Mr Big Stuff.

So I just saw Chris Noth on the N train. Now normally and striahgt black male would have no idea who this was (unless he's a fan on Law and Order which black men typically aren't in any sense), but I happen to have a lot of close friend who are Women or Gay Men. That means any time you hang with a group of women or gay men, there will be viewings of Sex and the City. The if you hang out with one female friend there is a 10% chance you will watch Sex and the City. 2 women and/or gay men = 20% chance. 3 = 40%. 4 = 80%. 5 = 160%. That's right! The increase is exponential!!

If you are hanging out with 5 women/gay men, there is a 160% chance you will watch that show. The extra 60% mean that you will unexpectedly be jostled out of your slumer by a phone call to test how much you retained from the previous evenings show.

So, yes. Chris Noth was Mr. Big. He got up out of his seat and I sat in it. Then I noticed a bunch of girls giggling, staring and then getting very silent. So I looked and I saw who it was. At first I was surprised he was on the subway, but then I thought why wouldn't he ride the subway? If i get some sort of notoriety, I'll ride the subway. Its convient and it something I'm used to. I always find it interesting when people assume a celebrity wouldn't do something normal people do. Like just because Vince Vaughn is Vince Vaughn doesn't mean he's gonna stop eating ham sandwiches. He likes ham sandwiches. He liked them before he was famous and helikes them now. What do you think? Once the first million in went in the bank he was like "Ham and Chesse is too pedestrian, from now on I shall only eat Lobster and Cheese followed by Lamb and Quiche with mayo"? He learned the same lesson we learned from Hammer and Coery Feldman: put some money away because it won't last forever if you do dumb shit. And that's the truth.

Which is it?

Am I pushing people to not want to talk to me anymore or are they pushed to that? Like they just feel like that no matter what I say? Its an issue of something I've always thought about since high school: intention vs perception. What I mean to say vs. how its being taken. I have little control over how its being taken. If I'm talking to a person that's predisposed to receive what I'm saying as an attack, they're gonna react to me like I just took a swing at them.

It reminds me of "World Views" which I think is a Meisner thing. Its a view a character has of everyone around them like "Eveyone is just a little bit dumber tham I am" or "Everyone is out to get me." I think a lot of people in 2006 have the view of "Everyone is out to get me." Somehow I got into an arguement with someone I care about and it ended with "I can't talk to you about this anymore. Peace." Maybe what I was saying was harsh or "too real" as they say. I don't know, but i don't like being the bad guy. I don't like that she's probably thinking, "Man, Fuck, Baron." And not in the good way. Like she's commanding some whore slave to do my bidding. But the bad way. Like I'm gonna have darts thrown at a picture of my face to blow off steam.

This is a new potential bit based on a convo with friend Josh Grosvent...

Stand Up is one of the few things people think they can just do and be brilliant. Its an art. It takes years to master it and even longer to get recognized. I was watching HBO and they showed a preview of "Tourgasm" a new show starring Dane Cook. The voiceover reffered to Dane Cook as "hot new comedian" UMMM, Dane Cook has been doing stand up for 16 years!!! But in stand up years you're still reffered to as a new comedian. That's the perception that makes Dingleberry Joe from the office, or dealership, or time share who can make his friends and family laugh think he can walk on stage once and walk off with a $100,000 development deal with a major network. Amazing comedians can make it look like they are coming up with the shit right there. It takes them nearly a decade to make it look easy. There's usually someone in the audience that goes, "Hey that's easy. I should be getting paid for this." That doesn't happen with other professions that take a certain a level of skill, education and talent to do.

"Yeah, I think I'm gonna go be a concert violinist. Yeah, I been watching PBS, saw some guy playing and it looks pretty easy. I figure I'll go pick one up tomorrow and go be the first chair of the New York Philharmoic the next day."

"Yup, thing i'm gonna be a city planner. yeah, I've seen a lot of cities on TV, even lived in a few and I could totally do that better. I mean how hard can it be? I just put up a few buildings and pave some roads, right?"

Then again where would we be if some drunk guy didn't go "You know what seems like an easy job? President. I'm gonna go be the President."

Um yeah...

So on Friday June 9, 2006, the New York Post had a cover that shocked the shite out of me. A picture of the newly dead Al-Zarqawi with a cartoon voice bubble that said "Warm Up the Virgins." Wow. Distasteful. I mean, yes, its good he's dead but COME ON!

Ever walked into a store with a specific request? You knew exactly what you needed. You looked around and said to yourself, "Hey what happened to my garden shears? I needed those." So you go to a hardware store, go right up to an employee and say "Excuse me, I need some garden shears." For some reason, there are people who will offer you something completely different that you do not need, that's not even related to what you need.

"Well we don't have those? You want some lightbulbs?"

Huh? That's the furthest away from what I need.

"What about a lampshade?"

No. I specifically need garden shears!

That's how I feel about Osama Bin Laden. We continue to be offered other things, but never got what we went to get in the first place.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I got a passive aggressive automated message. I called a friend and the voice said "This customer has chosen not to receive incoming calls." Really? Why would someone chose to not receive incoming calls? Why would someone chose to not have one of the 2 primary reasons to have a phone? I get in touch with that person a little later and she tells me "I can't pay my bills." Hmm, so that means. Her cell phone company was being a smart ass. "Uh yeah, this person has chosen not to receive calls because they haven't paid there bill. Paying your bill means you want a phone. Apparently, this person does not want one. So you see, they've chosen not to receive calls. I've made my point." Quite a service.

Rain rain go away...

This rain, huh? Its crazy, eh? Whatever, its all just subtle pre-amble to the Apocalypse. At least its only rain. When its starts to be blood, Bat heads and READ magazines falling from the sky. I'll be a little scared. Indeed very scared and scarred.

That's what we have to look forward to: talking about the Apocalypse like its the weather.

(Two fishermen in Maine sitting on a pier)

MAN:
Uh oh, almost 7 o'clock. Be dark soon.

GUY:
Yuh.

MAN:
Almost Apocalypse time.

GUY:
Yuh. Best be headin in.

MAN:
Yuh.

(Cut to a local News Program)

ANCHOR:
And now with our weekend forcast here's Apocalyptic Soothsayer, Jeff Goodwinger.

JEFF:
Hey thanks, Tim. We've got a heavy Apocalypse this weekend. So I'd advise staying in. As you can see on our Demon Scan Biblical Ending technology there's gonna be a locust front coming in through Texas and up into the Northeast. Now remember these are giant maneating locusts that signify the end is nigh, not the ordinary crop eating kind we're used to from years ago. So wear a hat. And if you're plan a trip or escape to the midwest this weekend there a 30% chance of 4 horsemen with partly ashen skies. So wear shoes fit for running and carry a gun or a sword with you for I can guarantee some feistiness. Back to you, Tim.

ANCHOR:
Thanks, Jeff. That's it for tonight. I'll be out next week for I've just been possessed. (Eyeballs explode) DIEM EX MORTIS! ARRUGHTGHARUGHARUGHGARUUGUIAHGARGFIDHGAFRIARHAUAH.

Ever notice?

Ever notice how there are no old women named Brittany or Tiffany?

Of course 20 years ago you could've said, "ever notice how there are no old women named Allison or Catherine?"

20 years before that Susan or Sarah.

20 years before that Opal or Gladys.

20 years from now they'll be saying "Ever notice how there are no old women named Dallas or Dakota?"

20 years from that "Ever notice how there are no old women name RK40-thx 213?"

Eat your heart out Robert McKee

Bazooka Joe Comics are structurally perfect. I attended a performance last night of a friend named Dan Zaitchik who is a wonderful composer. He's one of those people that does something better than you could ever do it so why try.

He was kind enough to put snacks on the different tables including delicious Bazooka Joe Gum.

Here's two comics that have a clear beginning, middle and end.

(JOE and Kid 1 see Billy approaching)

KID 1: Here's comes Billy with his new watch again!

JOE: I'll fix him.

(enter Billy with his nose turned up)

BILLY: My watch is always right.

JOE: Yeah, well this watch fell in the river, a year later it was still running.

BILLY: The watch?

(while walking away)

JOE: No, the River.

~~Ooooooh, Snap!!!~~

(JOE and DUDE are walking to school.)

DUDE: I think I'm going to flunk my history test today on account of sickness.

JOE: You're sick?

DUDE: No, but the fellow I copy from is home with a cold!!

~~DOUBLE SNAP!!! CAN I GET A WHAT WHAT?!~~

I expect proofs of my thesis in my comments.

Dealing with it

I think its been a little over a month since my grandmother, JJ died.

I don't know how to think about it.

My mother and I didn't have a big catharsis. There wasn't the release of "Why? Oh God Why?" We both seemed to have a very subtle sustained sadness. My theory is that my mother and I were both cool with JJ. Every card was out on the table a few years ago and she was a very present part of our lives. So she knew how we felt about her. Most people have a family member pass away and there's that feeling of "I never got to say...they didn't know...I didn't talk to them much...etc." That turns into regret. Or maybe you didn't get along that well with the person or you fought about something that doesn't seem important to you now that they're gone. There might be some resentment. My mother and I didn't have that with JJ. We all were cool with each other.

I'll miss her more the more time that goes by. Right now it still doesn't feel that real. I'm used to being away from her. I'm used to the distance of our relationship. Me in New York and her in Las Vegas. I'm used to not seeing her for months at a time until I can afford to go back home. That's how it feels. Like I'll see her when I go back home. When I was home for the service and such, I kept expecting her to walk in the bedroom and try to scare me awake like she used to. I kept expecting to see her on the computer playing Spider Solitaire and somking a cig when I went dowstairs.

We were very close. She was one of my best friends. One of my two favorite people in this world: her and my mom. Its a very foreign feeling for her to be gone and not partake in her wisdom. She was very very wise. She taught me how to see things from many different aspects. That is part of my comic instinct. Knowing how to see one thing in 15 different ways.

It was sudden the way she died. Which, its strange to say, I think was for the best. It just happened. We didn't have to watch her deteriorate. Apparently, she had a heart attack and my mom and sisters found her in her apt 12 hours after it happened. One thing that haunts me is wondering what that last moment was like. Imagining the look of her face.

This upset me. My mother recently called to tell me that JJ had put my name on her bank account. Meaning that I get whatever is in it. It really bothered me. It felt very final. Like well "here ya go, here's what's left of that woman you loved so very much." And its not a lot of money at all. It'll be spent quickly. I feel horrible about receiving this money. I can't really explain it outside of that.

I got to keep this Dodgers jacket she had. Its in good condition. Maybe she got in the 80s or early 90s: its old school. I said to myself the first time I do stand up on a major TV show nationally I'm gonna where this jacket. Too bad Comedy Central hates me, but that's another story for another time.

I want her to be proud of me.

My Mind is Clearer Now..

At last
All to well
I can see
where we all
soon will be...

Those are the first words of the Rock Opera "Jesus Christ Superstar" by Andrew Lloyd Webber. I first saw this when i was in high school and I knew once I could sing the way Judas could, I was done. I was a good enough singer. Here's the problem. Bflat above the scale. Its a note Carl Anderson (RIP) goes to in the movie. Its the highest note Judas sings. I can get to A full voice, but i'm straining to do so. Its easy on a good well warmed up day after i haven't had any soda for a month and i've just been kicked in the balls.

Little theatre nerd trivia for you. In the movie of JCS, the very thin Ted Neely played Jesus and the inimitable Carl Anderson played Judas. That lineup, however, was not the original Broadway cast. In fact, you can't easily get the Broadway cast album. You can get the concept album/London cast, you can get the movie soundtrack, a 20 anniversary album, and the last major revival. Last time I checked, you could get the Broadway cast imported from Japan for $60 dollars (I just looked at Amazon and a highlights version is $14.98)!! $60!! Isn't there a way for it to be cheaper? I mean how about a highlights version that i could get on the internet? But no, my friends, that'll probably never happen (No it does, I just said up there....ahh!...getting choked...can't breathe...i didn't play by their rules...i didn't play by their rrrrr...).

Anyway, the original Jesus was Jeff Fenholt (who had some sort of sordid past with the band Black Sabbath and is now a Christian rocker) and the orginal Judas was Ben Vereen. Yes, Ben Vereen. The man. Let us make no mistake. Ben Vereen is the fucking man. He is the real deal. There is a recording of the show Pippin in which he plays the Leading Player where he dances and sings with an enormity that you can only call Ben Vereen. Legend has it that before that production he was in a car accident and was told he would never walk again. He is dancing Fosse in the show. Fosse! The most theatrically specific style of dance in the American Musical!! Never walk again my ass!

Anyway, now that I'm done with that very gay interlude. I will say that late great Carl Anderson did the role like no one else could. His voice is increible and powerful and its effortless to him. I wish I could sing like that. The only other thing I have his singing voice on is "Play On!" the soundtrack of a musical adaptation of Twelfth Night set to the music and time of Duke Ellington. Anderson plays the Duke and good God the man's voice is ridiculous.

I wonder though. Oh how I wonder why its ok for a black man to play Judas. Hmm. In fact a black Judas has become the standard for productions of JCS. Hmm. If they cast a black man as Jesus, I guarantee you people would raise hell, no pun intended. In high school, we almost did this show and people thought I'd be Judas since I was an ok singer, ok actor, and I had a rep for betraying people to the principal for 30 pieces of silver. However, there was no one in my school that could play/sing Jesus: performing arts school or not. That is a high tenor to sing. Rumor was we were gonna cast a girl. The moment the rumor got out, the show was changed. Hmm. Interesting.

Rambly McSpambly

Well the door to my apartment has been fixed. THANK GOD. Also, the Metrocard people called and they're gonna refund me $32. Not bad. This is good seeing how the week pass I just purchased stopped working for no reason. Probably got damaged by being in my pocket.

Few Things:

Was watching MTV's new sociological/anthropological clambake entitled "Date My Mom." This is a show when a single person (male/female, gay/straight) goes out with the mothers of 3 different potential mates and makes a decision based on the parent. Um, what?!?! And don't get me started on the very strange incestuous overtones. Um, you're gonna go out with someone because you have sexual tension with their mother?!?! There was one young man who went swimming with the mom of a potential girlfriend. A some point he's rubbing her feet and it cut to him talking to camera going, "Think about the daughter. Think about the daughter."

That same episode contains a line that makes me shutter. This boy looking for the mates is in training to become a fire fighter and one of these possible girlie's is training to do make up on bodies for funerals. When the mother tells her daughter of the boy's occupational goals, the duaghter says, "The people he don't save, I'll make look good." Say it with me: Um, What? And she says it with a perky enthusiasm like its nothing. She just moves on. Nothing to it. That's the kind of thing you say from a dark pensive place. That's the kind of thing you say when you are teetering on the edge of sanity, when you are on the verge of falling into the abyss of man's mortality.

I saw a guy on the subway tonight. Latin guy with a very angry face. He was blasting a song on his iPod. It was "Dirty Diana" by Michael Jackson. He was really listening to it. He was mad about it. I wondered who the Diana was in his life.

In Compliance...

...with the myth that the pigeons' strike on my head is good luck, I had a bit of luck today. I awoke to find that the front door of my apartment was hanging of the hinge. The bolt in the wall just gave and the door does not close. I had to leave it ajar when i ran my errands today. Luckily, nothing was taken.

Am i still in college or something. Here are some items in my fridge.

Half eaten Chocolate Cake given to me by Collaboration Town on my birthday, December 18th. It's May.

An Uneaten Orange in a Bag.

Some Italian food. At Least that what I think it is. I'm afraid to open it and see.

Some lunchmeats that i can barely see for the bags they are in have fogged up.

And i just came home with groceries. What did i decide I absolutely had to have? Why, Little Debbie's Nutty Bars and Swiss Cake Rolls of course. Also, some milk for my Cocoa Pebbles and Raisin Bran (to balance it out).

People never understand why I eat out so often.

this one goes out to the class of '06

i have a thing about me that makes people think i'm younger than i am and older than i am at the same time. i was class of '03, so there's a clue.

i recently went back to Boston to see some friends from my old alma mater, BU. These guys were freshman when i was a senior. Now they're seniors and they graduate sunday. i went back to show some support see some shows and such and to participate in a few dialogues about the future. i stayed in my regular hotel: Chez Futon of Lee and Therese (hi, peter) and hung out.

i felt like a burden. Everyone was in that mindspace of leaving school. And i mean leaving school. Its a weird feeling to have your entire existence wrapped up in school. Everything you do and everywhere you go is pretty much motivated by school. Suddenly, no school. To some people, its a very emotional experience. Especially at my school where you become very close with your class. There were less than 40 people in my class. The same people everyday in every class for four years. Obviously, you build very close friendships.

in boston, i was surrounded by people who i would say needed space. A lot of people had family in so i jetted. Also, its the last time I can visit Boston without a solid reason. No one at that school (outside of profs) know who i am and now i'll be that sketchy guy that graduated years ago who keep showing up to parties. So unless I'm doing shows (Walsh's, Yaffe - I'm talking to you), I won't be going back to Boston.

and to the class of '06 i'd like to quote my friend Josh Grosvent from our recent upstate college jaunt "there's nothing for you out there, no one is waiting for you." Oh, funny cuz it's true.

Bon of a Stich Part 2: War on Me.

After having lost my wallet this week (which has opened me up to criticism in my comments), I had another very New York thing happen to me today.

After leaving a cafe on 28th street after being accused of stealing Arizona Iced Tea ("why don't you have any napkins?" why would i need that for a drink?), I walked toward the west side. Then I was struck. Not in the face by a stranger, that would have been better. "Hope that was water," said a nearby police officer. Oh, snap! Didn't know to serve and project meant I would get served. "So do I," I returned.

I finally got up to a bathroom in a building to look at the damage. Now I should have mentioned this was no simple shit. The cop said I hope that was water meaning there was a lot that fell out of the air. There was shit on my left knee, both my wrists, my left shoulder, right shoulder blade, a little on my sleeve, and my hair. My hair which I had actually combed out today. Shit. In it.

Now I have to be clear that this is one of two things. Either pigeon asses are similar to changeable shower heads and they can go from spray to focused stream to massage depending on the mood that day, or a disgruntled group of birds assaulted me as a team. I'm gonna go with assault. It felt like I had been shitbombed. It felt very organized and deliberate.

What have I done to deserve this? Has it been the many times I've spoken out about Bush and his policies? No, who doesn't do that nowadays? Its tre chic. I know. It must be the many times in public I've spoken out about the movies Valiant and Chicken Run that prompted a retaliation from the groups represented therein. Well FUCK ya'll. Gotta go bathe now.

Bon of a Sitch

Well I lost my wallet. For the second time since I been in NYC. Both times were in the worst possible situations.

The first time was after getting a haircut up in Harlem on the opening night of this little thing I did ON BROADWAY!! I came to NYC with a show in tow which is rare. This was our opening night which meant the performance was early so that we could hit the party afterwards (actually its early for the press). After waiting for a bit and finally getting in the chair, the actual haircut took 30 minutes longer than I expected. Suddenly, I find myself running down 125th St toward the 2/3 station. I have my hair freshly *quaffed. I have a bag full of shit - don't remember what on one arm and my rented lavendar tux complete with tophat on the other arm. I'm running down the street carrying all this and reach into my pocket to get my card for the subway...um, no wallet. Oh my God. Not only do I not have my subway card, my IDs were in there and some other things I can't get back. Not cash. But smaller things of sentimental value. I track back a little, but to no avail: I DROPPED IT ON 125TH STREET! I go down into the station hoping i have enough money for a $2 single ride. I put all the change i have in to the machine and I have...ahem...$1.95. I'm like "Someone, please help me. I only need a nickel." I sounded like a beggar so people walked by me or ignored me until the first woman who walked by must have replayed what I said in her head adn gave me a nickel.

The point is I lost my wallet on the street in Harlem.

Yesterday I was exhausted. I sometimes do that New York thing of falling asleep on the subway and waking up at my stop and jumping out of the car. Anyone, who has done this know its very disorienting. You are asleep and suddenly you are walking. I was on the train yesterday with my shoulder bag on my lap. I was holding my cell in one hand and my wallet in the other. I fell asleep. I get to my stop and jump out the car forgetting my wallet was on my lap. It wasn't until 20 minutes later that I realized I dropped it. Now, this is my theory of what happened. I assume this is what happened because it makes the most sense. I cancel my debit card. I'm gonna try to see if I can get my metrocard refunded.

The point is I lost my wallet on a subway train.

Some people freak out badly aobut something like that. I just let it go. I realized there was nothing I could do about it at that time and to freak out would serve no purpose. My New Age inclination tells me I was supposed to lose it for some reason. Maybe the reason is to feel shitty at a later date.

*quaff means to drink a beverage heartily. I really need to do more research when using other people's expressions.

Moment of Clarity #28

The only thing worse than a man with nothing to lose, is a cab driver with nothing to lose.

A Few Joke Ideas.

After doing some colleges and some road gigs I am officially tired of the majority of my material. Its very very nice to know that i can do 45-60 minutes and keep people interested the entire time, but now its time to start over. Here's a few ideas I've been having...

You think anyone plays the Harlem Globetrotters and takes themselves way to seriously? There's a team in their locker room at half time and they're geting ripped into..."DAMMIT! We are 0 and 550! You guys have to start playing some defense! I don't care if they're bouncing it off their heads and shooting basket with their buttchecks. We're getting our asses handed to us by courtroom antics! Now get out there and act like you are the Washington Generals!!"

I've been seeing political messages in strange places lately. A weird one was in Disneyland when i went there for Christmas with my family. We rode on the It's a small world afterall ride listening to that hypnotic song in many different languages when we found ourselves in a section of it with no music. This section was ransacked. Houses were ripped apart. Dolls were knocked over with broken heads. You could see the little elctric impulse in their throats light up to the rhythm of the song. I was like "what is this?" It was very disturbing. We get to the end of the section and then a banner falls that says "MISSION ACCOMPLISHED" I get it. Random, but I get it.

I don't know what it is in some people (I think its genetic) that makes them not admit when they are falling asleep. They will just not own up to it. "You're falling asleep" "No, i'm just resting my eyes." "Yes I know. That's called sleeping." Its the only thing I know of where people will state the definition of what they are doing as evidence that that aren't doing it. "Did you pee in the bed?" "No, i just relieved myself in the place in which I slumber." "Did you eat all my cookies?" "No, I just devoured and ingested your delicious supply of secret baked goods." "Are you in love with a stripper?" "No, I'm just enamored of a woman who makes her livelihood as an exotic dancer." These are usually the smae people who won't admit when they are drunk. If someone said to you "You're Drunk" its because you just did something really drunk to deserve that comment. If someone said it to you when you were just sitting down minding your own business, they're drunk.

Answer: Me.

Question: who stayed up to 3am watching Yo Momma on MTV?

I could NOT get to sleep. My sleeping schedule is all mixed up because of all the travelling I've been doing. After a great show last night, I got back here to my friends place and sat on the couch staring at the idiot box hoping that my eyes would fade. It didn't happen. Especialy since there was an amazing show on TV which, as we all know, is a stunning sociological study about how ugly, fat, stupid or poor one's Momma may happen to be.

Hosted by the inimitable Wilmer Valderrama this show is a slapdash haberdash flash cash stab at the age old artform of the dozens or cappin' or its scientific name "Yo Momma Jokes."

I wish I could say its an American artform like that of Jazz or Stand Up, but it has been around for ages. There is documentation all the way back to Ancient Greece recorded in certain dialogues of Socrates "Yo Momma is so fat, getting her from here to Sparta is Apollo's part time job," and "Yo Momma is so fat, she wore the Parthenon for a belt...yeah, she ruined it! Get it she ruined it!" Also, in some of the poetry of Homer, "Yo Momma is so ugly I sent her on a date with a cyclops and he came back with no eyes. I said what happened he said I just couldn't take it anymore!!"

Also evidence in the Roman empire "Yo Momma is so ugly, she's the reason Bacchus drinks!" "Yo Momma is so dirty, she rents out her pockets as a Vomitorium."

...also in Indian Culture, "Yo Momma is so ugly, Vishnu grew his other arms just to slap the bitch!"

...early Christianity, "Yo Momma is so ugly and dirty, she went to get Baptized and someone had to save Jesus!"

...Elizabethan England, "Thy mother's breath is so foul, a fortnight was defined by how long one would pass out after receiving it into their nostrils. TWO WEEKS BITCH!"

...South America, "Yo Momma is so fat and gross, she farted and the Incas disappeared"

...to Puritan New England, "Yo Momma is so ugly, we burned her as a witch and the bitch looked better! The fire jumped off of her it was like Fuck This!"

...and of course to the present era MTV show. Honestly, I'm surprsed the show isn't on the History Channel or Discovery because of the historcal relevance of the subject matter.

Anyway, here's a few jokes I literally dreamed last night...

"Yo Momma is so ugly her driver's license looks like Mr Potato Head with all the parts in the wrong place."

"Yo Momma is so fat people thought they heard Stomp doing a show in the street but it was just her ass and stomach rolls banging together."

"Yo momma is so ugly she makes silence scream."

Here's some of my all time favorites...

"Yo Momma is so fat, she bungee jumped and went straight to hell."

"Yo Momma is so old, her Social Security Number is 1."

"Yo Momma is so poor she can't afford to pay attention."

"Yo Momma is so fat, she sat on a quarter and a booger squeezed out George Washington's nose."

And my favorite of all time...

"Yo Momma is so old and so fat, that when God said Let There Be Light, he really said Bitch, move your fat ass out the way"

Upstate Bitches...

My month has been absolutely crazy. I've been travelling around this lovely country attending to comedy and family tragedy. I've gone from NYC to Pittsburgh to NYC To Vermont to NYC to LA to NYC to Las Vegas to NYC to Syracuse, NY where I'm currently doing some college shows with compadre Josh Grosvent.

So I haven't blogged because I haven't really been around computers lately. Forgive me? Trust me, I have plenty of ideas and little quirky thing to write, but I need some SPACE!! You people are SUFFOCATING ME! All 5 of you that read this. DEMANDING my mental genius to be spilled onto the web! How dare you? No. This is all me. I shan't blame you for my own shortcomings.

The Old Man Saga Continues...

I found out I have quite the prestigious reader of my blog so it motivated me to write.

First off I had a great set last night at Poker Night hosted by Jack Kukoda and Dustin D'Addato featuring Sara Schaefer, Becky Yamamoto, Kurt Braunohler, Katherine Bryant and Elephant Larry. Also ran into Shayna Ferm and Sven Wechsler who came with me to Galapagos where I had a "quit comedy" night.

ANYWAY, THE OLD MAN DOWNSTAIRS IS PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE.

I didn't think he would be seeing how he had moved on to grabbing me when he was trying to talk to me. I arrived back in my apartment at 5:30am on Sunday morning after getting off a flight from LA. I walked into my apartment to see my roommate wide awake with some friends of his having a small bday celebration. I was surprised to see numerous people that were awake. I went to bed.

A few hours later there is a pounding on my floor like the old man was crucifying something by nailing it to his ceiling. Then the door buzzer would ring for long periods of time. I assumed he wanted to give us a taste of what he felt. Pound pound pound. Buzz buzz buzz. For a man that claims to be old and frail he sure has a lot of energy to get up on a chair pound very hard then go to the hallway to buzz our door then rinse and repeat.

My roommate admitted to me later that there were two people at his party that were particularly loud. I just love though that the old man equates all noise in the apartment with me. I was out of town for 2 weeks, but he pounded on my ceiling with gumption like I had been personally peeing in his bed while I was on the other side of the country. I almost respect him. Too bad I'm gonna have to destroy him.

Random Celebrity Sightings / Thing only I would notice

After driving back from Pittsburgh after doing a week of kick ass shows, I was walking down 5th Ave at about 4:30ish and saw who I believed to be Robin Givens. She was wearing a huge pair of sunglasses and i thought to myself "Damn! That black eye hasn't healed yet?"

The next day I flew to Vermont to do a show at Middlebury college with the hilarious Brad Lowery and Sherrod Small. On the way back to NYC the next day we see waiting to get on the smae JetBlue flight Mr. Luis Guzman of Boogie Nights fame. We said hello. I bet he was hoping not to get recognized.

Here are two things I recently noticed about...uh...things.
In the movie the Blues Brothers, the Bros go to a church where the preacher is none other than James Brown. There is a girl in the choir of that scene they keep cutting to, but she's barely recognizable until i realized it was Chaka Khan.

I saw the video for the song "Word Up" by Cameo. First off...strange. Strange. Strange. However, I wanted to let you know that the premise of it is cops breaking into a club to stop the youthful party goings on there which is of course a major theme of the 80s. And who, you ask, plays the detective that leads the police into their Orwellian roles? Why, LeVar Burton, of course. All you sucka DJs...

Once at an audition I ran into a man named Taimak. This man played a role in a movie that shaped my childhood. Only, THE LAST DRAGON!!! BRUCE MOTHERFUCKING LEROY!!! YOU DON'T KNOW, BITCH!! THAT WAS BRUCE LEROY!!! I freaked out a little. Recently, I purchased the DVD of said film (not movie, film) and you know what young actor had a bit part in the film? Huh? Wanna know? Seriously, do you? What? Ok, I'll tell you. William H. Macy.

Sometimes I have to say these pieces of random knowledge to free up space for more important things.

Why Hello

I'm back in NYC from LA and it feels good. I've got a lot to write about. Here are some of the upcoming witticisms...

Observations of LA

Random Celebrity Sightings (before I left)

Things Only I Would Notice

Happy Gilmore Supporting Cast Member

The Old Man Saga Continues...

and

The Death Defying Career Ruining LAX Airport Experience.

Of course these are more for me to remember what the hell I wanted to write about. So fret no more 5 people that read this, I have my computer again so partytime!!