Wednesday, August 09, 2006

Where you from?

Can I get a what what in my comments? Who the hell is actually reading this thing? If you've come here more than once, please leave a comment. I'll actually write more if i know people are expecting me to whip out the goods. I will bring the proverbial "it."

So...I'm struggling for a topic...uh...Oh...no, that's...uh...yeah I uh...fuck.

I know! I'll post an idea I had for a joke that might make a better blog entry.

I'm from a little known town called Las Vegas, NV. I recently discovered that telling people I'm from Vegas is code for "Say something stupid to me." The top 3 most common idiotic comments are as follows...

3. Did you live in a casino?
2. Did you get paid in poker chips?
1. Is your mother a hooker?

Thanks. That's the perfect thing to say to someone you just met. I'm gonna start doing that to people. I'm gonna make assumptions about you based on limited stereotypical knowledge of your home.

Oh you're from New York?
Did you live in the bourbon soaked rotted stomach of an unconcious homeless man passed out on a park bench?
Did you get paid in the binge drinking induced vomit of 20something Jersey and Long Island weekenders?
Is your mother the penetrating aroma or urine of the F train?

Oh you're from Los Angeles?
Is your mother a saline chested attention hound willing to do anything and anyone for a 15 second walk on role on the lowest rated show on the Food Network?

...and I'll make them up about places I know nothing about

Oh you're from Lochern, MD?
Did you live on a donkey farm run by flying red pixies that loved to sing showtunes in German accents?

Oh you're from Herman, NE?
Did you get paid with the teeth of kittens that failed to pass the LSATs?

Oh yo're from Liberal, KS? Sure I know where it is. About 30 miles south of Sublette.
Is your mother a 300 pound Simoan gentleman that wears brown spandex and likes to have sex with bullet wounds that actually believes in and worships Poseiden?

...and on and on until people stop being stupid. That means I'll be saying these things forever.

27 comments:

Max Silvestri said...

I read this shit like it's a drug. Because I am always reading drugs.

Carolyn said...

"Is your mother a 300 pound Simoan gentleman that wears brown spandex and likes to have sex with bullet wounds that actually believes in and worships Poseiden?"

Yes.

Wes said...

Yeah, I read this. I need to be assured that there are websites that contain coherent sentences and subject matter that doesn't primarily revolve around liberal propaganda and professional wrestling, like the domain that belongs yours truly. It is quite refreshing.

Heidi said...

You're from Las Vegas? I am too. I still live there. I read your blog all the time, its saved in my favorites. I cant remember how I came across it. I like it though, so you better keep coming up with witty shit for me to read at my desk while I am pretending to work!

Anonymous said...

i thought that "what happens in vegas, stays in vegas." so...
what the hell are you doing here?

Anonymous said...

Baron,

I read this. Religiously.

In fact, this is my bible.

And you... you are my Jesus Bobblehead toy.

Love and worship,
Rebecca

sara said...

i subscribe. not only to the blog but to your doctrine.

mekayla said...

I just came across your blog and i think i like it ..

wonderin what you assume if i told you im from south texas ....

Anonymous said...

I read your blog all the time...because I like black people.

Abby Scott said...

I'm from Peoria, IL, Baron. Go!

kb said...

I read it, I enjoy it, I tell all my friends. I even read a bunch of stories about asses once on another site to see what you had to say about that.

Dustin D'Addato said...

I read it, but only to steal material. Like the Vegas stuff. I'm totally from Vegas now.

Anonymous said...

I'm from Fredericksburg,VA, Baron my brotha (yep, first time you'ver heard me say that and probably the last).

Say what you will about my town. Its all probably true.

Love since Lipskey's class,
Shanon

Charles Star said...

I stop by, but I just masturbate to the picture.

Anthony DeVito said...

This is you: "Oh waa waa nobody reads my blog!" That's right, you're crying in that impression of you I just did. Like a baby!

I'M the one with blog going unread by millions! I bare my soul and for what? Waa! Waa!

(That was me really crying.)

p.s. If you click on my name, it'll take you to my blog. Not that any of you will!

Waa.

Kyria said...

Pawtucket, RI in the comments!

Praveen Sharma said...

Yo! I forget how I came across your blog but I subscribed in my rss reader. Funny shit. I'm from brooklyn. If you're going to talk about urine soaked subway lines, talk about mine, the foulest smelling of them all, the G!

Kaet said...

I've read a few times.

I don't think there is cityism just regional ignorance. You people in the southwest (as I went to Arizona State) thought after 9/11 just because I'm from NEW YORK that it must have affected my family, it's weird that I don't talk like I'm from Jersey (hell that's face it, people from Jersey don't sound like they are from Jersey) and I should be more fashion savvy because I'm from NEW YORK.

Truth is Baron, I'm from upstate NEW YORK, as in three hours from Toronto, surrounded by farm land and finger lakes and close enough to a beach, I could take a bus there.

You're not alone. (And thank CSI for me not thinking because you're Vegas that you're mom's a skanky, dirty prostitute).

Anonymous said...

Damn, you're good!

mandy said...

Hi. I live on a donkey farm run by flying red pixies that loved to sing showtunes in German accents. That's how I found your blog. Bring it! The flavor of the streets. Good night and good luck.

mandy said...

Also I'm in LA so it's really only 2 am. Although that's fun to think that what I do is stay up until 5 am every night until I finally summon the courage to read your blog. Yeah let's think of it that way. Tomorrow it's the Shatner roast. I'll smuggle you some Shat. Try not to Shat yourself when you read this. Baron, I just Shat myself. Sorry.

Audrey said...

I'm from Chicago and I love your blog! Please keep writing.

Possible topics???
1. Why does love have to die? (yes, tongue is firmly placed in cheek.)
2. What odd area of trivia knowledge would you excel in if it had its own Trivial Pursuit category?
3. What is your favorite word that you don't get to use in everyday conversation?
4. Are you the center of the universe? If so, what's it like??

Audrey said...

Oops, I forgot this: I'm fascinated by all of the leaflets being dropped over the Middle East (in between missiles) by every side possible. If you were to write a leaflet for a citizenship to ponder, what would it be about? What country's citizens would be the lucky recipients?

Thanks!

Anya said...

Such insecurity, my dear. Where I'm from, I was taught to do what you like doing regardless of what people think. Also, I was taught that you should marry a man if he has a nice apartment.

Anonymous said...

I like it a lot! Very nicely done. Easy to find helpful information. All the best!
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leatherargento said...

I loved this one. You are as random as a deer tick in an Upper East Side penthouse! Wheeeeee!

-- The Astro-Turtle Wax with pink mint ears

leatherargento said...

Also: Was your daddy a one-armed bandit... (ha. ha.)?