the picture of an ocean wave on it. I asked what she was. "I'm a Tsexy Tsunami. I'ma drown you in my kisses." That is offensive. And she was Asian. Double Whammy.
I saw another girl who I thought was a sexy black librarian. "I'm a sexy Rhosha Pharhks*. I refused to leave my seat because my anus was firmly nestled on a buttplug." WHAT THE...? That is rude, disrespectful and not to mention a horrible way to portray someone who recently passed away and meant a lot to a lot of people. But she heard "What's you number?" and gave it to me. I'll play your little game. We'll talk about this in a more intimate setting, Miss Missy.
*note: remove "h's" for real name. Inserted those to avoid google searches where someone can find her name in the same sentence as anus and buttplug on my site
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