A terrible mistake has been made

If you happened to happen upon the NY Post on sunday you might have seen some shocking, disturbing, shockingly disturbing, and disturbingly shocking.

If you picked up the post and saw the cover you would have learned a lot about the world and New York in particular but then you would have seen something that said "New York's Sexiest" and you would have turned to page 37 to see this title to the right.

Looks ok. "Everything here is on order," you say to yourself.
"I guess you could say he's sexy. Ooh, she's definitely sexy. And her and her."

Then you'd look at the second page. The next batch of "sexy."

Even though there's something in the back of your mind irking you about this page you continue on. "That looks in order and she's very super sexy and...wait a minute. What the hell is this?" You look a little closer.

A terrible mistake has been made. I got calls, texts, emails from my very confused friends and such. All asking, "How did that happen?" They are confused. They know me. They know the truth.

Now for jokes...

See, I thought they said "Messiest New Yorkers." I thought well my life is in shambles. Why not?

The Post tends to have a conservative slant. So if you can believe what they say about Iraq, you can believe what they say about Sexy.

HEY HO!

But to Sara Stewart (and Mandy, of course) I say thanks.

Incredible

I'm turning into an 8 year old girl.

I woke up the other day and opened my bedroom door to the living room to find a small kitten waiting to get into my room. Suddenly it flashed to me that my roommate had asked me a few weeks ago if I would mind getting a cat and suddenly there it was. Its fucking adorable.

I'm turning into an 8 year old girl. I keep playing with it. Taking pics and vids on my phone with the intention of showing them to friends and saying "Look at my cat! Isn't is cute!"

I don't even know its name. I just call it Cutey Cute Cute McCuterson. I'm a black man that has had a gun in my face and I'm using the word "cute" repeatedly.

Someone to Watch

I'm gonna start doing a new regular feature on this blog that features an actor (gender neutral term) that is making a career for themselves. These are people that you may have heard of or seen but you don't really know their names or where they came from. The first person I want to mention is Missi Pyle.

Missi graduated from North Carolina School for the Arts with a BFA in Acting in 1995 and since then you've seen her doing her thang in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory (Tim Burton - Violet's Mom), Bringing Down the House (great fight scene with Queen Latifah - the best part of the movie to me), Galaxy Quest (the aliens that falls for Tony Shaloub's character), and Dodgeball (the scary unibrowed woman on Ben Stiller's Dream Team).

I don't remember who it was I was speaking with about her the other day, but we talked about how she's one of those actor's that just adds a special something to every movie she's been in. Doesn't really matter how random the movie or the role, she's fun to watch. She's having fun and that translates across the screen. She doesn't have that thing of taking herself too seriously. That doesn't mean she's not believable. She's definitely believeable. But her sense of fun allows her to lend personality to things that aren't that steeped in reality. Look at her list of roles again. It makes me very interested to see what she'd be like in a "serious" role. I'd love to see her in a play. I'm sure she'd have a confidence and presence that allows her to lend some subtlety to each moment. Either that or I have a weird crush on her.

If you like Martial Arts movies, read on...

So a few posts ago I wrote about Mr Bruce Lee. He's still bad ass, but get ready for the next generation.

So Jackie Chan is getting old and has broken every bone in his body multiple times. Jet Li is about to stop doing martial arts films. Reportedly, "Fearless" is his last movie of that genre.

The other night I watched a movie I'd been wanting to for a while, "Ong Bak: Thai Warrior." This movie had a gentlemen in it who is the future of Martial Arts Films: Tony Jaa.

This dude is amazing. He has a good onscreen intensity and some hardcore moves. Hardcore I say! "Thai Warrior" has some footwork in it this is just astounding. It's the kind of foot work that would make Capoeira fanatics drop their jaws. Here's the kicker. No wires. This movie is very bare bones grass roots Martial Arts. Its not the elegant ballet that a Yuen Wo Ping would create made famous by the Matrix, Kill Bill and Crouching Tiger. Its more like a club with some real Poppers and Lockers on the floor. Its still beautiful and takes skill, but its more immediate and on the same level with every one.

So Tony was the stunt double in the Mortal Kombat movie for Robin Shou (Liu Kang). I saw a piece of a documentary the other day that Shou directed. I need to see again. Its about a school in China that you enter when you're 14/15/16 to become the elitist stunt martial artists in the world: The Red Tousers.

Again, no wires. Check out this clip. The man is simply jumping. This is all his own athleticism. I really got to get in shape. Any shape. I don't even have a shape. I'm just a skinny amoeba. I don't even know how I'm typing.

Pussy Control!

This is a rap I wrote as commissioned by Sara Schaefer for her show Video Gaga. I don't know if we're gonna have the time to do it by monday, but I wanted to share cuz I'm pretty proud of this.

These are 3 gangsta cats that call themselves "Pussy Bandits." DJ Tabby Tab, Kal E Koe, and Scat Kat 2.0. So enjoy their number 1 hit "Motherf&#%er, I'm a CAT!"

DJ TABBY TAB:
I’m a cat motherfucker
You a dog my bitch
I gotta itch you better scratch
‘fo I put you in a ditch
cuz I’m a mean mother fucker
I’m a bad ass Tabby
I shot Rin Tin Tin
And impregnated Lassie
Better get checked for rabies and scabies
Its ok, the dirty ho will have cat-dog babies
Fuck her I don’t want nutin to do wit’em
She bring ‘em to me, I’m a spit and hit ‘em
I’ll split and quit’em. I’ll shit and forget ‘em
And I'll Find a cardboard where I can fit ‘em
Then I mail to China cuz that’s what I do
I’m a Gangsta C-A-T so fuck you!
They’ll be Siamese if they please, what what?
You want to get me fixed? Well you can suck dese nuts!
You best step the fuck back
Cuz I be callin the shots
I’m a kitty cat and you’re not!

(chorus)
Mother Fucker I’m a CAT!
Here kitty kitty kitty,
Here kitty kitty kitty
Mother Fucker I’m a CAT!
Here kitty kitty kitty
Motherfucker this is where its at!
Motherfucker I’m a CAT
Here kitty kitty kitty,
Here kitty kitty kitty
Mother Fucker I’m a CAT!
Here kitty kitty kitty
Mother fucker this is where its at!

KAL E KOE:
I’m “Tyrannus” and you’re “Sic Semper”
I’m gonna give you some distemper
Gonna pop your bubble like the Hindenburg blimp
You’ll be walking like Rick Moranis with a limp
“Meow” That’s what I say to get the pussy
I’m hypnotic melodic like I’m Claude DeBussy
Got a line of fine feline all down the street
Cuz I got the ice to handle girls in heat
And they purr so sweet
Cuz I’m so complete
I rub they feet, I’m so discreet
I’m treat those women like the Mix that I love to eat
Fuck a litter box, I’ll shit and piss where I likey
In you silk dress socks and your Air Jordan Nikes
If you annoy me, boy, I’ll fuckin piss on your bed
You can’t destroy me, I’ll even shit on your head.

(coughs up a hair ball for a bit. The music stop until it comes out. Goes straight into…)

SCAT KAT 2.0:
I’ll kill your schemes
I’ll stab your dreams
I’ll eat your spleen
I’m a freaky fiend
I’m picking up steam
I’m not what I seem
You tryin to ride my stream
But its too extreme
I gleam and I team with the mean fucking teens
To redeem the regime of the streets and the scenes
So unclean, makes you scream what you see
When the beams shine your sheen
You will flee climb a tree need codeine
Set the scene, and esteem what I be
You can’t escape me
Or fucking mind rape me
Cuz I move and I shake, see?
Fuck you old lady!
Mufasa and Simba got nothing or me
Cuz I’m motherfuckin C-A-T!


Mother Fucker I’m a CAT!
Here kitty kitty kitty,
Here kitty kitty kitty
Mother Fucker I’m a CAT!
Here kitty kitty kitty
Motherfucker this is where its at!
Motherfucker I’m a CAT
Here kitty kitty kitty,
Here kitty kitty kitty
Mother Fucker I’m a CAT!
Here kitty kitty kitty
Mother fucker this is where its at!

(Chorus repeats and then it cuts to the “Meow Meow” Meow Mix song)

Pissed Off (in more ways than one)

You have to imagine me saying "in more ways than one" in a funny high pitched voiced with a South American accent.

So one of my best friends, Chanelle (she loves it when I put "best friend" and her name in the same sentence), is doing a play outdoors in a park right now. Its the Classic Greek "The Bacchae." They had a cancellation. They had to cancel their show which is outside. They had to cancel their show is which they role around on the ground. Did I mention it was outside?

Here's an email I got from Chanelle about why they had to cancel...

"So i went to my call last night and was getting into costume, i thought it was unusually quiet and had that weird feeling that somehow the show was not going to happen, but as i was applying the clay i figured, ah, guess it is...

there's this homeless guy who it seems is very upset that we are in his space, and has had some confrontations with the directors, he kind of looks like he thinks he's a figure in one of the bars in star wars, he has a palm pilot and a strange monocle, and wears this cloak. so anyway, one of the tech guys caught him dousing the entire stage and seating area in bottles of his urine, so by the time we arrived the stage and benches were wet with a mixture of urine and lemon cleaning fluid. so we had to cancel the show because we couldn't run or roll around as we needed to...cancellation due to pee."

I argue that a play would be more interesting if you knew you might be sitting in pee.

Euripides' The Bacchae
Fri-Sun, 8:30pm
Aug 4th - Aug 27th
Riverside Park
89th & Riverside Dr
FREE!

Where you from?

Can I get a what what in my comments? Who the hell is actually reading this thing? If you've come here more than once, please leave a comment. I'll actually write more if i know people are expecting me to whip out the goods. I will bring the proverbial "it."

So...I'm struggling for a topic...uh...Oh...no, that's...uh...yeah I uh...fuck.

I know! I'll post an idea I had for a joke that might make a better blog entry.

I'm from a little known town called Las Vegas, NV. I recently discovered that telling people I'm from Vegas is code for "Say something stupid to me." The top 3 most common idiotic comments are as follows...

3. Did you live in a casino?
2. Did you get paid in poker chips?
1. Is your mother a hooker?

Thanks. That's the perfect thing to say to someone you just met. I'm gonna start doing that to people. I'm gonna make assumptions about you based on limited stereotypical knowledge of your home.

Oh you're from New York?
Did you live in the bourbon soaked rotted stomach of an unconcious homeless man passed out on a park bench?
Did you get paid in the binge drinking induced vomit of 20something Jersey and Long Island weekenders?
Is your mother the penetrating aroma or urine of the F train?

Oh you're from Los Angeles?
Is your mother a saline chested attention hound willing to do anything and anyone for a 15 second walk on role on the lowest rated show on the Food Network?

...and I'll make them up about places I know nothing about

Oh you're from Lochern, MD?
Did you live on a donkey farm run by flying red pixies that loved to sing showtunes in German accents?

Oh you're from Herman, NE?
Did you get paid with the teeth of kittens that failed to pass the LSATs?

Oh yo're from Liberal, KS? Sure I know where it is. About 30 miles south of Sublette.
Is your mother a 300 pound Simoan gentleman that wears brown spandex and likes to have sex with bullet wounds that actually believes in and worships Poseiden?

...and on and on until people stop being stupid. That means I'll be saying these things forever.

posters on the train

I find it ok to not take reading with me on the subway when i ride around the city. I like to people watch and there's always plenty of reading on the walls of the cars. They're usually easy to see because THE ENTIRE WALL IS PLASTERED WITH THE SAME AD. Here's 2 that caught my eye today.

"of course new york is cool. it has millions of air conditioners"

this is an ad for the ever infamous Con Edison. um, excuse me, ConED, new york ISN'T cool. remember how there was a POWER OUTAGE? Some called it a BLACKOUT and called themselves FUCKED. remember how sometimes random people get ELECTROCUTED because of a seemingly careless approach to handling live wires? yeah, not cool.

another ConED ad reads

"we're on it. under it. inside it. through it. above it. across it."

ah. poetry. nice to see that ConED hired Robert Pinsky, Maya Angelou, and ee cummings to collarborate on that piece of art. It actually sounds more like a threat to me. sounds like a serial rapist describing what they're gonna do to their next victim. which, of course, will be an altercation that conlcudes with electrocution.

which brings me to another point: why is ConED advertising? is there some competition i don't know about? some power company that won't accidentally kill people and have power outages occur? no? well guess you gotta do something with all that money.

I've been seeing a lot of ads for Jesus for Jews. What happened to Jews for Jesus? Is it the same organization that wanted an image change? Is it someone different? Or is it just that jewsforjesus.com and .org were already taken? Damn 15 year olds.

It's good that they changed the name cuz one of them implies that Jesus is worshipping the Jews.

Now I don't mean to make fun or what someone believes, but yes I do.

Here's 2 ads I liked by them

"Pursuing truth is a noble thing. But what if it leads you to an unpopular belief that might be misunderstood by those you care about the most?"

Hmm. An unpopular belief? Christianity? Last I checked (and I do check) its pretty popular. But you are talking about the Jews. Maybe its not popular amongst them. Usually Christianity isn't popular becuz they are busy being Jewish. Gets in the way of your daily allowance of Jesus.

"Often our culture dictates what we're willing to consider. But truth knows no such limits. Shlomy can tell you."

And the man pictured as the Israeli Shlomy looks exactly like an Israeli named Shlomy.

You guys got me JeJews! I'm gonna convert to Judaism then convert to something that sits strangely between Christianity and Judaism that manages to be scarier than both! Yay! There is a light at the end of the tunnel! Oh wait, that's just because we're being held in the station.